Sigh.

You totally missed the point.

The point wasn't that they were religious. The point was that they only accepted him when he projected the version of himself that they wanted to see.

I could have said "tennis player in a basketball house" or "dog person in a cat house."

This isn't for you to debate or get angry about. I'm explaining the family dynamics to you. I've known him for decades, and have had many conversations with him about his unique upbringing (not unique because his parents have a religious career, but unique because the way they coped with family tragedy seems to have involved shutting down emotionally for some extended period).

You don't have to be mean about me though. You don't know anything about me.

Ok. One last try to explain. The story in this thread involves giving money to people on the street. I was with a friend one time when someone gave him some money in a similar honesty checking exercise. My friend lacks the part of his moral fibre which prevents normal people from being embarrassed or whatever in that situation. Most normal people would stop and say "hey you must have me mistaken for someone else." Not my friend. Nope. He just pocketed the money without even breaking his stride. He instantly overcame any moral or honesty quandaries. I love him but, at least back then, he lied as easily as a fish breathes water.

So.

What's my armchair psychologist's explanation for this exceptional lack of morality? He was raised by exceptionally moral people - a pair of parents so selfless that the gave away everything they had so they could lead a life of service. What's missing from his upbringing? Why is he different to the rest of us? What is particularly remarkable about his journey that would explain this difference between him and you or I?

If you can't see the connection between what I've explained of his upbringing, the way his parents interacted with him, the way they rewarded only those behaviors and actions which could be measured externally or praised/chided.... I'm afraid I have to accept that you're trolling me.

I've gone into excruciating detail for a reddit comment about my informed opinion about why my friend didn't develop any kind of internal locus of control. It's up to you to understand this.

Have you done any leading or parenting training? Do you understand the difference between training someone to externally exhibit desired behaviour by punishing or praising outcomes, and training them to internally want to do it for themselves? Any parent knows how to MAKE a child do something - you just have to raise your voice to the level where their fear of your anger overcomes their reticence to perform.

Pick.

This.

Towel.

Up.

Now.

But no parent wants to be that person all the time. We want our kids to understand that these things are done for good reasons, we want them to internalise things like hanging up their own towel, putting the milk back in the fridge, doing their homework in time. Our only job really is to get them ready for life, which means we need to get them to want to do all this stuff for themselves.

And that holds true for the big things as well as the little. You want your kids to know the difference between right and wrong because THEY think the distinction is important. You want them to do the right thing even when (particularly when!) nobody is ever going to find out.

If you raise your kids to only ever avoid doing the wrong thing in order to avoid punishment, you're going to end up raising then to work out more and more elaborate ways of preventing you from discovering their sins. If you only ever police their exhibited behaviors, and never help them understand that it's what's inside them that really counts..........

This stuff is important.