The White Privilege of Lucas

This is a story about a boy who grew up in a city within America’s heartland. Lucas was born to caucasian parents Steve and Linda in 1994, an unmarried couple whose pregnancy was, to them, a surprise, and a saddened shock that almost led to termination. When Lucas was born, it was not without complications. He suffered from birth asphyxia as soon as he passed the womb due to a complication where his airways were blocked, causing him to spend the first 3 weeks of his life in an incubator, unsure to doctors initially if he would end up making it through.

Lucas would eventually end up arriving at the apartment of his parents, which would be the first of a few dysfunctional homes he would come to know. Steve and Linda had a tumultuous relationship over the years. Linda, unbeknownst to her, suffered from borderline personality disorder, and had a problem with drug usage and drinking. She pondered many days of her adult life about whether she should have kept her only child or not. Steve was the parent of the two to convince her to bring him to term, as he wanted the opportunity to try to be a good dad. Unfortunately, Steve also suffered from mental illness with undiagnosed depression. He was very easy prey to Linda’s tendency to abuse others. Because of this Steve lived a life often where he felt he didn’t deserve better, and usually felt too defeated to face the day, and see past his own blinders, allowing his son to soon too become a victim of Linda’s constant attempts of bringing others down as a means to bring herself up.

At an early point in Lucas’ life, he had an uncle that always came around. Uncle Jim had a fondness for Lucas, always treating him like a “cool kid” and taking him out for ice cream and trips to the park. Jim often touched Lucas when he had a private opportunity to, and would ask him questions about sex. Lucas, being 6 at the time, had little to no knowledge on the subject, so Jim would enlighten him, not only by explaining certain definitions of things, but also by exposing himself to his young nephew and showing him methods of self pleasure. The details beyond become too graphic, but thankfully for Lucas, Jim ended up suddenly no longer coming around. His parents at one point talked about something regarding him “being put away for a very long time,” though they would never have a clue about the private interactions their son had with him before he disappeared.

Lucas dealt with a fury of harsh words and strict rules from his mother growing up. At times Linda would purposely knock something over just to make Lucas pick it up, though this was often the heavily piled ashtray on the living room coffee table, spilling over a handful of ashes and cigarette butts. Vying for the affection of his mother often, it became enduring to take in the constant barrage of insults ranging from calling him “good for nothing,” “idiot,” and even “cock sucker”. Steve worked two jobs, often holding long hours. When Steve wasn’t working, he preferred sleeping. It helped him get away from the harshness of the real world, and also evade the even more harshness of his now spouse. Despite that Lucas also vyed for the attention of his father, to talk about the things he learned in school, and throw the ol’ ball around, Steve just wasn’t emotionally, mentally, or physically available.

Linda spent a lot of time spending Steve’s money, opting to not hold a job so she could look over the house, and look over their son. Much of Linda’s money spending eventually went towards illegal substances. A fan of crank and crystal meth, she found herself regularly hanging out with her dealers, often male. She became so hooked she started trading sexual favors for free drugs. At first Linda would leave her son at home alone for the few hours she tended to be gone for, until him and a friend of his ended up being picked up by a local police officer around midnight after a concerned neighbor called during their late game of hide-and-seek. Linda eventually started taking Lucas with her, disrupting his sleep schedule further, and causing him to hang out in a back bedroom filled with a urine soaked mattress, a dirty dog kennel, and a stack of porno mags. But at least there were a few dinosaur and G.I. Joe toys laying around for him to put his imagination to work with.

It was with great ease that Lucas’ boredom became assured, and he would find himself curiously wandering the house looking for his mother at times. The scolding he received when he caught his mother lighting up a glass pipe in front of a table surrounded by a bunch of scandalous looking men, many with their teeth missing, should have been warning enough for him to know not to ever come out of that room until he was told to. However, one night, after Lucas fell asleep in the back room on the urine stained mattress, he began to feel chilly and thirsty. He stood up in the darkness of the room, not realizing it was 1 a.m., hoping to ask his mother for a blanket and a glass of water. He quietly stumbled out of the room and found his mother in a sex act with two other men who were not his father. He scambled to head back to the back room, and curled himself up in a corner on the urine stained mattress, not understanding what was going on, and cried himself to sleep.

His father found his hours at his night job getting cut without warning, and many times came home to an empty house. His questioning of the matter led him to nothing but headaches from his wife, as she would quickly conjured up excuse after excuse, and verbally batter him back into a wall until he finally gave up and cowered. It didn’t stop Steve from growing curious, and he finally started taking time off to wait for Linda to leave so he could search the house without her presence. Steve ended up discovering drug paraphenilia, and even a couple tiny bags with dope in them. He finally felt he had enough evidence to launch into Linda and waited for her to waltz back through the door late one night. The screaming match they had was pressing. Household items were broken. Eventually Linda told Steve to get out of “her house”. He tried to bundle Lucas up to go with him, but she obstructed and told him he wasn’t allowed to take him. Lucas ran into his bedroom, hiding in his closet, covering his ears with his pillow and sobbing profusely, and unable to see the event that would unfold just moments later. Linda eventually got into Steve’s face, and started to taunt him, daring him to hit her. Try as he might, he eventually couldn’t handle it any further as his back was literally pinned up against a wall, and she started spitting on him. He finally pushed her just enough to get him out of his personal space, and she threw herself into the coffee table behind her, smiling and telling him with a tone of victory, “you’re going to jail now”.

Lucas ran out of his room crying begging them to stop as his mom called 9–1–1. She sternly looked at Steve with a grin and said to her young son, “tell your dad goodbye, you’re never going to see him again”.

Steve tried to approach his son and console him as his blush red face was lined with tears, Linda interfering all the way telling Steve, “nuh uh, you get away from MY son, you piece of shit”.

Lucas eventually ran to his room, and Steve managed to follow him, giving Linda enough time to get rid of Steve’s drug evidence against her before the police showed up. Within minutes, the police had shown up, witnessed Linda’s mark on her arm, to which at that point she had the water works going. Police handcuffed the father in front of his son, the latter begging them to please not take him away. Linda expressed her interest in pressing charges, causing them to take him to the county jail over the weekend until he could be arraigned.

At Steve’s arraignment, Linda decided to drop the charges, but left Steve on his own to figure his own affairs out, forcing him to have to stay at a hotel filled with scummy people he would never find himself associating with, paying $150 a week to stay there. Steve attempted to get DFS to interevene not long after as Linda refused to let Steve see their son. He expressed his intent to file for divorce and seek custody. DFS investigated their home, which Linda made sure to have tidied up and presentable, planting a nice wardrobe and perfect make up, and a gracious attitude as the DFS worker interviewed her. Lucas was quiet the entire time, refusing to answer any questions out of fear of what his mother might do if he told the DFS worker the truth about what happened that fateful night, and how much he wanted to see his dad. While the report listed the home to be in great shape, and Linda to seem like a decent person and a model parent, it was recommended that follow up visits be made.

DFS told Steve he would have to speak with an attorney about custody, and get a hearing in front of a judge, and in the mean time there’s nothing they can do for him. As Steve began to scrape anything he could and speak with divorce attorneys, Linda started to bring the party to her house. She started regularly sleeping with her drug dealer, and letting him sleep over and keep his goods in her home. Lucas was unable to avoid seeing the mess that was unfolding before him. Drugs on the coffee table, and mushroom in the freezer were commonplace at that point, as well as seeing his mother kissing on other men.

Outside of his home, Lucas was a troubled youth in school as well. He made great grades, and was a bright student; however he lacked good social skills, and showed the same depressive tendencies as his father. He was an easy target of bullying, and was often ridiculed for his “poor clothes” and his love for video games. He didn’t mature quite as quick as the other kids, and it took him time to get the hint of attraction from the opposite sex, and properly approach it. Lucas hated going to school, he hated dealing with the other kids, but found himself often hanging out with other disenfranchised kids who were picked on by the “popular crowd,” it was his only safe place away from home, and away from the ridicule of his other peers. It allowed him to expand and hone his social skills, but when you’re foced to settle in with people who are equally as socially awkward, it’s likely you’ll have a tendency to develop based on the traits of your environment.

Steve eventually hired a divorce attorney, fighting for full custody of his son. The state the family lived in is what is considered a “no fault state,” meaning despite that Linda was doing drugs, and was being unfaithful, that did not garner Steve a better case against her in court. Lucas desperately wanted to live with his dad, but he was too afraid to speak up against his mother. Ultimately Steve found himself on the short end of the stick. The judge reviewed the DFS reports, finding Linda to be providing a stable home for Lucas, and the fact that Steve had been forced to that point to live in a pay-per-week hotel, the judge granted custody of his son to the mother. And because Linda had not worked a day in the entirety of their marriage, she argued that she lived as a home maker, and was accustomed to certain living arrangements, and would have a hard time being able to find a job to provide necessary income with her gap in work history. The judge agreed, ruling on a designated, calculated, amount of alimony and child support that crippled Steve’s ability to live even further than it already was. He had no home, he was provided “weekend” visitation, and he was going to start struggling to make ends meet.

Despite that Steve found the strength to combat his spouse in court for the welfare of his son, the defeat he suffered took a heavy hit to his depression. He started seeking a third jobs, but unfortunately found himself in a jam when his second job laid a number of workers off, including him. Linda snubbed him as much as she could, while increasing her drug usage, and endangering Lucas on a consistent basis.

Most weekend visitations began with Linda dropping her son off at the front door of the pay-per-week hotel, and finding his way to his father’s room. One particular weekend, Lucas swiped his room key card, opened the door, turned into the corner to find his father hung with a cord around his neck tied to an Iron Gym bar set on the doorway to the kitchen area. He quickly tried calling his mom, who did not answer, and eventually ran to the front desk screaming to call 9–1–1, and explaining what he sadly discovered.

Steve’s death was ruled a suicide, which breached his already dismal life insurance policy, leaving Lucas with nothing, and forcing family members and friends to try to chip in to provide a burial. Lucas’ father was laid to rest when he was 14 years old. His mother showed up to the funeral with a black veil over her face, and expressed “deep sadness” over the loss of “the one true love of her life”. The tone between her and her son in private was completely different, as he chastised Steve as being a “pussy” and how Lucas was “better off without him anyways”.

Linda eventually moved in with her dealer, and often found herself in jail over drug related offenses, as well as crimes involving forged prescriptions. Lucas became severely depressed and began self harming as a way to cope with his life. His mother’s drug issues somehow leaked out into the knowledge of his classmates, and rather than show concern, it was inflated as another means to ridicule him. Lucas was often lambasted over his “crackhead” or “whore” mother.

Eventually a guidance counselor named Mr. Jackson took notice of how troubled this yong student seemed to be. He noticed the cotton wraps around his arms underneath his long sleeved shirts. He took notice to the teasing, and even began seeing Lucas on a regular basis to help him cope with what he had been going through. He knew Lucas was very intelligent, often holding a B-average, when he was smart enough to become a valedictorian. This was the first strong adult who genuinely had the ability to reach out and help him. Mr. Jackson became an exceptionally good friend to Lucas through the last few years of his high school attendance. Lucas began achieving greater success in school, and began faring much better with his social skills. He signed up for different after school activities, and started holding a part-time job. His mother was virtually absent from his life, and he had to go into over drive to maintain a better quality of his on his own.

Though he didn’t quite reach valedictorian, he was a highly achieved student who won several graduation awards. Mr. Jackson helped Lucas look into scholarships and grants for college, as well as prep him for the SAT exam, and apply to choice universities. Faring well on his exam, Lucas received a number of acceptance letters from schools he had an interest in attending. Hoping to finally get far away from the horrors of the environment he grew up in, away from the clutches of his mother, Lucas decided to attend a prestegious school on the northern east coast of the country. His mother was in jail for his graduation, and he wasted no time in finding a friend to board with over the summer while he held a job before classes commenced the next semester. He decided to leave her a letter simply saying, “I’ve accepted an invitation to go to college. I’ll be sure to e-mail you and let you know how I’m doing. -Lucas” He had no intention of letting her know what school, nor what city, as he was prepared to begin a new, fresh chapter in his life without her involved.

Lucas’ first year at school was tough. It was tough adapting to a new environment very different from the one he grew up in. Not only in terms of the lack of drama he experienced living with his mother, but the culture shock hit him as well. None the less, he embraced it, and pushed himself to become a part of it. He overcame most of the social awkwardness he dealt with growing up, and yearned to make new friends. His first good friend out in college was named Devin. Devin was a brilliant half-black half-Puerto Rican kid attending on a basketball scholarship, while he studied mechanical engineering. Devin and Lucas were able to bond between stories of their respective rough upbringings, and their diligent hard work to get out of their toxic homes, and find something better. Devin introduced Lucas to Kelsey, another student at their university. Within weeks of becoming friendly and getting to know each other, they developed an attraction to one another and began dating. Lucas was seemingly quick to grow accustomed to his new life in this new, big, progressive city.

The university he attended was also considered very progressive, and forward thinking in terms of social justice; an ideology he really knew nothing much about. Lucas knew the prejudice and discrimination was inherently wrong. He had no problem with people of other cultures and backgrounds, of different colors, and different sexual orientations. He just treated everyone in the way he always desired to be treated. His friendship with Devin did not ever make considerations of the color of his skin, because that’s not what made Devin an awesome person, and what made him his friend. And despite that Devin experienced bouts of oppression over his skin color, and his mixed heritage, he didn’t let that represent the way he looked at other people with the same skin color as those who were prone to harassing him. After all, to Lucas and Devin, there were only two types of people in the world, “good people,” and “shitty people,” and they are comprised of all demographics.

Lucas often found groups of students talking about social justice, and privileged people, around campus; with the groups mostly being comprised of white people talking about how other white people need to recognize the place they have in society, and willfully give up those privileges.

On one day, there was a rally of students who were upset over a particular issue going on within campus. The expression of white privilege and patriarchy were abound, and it was difficult to assess the nature of what was being complained about had you not already been a part of the group. Lucas and Devin happened to walk by, noticing that not only were there students shouting about their grievances, but that there were a number of other students trying to study outside while it was a nice, sunny day. Devin eventually approached them and interrupted asking if they had any respect of the other people around, who aren’t interested in what they have to say, and how they might be disrupting their studying. Devin was harshly criticized by a half-whte half-black female student, named Janissa, for his mistake of voicing up; amongst other things he was accused of internalizing his own oppression. The other students continued to shout Devin down, being sure to educate him on how the complaints they were “shouting about” were directly in defense of what students “like him” have to deal with on their “regressive campus”. Devin was a little privy to the social justice buzzwords, as he heard them all the time throughout campus. He facetiously challenged this group of students that they were being micro-aggressive towards him, and should take their own advice before being critical of his opinion. Janissa rebuked that it was impossible for her to be micro-aggressive because she is half-black, and was a victim of systematic oppression just as he was. She expressed that perhaps if he were to attend a gender studies course next semester, he might understand certain tenents of oppression and realize just how held under the boot of the white patriarchy he actually was.

Lucas finally voiced up and said, “What does being white have to do with anything? Or black?”

One black student pitched back, “Of course this cracker doesn’t get it. White imperialism at its finest.”

“Cracker? Seriously?,” exclaimed Lucas, “Do you realize how abhorrently racist that is of you to say that?”

“Yeah, except it’s impossible for him to be racist against you. Racism is power plus prejudice, and as he belongs to a marginalized group, and you belong to a privileged one, you hold the power that he does not,” Janissa fiercely touted to him in response.

“And what makes you think I belong to a privileged group?,” Lucas asked.

Janissa emphatically responds, “Are you that ignorant? Have you looked at the color of your skin? Have you ever even actually checked your own privilege? You’re a white male, you hold many privileges, and the fact that you refuse to acknowledge them is proof of the privilege you’ve been endowed with.”

“You don’t know anything about me, or the life I’ve had,” Lucas exclaimed with a calmness on the brink of explosion.

“I know you’ll never know what it’s like being called a nigger just because. I know you’ll never know what it’s like to be raped. What it’s like to be told to ‘get back in the kitchen,’ and to be told you’re ‘bossy’ just for being opinionated and driven. You’ll never know what it’s like for marginalized people, because you’re not one of them. You’ll never be racially profiled by police. You’ll never work in fear of a pay gap. You’re here because your white parents probably bought your way here,” Janissa explains.

Lucas finally loses it and harks back, “Where did you grow up?”

“That has nothing to do with anything,” she responded. But he knew it did. He could tell by the expensive jewelry she wore, the clothing, and her nice car he’s seen parked on campus. He reiterated his question and she asserts she grew up in New Hampshire, in a town that was moderately wealthy and without racial tension.

“I grew up in a rough area in eastern Missouri, where I lived my whole life on the poverty line. You tell me I’ll never know what it’s like to be racially profiled by police. Do you know what it’s like sleeping on a piss soaked mattress at a drug dealer’s house?,” he lashes back at her. In her quietness he continues, “Do you know what it’s like being told that you’re worthless by your mother? Or being put down by her your entire life? What it’s like to walk in on your dad having hung himself? What it’s like to have your whole school know your mom’s a dope head and make fun of you for it? Do you know what it’s like to be molested by a family member you trust? Did you almost die at child birth? You’ll never know what it’s like living in a house that is paycheck-to-paycheck, with a fridge with almost no food in it. Maybe you will. I don’t know! You tell me I’ll never know what it’s like to be racially profiled by police. But I know what it’s like to be racially profiled right now.

“This white privilege you’re talking about. That’s the white privilege I had to grow up with,” he continues on. “How are you paying for school? Are your parents paying for it? Maybe they aren’t. I can tell you mine aren’t. Why? Because I don’t have a dad anymore. He wasn’t able to leave me with anything but a broken heart. My mom was in jail when I graduated high school and moved out here. I had to bust my ass on my own. I had to work and save up myself just to get here. I’m here on scholarships and grants I had to apply for and hope to get approved on. I’m LUCKY to be here. But I’m not here based on any privilege. I didn’t get picked to be here because I’m white. I made it here because I wanted a better life. I probably got here because my white privileged parents bought me here? Take a look in the mirror, you hypocrite. You can reject your “privileged” upbringing all you want. I would never judge any of you for the color of your skin. I would never judge you for your ‘privileged’ backgrounds. Because all of it is irrelevant. The only thing that is absolutely relevant right now is your judgmental attitudes, and disgusting lack of humanity. I’m a person. My friend here is a person. He doesn’t need to examine his internalized oppression just because you told him he should. I don’t need to check my privilege just because you think I have some. I’ve been a victim in my life. I’m choosing to no longer be a victim. I came here to no longer be one. If you think anything you’re doing out here is helping anything other than making this institution a more hostile environment to learn in, you need to check your ignorance. Also you live in America. We all have so many privileges that other third world countries will not know for decades, maybe centuries. Before you ask me to ‘check my male white privilege,’ maybe you should start checking your first world privilege.”

Lucas and Devin finally walk away, realizing that nothing they say is going to make the supposed activists more critically think the positions they take on judging others, and even judging themselves. While all continuing to pat themselves on the backs and stroke their own egos.

The point of this story, one that is based on actual events of actual people, is that privilege does not inherently come in color. You don’t know the hardships that anyone has gone through until you actually get to know them. It’s easy to dismiss the humanity of others when you want to actively make yourself out to be a victim, or even a hero. People like Lucas exist all over the place. They’re white, black, latino, male, female, gay, straight, transgender, and come from all different walks of life. You’ll never know if your method of interacting with other people comes from being prejudice. And in the end, they aren’t things you need to know. Humanity is treating people the way we want to be treated. It’s standing up for real injustice, and not just dealing it out based on generalizations.