In the Beginning

* The electronic publishing rights of these 15 texts are 'owned' by Datamation Magazine.

The first real Bastard articles

• Chapter 1 *
• Chapter 2 *
• Chapter 3 *
• Chapter 4 *

A bit more of the Bastard

• Chapter 5 *
• Chapter 6 *
• Chapter 7 *
• Chapter 8 *

Still more of the Bastard

• Chapter 9 *
• Chapter 10 *
• Chapter 11 *
• Chapter 12 *
• Chapter 13 *

The Bastard System Manager from Hell

• Chapter 1
• Chapter 2

The Bastard is Back

• Chapter 14 *
• Chapter 15 *

The Bastard in Britain

• Chapter 1
• Chapter 2

The Bastard REALLY is Back

• The LAST Bastard Operator From Hell
• THEBASTARDOPERATORFROMHELL
• The Bastard is Back
• The Bastard Goes to the Trade Show
• The Bastard's Still About
• The Bastard Celebrates Christmas '95

The 1995 Vintage

At long last, the Bastard Operator from Hell 1995 Vintage is ready for it's public. Aged in French Oak, and turned lovingly by the hands of nubile young nuns - their firm bodies straining against the rough hession of their habits...

I'm sorry, where was I? Nuns. Yes. Nuns. Mmmm. Anyway, back to the Bastard Operator from Hell 1995 Vintage - A lovely year for Bastards. A little pretentious, but then aren't we all? - I know I am. But back to the aging bit. French oak, with a hint of fermentation which gives it that something extra you look for in something to waste your time on when you should be working.

Bold, yet unassuming, these episodes are the ideal compliment to red meat or pasta, and will probably have a shelf life similar to that of those nasty pickled chillis with dust all over them that have been on your supermarket shelf since the place was built. Best served at room temperature on a hot day with a case of chilled beer, the conni-sewer will swear by them.

Meantime, Bon Appetite!

Part One

• The Bastard Operator From Hell is back
• The Bastard trips up
• The Bastard gives advice
• The Bastard gets non-PC
• The Bastard on a devilish buying mission
• The Bastard wreaks his terrible revenge I
• The Bastard wreaks his terrible revenge II
• The Bastard establishes his territorial boundaries

Part Two

• The Bastard negotiates around 'budget constraints'
• The Bastard dislikes his boss' use of foul language
• The Bastard blasts the confidence of the most well meaning souls
• The Bastard maintains his level of bad taste and seeks sweet revenge
• The Bastard gets his retaliation in first
• The Bastard finds a new use for an electric wheelchair
• The Bastard spreads peace and goodwill among colleagues

The 1996 Vintage

Congratulations Reader
In this, the second chapter of "How to make a fortune by torturing neighbours pets", we look at the uses of the common garden spade, the 2-Iron golf club, and the Delicatessan-Issue Ham Slicer.

Now, for those of you who've followed the step by step procedure outlined in chapter one, you should now have in front of you a large pot full of animals slowly coming to the boil.. To continue from here, all you need is some cayenne pepper, a mallet, and an extra-larg..

IT IS WITH DEEP, LASTING AND SINCERE REGRET THAT WE APOLOGISE FOR THE PRECEEDING WEB PAGE, WHICH WAS LOADED INTO YOUR BROWSER BY A ERRANT JAVA ROUTINE WHICH HATES ANIMALS. LET US ASSURE YOU THAT THIS SCRIPT IN NO WAY REFLECTS THE FEELING OF THE AUTHOR OF THIS DOCUMENT, HIS FAMILY OR FRIENDS. THEY LOVE ANIMALS.

Especially with chips and salad....

Part One

• The Bastard kicks in the New Year with a few sex aids
• The Bastard has an appraisal meeting
• The Bastard educates a PFY
• The Bastard meets his match, but keeps a hold... just
• The Bastard wont stand for interference with his printing systems
• The Bastard gives a helpless salesman a run for his money
• The Bastard brings his boss crashing down with a little bribe
• The Bastard makes sure everyone else feels the heat
• The Bastard wont stand for poseurs in posh cars

Part Two

• The Bastard experiences his very own Black Wednesday
• The Bastard and partner take revenge for stolen comms space
• The Bastard verges on the edge of insanity but the PFY steps in
• The Bastard sings tunes to melt his boss' ears
• The Bastard counts on the fact that managers never remember
• The Bastard senses something fishy and casts his net
• The Bastard sets about averting a company takeover bid
• The Bastard meets an unexpected guest - the opposition's BOFH
• The Bastard involves himself with the CEO's pet project
• The Bastard finds there are 'mistakes in training' and 'training in mistakes'
• The South of France beckons for the BOFH under the guise of 'Network Professional of the Year'
• It's the sweet smell of success for the Bastard Operator as he wins the day in France

Congratulations Once More Reader
If you've got this far you really must have at least half a dozen or so of the neighbours pets almost to the boil by now. To test if the creature concerned is what we (in the pet torturing trade) call 'Al Dente' - from the Latin to leave marks on motor vehicles when struck at excessive speed - grab it with a pair of snap-jaw Vice-Grip Plie...

WE INTERRUPT ONCE MORE WITH AN APOLOGY REGARDING THE JAVA SCRIPT WHICH HAS AGAIN BEEN ACCIDENTALLY LOADED ONTO YOUR MACHINE AND WHICH HAS SUCH LOW REGARD FOR HOUSEHOLD PETS. WE CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN TO ENSURE THAT IT, JAVA SCRIPTS WHICH LOOK LIKE IT, AND ALL IT'S SCRIPT FRIENDS AND RELATIVES, HAVE BEEN TAKEN OUT BACK OF THE COMPUTER AND SHOT IN A PROFESSIONAL MANNER

Now, back to the sunlit and snowcapped mountains of things more artistic!

Part Three

• Looking for new challenges, or just more dosh, the BOFH risks it all in the agency shark pool
• A pay rise in his pocket, and an admiring pimply-faced-youth looking, the BOFH plays safe
• The Bastard suffers from some temporary telephone trouble
• A heated exchange with the boss over air-conditioning raises temperatures all around
• The BOFH becomes a contract killer as he undoes some damage caused by the boss
• As the BOFH explains, dummies don't grow on trees, it takes years of training
• The Bastard's writing regresses to childlike scrawls as he attempts some artistic expenses
• The Bastard puts a price tag on user access after a particularly annoying request
• The Bastard puts in a day on the helpdesk
• The Bastard and his pimply sidekick spread their network of misery across the land
• Trains, planes and the dreaded laptop spotter - the BOFH brings the anoraks back to earth

Part Four

• Fear of the compulsory team-building weekend spurs the BOFH into his own style of teamwork
• Point scoring over network equipment blunders sees the PFY battling it out with the BOFH
• Battle vibes pulsate as beancounter central takes vehement action against the network lads
• As the boss gets into a twist about Cat 5 cables, the BOFH bides his time to unravel the mess
• Rule one of setting up a network: don't let the boss use his 'initiative' and set one up himself
• Infiltration of the e-mail system provokes the BOFH to adulterate the Yellow Pages
• Money is exchanged as the Bastard engages in some very underhand practices
• Ever tempted to play computer games at work? The BOFH sets out to spoil all the fun
• An encryption is forced on the Bastard, he plots to give the Boss more of shock than ever
• Where do you find a new pimply-faced-youth when you want one? It's a challenge, but.>

The 1997 Special Limited Release

Hello Reader,

In this, the limited release of the first part of the 1997 Bastard Operator from Hell, you'll notice the point/counterpoint that only an artiste (albeit a piss-artiste) like Travaglia can provide. Notice the hint of blood-crimson at the side of the characters which could almost be mistaken for a badly aligned red-gun in your monitor. But we know better, don't we? Of course we do, we're much better than that. We're experienced (In a Jean Paul Satre way, and not a Linda Lovelace manner). We know what the artist is trying to say - the hint of personal reflection bundled in a pint sized bag of joy!

Mean much to you?
Me neither.

Onward!

Part One

• Just how do you get round that tricky visit from the auditors? The BOFH has a few ideas
• The BOFH's in the mood for a little light fraud, but how to get rid of the boss? Easy-peasy
• The chief bean counter has a half-baked plan to oust the Bastard and his sidekick. What a very foolish thing to attempt
• Someone's found out where the 'liberated' phones go. Better dial 'B' for Bastard
• The boss cooks his goose with a dodgy microwave dish... so the Bastard simply out-mavoeuvres him yet again
• Hungover, roped in to cover the Helldesk - if he wasn't the Bastard, this could be a bad day
• The BOFH comes face to face with the ultimate in office bureaucracy. And he just won't wear it
• The BOFH is in trouble for not turning up to his training course
• The BOFH and PFY go on some site visits
• The BOFH and PFY help sort out a rival's PSIC problems
• The BOFH wins an award from his peer group

Part Two

• It really hits the fan as the tables turn inside the walls of Computer Centrale
• The Bastard puts his newest protege through a rather nasty baptism... and sees him blossom
• Who said management was easy? Still, there's nothing that can't be sorted out with an axe
• Not quite the smell of Napalm in the morning, but a burnt server gets things off to a good start
• It's show time folks, and the Bastard goes along to do some, err... research on the latest kit
• The BOFH is off to the movies, thanks to the marvellous advances in everyday technology
• The PFY is hardly the life and soul. Would you be if you had to endure a visit from slime central?
• Members of the new stripy shirt brigade are full of beans and raring to go
• Local culinary delights with the Bastard lead to the rapid disappearance of the latest recruit
• The Bastard Operator from Hell and the Paintball session

Hello Reader,
In this, the even more limited release of the second part of the 1997 Bastard Operator from Hell, we have to ask the question, who taught this guy to use VI? Not his mother obviously, that's a dead giveaway. Perhaps we'll never know...

Part Three

• The PFY scores top marks in the all important 'how to be a Bastard Operator From Hell' test
• The BOFH is given lessons in how to be a shiny happy IT manager. And he can't wait to start
• A little sabotage is in the offing as the BOFH scuppers the systems department and the boss
• The BOFH goes on a trade show outing
• In the aftermath of the trade show the PFY is forced to dip into the favour bank
• The disaster recovery budget proves to be a sore point, until the BOFH and PFY stage a little one of their own
• The PFY has accumulated a number of complaints in his new role - and it's up to the Bastard to sort him out
• When the boss tries to out-bastard the Bastard, it's time to bring on Plan A, sit back, and enjoy the fireworks
• The boss tries to oust the BOFH and the PFY again. Enter George, some lager, a shredder and several PFYs to-be
• When the PFY shows compassion to a user, the BOFH suspects a Mid-Job Crisis and takes emergency action

Part Four

• It looks as though the Bastard has overreached himself, but the PFY comes to the rescue with a cunning plan
• The scent of restructuring is in the air, as the BOFH advises a little CD scratching to remove viruses
• A run in with the company cafetaria leaves the BOFH porcelain bound and the boss regretting an onion bhaji
• The boss has been 'encouraged' to relocate to Tonga, but his replacement is a nightmare. It's time to get serious
• The new boss discovers that sometimes learning can be painful, especially when the BOFH is your teacher
• Several months of beer swigging has left the Bastard feeling a tad run-down, so he takes a trip out of town
• While the Bastard's away, his replacement sees a career opportunity - forcing the PFY to deploy shock tactics
• The failings of a clever new purchasing system brings out the Bastard's hitherto repressed vindictive side
• As far as the BOFH's concerned, the season of goodwill doesn't run to the systems men. Quite the opposite in fact

The 1998 Series

Space, the final frontier. Well some say it's the sea, some say it's the centre of the earth, and some say "Is it dinner time yet?". These are the voyages of the Bastard Operator from Hell, his 1998 mission - to seek out boldish type people with a penchant for salt air and the company of sailors, and report them to the Widow's Pension Fund. Why? We may never know. Certainly the Widow's Pension Fund has no idea, which is what makes it all that more exciting. Go on, reach for the phone - talk to someone you haven't spoken to for years - a parent, a sibling, that guy from the video parlour who STILL works there after 20 years when the only video game they had was that shitty tennis thing with the bats and balls. Meantime...

Star Trek Enhanced Compilation, Part One

• An ugly saga of burning ambition and bootleg liquor - welcome to the BOFH's Christmas past
• The BOFH and PFY show there is still a place for love and compassion in the world of network management
• Chaos reigns at the office and a visitor from the past is impressed by modern standards of bastardly behaviour
• The head's mid-life crisis and how a career in modelling leads to an executive position
• The boss is on the track of two mysterious contractors, C. Omputer and R. Amchip, but the BOFH is on the case
• When the BOFH suggests a team-building event, on his own time, there has to be some devilry brewing
• There's stocktaking to be done and awkward questions to be answered. But the BOFH stays cool as things get hot
• The helldesk has got a bit too big for its boots, but the BOFH has a cunning plan to knock them down a size
• Shape up or face budget cuts - what will the BOFH do? Enlist the help of an ice cream and some digging gear
• The users are away from the office and - shock horror - the BOFH and PFY miss them. Surely this can't be right
• While the PFY is busy with his Tunnel-Monkey work, the BOFH is sorting out the e-mail system and diverting complaints to sex lines
• The company architect's presence in the building creates an air of expectancy and pushes the BOFH into a bit of bastardly trickery
• The BOFH and PFY are hurt when they're left out of the game days - but it's nothing that a mallet and a spot of violence can't take care of
• A US buyout results in a visit stateside, a lesson in the zen of lift shafts and plenty of new kit... all expensives paid

Star Trek Enhanced Compilation, Part Two

• Translating engineer excuses into non-fiction can be a difficult task - but nothing is too tough for The Bastard Bible
• When the boss and the PFY both suffer from acute computer 'acronym dependence', it's time to visit Harley Street to play in the traffic
• The PFY is displaying distressing signs of geekism - beer-bottle glasses and the first growth of a wispy beard - can he be saved?
• The BOFH explains his new 'Management Stack Theory' to PFY, who seems to take it all with a pinch of salt - until the boss walks in
• The LAGERS invoice should have gone through smoothly - but a turncoat beancounter and a computing audit get in the way
• There's nothing the BOFH likes more than a contractor still wet behind the ears. But even he thinks it's time to show pity when the boss hatches his latest mad scheme
• There's nothing the BOFH and PFY love more than a challenge - except for violence. And the boss's devious plan calls for quite a bit of the latter
• The game's the thing by which to humiliate the Boss but it serves him right for getting the Head of IT1s fancy woman to do the shopping... war and peace as usual
• The millennium bomb has nothing on BOFH's boss who, on the strength of just one pint, manages to blow BOFH's cover sky high
• A newcomer names Sharon, a safety retrofit and a GPS transmitter leaves the BOFH on course for sipping tequila in the sun
• To escape the boredom of routine, the BOFH volunteers to man the Helldesk. But does he still have his special touch with the users?
• Will the BOFH use Roboboss again in this year's gladiatorial clash with the R&D boys? Or will the Mutant Floor Polisher win the demo-derby?

Star Trek Rave Free Compilation, Part Three

• While the PFY's holding a torch for Carole, someone is putting a torch to the Welsh Office. But nothing compares with the Master Plan
• The BOFH and PFY attend a 'bored' meeting, everyone gets bladdered and the boss gets to 'chair' an assembly of overheated shareholders
• When the building is repainted in the lurid colour scheme of 'Teletubby Land', there is only one way to restore it to its former grey glory
• Does the BOFH know anything about the disappearance of the telecomms manager, his lawnmower and the wife he's 'grass-widowed'?
• The BOFH steps in to help with a staff identity crisis, and the PFY drives a wedge between systems maintenance and the boss
• When does saying less mean making more? When the boss suggests adding needless desktop capacity and you're renting out any going spare
• Hypochondria in the office is all the rage. In fact, rage is all the rage. But when a psychiatrist is called in it's only a means to an end
• The BOFH is fazed by the remote working boom - but not for long. He and the PFY find more devious ways to keep the Operations beer fund topped up
• The Operations room is lit up like a set of traffic lights when the head beancounter asks the BOFH and the PFY to account for their time
• One wager and a lager frenzy later, the BOFH is feeling somewhat worse for wear after messing with the teatime continuum
• A bluff report may fool auditors that the company is running smoothly but try telling a hospitalised boss why safety procedures have been ignored

The 1999 Series

Part One

• Too Quiet?
• Hooray for pay day. Or maybe not
• Disaster Recovery Blues
• Back to the Helldesk?!?
• Omniscience?
• Private Health
• The Company Newsletter
• Faced with a bit of kit that the hosts of Antiques Roadshow would get orgasmic over, the Bastard finds a rubber mallet can achieve things an engineer's screwdriver can't
• It's finally time for the BOFH's protégé to fly the next and join the ranks of the 'one trouser leg higher than the other' Order of Bastards. And boy, has he been revising well
• As the PFY speeds out of control, he gains some worthy respect from the Bastard. It seems birds of a feather will soon be flocking to the group therapy class
• The lights are on - all 2,996 of them - and no one's in. The boss's involvement in the hands-on scheme results in a fit of madness, a stretcher, straitjacket and a trip to hospital
• More Huggy Feely
• Barroom Blitz
• The cleaner connection

Part Two

• Banana Dictator?!?
• Creative Cooling
• The dastardly duo employ some very underhand tactics to weed out 'unsuitable' applicants for the boss's job. Let's hope they're wearing the right coloured trousers
• Interviewing for new bosses
• The boss that wasn't
• Serial Whiner Alert!
• Who's tucking who?
• Bored Once More
• A Mental Lapse
• Medical Matters
• Staff Induction?
• Arty Murray Arrives
• The End?

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