33 Reasons Why I’m Not Crazy, You’re Just A D*ck
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Let’s talk about crazy women. Courtney Love is a crazy woman. Amanda Bynes is a crazy woman. Yoko Ono is a crazy woman. Sybil is a crazy woman. Lorena Bobbitt is a crazy woman.
So before you call that girl crazy, ask yourself a few questions. Is she grinding on an inflatable penis or knifing one off? Is she throwing your bong out the window or shaving off all her hair while holding a doll?
Texting too much. Texting too little. Wanting to see a movie. Not wanting to go to a strip club. Wanting to go to a strip club. Apparently, all these behaviors can make a perfectly sane woman “crazy.”
Apparently just breathing, just taking in oxygen and expelling it is enough to make you a ripe contestant for the looney bin.
Men call women crazy for two reasons. The first is to shut them up. The second is because it’s easier to do that than to admit they did something wrong.
Women bear the brunt of this emotional trauma men so casually commit, starting to believe that they, themselves, might actually be crazy.
But how? What are we doing that’s so insane? Do you really think crazy is the right adjective to describe someone who is stating an opinion, reacting to a statement or trying to figure out a plan?
Is she really that crazy because she confronts you for cheating on her because you are cheating on her?
If you ask any of us, it’s the men who are the crazy ones. They’re the ones running around making all these labels and throwing the C-word around like it’s no big deal. How would they like it if we started describing everything they did as CRAZY.
How would they like it if we just decided to label everything about them we didn’t like as neurotic, irrational and completely absurd behavior. Well, they’d probably just call us crazy.
(These are actual testimonials of times women were called crazy for no reason.)
1. I’m not jealous, I just don’t think you should be making out with a girl in front of me.
2. I’m not a stalker, I’m just curious about your past.
3. I don’t text you a lot, you just never answered my one text.
4. I’m not obsessed, I just thought I’d call when you said you were supposed to pick me up and never showed up.
5. I’m not a sex maniac, I just want to have sex.
6. I’m not a prude, I just don’t want to have sex in this coat closet in my great aunt’s hallway.
7. I’m not trying to see you again, I literally just left my earring at your apartment.
8. I’m not overbearing, I think it’s okay after three years of dating to meet your parents.
9. I’m not delusional, she’s calling you as we speak.
10. I’m not overbearing, you asked me to stay the night.
11. I’m not impossible, you’re asking me to share you with five other women.
12. I’m not anal, you just won’t stop asking for it.
13. I’m not psycho, but my friend you banged is — good luck with that.
14. I’m not hostile, I just don’t think you should hit on my best friends.
15. I’m not dramatic, I just had a family member die and you ignored my calls.
16. I’m not a bitch, I just get angry when you’d rather watch football than come to my birthday party.
17. I’m not asking for it, I was just feeling good about the body I work so hard for.
18. I’m not a tease, I just worked a 14-hour day and really want to go to bed right now.
19. I’m not overprotective, I just want to use a condom.
20. I’m not crying, I just f*cked up my contacts.
21. I’m not overly-emotional, you were just being a douchebag and I’m responding to that.
22. I’m not a neat-freak, I just don’t want to live with rodents because you can’t wash a few dishes.
23. I’m not clingy when I ask to hang out, I just haven’t seen you in three weeks.
24. I’m not obsessed with you, I just don’t have your number anymore because I know my drunk self better than anyone.
25. I’m not possessive, you’re just eating off my plate and this is our first Tinder date.
26. I’m not a bitch, you’re just not listening to what I’m saying.
27. I’m not overreacting, you cheated on me while I was at my grandmother’s funeral.
28. I’m not frigid, I just really need to poop.
29. I’m not being irrational, I just asked you not to use my loofa to scrub your butt.
30. I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend, I just don’t understand why you texted me for four months and once we saw each other again, you told me you didn’t want to rush into anything because you had been “hurt before.”
31. I’m not stalking you, these are my friends and this is their party…
32. I’m not being overly-sensitive, you just insulted my religious beliefs.
33. I’m not crazy, you’re just a d*ck.
Lauren Martin
Staff Writer
Lauren Martin is a Senior Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. After graduating from PSU, she moved to NYC to write fart jokes at Smosh Magazine. Making her way to ED, she now writes riveting commentary on nude pics, condoms and first dates.