Rosie Waterland expected the whole movie to be a bit of a cheesy laugh. Instead she walked out of the cinema on the verge of tears.
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan as Anastasia and Christian.
I walked into the premiere screening of
Fifty Shades of Grey
last night planning to walk out with a bunch of ridiculous and funny material that would lead to a hilarious recap. Instead, I walked out of the cinema on the verge of tears.
I’m really, really sorry you guys. I know I made a big deal yesterday about how I was going to write a ‘totes-hilare’ review. I obnoxiously posted pics from the red carpet and tweeted in all caps at the first sighting of pubes.
But I screwed up. I screwed up big time. I went into this film thinking it would be two hours of B-grade hilarity about bondage that I could make fun of. It was actually two hours of incredibly disturbing content about an emotionally abusive relationship that left me really, really shaken.
And now I’m embarrassed that I ever joked about it.
Rosie Waterland
I haven’t read any of the Fifty Shades books, so I went into last night’s screening cold. I think that was the problem. The phenomenon has only ever been on the periphery of my care-factor zone. I honestly thought the story was just about a young, sexually inexperienced woman, who meets a slightly older, extremely sexually experienced man, and he teaches her everything she needs to know in three books of clit-tingling sex-scenes.
It was my understanding that the sex was BDSM-themed, which, with my limited knowledge of that stuff, I assumed included some tying up of hands and slapping on the bum and… I don’t know – blindfolds?
I thought the books were all about kinky, slightly naughty sex. Sex that mixed pleasure with a bit of pain and made housewives around the world read the book with one hand free. And I’m all about women pleasuring themselves, so other than thinking I was glad some sexually-repressed women were getting their rocks off, I didn’t really give it much more thought.
I had heard the rumblings from domestic violence groups wanting people to boycott the film, but with limited understanding of the story, I assumed that was because it involved a woman being physically harmed by a man during sex. And my opinion was, well, if they’re two consenting adults, and being tied up and slapped is their thing, then what’s the big deal?
But I had no idea that
Fifty Shades of Grey
isn’t just about the sex. It’s also about an incredibly disturbing and manipulative emotionally abusive relationship.
So, about half an hour into last night’s screening, I found myself doing a horrified double-take. I quite suddenly realised that I was watching a film that glorified domestic abuse.
The relationship between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele is one of the most fucked up and upsetting I’ve ever seen portrayed on the big screen.
And let me be clear to the women who are incredibly defensive of the book that gave them a sexual awakening: When I talk about domestic abuse, I’m not talking about the sex.
In fact, I considered the sex to be the least offensive part of the movie. Christian’s ‘playroom’ was everything I had hoped for comedy-wise – it looked like the home you imagine the gimp from Pulp Fiction would go home to at the end of the day. He tied up Anastasia and they did lots of sexy things with whips and feathers and her pleasure seemed just as important as his, which is refreshing for a blockbuster film.
But let’s take the sex out of the equation for a minute. Because as I was sitting in that cinema last night, I was completely floored by what I was watching. And by what millions of women had accepted as a relationship to aspire to.
Christian meets Anna. He is immediately obsessed with her. He figures out where she works and turns up there unannounced. He
tracks her phone
one night and confronts her on the street. He even lets himself into her home, and shocks her by walking into her bedroom while she’s alone.
When they start dating, he immediately puts himself in a position of complete control. He plays with her emotions and confuses her by doing things like tenderly kissing her, then pushing her away. He refuses to share a bed with her after they sleep together. She is in tears about the way he treats her within a few days. She finds herself staring longingly at couples who seem to be happy and affectionate with one another.
He buys her a computer so he can contact her whenever he wants. He sells her car and provides her with one that he approves of, all without asking her. He tells her that she’s not allowed to tell anybody about what goes on between the two of them, or it’s over, essentially isolating her from friends and family.
He says that she must dress in clothes that he chooses. She must go to a doctor that he chooses, and take the contraceptive that he chooses. She must eat what he chooses. She’s not allowed to drink to excess. He tells her that it is her job to please him, and that if she doesn’t keep him happy to his exact specifications, it’s over.
When he finds out that she has scheduled a trip to her mother’s house in another state without asking him, he is furious. He throws her over his shoulder and screams, “YOU ARE MINE. ALL MINE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”
By this point, Christian has complete control of Anna. He dictates when they see each other, how affectionate they are with each other and who Anna is allowed to talk to and spend time with. Her friends and family can tell that she’s unhappy.
But above all, Anna is confused. Whenever she tries to reach out to Christian, she doesn’t know if he’s going to be receptive or ice-cold. He’s inconsistent, and, desperate to hang on to the few moments that he’s nice to her, that inconsistency keeps Anna under his control. She seems to think that if she stays, if she just keeps trying, she’ll figure out how to make him happy and he’ll stop treating her so badly.
Anna is smack-bang in the middle of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Now, take all of what I just described, and add some BDSM sex. Then, take all the conditions Christian placed on Anna, and frame them in the context of an ‘official BDSM contract’ that he made her sign.
That is how this movie makes domestic abuse seem okay. It’s emotional abuse disguised as a ‘naughty sex contract’. It’s domestic violence dressed up as sexy fantasy.
And it’s a genius, subtle move. Putting this kind of controlling, emotionally abusive relationship in the context of a sexy billionaire who just needs to be loved, makes it ridiculously easy to convince audiences the world over that this kind of behaviour is okay. He’s not some poor drunk with a mullet, hitting his wife for not doing the dishes. Christian is classy. Rich. Educated. He’s not what most women imagine an abuser to be, and his kind of abuse is not what most women would immediately recognise.
Not to mention, the combination of emotional abuse and sexual bondage means anybody who says they find the message in the story disturbing can be reduced to a ‘prude’, or accused of not understanding what BDSM involves. The blurred lines in this film mean any kind discussion about abuse can be easily shut down by those determined to be obtuse because they like the sexy blindfolds.
But there is no doubt in my mind that the film I watched last night was a disturbing and clear depiction of a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. This was domestic violence. I don’t care how many women learned to embrace sex because of Fifty Shades of Grey. THIS WAS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
I was somewhat heartened when the film ended with Anna deciding her limits had been pushed too far. She leaves Christian and is clear that she doesn’t want him to follow. Then I found out that she goes back to him, and spends the next two books in the same emotional and manipulative turmoil. She spends the next two books clinging to the good moments they have together, hoping that eventually the good will outweigh the bad. Hoping that one day she’ll figure out how to make him happy, so he won’t need to keep treating her badly. Hoping that if she just… keeps… trying…
This was domestic abuse marketed as Valentine’s Day fun. That’s why I nearly cried. And that’s why I couldn’t write a funny recap.
#4: Fifty Shades of Grey and one very bright shade of pink
Released: Feb 11, 2015
As this weekend's release of the steamiest movie of the year looms, not everyone is rushing out to buy a ticket. With calls to boycott the movie for "glorifying" violence against women, we ask; why is there such a real-life response to this fictional story?
The "debasement" continues when Monique is cornered into admitting something verrrrry private.
Mega songstress superstar Sia has a social phobia that sees her don wigs for events, cover her face on TV, and wear a paper bag over her head for magazine covershoots. Her approach has raised some interested questions in the age of celebrity: could anxiety ever be used as a marketing tool?
And if you read the books, all 3 of them, then you will see that their relationship does change. There is a reason why he is like he is. She changes him, turns the relationship around. Makes him see that love doesn't have to be like he thinks it has to be. People are too quick to judge. And it is after all fiction. These books were aimed at women like me, slightly older (and wiser). We don't take this stuff seriously. It is, after all a story. And a story that comes good in the end. Sick and tired of hearing people complaining about it. Don't read the books, don't watch the film if you don't like the subject.
I love the idea that just because you haven't read the book that you have no idea what is going on in it and have no right to pass judgment upon it. If the movie didn't want to come across as a poor representation of BDSM relationships or an accurate depiction of a sexually abusive relationship, then it was the responsibility of the writers/directors/everyone involved in the film to make sure that it didn't do as such. To the defenders, I have to ask: if your loved ones were in such an abusive relationship and you were told that their abuser had been similarly abused as a child/teen/whatever, would you then say 'Oh, well then carry on?' just because he was supposedly hot?
If you did not read the book you have missed so much! This man was abused from his very early years, he is lost in a world that was forced upon him. He hates himself for the lack of love he has for anyone, including himself! This is a beast of a love story and although I haven't seen the movie yet, from what I read about it, I fear the love story I refer to in the pages of the book has been lost. I will see the movie and I hope it keeps in line with the story I gleaned from its pages!
Are you serious? You do know that most people who abuse women or children where abused in just the same way growing up? It's not an excuse. Your comment is so rediculous it doesnt even sound genuine. You sound like youre trolling.
If you haven't read the books then there is a lot you don't know and you are judging the storyline far too soon. The next two books actually are less about the sex and more about the childhood and upbringing of Christian Grey. WHile I admit it is not great writing - it is not about domestic violence. It is about a man who has been abused! Read the next two books before you make your assumptions.
I thought it was supposed to be this epic love story. But okay, it was about a man who has been abused. That's totally what the promos have been telling me. It's about him. Sure. That sounds right. Thanks for clearing that up.
If you can't read one book and base your judgment upon it without having to read the other books, then that means the book was very very poorly written. Even in trilogies, you can always take a book out of it, read it in its entirety and evaluate it on its own. If you had to review a book only after you've read all the books, then the author has hopelessly failed to present their ideas.
Really, the only reason a book should be a trilogy/long series is if it's and EPIC adventure of GRAND proportions like "The Lord of the Rings", "Chronicles of Narnia", "Game of Thrones" etc. I highly doubt anything in "50 Shades of Grey" is anything even remotely close to grand. "Boo hoo.. Does he love me? Does he not?" doesn't count as an adventure that needs to span 3 thick books! Also, each of the books in the series I've mentioned add new material (new adventures, new characters, new situations) to the entirety of the series. "50 Shades" has three books that pace back and forth over the same thing.
On a different note, domestic violence is about extreme control and violence. The dubious consent present in the books/movie is not real consent at all especially when it's coerced so all the BDSM acts can be considered as abuse.
Abused or not, he was still abusing her... Past experiences can explain current actions, but they don't make them any less deplorable. Though, I am a bit interested in the female protag standing up to him... not sure if I'll read it though. But abuse is still abuse.
I have read the books and I view them all entirely as domestic violence. Just because Christian Grey had been abused in the past does not make his abuse of Ana okay. Just because he had been abused does not mean he has not now turned into the abuser. He manipulates and controls Ana throughout the series. He is emotionally abusive and threatens multiple times to physically harm her TELLING her that it has nothing to do with his pleasure. That's not BDSM, it's not okay, it has nothing to do with his past, but it has everything to do with his present status as Ana's abuser.
Finally!!! Yay for this I agree with you and people are saying you don't treat abuse with abuse... People read all the books actually she starts getting bossy and telling him how she wants the relationship and she does that to keep her because he has realized he has fallen in love for the first time! And is less about sec and more about him learning to have a normal relationship. All movies industries have been like this and no one ever has complained and at the end of the day that's all we do just complain and not do anything so please just sahrr your opinion by not insulting if you don't like the movie or book don't watch it or read it. Period.
You have to read all of the books, this was abuse that she recognizes and leaves him for. He learns to change and love her the right way because how he was before was wrong. As the books go on, she gains control. If you haven't read the books and just see this film I understand why you would see this movie as domestic violence because it is, it grows to become a powerful love story about a man overcoming his inner demons to love someone the right way that she deserves to be loved.
No, it really, really doesn't. It really is emotionally abusive from start to finish and this coming from someone who read the original as it was written and published. It's disturbing that you'd even consider defending it.
mirpanda, that concerning in another way, because it feeds into the "you can fix him" myth. While I don't want to say it's impossible for an abuser to learn to be better. It's not the normal outcome. Usually staying with your abuser just means more abuse and the situation escalates more often than it improves.
People just don't watch or read about 50 Shades if you don't like it! Why we all making a bug deal of this when 80% of entertainment industry shows abuse against women! Is the same thing over and over then we all will forget about it. The end
Dang Jessica, are you friends with the author or getting a percentage of ticket sales or something? Calm down! Problem is...I did read the books, hoping they'd get better. Unfortunately, all they did was leave me angry, wanting my money back, and those hours of my life I wasted reading them back. Will I see the movie? No. That's my choice not to just like it's your choice to go and see it. I just think the author is a pathetic excuse for a writer. She made a controlling boyfriend look sexy and her heroine look like a one-dimensional dufus. She couldn't even come up with her own bloody characters - had to steal them from Twilight. And, I highly suggest she invest in a thesaurus.
And out in the real world, it is the same thing over and over, (unless someone gets killed before the conveniently handsome and rich hero sees the light and is saved), and then we all forget about it. And it never, ever, ends.
I wish all the money that is made from this movie would be donated to shelters/hotlines/treatment centers and clinicians who works endlessly to support women who have been a victim of violence emotional, verbal, or physical. I couldn't agree more with this review. I have only read the books so I can't speak to the movie, however, I could not get over the emotional turmoil Ana goes through just to keep this man happy. Just because you orgasm more than once during sex should not be an excuse to stay with a man who controls how you dress, what your eat, what birth control you use, when you see your family, who your friends are, what doctors you see, where you live, and what car you drive.
Emotional and domestic abuse is not OK. I did read the book after quite a while of having it stashed in a bottom draw. Grey has an abusive narcissistic way of conducting himself, he shows this through his domination of the women in his life. I've lived with a narcassist and could see the traits quite clearly in the book. The fact that he had a disturbed child hood only fuels his desire for dominance. He wants his way at all costs, he does not feel for Anna.. he only feels for himself. The sex is just a way of him controlling. Rant over!! Run Anna Run... A romance story it is not! And - yes Rosie I agree with your comments on the whole thing.
So what? Does every piece of entertainment you consume need to have a wholesome message and a happy ending? Sometimes people do bad things, sometimes they have screwed up abusive relationships, and films are about people.
No one is saying that bad things like this don't happen. Abusive relationships occur every day, but the problem that Rosie (and I) take with 50 Shades of Grey is that an abusive relationship is portrayed as desirable in the film/books. It's not about stating that bad things happen. It's about glossing over the fact that an emotionally abusive relationship like this is incredibly damaging and even romanticizing a damaging relationship. No woman should look at a relationship like this as a great love story, regardless of whether or not the man changed his ways at the end. (And, in reality, people who are narcissistic and perpetrate abuse like this rarely change.) To portray this relationship as something to sought after is a terrible message to portray to women, as well as men. And marking it as a "romantic Valentines' Day" movie is absolutely shameful.
It's the fact that 50 shades tries to pass itself off as a romantic and ideal relationship that is the problem or rather the women reading it are believing that this relationship is the "ideal." It would be fine if it just acknowledged that it was abuse, but it doesn't. It tries to play it off as BDSM and in turn paints an already misunderstood community in a worse light.
The problem isn't that abuse is portrayed, but that it's portrayed as sexy/appealing. Yes, people do bad things, but we lose ground as a society when we fail to recognize that they're bad.
The movie industry is designed to make money. Almost any book that is turned into a movie exploits certain angles (this one being "romance"). Sure this line may have been crossed but you can't say the book's multi-layered story has anything to do with this.
I understand all of this you are saying but the reason of why he is like that is the most important part that a lot of people are not taking into consideration. He was abused when little and as all abused child's he grew up with traumas and learn to take out his rage this way. And the other books little by little he learns to stop because he realizes that she's more important than anything and that love offers him what control and power doesnt
You have to understand that's not how it works in real life. The "bad guy" grows a heart and learns to love, bla bla bla. This is not about opinions or "don't like? Don't watch". The problem is the blatant abuse in the film disguised as a love story, making it seem okay for a lot of people (and to be blunt, one of those people is you). Despite his apparent positive character development, he was still an abuser. He just changes slowly over time. Do you think it works like that in real life? Why do you think women stay in abusive relationships? You'd think if someone was physically or emotionally abusing someone they'd leave. But surprisingly (or not - it is common, just compelling), a lot don't. There are many reasons why they stay, but one is because they claim to love them or that their abuser can change. Do you really think they change? This movie just validates their thoughts.
Jessica, I was sexually abused as a child and have grown up with this trauma. I have NEVER taken my "rage" out on anyone - not even myself. So to say that someone who is abused takes their rage out on others is very offensive. Sure, not everyone reacts the same way and deals with their traumas the same way but to say someone abuses another is okay because they were abused, nu-uh. Wrong. It is not okay for a person to abuse another, even if they had been a victim when they were younger. Stop making excuses for abusers. It doesn't do anyone any good.
Please tell me how it's okay or less wrong simply because he was abused. I watched my best friend in an abusive relationship with a man who was raped by his parents as a child, who refused to leave him for five horrific years because of how he controlled her and she kept telling herself she knew they would be okay if he just got the help he needed. Help he still never got at 40 years old. People who have no clue of the reality of these situations act like it's okay simply because he's psychologically damaged. In real life, NO ONE WOULD EVER ENCOURAGE A FRIEND TO BE TREATED THAT WAY.
I understand that there's lots of reasons women enjoyed this series and if the abusive behavior is justifiable to you I cannot change that, but please do not make the assumption that all victims of abuse grow up to be abusers themselves. Yes, their are destructive patterns often found in abuse victims but each manifests differently and they do not necessarily involve hurting others. More often they hurt themselves. And regardless, I was raped as a child but if I became a rapist as an adult then I should still be charged for my crimes. And while I do believe that abusers are capable of change, it usually isn't until after some kind of therapy, rehab, police involvement, something that's a wake up and teaches them how to reprogram their social behaviors.
"Little by little" is not acceptable. Being abusive AT ALL is not acceptable.
An abusive past is not an excuse for perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Someone broke into my house and stole my stuff, so I broke into my neighbor's house and stole his stuff. That is not acceptable.
Like I said ten thousand times I think is everyone has their own opinion and that's all I said. You don't like it don't watch it. And rather we all look like hypocrite s because we never do anything about it we just complain and also almost all the movie indistry is like this and no one has ever said something before
Wait, so do people always complain or do people never say anything? Which is it?
People have formed charities to fight the bad information from this book/film. People have been protesting messages in films for decades. You may not be aware of it, but there are a lot of people actively working to against domestic abuse and to improve the portrayal of women in media. This has been going on for decades if not longer. It's just a big problem that isn't solved over night.
It's not about liking or disliking it Jessica its about the fact that it portrays a seriously abusive relationship as something normal. The relationship isn't normal and this has to be pointed out in the film in the books. Too many people do not realise that they're in an abusive relationship and books/movies like this reinforce an unhealthy relationship. It's not about the sex its about how the people and their relationships are portrayed.
At the good old "he just needs a good woman to save him" plot line. That's right ladies, if he starts to mistreat you, run away, unless he's had a shitty childhood, or been hurt by an ex, or never knew his dad, or got bullied in school. In that case, you should stay, and heal him, by letting him abuse you. Hmmmm.
This is part of the problem. You can't "save" an abusive man. People don't change. In real life, Anastasia would never change Christian. She would probably end up dead.
And by the way she gets the control in the other books because she decided that what he's doing is not bright like we all know I'm not stupid is common sense abuse is not right
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