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    It’s time to take a stand against the urinal

    Peter Ormerod
    The act of public urination has become a trope of hairy masculinity. Why can’t we just sit down?
    Duchamp's Fountain urinal
    Marcel Duchamp’s 1917 work Fountain. ‘The only suitable place for the urinal in the 21st century is behind glass in an art gallery.’ Photograph: AP
    If you’ve ever wondered how men achieved their cultural dominance in the world, I’m pretty sure I know what happened. Long ago, the gods disproportionately granted to men positions of power in politics, business, science and the arts – power they still exercise to this day. But there was a cost: they would have their dignity affronted routinely and be expected to conduct one of their most delicately personal acts in public. Yes, that’s right: we were lumbered with the urinal.
    The thing is, I’d happily trade in my male privilege for a world without them. I’m 35 years old and have never knowingly used one. Now I find such matters phenomenally difficult to discuss, and struggle to utter even the gentlest euphemism concerning the expulsion of bodily waste. But all it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to say nothing – and as urinals are evil in porcelain, I feel a duty to let it all out.
    My desperation has been prompted by the invention of a urinal attachment to the standard domestic lavatory. It encourages the worst in us men: the indulgence of a certain Neanderthal instinct to consider ourselves different in every way from The Ladies. For the unspoken truth is that women could “enjoy” urinals too if they really wanted to. But quite rightly, they’d rather queue for months than use the things.
    Whether trough or bowl, the urinal subjects a man to the most wretched of indignities, to which we have become so inured that any deviation from the norm is considered effete. The urinal is inconsistent with civilisation: there is something barbarous about expecting men to expose themselves and carry out such a tender operation before others, especially while maintaining conversations with ostentatiously unembarrassed neighbours. And don’t give me that “it’s just a natural bodily function” nonsense: you don’t leave the door open when you’re in the cubicle, do you? (Do you … ?)
    The act of public urination, a practice encouraged by the urinal, has become a trope of hairy masculinity: it forms part of a key scene in the putative board-sweeper Boyhood, and is something in my experience expected of full-bladdered men at barbecues and so forth. But it’s surely the nastiest and grisliest way of affirming one’s testosterone levels. Yes, there are times when going al fresco is essential to prevent further humiliation, but I’ve managed to avoid the eventuality on all but one occasion, our car having had to stop in the Northamptonshire village of, ahem, Weedon.
    The existence of the urinal has nothing to do with biological necessity and everything to do with showy manliness. Men: you can do it seated, you know, which is a thousand times more hygienic and gets around the whole seat-up/down business. The Main Drain just encourages bad habits – and, not for the first time, the Germans are way ahead of us. Increasingly, the average boy is taught to be a sitzpinkler, the meaning of which can be inferred. In fact, so advanced are they that a judge over there has just had to consider whether it’s even legal for men to do the deed upright.
    Yes, it’s time to take a stand against the urinal. In fact, the only suitable place for the urinal in the 21st century is behind glass in an art gallery. It’s just got to go.

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    • 0 1
      This article is satire right? ...tell me this is satire.... :o
      Reply |
    • 0 1
      I have never "knowingly" used a public toilet for my other business. On the rare occasion that nature calls when I'm outside the comfort of my home, the thought of sitting is quite the source of dread. Even if every man sat as they peed, I dont believe anyone would celebrate sitting in public. Not only counting time wasted, but also sitting where many and their hairy behinds have sat and also risk brushing my genitals against the interior of the toilet ( yes it's a real scare) every time I have to pee? No thanks. I'll stand in public.
      Reply |
    • 0 1
      Here we are in the 21th century, where the bright minds are trying to figure out how to make urinals for women, or tools so women can use it, and the feminist mindset is trying to prevent men from using.
      The bright minds have their reasons. Urinals reduce the clogging on bathrooms, reduce the waiting time and the space used. They wanna give women more free time to do what they please.
      Now, why would you want to oppress men into not using a more practical way of doing stuff? Because it highlights they are men?
      I do pee sitting down when at home, but using an urinal when not at home is vital. It's the difference between 5min and 1min toilet breaks.
      Reply |
    • 0 1
      Wtf? Some guys wants to pee sitting down, no idea why but who's stopping him? Is there a shortage of things that actually matter going on in the world at the moment?
      Reply |
    • 0 1
      I am not a man. But I always said it would be easier to be one peeing standing up being reason #1. Especially when traveling through the mountains and you gotta go. Just sayin it is not easy peeing without a toilet.
      Reply |
    • 2 3
      One of the worst opinion pieces I've ever read. A few ramblings punctuated by buzzwords to make yourself appear "relevant" in terms of some ongoing debate about gender politics. Here's where the discussion about gender equality gets silly: when you stop talking about pragmatic approaches to decrease tangible inequality and instead attack metaphors or symbols. I thought this might even be a Stewart Lee article for a bit, but there's nothing to indicate you're not being serious here.
      Do you want to know the reason people use urinals? It's because, thanks to our external genitals, we have the ability to do this standing up, quickly and without much fuss. Why shouldn't we take advantage of something we're built with? Not to mention the fact that a lot of men will tell you it feels a lot more comfortable to stand up to do it instead of sit down and do it.
      Now stop writing these silly articles and write about something important.
      Reply |
      • 0 1
        There's two things to consider here as far as gender equality is concerned, as always : things that seems like purely practical matters, and the fact that those practical matters contribute very much to maintaining collective sexualized imagery.
        Indeed, as a man, it's a lot more convenient to pee upstanding, but don't tell me that you've never seen a guy go to "his" tree, have his pee, and get back with this impetuous, proud and manly attitude the moment he reaches his friends. "Yeah, I feel like a real beast when I grab my dick outside and can have my pee to the view of anyone passing by". The thing that embodies the "gender dominance issue" here, is that I have seen many girls having their pee outside too, and not so much less upstanding than we do, but they just don't (can't, mustn't ?) boast about it. Here you have your important subject : a daily apparently genuine action that both genders do, but which only men can socially use as a way to reinforce their "superiority" against the other sex.
        As usual, sexual dominance here works perfectly well : it veils a historical and meaningful act with the "conveniency" and "natural differences" argument, so that anyone can contribute to the dominance without even noticing it. If you really want a biological difference : I think we can pee in our mouth if we want to, but normal girls can't pee in theirs ! A girl not being able to pee upstanding as we do is biological bullshit, but social truth.
        Sure, getting rid of urinals would be a little {but a very very little) embarrassing in those kinds of clubs where "bisexual" toilets are always occupied. But think about this : instead of separating men and women rooms, just make one big room with more toilets. Ok, there would be less intimacy, and you would have to wait a little bit longer before getting relieved. But you prevent all those guys from thinking they are so different and so strong because they can pee upstanding, and above all you prevent girls from : 1. thinking they are less able than we are, 2. think that you really have a self-confidence problem to reach for a proof of manhood in your peeing...
        Not handling those little things which ARE both consequences and causes of sexual dominance is proof that we are not ready for dismantling it. First, we should find that our peeing has social and sexual meaning, and accept that everybody can have the same toilets without anyone being shortchanged. Then, and only then, we've made one step towards gender equality. And there's nothing more important than little steps when social change is at stake.
        Reply |
      • 0 1
        Men boast about peeing where you come from? How weird.
        Reply |
    • 0 1
      The author appears blissfully unaware of developments in Germany http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-30937492
      Reply |
    • 5 6
      Is this supposed to be a comedy piece?
      I'm not joking, I really have no idea if this is supposed to be a satirical piece on the way people try to find ever-smaller things to disagree upon.
      Reply |
    • 0 1
      I suggest that the author try pissing in the toilet of my local restaurant, where he will have the choice of a trough-style urinal or a squat toilet (without handles to stop you falling in if you squat too far).
      Reply |
    • 0 1
      I do it in an old yoghurt container I keep on the cistern and tip it down the pan.
      .... but sitting is the best all-round ...... avoids that extra dribble that's in the standing-up-U-bend that can wet your leg after you've zipped up ..... you know ..... ?
      Otherwise there are always those flexible rubber tap sink swooshers .... ?
      Reply |
    • 1 2
      Peter needs to get his mind off of how other males do their pee-pee. Don't like weeing next to a stranger? Don't do it. Masculinity about peeing standing up? Like....duh!
      I can't believe someone would publish this silliness. Guardian, you can do better.
      Reply |
    • 1 2
      Never knowingly used one? 'Knowingly'? So you're piss shy, I get it. It's not a vulgar display of masculinity (Why is masculinity vulgar, by the way? You never really explained that one), it's just an awfully convenient contraption. Hence why the only time you 'knowingly' used one, was when you needed to go in a rush and didn't have the convenience of time. Convenient.
      Masculinity is not a crime; it's a product of being a man. If you don't like it, it's the 21st century; you can always surgically remedy that situation.
      You sucked the dick of Germany in saying they're culturally trying to get boys to sit down and be sitzpinklers, and that a judge is thinking of making standing up to piss illegal.
      First, I am shocked you want one innocent act to be subject to legislation. That's rather fascist of you (to legally force people to conform to your insecure discomforts), but secondly, I am shocked at your ignorance of this German situation. You do realise it's not being well received by the populace? In fact, and I laughed when I read it, there's a movement to where men are 'taking a stand' on the issue.
      This clearly is a case of blatant insecurity, both in gender and in public matriculation.
      Here's a simple idea: if you don't like doing something; don't do it. But don't try to start a dialogue in making it illegal to do the thing that you personally don't like.
      Now sit down.
      Yours,
      The Un-castrated Management
      x x x
      Reply |
    • 1 2
      I'm guessing the author has never found himself in a bar near closing time, where the only available seat has been piss-splashed by the rest of the drunken male customers all night long.
      But regardless, was there anything ever as pointless as this article? I think the Guardian has jumped the proverbial shark with this one.
      Reply |
    • 1 2
      'Hygienic' ??? You are welcome to your urine splashed seat. Grow a pair and stop whining...
      Reply |
    • 1 2
      Someone who is 35 years old and has never knowingly used one surely needs some sort of professional help?
      Reply |
    • 2 3
      Poor Peter. This inspires desperation in you? The Battle of Britain was desperation you tool. What would you do if you saw waves of icky old time German Bombers coming over the channel only they are standuppinklers. Would you write a sternly worded letter in protest? Organize the SJW army to blog about it?
      Your a weak emasculated little man.
      Reply |
    • 4 5
      Flushing toilets are one of the world's greatest wastes of fresh water.
      Reply |
    • 2 3
      And I thought things were kafkasque here in Canada. This clown gives a whole new dimension to self loathing male apologist white knights.
      Reply |
    • 2 3
      Vagina envy at its very worst. Pile of horse shit.
      Reply |
    • 2 3
      What fucking hack wrote this?
      Reply |
    • 2 3
      It's because boys don't like to place their clean bottoms on nasty, dirty public toilet seats. ps. my dad sits down at home because it's only civilized.
      Reply |
    • 3 4
      I've always considered myself an ally to feminism; but if you think I'm going to pee sitting down, just because women can't use a urial, you've got another thing coming. And I can tell you one thing, bullshit like this is not going to help the feminist cause any!
      Reply |
    • 1 2
      Don't think it's satire, but I don't think the author really believes himself either. It's intentionally exaggerated in its condemnation of the urinal. I think he's just trying to articulate certain discomfort, or something, aroused by his experience of a very everyday, but perhaps in some ways unusual, act, under the cloak of rhetoric with the appearance of a political statement, but, I feel sure, designed primarily to amuse.
      Reply |
    • 2 3
      Just offering this one up out of interest. I don't find sitting down necessarily makes things more accurate. In fact it might be easier to control the direction in a standing position. I am a fairly big chap (6foot3 and 130 kg).?
      Reply |
    1 2 3 4 … 22 next
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