i'm not here to be polite

if you are in need of immediate emotional support, check my resources page for a list of emergency resources.

if you are unsure about the meaning of a particular word, check out my glossary of terms related to lgbtqiap+ discussions.

the faq below provides answers answers to some common questions. please read through this before sending an ask; it’s also advisable to read through my resources page. i generally ignore asks if the answer can be found in the faq. in addition, i will probably ignore asks using slurs. this includes ableist slurs & language. if you are unsure what constitutes an ableist slur or ableist language, or what words you can use instead, please reference this list.

question: why do you define bisexuality as the attraction to two or more genders? i thought ‘bi’ meant two.

first, let’s clear up a couple of misconceptions. bisexuality is not the attraction to only men and women, or people of only two genders. it is not the attraction to ‘only cis men and women’—this is highly transphobic, as it suggests that trans men and women are not men and women respectively, but rather some ambiguous other gender. bisexuals can be attracted to people with non binary gender identities. because of this, bisexuals may be attracted to multiple genders, but are not necessarily attracted to people of their own gender; in addition, bi women may not necessarily be attracted to men, and vice versa. bisexuality is also not the attraction to “the two sexes” as the biological sex binary, like the gender binary, is a social construction.

so yes, while the prefix bi- does mean two, the bisexual community generally uses broader definitions, such as the attraction to people of multiple genders, or the attraction to two or more genders. this includes bisexuals who are attracted to two and only two genders all the way up to bisexuals who are attracted to people of all genders, and many bisexuals define their own sexuality as the attraction to people of genders both similar to and different from their own.

if you’re going to complain to mean about how we can’t just “ignore etymology!!” here’s a tip for you: don’t bother. i’m just going to ignore you. read some of these fun articles instead: etymological fallacy, 20 words that once meant something very different, these 12 everyday words used to have completely different meanings.

• related question: how can a bi woman not be attracted to men / how can a bi man not be attracted to women?
  they are attracted to multiple genders, including one or more non binary genders, but are not attracted to men / women, respectively.
• related question: how can a bisexual not be attracted to their own gender?
  they are attracted to multiple genders, generally including one or more non binary genders (ex, a bi woman being attracted to men & agender ppl), but not always (ex, a non binary person being attracted to men & women).

question: but what about pansexuality & polysexuality?

pansexuality and polysexuality are still totally legitimate identity labels, and using the a more expansive definition of bisexuality doesn’t change that! yes, there is a lot of overlap, but that just means that we get to determine what makes us most comfortable when choosing a label. there are a ton of reasons why someone might prefer to identify as bisexual, pansexual, or polysexual (or some combination of them, or something else entirely), and that’s okay. respect how other people choose to identify!

however, while labels such as pansexuality are not inherently bad, they can be defined in ways that are problematic. for example, “i am pansexual because i love people, not genders.” i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no one loves genders and not people! everyone has preferences within the gender(s) they are attracted to (ex. liking guys who are funny, girls who really like space documentaries, extroverted people, etc.); this is not exclusive to pansexuality. in addition, many definitions of pansexuality may be cissexist or transphobic. other bad defs include “genderblind” pansexuality (read why here) and “hearts not parts” pansexuality (read why here).

if you want to read more about choosing to identify as bi, pan, & poly, you can read my post here.

question: is there are word for being attracted to only cis people / amab people / afab people? is it okay for me to only be attracted to them?

no, sorry, you’re being transphobic. you may not find certain genitalia attractive, but your orientation isn’t about genitalia—it’s about gender. and unless you live in a nudist colony, chances are that you’re going to experience attraction to someone before you have any idea what their junk looks like. the idea that you can only be attracted to cis people (or amab people, or afab people) operates on the idea that you can tell if someone is trans just by looking at them, and you can’t.

that being said, no one is saying you have to find certain genitalia attractive, or that you have to have sex with anyone (although it’s worth bearing in mind that just because you have sex with someone, doesn’t mean you have to actually interact in any way with their genitalia). honestly, if you’re transphobic, trans people probably don’t want to have sex with you anyways. but who and what we find attractive generally does not explode into being out of a vacuum in which prejudice doesn’t exist, and you’re no exception to that.

further reading here, here, here, & here.

• related question: i would date men and trans men / women and trans women / men, women, and trans people, what should i identify as?
  trans men are men. trans women are women. there is no special identifier for “i would date a trans person”. if you’re a straight guy who would date trans women, congrats, you’re straight. etc. etc.

question: what should i identify as?

i get this question a lot, often accompanied by very long descriptions of how y’all feel towards certain genders. i’m sorry, but the answer is always going to be: i can’t tell you for sure. i’m not a mind reader. no matter how much you try to explain to me what you’re feeling, you’re always going to be more knowledgeable than me. i have an identity section on my resources page which you might find useful to read through to get some basic terminology and advice, but no one’s going to be able to sit you down and tell you “yes, this is 100% definitely what you are.”

• related question: can i still identify as bi/bisexual if…?
  i do not think i have ever said no in response to this question. it’s okay to identify as bi if you’ve never been involved with anyone, it’s okay to identify as bi if you’ve only been involved with people of one gender, it’s okay to identify as bi if you’re in a long term relationship, it’s okay to identify as bi if you’re only 13, it’s okay to identify as bi even if you have a strong preference for one gender, it’s okay to identify as bi if you are biromantic but not bisexual, it’s okay to identify as bi if you’re on the ace or aro spectrum & attracted to multiple genders, it’s okay to identify as bi even if you’re not 100% sure you are…it’s okay to identify as bi.
• related question: can you help me figure out my gender identity?
  honestly, as a cis girl, this is not my area of expertise. i am always willing to act as a sounding board if you need one, but you may have better luck checking out some of the trans blogs i have listed on my recommended blogs list, or the gender identity flow chart posted on transgenderteensurvivalguide's blog.

question: i’m considering coming out / telling someone i’m bi . do you have any advice?

as always, do what makes you most comfortable. you can find my post on coming out as bi here, and a list of resources you may find helpful in the coming out process on my resources page.

• related question: i’m not comfortable coming out. do i have to?
  no, definitely not. you’re the only person who can say if it’s right for you to come out. if you want to come out to only a few people, or not come out at all, that is totally & 100% okay.

question: what is internalized biphobia, and how can i overcome it?

internalized biphobia is the biphobic ideas and attitudes that we bi people espouse because we’ve been told them all our lives. biphobia may be towards other bisexuals (ex, discrediting other people’s identities, considering certain people not “bi enough”) or towards ourselves (doubting your own identity, feeling as if you’re not “gay enough” for lgbtqiap+ spaces). overcoming internalized biphobia is a process, but i do have some tips here. remember, you are amazing and your identity is valid!

question: do you have any suggestions for books/television shows/movies with bi representation?

for books, check out bisexual-books. for movies, TV shows, games, etc. you can check out my representation tag.

question: what do you mean “everything is a social construct”?

put as simply as possible, social constructs are systems or concepts that we take for granted or consider to be inevitable, but which are not necessarily so; instead, the way we understand them is heavily influenced by the way society has taught us to understand them. for example, in the united states, we consider matters of underage drinking a criminal justice issue; however, we could easily look at them through a public health lens instead.

many identity labels, such as race, class, gender, etc. are socially constructed. however, this does not mean that they are not “real” or that they are unimportant. it merely means that these categories don’t exist separately from society, and how we as a society understand, talk about, and continue to create or modify them.

social construction play a huge role in lgbtqiap+ discussions. there’s a reason that straightness is seen as “normal” and lqbtqiap+ identities are not—and it’s not just that more people are straight. after all, there are considerably more lgbtqiap+ people than there are residents of rhode island, but we don’t regularly use language that excludes or derogates residents of rhode island. it is because our socially constructed idea of “normality” doesn’t include non-straight identities.

this is kind of simplified, so if you want to read more, try here.

• related question: what does it mean that gender is socially constructed?
  firstly, it means that there is not any independently existing imperative that says that gender had to exist. it’s totally possible in some alternate universe somewhere that everything is the same, except that gender just never became a thing. and secondly, it means that the collection of ideas that make up what we understand to be male vs. female was made up by society. there is nothing inherently feminine about wearing dresses, or the color pink, or cooking, or giving birth; likewise, there is nothing inherently masculine about liking trucks, or the color blue, or action movies. for more on the social construction of gender difference, click here.
• related question: gender may be socially constructed, but biological sex isn’t!
  false. biological sex is definitely socially constructed, as is pretty much all of science. yes, hormones, DNA, and anatomical structures are all things (although it should be noted that there is not exactly a thing/social construct dichotomy). however, the decision to sort people based on these features into one of two categories is a social construct. these categories are totally arbitrary. we could have had none, or we could have had fifty, but someone somewhere decided we were going to have two. and furthermore, going on to gender these categories as male vs. female is totally random. we don’t say that hair color, or height, or any number of other physical attributes are male vs. female, but we do with your junk, and someone somewhere down the line made that decision. for more reading, click here.

question: what does lgbtqiap+ stand for? what does mogai mean?

lgbtqiap+ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersex, asexual/aromantic, panromantic, and other non-straight identities. it is the acronym i use most often. mogai stands for marginalized orientations, gender alignments, and intersex. i don’t use this very often because of the overwhelming number of asks i get asking what it means (despite having it in my faq), but it may show up on my blog occaisonally. i do not use mogii (marginalized orientations, gender identities, and intersex) because it can be interpreted as including dyadic, cis, straight women, which is not the intent.

question: can you give me relationship advice / i like someone but they’re straight what should i do / etc.?

no, sorry. really not my area of expertise.

question: is it okay if i don’t want to date bisexuals?

no, it’s biphobic. bisexuals are a hugely diverse group, and it’s likely that any reason you have is based in biphobia. i don’t care if you’re “worried they’ll leave you”. guess what. most relationships end, and if you’re not prepared to deal with that, you probably shouldn’t be dating. 

question: why do you say things like “i hate straight people”?

well, obviously i don’t hate all straight people. when i say something about straight people as a group, i am using a literary device called metonymy, in which you use a word to represent a more abstract idea. in this case, i am using “straight people” to refer to the systems of oppression which systematically afford straight people with privilege while oppressing lgbtqiap+ people. metonymy is something that we use very often in the english language—so before you get pissed at me for saying “wow straight people suck”, think about why it’s okay for you to say “i hate teachers” when really you mean the fucked up education system, but it’s not okay for oppressed groups to do the same.

• related question: straight people aren’t the problem, assholes are the problem!
  i wish this were the case, but unfortunately, it’s not. we were all born into a heterosexist world, and we all need to overcome the prejudices we have learned because of it. everyone says homophobic and biphobic things at some point in their life. i don’t care if all of your best friends are gay, you support marriage equality, and you go to every pride event in town wearing a fck h8 “str8 but not narrow” shirt, you’re still going to say problematic things. (in fact, the previously mentioned t-shirt is pretty problematic in and of itself). learn how to react when people call you out for it—apologize, and don’t do it again. it’s not about you.
• related question: why don’t you like “it’s okay to be straight” posts?
  because no one’s saying it’s not okay to be straight. posts like this stem directly from the idea that “heterophobia” is actually a thing that is hurting straight people, which isn’t true—it’s just a way straight people like to derail discussion about heterosexism & their own homophobia and biphobia. furthermore, straight people don’t need tumblr posts to tell them it’s okay to be straight, because society already does.

question: why haven’t you answered my ask?

i don’t answer all of the asks i get. sometimes, i am honestly just too busy or stressed to answer everything. i am also much more likely to ignore a question if it’s been answered in the ask, if i have recently answered a question that is very similar, or if it contains slurs or problematic language.