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01/18/15 - TIFU by soaking a child in my urine GoldenShowerJr
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submitted by MyLifeSuxNowx11
Original post here
Update post here
Alright, so Jenny and Carly got back from the hotel. I had my devices cleared, and everything looked normal. My brother and I were sitting on the couch watching TV. Jenny opened the front door, and Jenny and Carly walked in. It started with normal "hey huns" and "I missed yous". They took off their shoes near the door, and Carly went over to sit next to her husband. Jenny just walked up to me and hugged me for a good minute or two. I won't lie, it felt good forgetting about everything and just wrapping each other in our arms. She didn't smell different, so it was easy to forget about the whole affair situation.
She pulled out of the hug, and kissed me like she did Zack for a few seconds. I pulled away and said "what's up?" She looked away, I could tell she was beginning to cry, and started sobbing. She got all teary eyed, I almost felt bad for her, and she said "I'm so sorry honey". I played dumb and said "what happened?"
She asked me "Carly didn't tell you?". I said "no". She told me that she had to makeout with some guy (Zack) and that if she didn't he would let out a dirty secret of hers. I asked her what was the secret and she wouldn't tell me. I told her "is that all you did? A few kisses isn't that bad if he was blackmailing you. It's ok."
I asked her "what about the weekend get away?" You didn't go on a trip or anything?" She said no, she had only gone to a hotel where the guy wanted to meet up for some kisses.
Carly clearly looked uncomfortable during this, she kept looking over at us, as if she wanted to say something. I turned to look at Carly, and this is when the truth started to come out. I already knew Jenny had sex, I was playing dumb. Jenny said "we did a few other things but that's all." I asked her to tell me what she did. Jenny said she played with Zack's penis, and touched it a little.
Give me a break. I got more aggressive and frustrated with her lying and asked her "are you sure that's all you did?" Jenny then told me she had to have sex with him just to please him. I grew tired of her giving me tiny bits of the information, so I asked Carly what happened.
Carly told me that Jenny told her they were going to a lodge in the mountains for a weekend. Jenny told Carly that I didn't want to miss the football games, so I was gonna stay home and it was gonna be a fun weekend for them to bond. This is believable, they are best friends. Jenny then took them to Zack's house and she forced Carly to keep her mouth shut or she would tell my brother that Carly was cheating. She showed Carly where she would be in case something happened to her, and dropped Carly back off at the hotel. Carly said Jenny went back to Zack's place for a while, they did something, and came back later with a guy she didn't know. Jenny then had some more sex with Zack while Carly just spoke to the new guy that Jenny brought over. They had a few drinks and went to bed. They dropped them off at their houses, and now they came back home.
False. Bs. Carly lied, she never mentioned meeting X at Starbucks, or the Coffee shop trips at all. My brother was growing more and more frustrated with the lying, so was I. I told Jenny and Carly to come with me. I sat them down at the dining room table and asked them to give me the whole truth, as their stories didn't add up.
That's when Jenny started bombarding me with "why don't you trust me?" and "we're married, we're supposed to trust each other through thick and thin". Wrong verse. Carly started to give dirty looks, and she repeatedly rolled her eyes. It's was like I was speaking to toddlers. Jenny was furious, she walked into the kitchen, got a bottle of water and slammed the refrigerator door. My brother heard this, he came over and sat down with us.
The four of us were sitting at a table. My brother and I knew most of the truth, Jenny and Carly knew the whole truth. We had to get it from them.
Jenny started sobbing hysterically. Carly followed. They both cried for 10 minutes maybe, without talking. Jenny came over and hugged me and sobbed into my shoulder. I was gonna miss holding her for sure, she still felt like the same non-cheating person I knew before.
Jenny sat back down and told me the whole truth. Jenny and Carly had made up the whole trip. They wanted to have sex with other people for once. She hooking up. They went over to the Starbucks so Carly could meet the guy she had been seeing for a while prior. Jenny grew paranoid that she was being followed by me and started driving around in circles. She then went back to the shopping center to pick up Carly. X had something to take care of and said he would meet Carly later at the hotel. X is a friend of Carly's and Jenny's. Carly and Jenny then drove to the hotel they were staying at to eat some food.
Later, they went back to the car so they could drive over to Zack's flathouse. Jenny ran over to the car because again, she was paranoid I was following her. They drove over to Zack's house after many turns because she as paranoid I was following her. Jenny showed Carly where she would be if anything happened. Jenny then drove Carly back to the hotel. Carly waited up there for Jenny, Zack, and X to come over. Jenny went back over to Zack's house and they made out in there. They also had sex.
After a while, Jenny and Zack went to the shopping center to pick up X again. With X, they went back to the hotel where they were going to have sex. As I guessed, Carly got cold feet and didn't want to do it. Jenny and Zack however did have sex, multiple times. Carly ratted out Jenny right away so she wouldn't be involved with anything. They all had a bunch of drinks and got drunk. After Jenny and Zack had sex once more, they went to bed. Carly and X hung out all night, nothing romantic except for hand holding.
They woke up, ate food, dropped everyone off at their houses (kissed Zack), and drove to the Coffee shop. There they talked extensively about what the would tell us to cover up what happened. They got too confused and just decided to wing it. They went back to the hotel, got their things, and checked out. They left out the part about driving to the gym/grocery area, and said they just drove home. Instead of lying, they broke down and couldn't do it so now they're admitting what they did. They also didn't say anything about the person they talked to on the phone outside the hotel.
So, from what they told me, Jenny had sex, Carly did not but was going to. I don't know what to believe. Jenny again, hugged me and sobbed into my chest, ruining my shirt. Carly cried, but didn't approach her husband.
My brother had a look of relief on his face, but also slight anger. He scolded them about lying for maybe 15 minutes, then again about how badly they had hurt us, and they cried more. I was furious. I thought what we had was great, she never once showed signs of wanting to hook up with other people. I asked her how long this had been going on and how they were meeting each other, but she didn't say anything. After a few more minutes of crying, she said a few weeks, that was the first time they had sex. I was devastated, but I understood that this is what she wanted. Sure, she played with my feelings, but she's not a person fond of commitment at heart. She wants to sleep around, and that's fine with me.
That's just not happening when we're together, so I'm continuing with the divorce process. Fuck her. My brother and Carly talked in our bedroom. There was tons of yelling and crying on both parts, and they came out after 20 minutes. They looked like they had made up, and they went home. I was upset, Jenny kept telling me we could work through this, she didn't want to lose me, and that it would never happen again. I just left the table and went back to watching TV. She started yelling at me about how I was betraying her and that we are life partners and we can't divorce. She came over and tried to sit on top of me in a cute way, but I rejected. She got all pouty like she normally does when she's upset and went upstairs to use the restroom. Holy mood swings.
That's when I wrote that quick update. I told Jenny that we'd talk about it later tonight, and that I was still on with my friends to watch the football game. She pleaded to me one last time, but I wasn't budging. She said she had a date planned for us and I'd have a sexy surprise waiting for me for when I got back. She winked at me and said sorry, I walked out the door. I didn't say anything about the investigation I have going on.
Here I am, at my friend's house. They're clearly enjoying the game, I'm writing a depressing and devastating story on Reddit. Still on with the lawyer tomorrow morning.
Thank you all for the support these past few days, it has meant a lot to me. I'll post an update on what happens with the divorce lawyer, one about what happens when I get back home, and I might post a complete update post on everything on Monday/Tuesday @ r/relationships.
I'll retrieve call and text logs to find out who she was calling when they were outside the hotel.
Either way, my head is spinning and I don't know what to think about all this. There are so many questions that need answering. My brother is supposedly fine now, I'm still devastated. The next few months will be tough, but I think I can get through it. Jenny is at home alone now.
EDIT: Forgot to add Jenny has texted me 13 times to "come home" and "she misses me".
EDIT 2: I'm probably done updating for tonight, I'm not feeling up to it. I'll read and reply to some comments, but I can't get to all of them. Goodnight guys, thanks for the support
EDIT 3: (12:56pm) 1/19/2015 Hey. So my sexy surprise last night was pretty terrible. I walked into the house pretty pissed and Jenny had literally everything I like prepared for me. My favorite meal, the outfit of hers that I liked, etc. I didn't know what to do, this felt so many like some of our old nights together that we loved.
I didn't give in sexually, but I was pretty hungry. I sat down with her and we ate, pretty much in complete silence. She had the nerve to ask me "are you still upset with me?" I just looked at her, and she knew it. I finished eating and started heading upstairs. She chased after me, grabbed my hand, and once again, cried into me. Although this wasn't a whole bunch of tears like earlier, she was still sad.
You know, throughout all this, I still see flashes of the person I used to love so much. They way she walks, the mannerism when she brushes her hair back, etc. I realized, this is just her way of guilting me, I'm not gonna stay with someone who I can't trust, second guessing everything they tell me. I told her to "leave me alone, we'll talk some more tomorrow."
I go through my routine and go to bed, where she is waiting for me with one last attempt to have sex. I finally told her "this isn't happening, and you know it. You have Zack on speed dial, call him if you want a quick fuck." Out of rage, or maybe to prove that she doesn't love him anymore, she smashed her phone on the floor. She said "I told you I don't like him anymore! I want to be with *you** and only you!* Our bedroom floor is carpet, so her phone didn't break but the sim card and battery flew out which made it look bad (a.k.a cracked back). I told her to "pick up your fucking phone and stop bothering me, I'm trying to go to sleep. You should've thought about our relationship when you went around sleeping with other people".
More crying, and she fell asleep that way. I fell asleep afterwards, and we didn't have sex. I woke up this morning at 5am without waking her, hit the gym for an hour and went to the divorce lawyer. He has told me to not tell her anything about the PI investigation or anything else involving the divorce. He thinks it would be wise if I thought this over thoroughly, as after divorce it would be tough to go back. He told me to give him a call when I was ready to move forward. I received a copy of the prenuptial agreement, and we read it over. It's still valid (thank god). He didn't have much time to speak with me since he shouldn't have been in office for MLK but he has me and one other client early and he wanted to go back home.
I'm planning on calling him tomorrow morning to move forward with the process, there is no way at all I'm staying with Jenny. After the meeting, I texted my brother and asked him how things were going. He said "about back to normal." Well, good for him. It's weird, I'm happy for him, but I kinda wish I had a partner to go through this with me together. It's tough getting a divorce, but I'm not a bitch and I can get through this.
Jenny texted me this morning asking "where are you?" a few times. I didn't reply. I'm at home now, it's pretty awkward. She's trying to set up a movie date with us tonight, and I keep rejecting.
To clear up a few things: Some people are telling me I'm bragging on these posts. I never said I have a huge cock, never said I was insanely attractive, never said I'm filthy rich or have a great job. I don't consider myself above anyone at all. The only reason the sexual details were included is because it's a common reason to divorce. A lot of divorces are over sexual dissatisfaction.
And, thank you all for the support. There is no way I'll be able to read all these replies and PMs, but I'll try to reply to as many as I can. There will probably be a couple more updates here, and I'll post another update thread in a few months on how I'm doing and how the divorce went.
Again, thanks for the golds, but this is a throwaway as I've mentioned. It'll make it much easier to read comments, so thanks!
EDIT 4: (3:15pm) 1/20/2015: Alright. Sorry for delay in updates recently, it's just tough updating when Jenny is home. I don't want her to find out about the posts so I have to open a new window whenever she walks by. As a result, it takes a while to write a post that should take just 30 minutes.
Anyways, Jenny tried to drag me to the movies last night. She said if we spent some time alone clearing our minds, we might be able to rethink this situation thoroughly and realize we are perfect for each other. I wanted to watch American Sniper anyways, but I didn't want to go to the movies alone, so I gave in since she was pestering me. When we got into the theater, I immediately started to regret it.
There were countless attempts at holding hands, kissing, wrapping her arm around me or pulling my arm around her, etc. After my rejections, she grew frustrated during the movie and began to shun me. Like a child, she had her head facing the other way from me instead of watching the movie. After that, she started to repeatedly tap me on my thigh over and over and over and over for almost the rest of the movie.
On the drive home, she started crying/shouting at me about how sorry she is. She said she's having nightmares about losing me and she can't imagine a day where she doesn't wake up next to me, etc. I told her "I don't want to continue a romantic relationship with you. We are getting a divorce." I asked her to pull over so I could drive since she was acting like a maniac and I was afraid she'd drive us right into traffic. The rest of the drive home was quiet sniffling and silence.
Last night, as a last ditch effort, she tried to initiate one last time. I pulled her off and told her "no, our sex life is over. After we split you can go back to Zack and we'll be on our separate ways. Until then, stop trying to fucking initiate with me, you'll just get rejected. Let me sleep." Like the night before, she fell asleep in tears.
This morning, we woke up at almost the exact same time, which is unusual. I wake up quite early, and she sleeps in. Maybe she stayed up all night and waited for me to get up to talk, idk. Anyways, she said that she wanted to come clean to get everything off of her chest. She couldn't live with herself if she kept "leading me on" (whatever that means).
Carly had sex with X. But that isn't it. They switched partners repeatedly over the weekend. So every M-F combination that is possible with Carly, Jenny, Zack, and X, happened. She said Carly was frightened about my brother finding out, so she stabbed Jenny in the back by snitching on Jenny. In other words, Carly wanted to be the plaintiff, and Jenny to be the defendant, since usually the person who reports first is trusted more. When Carly told Jenny what she did (dumb move), Jenny panicked and sent something similar to me about Carly. So, they both cheated on us with two different partners. Zack and X are mutual friends of the both of them, and all of them had been interested in something sexual for a while now. Jenny said she wanted to see what it was like to taste other fish in the sea, and Carly was tired of the same bland life.
I was once again, devastated and angry that she still hadn't told me the truth even after "coming clean" before. An hour ago, I texted my brother asking him if he could swing by my house later today with Carly so we could talk about something. He instead told me to come over to his house tonight with Jenny. Keep in mind, I hadn't even told him about Carly cheating yet, but he already wanted me to bring Jenny along... So maybe Carly came clean to him?
Jenny is nervous about going over there later, she isn't eating much or speaking much.
I received the call logs from Jenny's phone over the past few days. The person she and Carly were talking to outside the hotel wasn't Zack, it was a number I've never seen before(X?). She contacted the Bank once, probably about the frozen joint account or she was trying to drain the account. She also called Carly multiple times during the trip. Her phone is broken now, so she hasn't made any calls in the past day or so. Zack is probably wondering why she hasn't spoken to him recently.
The divorce lawyer and I have a follow up meeting scheduled for Thursday afternoon. We're planning on going through with the divorce. I'll be informing Jenny she'll need to hire a lawyer soon. She probably isn't taking me seriously, but she will when she sees the prenup with the cheating clause highlighted.
It's weird the amount of publicity my situation is receiving (Fox news, Dailymail, radio shows, etc.), it's a constant reminder about how shitty these next few months are going to be and also raises the probability of her finding out about this. I cant go 2 minutes without thinking about the affair. I can't even browse this sub without seeing PI or Jenny and Carly jokes in the comment section of almost every post. Hopefully in time it'll be less painful and more of a funny joke to me. Still hurts thinking about two different guys fucking my soon to be ex-wife, possibly even at the same time.
Thank you all for the support, another update is coming this evening after I speak with my brother and Carly, and maybe another one during the day if something new unfolds.
1 comment = 1 prayer
(3:53pm) 1/20/2015: What the heck I had no idea Brazzers was offering me a free subscription haha. Nice people they are.
(4:45pm) 1/20/2015: Heading to my bro's soon. I posted a comment somewhere jokingly mentioning my favorite movies. Those are not my favorite movies of all time! They don't even crack my top 3!
(5:05pm) 1/20/2015: Leaving in a few minutes, Jenny's getting ready. Should be a shitty next few hours. I'm getting so much support in my inbox it's unbelievable, I can't even read 1/5 of the messages. Thanks everyone.
(5:07pm) 1/20/2015: If it makes some people feel better, I'll try to explain any "inconsistencies" or problems people have with the story when I get back tonight or tomorrow. Update tonight will be about the shitty talk I'm about to have.
(5:10PM) 1/20/2015: Proof will be posted after the divorce case is settled. Official proof to calm down the nonbelievers.
TL;DR: She cheated, Carly got cold feet and didn't cheat Carly also cheated on my brother, I'm getting a divorce, my brother may not be, not sure about my brother.
top 200 commentsshow 500
[–]xTheRustlerx 3885 points3886 points3887 points  (149 children)
I fucking lost it at "meet up for kisses"
[–]QuincyTipsworthy 1559 points1560 points1561 points  (83 children)
Sounds like an Aaron Carter single.
[–]xTheRustlerx 1828 points1829 points1830 points  (75 children)
🎵Yo girl let's meet up for kisses I'll be your tiny dick Zach And you'll be my mistress🎵
[–]suppositoryofwisdom 4447 points4448 points4449 points  (288 children)
Jenny said she played with Zack's penis, and touched it a little.
.......
.....
A 30 year old said this?
[–]JustCosmo 3550 points3551 points3552 points  (96 children)
Yeah but they were just gonna "meet up for some kisses".
[–]rafmataf 2111 points2112 points2113 points  (71 children)
Taco flavoured?
[–]2_Many_Cooks 816 points817 points818 points  (24 children)
Taco flavored keee-sesss
[–]Yaranatzu 268 points269 points270 points  (16 children)
Taco taco, burrito burritooo!
[–]jkroberts13 3719 points3720 points3721 points  (212 children)
This story has it all: penis touching, Starbucks, shirt ruining, hand holding, football, and Zack.
[–]CuntCupcake 2243 points2244 points2245 points  (45 children)
and the cable guy. DONT FORGET THE CABLE GUY!!!
[–]zillie-six 1371 points1372 points1373 points  (50 children)
Also, meeting up for kisses...lest we forget
[–]chynkeyez 1951 points1952 points1953 points  (36 children)
Steffan: this new years, Reddits hottest club is "jennys a lying whore." This place has it all Seth - penis touching, Starbucks, shirt ruining, hand holding, football, a guy named Zack and also meeting up for kisses
Seth meyers: ok Steffan, what is "meeting up for kisses"
Steffan: oooh ok Seth it's that thing of when your loving wife says she's going out of town with a friend but really she's at a seedy hotel getting dicked down by a stranger while her friend watches while holding the hand of a man with no name"
Edit: name spelling and format
Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger! You made my Monday!
[–]x3v 3794 points3795 points3796 points  (67 children)
RIP OP's shirt. The true victim in this story.
[–]Lurk-man 1454 points1455 points1456 points  (27 children)
His beautiful shirt!
Jenny is such a dingaling!
[–]Psych0BoyJack 2534 points2535 points2536 points  (104 children)
I'm just waiting for a guy with the username TinyZack posting "TIFU by fucking a married woman"
[–]CherryBIossoms 1095 points1096 points1097 points  (62 children)
I'm just waiting for a girl with the username XoXoJENNYBBGRL2015oXoX (Because she sounds like she's perpetually about 12 years old) to post "TIFU by cheating on my husband then coming home and telling him I just touched his penis a little bit. He didn't believe me. :( :( :("
[+][deleted]  (57 children)
[deleted]
    [–]Zack_is_Innocent 1405 points1406 points1407 points  (41 children)
    You said you were divorced! That's the only reason I invited you for kisses and wee-wee touching!
    [–]his_penis 1017 points1018 points1019 points  (31 children)
    Wait, you told me she was married
    [–]Zack_is_Innocent 698 points699 points700 points  (23 children)
    Duh, she was married, not is. Or so I thought. Lemon stealing whore.
    [–]gachatz 2171 points2172 points2173 points  (90 children)
    "I'd have a sexy surprise waiting for me for when I got back"
    Hmmm The last sexy surprise wasn't a very good one.
    [–]urmyfavoritecustomer 1028 points1029 points1030 points  (30 children)
    it rhymes with benital berpes
    [–]littlekittyblue 755 points756 points757 points  (22 children)
    I hope the sexy surprise isn't an STD.
    [–]twister1279 2781 points2782 points2783 points  (81 children)
    Send Zack a dick pic in a few months when all of this drama is settled
    Jenny will be with him then, and she will see the photo on his phone, and start the whole drama again with reddit
    Season four incoming
    [–]MrPlumber1313 1055 points1056 points1057 points  (37 children)
    Jenny will not be with him. Zack fucked a married woman because she's guaranteed 0 maintenance. He's gone as soon as he finds out OP knows.
    [–]Kim_Jong_Hungry 3033 points3034 points3035 points  (165 children)
    My girlfriend just went on vacation to visit her "parents", WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME????
    [–]5600k 2144 points2145 points2146 points  (78 children)
    WE NEED LIVE UPDATES
    [–]Crayon-er 3321 points3322 points3323 points  (72 children)
    Update 1
    • I make 400k a year
    • I have a bigger dick than this "Dad" guy, not comparing just saying.
    • I make her cum every time we fuck
    [–]Newshoe 2107 points2108 points2109 points  (51 children)
    Update 2
    • I hired a PI and came to the conclusion Adnan Syed did it
    • Jay is Mr. X
    • Mail-Crimp is the best service
    Update 2.1
    • Thank you to Tappanga for the gold. I've never really watched Boy Meets World, but thank you for spending that sweet, sweet TV money for this.
    [–]shorrrno 201 points202 points203 points  (17 children)
    mail....... kimp?
    [–]blueheeler 1027 points1028 points1029 points  (56 children)
    Is your girlfriend a Jenny or a Carly?
    [–]Incomepants 4212 points4213 points4214 points  (158 children)
    They got to confused so they decided to wing it... Solid plan.
    [–]Alejandro4891 3547 points3548 points3549 points  (42 children)
    just about sums up my college career.
    [–]ofirissmart 1652 points1653 points1654 points  (17 children)
    Doesn't understand material for test
    Fuck it we'll do it live!
    [–]ExileOnMeanStreet 2503 points2504 points2505 points  (48 children)
    When you're cheating on your men and are too lazy to come up with a solid alibi and story.
    #JustGirlyThings
    [–]mydogisarhino 1114 points1115 points1116 points  (28 children)
    When your best friend cheats and you sell each other out but are still close enough to wing the alibi #JustGirlyThings
    [–]the_long_game 177 points178 points179 points  (19 children)
    When your life is a wacky sitcom turned pornographic soap opera.
    [–]mydogisarhino 696 points697 points698 points  (15 children)
    Jenny: "Whoops! Looks like I went and cheated again"
    Whole family: "Jen-ney!"
    Jenny: ¯ \ _ ( ツ ) _ / ¯
    cue laugh track
    [–]bennybrew42 146 points147 points148 points  (11 children)
    I keep reading that like Jenny from Forest Bump.
    [–]MyD_UrSausageToaster 4585 points4586 points4587 points  (459 children)
    Jenny said she touched Zack's penis and played with it a little bit
    [–]servantoffire 4991 points4992 points4993 points  (155 children)
    Jenny said Zack wanted to meet up in the hotel for some kisses
    My favorite part of the story by far.
    [–]wanganui 3911 points3912 points3913 points  (35 children)
    Jenny is Butters' new bottom bitch.
    [–]servantoffire 1532 points1533 points1534 points  (12 children)
    Jenny gets a stormy cloud sticker today for not covering her tracks well enough.
    [–]Pyrit 357 points358 points359 points  (6 children)
    Zack likes getting kisses too. Do you know where Zack likes to get kissed? In a hotel room.
    [–]elliottstanger 302 points303 points304 points  (8 children)
    Do you know what I am saying?
    [–]vitriolic_amalgamati 813 points814 points815 points  (9 children)
    Definitely no tongue either! ok maybe there was just a small short penis touch, just a poke on the tip and that's all, with Jenny's esophagus
    [–]Drawtaru 349 points350 points351 points  (2 children)
    She touched his penis a little bit, with her cervix.
    [–]Mr_Kris 2099 points2100 points2101 points  (96 children)
    Tommy Wiseau everyone
    [–]entropicresonance 893 points894 points895 points  (60 children)
    I did not have sex with him! I did NAHT!
    [–]Mr_Kris 229 points230 points231 points  (24 children)
    Just waiting for the update where someone develops breast cancer
    [–]ep1032 2069 points2070 points2071 points  (97 children)
    And Carly totally backed out and didn't do anything, she just stayed in the same hotel room that we were fucking in, the entire time, for some reason, instead of going home.
    [–]FwriedWrice 917 points918 points919 points  (32 children)
    Seems legit
    /s
    [–]Kublai_Khant 1785 points1786 points1787 points  (30 children)
    Apparently they only talked through the night and held hands. I think they got pretty close to each other one time, but the school dance chaperone nudged them back to a respectable distance.
    [–]Gnuhouse 552 points553 points554 points  (9 children)
    Had to leave room for Jesus
    [–]noahthegreat 114 points115 points116 points  (6 children)
    This is something OP's brother needs to see quick. for serious
    [–]oat_milk 632 points633 points634 points  (8 children)
    in her vagina
    [–]TheMieberlake 115 points116 points117 points  (1 child)
    It's because she couldn't find Zack's tiny penis, she was too used to OP's monster cock
    [–]Gollazio 309 points310 points311 points  (6 children)
    Jenny said she played with Zack's penis, and touched it a little.
    That sounded believable.
    [–]akumagold 3713 points3714 points3715 points  (86 children)
    A video reaction of OP slamming the divorce papers on her would break reddit in its already vulnerable state
    [–]silentknight295 1672 points1673 points1674 points  (44 children)
    SO THIS IS WHY I GOT SERVER TRAFFIC ERRORS EARLIER.
    [–]Dusk_Walker 1119 points1120 points1121 points  (27 children)
    Same here. I thought ny internet was shaky, but nope.
    Reddit's giving reddit the ol' reddit hug of death!
    [–]kyle9128 3759 points3760 points3761 points  (131 children)
    Hardest working OP in this history of reddit.
    [–]excellent-lover 3016 points3017 points3018 points  (89 children)
    The OP that couldn't stop delivering.
    edit: Gold? You are being far far too kind.
    [–]Ikestar 377 points378 points379 points  (7 children)
    is it just me or did the time between seasons two and three feel like forever? I feel centuries older than I did about an hour ago.
    [–]3hee 4040 points4041 points4042 points  (360 children)
    Carly sits on a throne of lies
    [–]CuntCupcake 3122 points3123 points3124 points  (142 children)
    ... And x's dick :(
    [–]Time_Bomb25 4413 points4414 points4415 points x2 (111 children)
    X gonna give it to her.
    [–]Nitrosium 742 points743 points744 points  (20 children)
    knock knock open up the door it's real
    [–]Abovecloudn9ne 309 points310 points311 points  (10 children)
    nonstop, just hope OP doesn't pop pop with stainless steel
    [–]apathetic_lifeguard 156 points157 points158 points  (9 children)
    go hard getting busy wit it
    [–]robbyiballs 921 points922 points923 points  (162 children)
    Is it just me thinking that they've seen this post somehow and realized what you knew and how much they had to confess to?
    [–]aghastamok 1151 points1152 points1153 points  (135 children)
    The phone call outside the hotel room was someone calling to tell them about the post.
    [–]shthappens22 2268 points2269 points2270 points  (103 children)
    My money is on X. Dude is cool with going to a hotel room just to hang out and "hold hands," guy is definitely a redditor.
    [–]Then_Reality_Bites 674 points675 points676 points  (55 children)
    Maybe he even calls himself "X" online.
    [–]SkyUnderMyFeet 2744 points2745 points2746 points  (217 children)
    Jenny is home alone... with the cameras rolling. This might get even more interesting.
    Edit: forgot a letter
    [–]Crushnaut 3483 points3484 points3485 points  (157 children)
    Part Four:
    The next day the PI came over to settle up. I asked him how much he wanted. He said,
    "I need about treefiddy."
    [–]Ikestar 2969 points2970 points2971 points  (100 children)
    there's no way an 8 story tall crustacean from the protozoic era could follow two skanks in a car without them noticing.
    [–]Crushnaut 720 points721 points722 points  (27 children)
    Maybe it was disguised as a girl scout selling cookies...
    [–]Ikestar 1854 points1855 points1856 points x2 (21 children)
    You can't pose as a girl scout and drive a car, the cops will pull you over for underage driving!
    This is quite a canundrum. Wait, I'll fix this!
    [6:44 AM] decided to visit Zack to get his side of the story. He denied fucking Jenny four times as she said he did. I asked him what they did and he did admit to having fucked my wife, but denied it being four times, the pencil-dicked weasel. I asked him how many times she did fuck him, and he said they did try four times, but the fourth time was cut short because his tiny insignificant penis could not get fully erect, ruining their ambitions of sexy time. Basically, the amount of times they had sex, Zack said, was about tree fiddy. It was right round that time that I noticed this barely hung piece of trash was in reality an 8 story tall crustacean from the protozoic era with a comically small penis.
    [–]Smashwa 3285 points3286 points3287 points  (467 children)
    Carly totally fucked X..
    [–]PM_SECRET_NUDES 2907 points2908 points2909 points  (245 children)
    Does that even matter? She wanted to, she made plans to and damn near did it. That would be enough for me to end it.
    [–]LivingUnderSomeRock 318 points319 points320 points  (11 children)
    Guys guys calm down it'll probably be revealed on the next episode.
    [–]ep1032 1044 points1045 points1046 points  (46 children)
    Naw man, she totally backed out. She just stayed in the hotel room and watched... for some reason, the entire time. It wasn't so much cheating as, say, a live porn exhibit with her cheating sister in law.
    [–]Nova_Terra 373 points374 points375 points  (10 children)
    I too like to sit there and hold hands with someone standing idly by while watching another couple getting it on.
    [–]BacterialTempest 580 points581 points582 points  (58 children)
    Definitely! I can't believe he and his brother bought what Carly claimed since she already admitted to spending an entire night alone with X. Of course she would say they just "talked" -- OP, if Carly really had gotten cold feet, she would have left the hotel right away to avoid being complicit in what Jenny was doing and to avoid X. The fact that she stayed there with Jenny and X and was acting like she enjoyed herself implies she was okay with the situation. OP, make sure your brother doesn't take Carly at her word! I think if Carly's texts and phone calls were investigated he would find she was just as guilty.
    [–]whiteandpastry 312 points313 points314 points  (13 children)
    Find that Mr. X guy and tell him that Carly tested positive for an STD, and that he should really get himself tested. See how he reacts.
    [–]you_wont_upvote_me 156 points157 points158 points  (5 children)
    Hello, is this Mr. X? Hi, Mr. X, I'm Dr. Mantis Toboggan, a legitimate doctor. My patient, the dirty, cheating, slut, Carly, has AIDS. I hope Zack gave you a condom for his non-magnum sized dong when you two held hands and watched other dirty, cheating, slut, Jenny enjoying her fuck fest.
    [–]Moustache_Ryder 1752 points1753 points1754 points  (44 children)
    His palms are sweaty,
    Knees week, thoughts of Jenny.
    It's falling out of his pockets already, Mom's spaghetti.
    Heart broken but on the surface he looks calm and ready
    to divorce, but its still quite upsetting
    to now write down - The whole net goes so loud
    He opens his fly and takes his dick out
    Zacks choking how everybodys cheering now
    The dick pick is sending... message sent! Open, wow!

    EDIT: Ayo, thanks for da grip, playa
    [–]Heisencock 202 points203 points204 points  (6 children)
    I love that you kept "Mom's spaghetti in there.
    [–]MaleGoddess 1236 points1237 points1238 points  (40 children)
    Carly cheated too
    [–]Nova_Terra 798 points799 points800 points  (15 children)
    "We were just holding hands while we were watching them get it on'"
    "k, good enough for me, let's go home"
    [–]sc2mashimaro 1309 points1310 points1311 points  (81 children)
    Your brother wants to believe the best, but I would note that Carly lied several times, was complicit in all of this, and was completely ready to follow through with their initial deception.
    "Got cold feet and didn't cheat" or is it more likely that Jenny is taking the fall for both of them? I have a feeling your brother isn't going to like the answer to that question once the truth comes out...
    [–]zachintyre 57 points58 points59 points  (12 children)
    Yeah the brother needs to follow through with his divorce plans. She had a plan and almost completely executed it. She also went along with the deception. Also, for all we know she probably is just getting her ass covered by Jenny. A lot of lies from Carly I assume.
    [–]usharma 2206 points2207 points2208 points  (86 children)
    Plot twist: Zack is the lawyer.
    [–]tommos 1112 points1113 points1114 points  (21 children)
    Plot twist: It was Zack and X having sex and OP's wife likes to watch.
    [–]usharma 482 points483 points484 points  (7 children)
    PI chipped in for a threesome later for the lulz.
    [–]Machr 254 points255 points256 points  (13 children)
    Plot twist. Zack is the PI.
    [–]GoTellSomebody 536 points537 points538 points  (6 children)
    Thank goodness that the Patriots and Colts game is lopsided so I can focus on this life changing 21st century story.
    [–]clit-power 1192 points1193 points1194 points  (18 children)
    I hope I'm not too late. Which one are you?
    [–]nabbank 1684 points1685 points1686 points  (59 children)
    Post 3 makes Post 2 look like Post 1
    [–]sinsinkun 1296 points1297 points1298 points  (39 children)
    I'm a post 2 man myself. I mean, post 3 was ok, but it didn't have the emotional impact of post 2, y'know? I mean, there was so much suspense, and the story kept you guessing, but with part 3, it was all kind of just put out there, y'know? Where's the kick? Where's the dramatic tension? I mean really, post 1 sold the idea, post 2 perfected it, but post 3 is basically a cash in on the previous two successes. Hollywood Reddit is really phoning it in these days.
    [–]3pieceSuit 193 points194 points195 points  (12 children)
    pshha True fans like myself like the prequel from /r/relationships best
    [–]amznfx 1491 points1492 points1493 points  (51 children)
    Fuck.. I will never have a Starbucks coffee without thinking about Jenny the fucking whore
    [–]Anonymouse- 880 points881 points882 points  (20 children)
    Jenny responsible for 17.8% drop in Starbucks shares.
    [–]canacrunch 361 points362 points363 points  (0 children)
    At the closing ceremony for the last Starbucks in the US, former CEO Howard Schultz took the stage to deliver a single message: fuck you Jenny
    [–]Audax2 3353 points3354 points3355 points  (288 children)
    Jenny again, hugged me and sobbed into my chest, ruining my shirt.
    What a bitch.
    [–]david13an 2250 points2251 points2252 points  (191 children)
    She said she had a date planned for us and I'd have a sexy surprise waiting for me for when I got back. She winked at me and said sorry
    Oh hell no
    [–]Audax2 1412 points1413 points1414 points  (146 children)
    She's going to shoot him.
    It'll be on the news, just you wait.
    [–]edragon20 1963 points1964 points1965 points  (99 children)
    The pistol OMG the pistol is still in the bedside drawer!!!!!
    [–]canacrunch 1394 points1395 points1396 points  (66 children)
    Holy fuck I forgot about that, OP please send your brother in first
    EDIT: actually the replies are right, your bro seems chill let Carly clear the house
    [–]edragon20 878 points879 points880 points  (55 children)
    WE NEED TO WARN OP!!!!
    [–]InSigniaX 1114 points1115 points1116 points  (50 children)
    LIGHT THE BEACON!
    [–]Awric 1020 points1021 points1022 points  (35 children)
    THE BEACONS! THE BEACONS OF MINAS TIRITH ARE LIT!! OP CALLS FOR AID.
    [–]VANY11A 274 points275 points276 points  (7 children)
    Where was OP when the Westfold fell?
    [–]DanielEGVi 130 points131 points132 points  (5 children)
    i was selling fish at fish sell store when suddenly phone ring
    'westfold is fell'
    'no'
    [–]Hotteachthrowaway 170 points171 points172 points  (3 children)
    ............................ AND REDDIT WILL ANSWER! MUSTER THE REDHIRIM!
    [–]WaytoTallforThis 99 points100 points101 points  (7 children)
    omg.. thats clearly the ending.. jennys got a gun...
    [–]Mireor 124 points125 points126 points  (11 children)
    Ruined his awesome shirt.
    [–]BunchyRain 1752 points1753 points1754 points  (15 children)
    Haha TLDR.
    As if anyone didn't read it...
    [–]brazzersofficial 1182 points1183 points1184 points  (58 children)
    Hey OP, just to verify that we're serious.
    :)
    [–]ElephantFullOfGlass 204 points205 points206 points  (20 children)
    OMG ITS ACTUALLY BRAZZERS
    [–]brazzersofficial 237 points238 points239 points  (17 children)
    Hi.
    [–]bwukki 430 points431 points432 points  (4 children)
    Do you guys have any new categories? Possibly "meeting up for kisses" or "holding hands and talking while jenny fucks in the bed next to us"?
    [–]Georgeasaurusrex 143 points144 points145 points  (0 children)
    Or maybe even "Touching his penis and playing with it a bit"?
    [–]DBD420 143 points144 points145 points  (1 child)
    Can't you set him up with a pornstar instead?
    [–]glossandfloss 2442 points2443 points2444 points  (170 children)
    Damn. I haven't seen Reddit this captivated by a post since the guy with two dicks.
    [–]combatwombat8D 1181 points1182 points1183 points  (31 children)
    Oh shit... Zack is DoubleDickDude!
    [–]Dre013 521 points522 points523 points  (32 children)
    From MyLifeIsGreatNow
    8:46 1/18/15 The idiot just left to watch football. I'm 75% sure I'm going to get away with this and still fuck Zack. Must get a new phone (aka "naughty girl phone") tomorrow. Carly played his brother like a fiddle...they must have believed in Santa until they were in college. Oh well, time to cyber with Zack.
    [–]iUptvote 214 points215 points216 points  (25 children)
    Seriously, am I the only one worried how easily his brother took Carly back. I find it really hard to believe she sat there holding hands while Jenny fucked Zack. Honestly, who the fuck believes they held hands?
    [–]Seaborgium 3677 points3678 points3679 points x2 (143 children)
    PREVIOUSLY, ON ALL MY GENERAL DAYS OF OUR YOUNG AND RESTLESS REDDIT:
    "My brother is racing to get a couple cameras set up. This will be close."
    "PI is tailing safely from 12 feet away"
    "I'm running programs that are wiping history and data off my phone and computer. This will take a few minutes now that I've hacked into the mainframe."
    "Starbucks"
    "They're here. brb."
    "I have to get out of here"
    AND NOW, THE THRILLING CONCLUSION. WILL JENNY GET HER JUST DESSERTS, OR JUST ANOTHER MOCHACHINNO? WILL OP HIT THE GYM AND DELETE HIS FACEBOOK? IS THE BROTHER GOING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER? IS LESLIE NIELSEN ALIVE AND WORKING AS A PI? WILL REDDIT SERVERS BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE FURY OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO ON A SUNDAY NIGHT ALL SPAMMING F5? THE SEASON FINALE THAT EVERYONE WILL BE TALKING ABOUT FOR ENTIRE HOURS, RIGHT NOW.
    [–]vaporous01 1540 points1541 points1542 points  (61 children)
    You for got to mention the cable guy! I think we can all tell that he's coming back... bigger and stronger than before.
    [–]Seaborgium 1181 points1182 points1183 points  (15 children)
    He was a one-off character, but his popularity with the fans prompted him to be scheduled for contract negotiations next season.
    [–]CaptainDarkstar42 702 points703 points704 points  (27 children)
    Cable guy is X
    [–]BigEth 547 points548 points549 points  (18 children)
    PI is love, PI is life
    [–]Jrodsqod 1193 points1194 points1195 points  (28 children)
    So ummm..... When exactly does Jenny find out that tens of thousands of strangers
    participated LIVE in her marital affair for the
    PAST
    THREE
    DAYS!?
    (I think that reaction is also worth an update hmmm? wink wink, sorrynotsorry Ugh, that part made me sick...)
    edit: In all seriousness, don't go too hard on yourself, OP. Things like this have to be exposed sooner or later. You da real MVP for sticking this out and being so open about it with us. So thank you. :)
    [–]lagspike 981 points982 points983 points  (21 children)
    TL;DR
    these hoes aint loyal
    [–]UWGWFTW 2095 points2096 points2097 points  (38 children)
    This pretty much sums up the internet right now.
    edit: thanks for the gold!
    [–]reddisentevil 270 points271 points272 points  (8 children)
    Screw Jenny. she doesnt deserve Forrest or OP.
    [–]JonasBrosSuck 1274 points1275 points1276 points  (79 children)
    this is what i imagine how carly looks like
    [–]ikoniq93 750 points751 points752 points  (45 children)
    I keep imagining Jenny and Carly as Skyler and Marie from Breaking Bad.
    [–]mostdope28 69 points70 points71 points  (1 child)
    I know it's fake now, because OP didn't make breakfast! He always makes breakfast!
    [–]PlatinumMinatour 4996 points4997 points4998 points  (1212 children)
    Jenny said she played with Zack's penis, and touched it a little.
    Carly and X hung out all night, nothing romantic except for hand holding.
    These sound like the excuses a 12 year old would think a 30 year old would say.
    [–]Sekron 2127 points2128 points2129 points  (28 children)
    Hey!!! Don't make fun of Vincent Adultman! He has to go work at the Business Factory tomorrow!!!
    [–]moloizer 114 points115 points116 points  (0 children)
    Good horsey.
    [+][deleted]  (5 children)
    [deleted]
      [–]jimmer_jimmer 3385 points3386 points3387 points  (126 children)
      So sorry for you man...
      [–]simon_guy[M] 2226 points2227 points2228 points  (67 children)
      Our sub for that period of time:
      EDIT: Updated graph. Daily stats are coming through. http://i.imgur.com/TQ7ygU0.png
      [–]numerikal 300 points301 points302 points  (8 children)
      Comparing the two, I imagine a whole lot of this was going on
      [–]simon_guy 52 points53 points54 points  (4 children)
      Even I did that between my hammering duties.
      [–]OnlyForF1 74 points75 points76 points  (12 children)
      Oh shit, /r/tifu is hardly an obscure sub either.
      [–]simon_guy 158 points159 points160 points  (10 children)
      We were going into panic mode for a bit there.
      Many spammers pretending to be OP were banned.
      [–]Disorientedpossum 990 points991 points992 points  (19 children)
      And in case OP doesn't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight
      [–]sjsharks510 1128 points1129 points1130 points  (72 children)
      Jenny admits fucking little dick Zack AT LEAST four times. In less than 24 hours. But it was the first time it had happened of course.
      [–]ep1032 591 points592 points593 points  (39 children)
      And Carly backed out and didn't do anything, she just stayed in the room the entire time and watched with her male friend, instead of say, going outside or going home.
      [–]Twags500 77 points78 points79 points  (7 children)
      ... And got drunk in a hotel room with some dude she intended to cheat with then didn't
      [–]Fegundo 1405 points1406 points1407 points  (81 children)
      This is more exciting than nfl playoffs. Incredible.
      [–]polysyllabist 671 points672 points673 points  (32 children)
      Seattle just shocked the nation with it's comeback and the Pats and Colts are dueling it out in the lead up to the superbowl, but it's Jenny who's responsible for Reddit's servers exploding right now.
      [–]johnothetree 138 points139 points140 points  (20 children)
      fucking packers didn't do shit the last 7 minutes of the game. so fucking salty.
      [–]BlueFalcon89 449 points450 points451 points  (22 children)
      Because watching the Pats stomp the Colts is like watching the Empire stomp the rebels on Hoth.
      [–]vaporous01 716 points717 points718 points  (24 children)
      There needs to be a subreddit dedicated to live stories like these.
      [–]Edube24 361 points362 points363 points  (19 children)
      I just don't buy Carly's story at all. There is no way they were there that whole time got drunk and just held hands. This isn't middle school, X would have gotten up and left once he knew he wasn't getting it in! I'm in my thirties and love my own bed, no way I just hold hands and lay in a shitty hotel bed when I live a few blocks away!
      [–]fission035 58 points59 points60 points  (3 children)

      So she had a fucking 4-some party and had sex in every fucking kamasutra position and now she is afraid of losing you?

      Wow. Just wow!!
      [–]krazykrazy99 521 points522 points523 points  (38 children)
      /r/tifu and /r/relationships should have like a draft for who gets the fourth and final update, or they should pay you something, like colleges trying to recruit a QB. Its the series finale we're talking about here. You should also decide live like lebron
      Edit:
      The scene is set, cameras are on, the stage is ready: "We from r/relationships take with our first pick for this years entry draft the early contender for story of the year, courtesy of user "MyLifeSuxNow,"-the audience cheering steadily grows to fever pitch- "the final update."
      Commentators going crazy: "it is absolute pandemonium here inside the arena. Of course we expected this, but rumours are circulating that the final update WILL include the previous 3! A huge coup for r/relationships as they secure the most exciting prospect out of this years draft."
      [–]WinterAssassinR 523 points524 points525 points  (26 children)
      It should stay at TIFU, where it blew up. But if I were to have it my way, Reddit should rent out Madison Square Garden and have OP read out loud the final update, with a special guest appearance from PI.
      [–]boner_jamz_69 305 points306 points307 points  (8 children)
      PI speaks from a microphone 100 feet away. We wouldn't see him.
      [–]silvertrace 297 points298 points299 points  (18 children)
      Could the call have been to Nisha? Next time, on Serial.
      [–]Ineedsomeoneplease 3431 points3432 points3433 points  (119 children)
      FIRST LEGENDARY THREAD OF 2015
      [–]PerplexedCow 522 points523 points524 points  (13 children)
      [–]Colby347 149 points150 points151 points  (3 children)
      Zack is gonna snatch that pussy up if you're not careful.
      [–]anotherkeebler 136 points137 points138 points  (5 children)
      She said she had a date planned for us and I'd have a sexy surprise waiting for me for when I got back.
      Uh, no thanks. No matter what it is, it's sloppy seconds.
      [–]The-Enigma-Code 553 points554 points555 points  (11 children)
      2,019 upvotes and gold in 8 minutes. This is far better than any movie I've ever watched.
      [–]iamjackfosho 166 points167 points168 points  (10 children)
      I sure hope you're not a packers fan
      [–]MidnightOcean 969 points970 points971 points  (41 children)
      Don't sleep at home tonight. You don't want any chance of her claiming reconciliation. Stay at your friends or a hotel.
      Also, this will give you an opportunity to hear (via recorders) if she's 100% telling the truth. If she and Zach are exchanging explicit photos, chances are this isn't the first time. Good luck, OP.
      [–]Anal_InThePopemobile 954 points955 points956 points  (19 children)
      His job done, the private investigator opened the door to leave.
      "But wait," called OP, "what about your fee? How much will you charge?"
      The investigator turned around, a twinkle in his eye. "Oh, you know, this has been such fun. I couldn't possibly charge you my full rate. I'll take 'bout tree fiddy." Chortling, he vanished into the sunset.
      [–]itsaworkthrowaway 56 points57 points58 points  (4 children)
      I'm still hoping for a walk the dinosaur ending .
      [–]Atom612 109 points110 points111 points  (2 children)
      (2:32am) 1/19/2015: After deciding to drive around and think about my life for a couple of hours I finally decided it was time to go back home. I'm currently standing outside of my house on my phone. Will provide live updates.
      (2:33am) 1/19/2015: Walking up the driveway
      (2:34am) 1/19/2015: Opening the door
      Get on the floor.
      Everybody walk the dinosaur.
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