This is Google's cache of http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2suuxr/live_updates_tifu_by_reading_my_wifes_text/. It is a snapshot of the page as it appeared on 21 Jan 2015 21:25:09 GMT. The current page could have changed in the meantime. Learn more
Tip: To quickly find your search term on this page, press Ctrl+F or ⌘-F (Mac) and use the find bar.

 
jump to content
my subreddits
more »
want to join? sign in or create an account in seconds|
[-]
use the following search parameters to narrow your results:
subreddit:subreddit
find submissions in "subreddit"
author:username
find submissions by "username"
site:example.com
find submissions from "example.com"
url:text
search for "text" in url
selftext:text
search for "text" in self post contents
self:yes (or self:no)
include (or exclude) self posts
nsfw:yes (or nsfw:no)
include (or exclude) results marked as NSFW
e.g. subreddit:aww site:imgur.com dog
this post was submitted on
5,775 points (96% upvoted)
shortlink:
reset password

r/tifu

unsubscribesubscribe2,261,591 fucked up by subscribing readers
10,127 currently fucking up users here now
Welcome to Today I Fucked Up, a community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Let us make each other feel better about ourselves.

SUBREDDIT RULES

To see more about a rule, simply hover over it. A more thorough explanation of each rule's rationale can be found here.
Rules Description
1. All titles must start with "TIFU". However, your fuck-up doesn't need to be from today. No posting someone else's fuckup, it must be your own.
2. Posts without context will be removed. Tell us the full story.
3. Unoriginal and non-noteworthy posts will be removed. We're not here for mundane content.
4. All intentionally illegal TIFUs will be removed. This includes (but is not limited to) heavy drug use, sexual assault/violence, fraud, and theft. If it was an accident, you're probably in the clear.
5. Be civil. We're here to laugh and have fun. All comments are subject to removal. Personal attacks, trolling, and bigotry will result in bans.
6. No personal info, no advertising, and no brigading. Posting, or seeking, any identifying personal information will result in a ban without a prior warning. This includes for yourself or other people, and refers to, but is not limited to, names, phone numbers, email addresses, facebook or other social media accounts.
7. All NSFW posts must be tagged. If you're not sure if it's NSFW or not, better to be safe than sorry.
8. All posts involving obscene sexual situations, such as, but not limited to, incest, minors, and assault, will be removed. Consensual situations between two, unrelated adults are acceptable.
9. Posts relating to causing the death of someone and suicides will also be removed. These stories are difficult to verify and are sensitive topics. If you or someone you know is suffering from depression and has suicidal thoughts, or if you know someone who has recently taken his or her own life, /r/suicidewatch is a more appropriate place for help.
10. Moderators reserve the right to remove content or restrict users' posting privileges as necessary if it is deemed detrimental to the subreddit or to the experience of others. Posting is a privilege, not a right.
11. All posts centered around defecation and/or sexual content will be removed unless it's the weekend. These grew extremely tiresome and there was great clamor for their removal. So kindly post them on the weekend only.
If you want to post an update to your past /r/tifu post, start off your post with TIFUpdate!

FUCK UP OF THE WEEK

This Week's Winner: GoldenShowerJr

Previous Winners:

Week/Post User
01/18/15 - TIFU by soaking a child in my urine GoldenShowerJr
01/11/15 - TIFU by pulling a prank on my family CuddlySpaceKittens
12/21/14 - TIFU by being a creepy pedophile at a middle school dafunkmasta
12/14/14 - TIFU by going to a fancy carwash and accidentally kidnapping a Mexican dude friedjumboshrimp
12/07/14 – TIFU by giving my roommate my queen sized bed facthungry
Like /r/tifu? Check out some of the modteam's other subs.

TIFU's Subreddit Friends

Moderator Featured Sub
/u/canipaybycheck /r/Pic
/u/the_dinks /r/braveryjerk, /r/doXcallitY, /r/Vaporwave, /r/PornhubComments, /r/killthosewhodisagree
/u/fritzly /r/Pic, /r/Lightbulb, /r/technologyporn, /r/RandomTrueFacts
/u/ghostly175 /r/oldpeoplefacebook, /r/notreallyfamous , /r/pranks, /r/ANormalDayInRussia, /r/indianpeoplefacebook
/u/Quick_man /r/facepalm, /r/WorstOfMSPaint, /r/facebookwins, /r/CasualConversation
/u/pyrowolf8 eh pretty cool guy who doesn't afraid of anything
/u/Motha_Effin_Kitty_Yo Enjoys stealing mod spots in /r/CatsStandingUp
/u/ParalyzedFire /r/GrandTheftAutoV
ANNOUNCEMENT
Please do not forget to check if your submitted post is being displayed in /new because it might be stuck in the spam filter. If it is caught, kindly message us with a link so we can approve it.
Thank you!

Fuck Up Of The Week winner: TIFU by soaking a child in my urine

This subreddit was brought to you by the letter k
created by kinda_alonea community for
No problem. We won't show you that ad again. Why didn't you like it?
Oops! I didn't mean to do this.
5774
5775
5776
submitted by MyLifeSuxNowx4
Mods, if you're gonna delete this update post, please PM and tell me why and where else I could post this. Thx
Live updates:
(2:39pm) 1/18/2015: They're on their way to the hotel again. Don't know what they're up to now. Possibly retrieving their things before coming home.
(2:47pm) 1/18/2015: They've arrived at the hotel. Instead of normally walking in, they clearly were in a hurry and lightly jogged/speed walked inside. Either they just wanted to walk faster, or they know somethings up. Jenny is talking on her cell phone standing outside the door of the hotel and Carly is waiting for her inside the lobby. Jenny isn't calling me or my brother, so I don't know who she's talking to.
Already at the top of the TIFU front page wtf
(2:52pm) 1/18/2015: Jenny is still talking on the phone, Carly has joined her outside and they are taking turns talking. My brother is racing to get a couple cameras set up. This will be close.
(2:54pm) 1/18/2015: Friends called and asked if I'm still gonna join them to watch Football in a few hours, not sure if I should decline or continue. I'll think it over.
(3:00PM) 1/18/2015: They got their bags and it looks like they checked out of the hotel. They're in the car now getting ready to pull out. PI is getting ready to tail them if they drive off. To everyone asking how Carly texts, she has a replacement phone (Warranty).
(3:02pm) 1/18/2015: Bank came through and as requested yesterday afternoon, joint bank account is frozen. I will be notified about any withdraws from my personal account (in case info was stolen) for the next 2 weeks.
(3:07pm) 1/18/2015: I guess they love talking in coffee shops and in cars, because they're still in the car talking. I don't know who they were speaking to on the phone. I have the Seahawks-Packers game on TV to my left with brother watching, surveillance up on my right computer monitor and this post up on my left monitor, and checking phone for written updates from PI. This is getting hectic.
(3:15pm) 1/18/2015: They've pulled out of the hotel, isn't clear where they're going, PI is tailing. Brother is trying to hide the recorders.
(3:20pm) 1/18/2015: We only have two recorders in the house, we'll need to run out and get one or two more. If Jenny and Carly drive home, we won't have time. They are driving towards a familiar area, it includes a grocery store, a few buildings, and the gym I go to.
(3:23pm) 1/18/2015: It's too risky to go out for more recorders, looks like we'll just stay with the two that we have. They're getting closer to the gym/grocery store area.
(5:44pm) 1/18/2015: Shit is going down. I can't type for more than a minute right now. Nobody has gotten hurt or anything, just a lot of shit. I'll update when I get the chance, maybe at my buddy's place. I'm probably getting out of here to watch the game. This isn't a pleasant place to be :( I'm trying to get through this. Tears were shed, anger, grief, yelling, my goodness. Nothing physical at all.
(3:27pm) 1/18/2015: They've left the grocery/gym area, they could be heading home. They're 20 minutes away, just in case they come here, what should we say?
(3:32pm) 1/18/2015: They're on a route that leads here. I was prepared for this. I'm running programs that are wiping history and data off my phone and computer. This will take a few minutes. My brother and I are just acting like nothing is up and we're watching the game before going to hang with some friends in a few hours.
(3:39pm) 1/18/2015: They're definitely on their way here. Recorders are hidden, devices are being wiped, stories are being prepared. This is gonna be a shitty next few hours for me, but you guys will probably enjoy the update after we talk.
God I hope this goes smoothly.
(3:46pm) 1/18/2015: They're pulling up to the house, they're almost on the street. ~2 minutes away. Any replies to comments will be made through my phone, can't update posts through mobile. I'll update you guys after everything goes down, it'll be a while. Bracing myself.
Damnnit they were supposed to come home at night when I was gone. They're here. brb.
(5:49) 1/18/2015: Shit is going down. Nothing physical though. I can't type for more than a minute or two, but it isn't great. Yelling, anger, sadness, crying, a ton of crying, pleading, explaining, contradicting. This isn't a great place to be right now. I'll update when I'm at my buddy's house, it'll be a while. Sorry I couldn't update sooner. Nobody is hurt at all. You guys are having a great time reading I bet, this is the worst time of my life :(
(5:51) 1/18/2015: Jenny is using the bathroom. I'll quickly say the next update that I post at my friends house will be lengthy. And not very good. It went more or less as I expected. The lies I've been told in the past 2 hours, the lies.
I have to get out of here, it isn't pleasant.
A huge part of my life is falling apart around me. I'll find a way to cope, I'm not a bitch, I can get through this. So can my brother. I'll update as soon as I can.
top 200 commentsshow 500
[–]M0o0se 3146 points3147 points3148 points  (151 children)
HEY OP I made you a movie poster real quick! Hope my shitty photoshop makes you smile :)
 
EDIT: Holy shit, thank you thank you to /u/Spineless_McGee and /u/yopeee for the gold! You're the fuckin best, thank you so much!
EDIT 2: Check out these awesome movie trailer voiceovers based on this poster! This one courtesy of /u/FrostDeGnome, and also this one from /u/MrAmateurVoice ! You can also watch a trailer created by /u/TheMightyEmmo by clicking here!
EDIT 3 |1/21/15|: I MADE A NEW ONE! Quality on this is better than the first. Definitely good enough for phone backgrounds or just...looking at idk. People who PMed me about printing/selling actual posters, you can download the big poster version here :
Well fuck me, I've just been reminded that I forgot "meeting up for some kisses." As such, a 3rd poster focused on movie reviews and exceptional quotes is in the works. This post is still read-only, so PM me your comments/ movie reviews and if I laugh I'll put you on there :)
[–]sportsandwine 256 points257 points258 points  (8 children)
little dick zack bahaha
[–]CarlTheMagician 227 points228 points229 points  (6 children)
Not as good as morally ambiguous Carly, spot on with that one.
[–]almosthumanrobot 112 points113 points114 points  (13 children)
This is gold
[–]Pointwest418 2084 points2085 points2086 points  (36 children)
Man, how hilarious would it be if the PI continues to tail Jenny while she is in OP's house and keeps providing him updates.
"OP, she's trying to cuddle with you in the bedroom. Updates on the way"
[–]squat251 200 points201 points202 points  (14 children)
Aaand this is why I couldn't be a PI.
[–]Pointwest418 95 points96 points97 points  (13 children)
He follows her into OP's house with the video camera. Hides behind doors, in closets, behind plants, under beds, etc while still sending updates to OP while in the same room as him
[–]squat251 66 points67 points68 points  (1 child)
And the whole thing gets ruined when he sneezes from behind those drapes they never clean.
[–]ss33o23 27 points28 points29 points  (4 children)
That sounds like something that would happen in Arrested Development.
[–]PrayForMojoo 4067 points4068 points4069 points  (381 children)
"brb"
Cliffhanger of the fucking year
[–]Ar72 2901 points2902 points2903 points  (124 children)
This is worse than when Hank found the book
[–]traderjos[🍰] 513 points514 points515 points  (56 children)
Oh god that's such a good example, hated that cut!
[–]maffyUK 324 points325 points326 points  (39 children)
If you've not seen Breaking Bad, do not read on. This comment is likely the last bastion of non-spoilerhood in this chain.
[–]ThatIsMySpecialTea 97 points98 points99 points  (6 children)
Oh my God, my mind blanked so bad that until I saw your comment I was picturing Hank from King of the Hill, I was so confused. I've seen all of Breaking Bad and it didn't even cross my mind.
[–]Crazy_Potatos 711 points712 points713 points  (66 children)
i swear if we don't get an update and we are left with fucking "brb"
[–]KappaMcPussy 700 points701 points702 points  (46 children)
he died of heart attack
he was a good op
last words: brb
[–]Tobotron 417 points418 points419 points  (8 children)
yeah like i can see the next post being "well I'm finally back its been a crazy year"
[–]1-900-OKFACE 303 points304 points305 points  (4 children)
"While I was running cables for the hidden security cameras, I stumbled across a locked safe behind my pantry! Here's a photo of it! How the hell am I going to get into this thing? brb."
[–]jk147 108 points109 points110 points  (12 children)
This better not turn into another safe story.
[–]BEGA500 218 points219 points220 points  (17 children)
It could end in everything from physical violence to bland boring breakup conversation. I'm on the edge of my seat. There could be a mildly incestuous hateful gangbang happening. So exciting.
[–]ccatthherrinne 33 points34 points35 points  (3 children)
This was all just a marketing scheme for a porno
[–]GetSame 121 points122 points123 points  (16 children)
The fact that more than 7000 people are watching this thread makes me euphoric.
[–]Seaborgium 2434 points2435 points2436 points  (51 children)
WILL JENNY BE EXPOSED? WAS IT ACTUALLY JENNY AND CARLY'S SECRET EVIL TWIN SISTERS THAT OP HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ALL ALONG? WILL JENNY GET THE CARAMEL ICED MOCHA LATTE OR A FRAPPECHINNO ON HER NEXT VISIT TO STARBUCKS? WILL THE PI BE WATCHING FROM EXTREME DISTANCES OF 50 FEET OR INCREDIBLE DISTANCES OF 100 FEET AWAY?
TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO... ALL MY GENERAL DAYS OF OUR YOUNG AND RESTLESS REDDIT.
[–]WinterAssassinR 712 points713 points714 points  (12 children)
SAME REDDIT TIME. SAME REDDIT CHANNEL.
[–]ReturnedAndReported 41 points42 points43 points  (6 children)
After these messages......We'll be right back!
[–]themodestninja 67 points68 points69 points  (3 children)
It's like reading comments is the commercial break between OP's updates.
[–]n1n3b0y 2636 points2637 points2638 points  (180 children)
CAN'T WAIT FOR SEASON TWO TO START
[–]mcgingery 1198 points1199 points1200 points  (157 children)
Ended on a cliffhanger! Are you Team Carly, Team OP, or Team X?!?!
[–]MDK6778 2293 points2294 points2295 points  (110 children)
Team PI!
Edit: Woowww gold! Thanks so much!!
[–]mcgingery 1085 points1086 points1087 points  (71 children)
Seriously, this guy must be Batman. So many gadgets
[–]Meatslinger 442 points443 points444 points  (30 children)
I'm picturing a slightly more technologically-inclined version of Mike from Breaking Bad. Extremely calm and determined, and subtle in a way that makes him undetectable.
[–]forwhombagels 49 points50 points51 points  (4 children)
Me too, and every time he is giving OP advice he starts off with "listen"
[–]joshawwa 508 points509 points510 points  (24 children)
He's the hero OP needs, and the one Jenny deserves.
[–]xisytenin 532 points533 points534 points  (20 children)
Really? I think she's had enough dicks for a while.
[–]J_Pinehurst 137 points138 points139 points  (8 children)
Because dick is a term for Private Investigator, I get it.
[–]Noocracy_Now 339 points340 points341 points  (9 children)
Gotta go with team PI2. That guy stuck in there for the night shift. An unsung hero.
[–]n1n3b0y 56 points57 points58 points  (3 children)
Ah, the unsung hero.
[–]Cyprinodon_Martius 329 points330 points331 points  (19 children)
Team Cable Guy!
[–]resonantSoul 186 points187 points188 points  (12 children)
That's my deepest hope if there's a sudden twist. Somehow it all comes back to the cable guy offering very reasonable rates.
[–]TheBlueSpectrum 2729 points2730 points2731 points  (97 children)
If this story is real, I admire your dedication to finding out the truth and facing a difficult situation.
If this story is fake, I admire your dedication to creating a fascinating gold-digging and karma-whoring story.
Props to you.
[–]LiamNissan 998 points999 points1000 points  (75 children)
Considering that he is only making textposts he's only making comment karma and getting gold. Though I don't know the importance of link karma over comment karma and much rather prefer getting gilded...
I don't know what I wanted to say with this comment.
Edit: The irony is not lost on me that this is my most upvoted and gilded comment...
[–]ss33o23 812 points813 points814 points  (53 children)
There's no importance to either comment nor link karma. They're both pointless.
[–]onigw2 45 points46 points47 points  (7 children)
Just wait till you can buy prostitutes from /r/gonewild at 1k karma for an hour.
[–]Calypsom 569 points570 points571 points  (24 children)
Just so you know, your brother is going to lose his shit when they arrive.
And I don't blame him.
[–]Kindrance 3749 points3750 points3751 points  (181 children)
I swear to god, if I come home from work tonight and see this ended in a tree fiddy I will get "tree fiddy" tattooed on my ass.
Edit: On break at work and came to see a full inbox...seriously reddit you had to upvote this?
[–]Firemeter 1397 points1398 points1399 points  (70 children)
tagged
[+][deleted]  (60 children)
[deleted]
    [–]BWalker66 1414 points1415 points1416 points  (45 children)
    I also have a PI following /u/Kindrance to gather more evidence that he did in fact say that.
    (4:52pm) 1/18/2015: PI told me he went in to a public toilet 5 mins ago, we're waiting for him to come out, should be any moment now.
    (5:02pm) 1/18/2015: Been 15 mins now, still hasn't left the stall. Wth Kindrance??
    (5:22pm) 1/18/2015: Sorry for the slow update, nothing interesting has happened, we've just been watching the toilet stall door, there's feet movement but thats all we an see atm.
    (5:24pm) 1/18/2015: Woah spoke too soon, he is out! We're back to following him, the PI had to drop back another 100ft though, says there's a pretty bad smell coming from his direction.
    (5:28pm) 1/18/2015: So apparently people are calling this fake but it's not, why would i bother making this up? This is already messing up my life so i'm not gonna waste my time with the people calling me a fake.
    (5:38pm) 1/18/2015: Well shit, literally.
    (5:42pm) 1/18/2015: Sorry for the abrupt previous update, but that was previously it. My PI zoomed in a little too far on his Hubble like camera on Kindrances pants and that was the update he gave me.
    Wish i wasn't alone right now, i'm not coping well.
    (5:48pm) 1/18/2015: Kinderance is still on the move, walking down some residential street now.
    (5:50pm) 1/18/2015: Apparently he just went into a house in my neighborhood. Wth? What shall i do guys? PM me if you feel like your comment is being hidden in the 10s of replies.
    (5:55pm) 1/18/2015: The PI says he is still in the house. He did some research and it turns out that it isn't even Kinderances house... Hmm.
    (6:00pm) 1/18/2015: Guys, i heard heard my downstairs bathroom toilet flush... i'm supposed to be alone...
    I have a to go bag in case of emergencies and a pistol in the nightstand so i should be safe.
    (6:10pm) 1/18/2015: I'm scared. The PI just done more research and the house that Kinderance went in to? It's mine..it's mine. I'm hiding in my locked room atm. I should have pieced this together, i was supposed to be alone in the house, Kinderance was in a house other than his own, and i heard the toilet flush downstairs, it seemed like it struggled to fully flush properly too, of course it had to be Kinderance... If only i figured this out sooner i would have been able to sneak out but i can hear him outside now.
    Wish me luck.
    brb
    [–]Noiralef 48 points49 points50 points  (0 children)
    1 hour, 230k upvotes, 13 comments...
    In his head he's being sneaky, but thousands of people are following along at home.
    What a time to be alive.
    [–]digital_end 1923 points1924 points1925 points  (87 children)
    (3:46pm) 1/18/2015: They're pulling up to the house, they're almost on the street. ~2 minutes away. Any replies to comments will be made through my phone, can't update posts through mobile. I'll update you guys after everything goes down, it'll be a while. Bracing myself.
    Folks, you paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the edge!
    this page is temporarily in read-only mode due to heavy traffic.
    And we broke it.
    ......
    He's trying to update right now, but the thread is locked.
    Edit: OP has made a new thread due to the lock on this one.
    [–]Earl_G 265 points266 points267 points  (18 children)
    SUNDAY!SUNDAY!SUNDAY!
    [–]RyCohSuave 81 points82 points83 points  (6 children)
    MAAAAAWWWWNSTER TRUCKS
    KIDS SEATS JUST FIVE BUCKS
    [–]PastorFather 644 points645 points646 points  (14 children)
    Fuck homework and studying. OP needs us in this time
    [–]StrawDog9 163 points164 points165 points  (5 children)
    I think Reddit needs OP.
    While everyone is here, the front page is going to be filled with /r/athesism and rage comics.
    [–]NateGrey 3459 points3460 points3461 points  (474 children)
    I am ignoring a real movie for this. I hope the sequel is as good as the original.
    [–]RustySheriffBadger 1282 points1283 points1284 points  (318 children)
    I'm waiting for the M. Night Shyamalan twist.
    [–]Appleseye 1998 points1999 points2000 points  (211 children)
    I'm waiting for a really elaborate tree fitty
    [–]Bana_ 1120 points1121 points1122 points  (90 children)
    I wouldn't even be mad if this happens.
    [–]DenebVegaAltair 426 points427 points428 points  (78 children)
    This is as suspenseful as the safe.
    [–]EventTrigger 397 points398 points399 points  (63 children)
    Remember, if Jenny shoots her husband, OP cannot deliver. Be safe, OP!
    [–]Nerdtendo 529 points530 points531 points  (37 children)
    (9:35 PM) 1/18/2015: Just shot in the face. My brains are everywhere! This is gonna be hell for someone to clean up.
    [–]wouldnopeagain 398 points399 points400 points  (21 children)
    (9:40 PM) 1/18/2015: My wife and Zack are now having sex on top of my dead body. Man, this sucks
    [–]Gibslayer 350 points351 points352 points  (14 children)
    (10:00 PM) 1/18/2015: Turns out they are vampires who are into necrophilia. They are fucking my cold dead body and drinking my blood. My brother is still setting up cameras.
    [–]derpydoodaa 127 points128 points129 points  (7 children)
    (10:05 PM) 1/18/2015: Zach just gave Jenny a glass of white wine, they are discussing anal sex.
    [–]DogeSaint-Germain 188 points189 points190 points  (5 children)
    OP, could you ask your brother to update us in case you die?
    [–]Zharghar 214 points215 points216 points  (34 children)
    Total cost for the PI or the divorce lawyer is what I'm hoping.
    [–]rockyrikoko 234 points235 points236 points  (6 children)
    Seeing the look on that bitches face when all this evidence is rolled out in court... Priceless
    [–]Smeckledorf 92 points93 points94 points  (16 children)
    With the infidelity clause, I am sure it's worth.
    [–]Galebaby 195 points196 points197 points  (8 children)
    When he goes to divorce court all the wife is going to ask for in the separation is "about tree fitty".
    But seriously. I've been monitoring these posts like crazy. Schadenfreude?
    [–]PowerOfTheChords 139 points140 points141 points  (1 child)
    Now it's about that time when I realized my wife was actually 8 stories high and had fins instead of hands, I was married to the god damn Loch Ness monsta!
    [–]imgurceo 81 points82 points83 points  (32 children)
    I would never believe anything on the internet again.
    [–]woodford86 175 points176 points177 points  (14 children)
    This would be the most epic greentext/rickroll/etc of all time if that happened
    [–]jrad151 142 points143 points144 points  (10 children)
    Zack shows up to his house and asks for about 3.50
    [–]BurningPalm 127 points128 points129 points  (1 child)
    OP and Jenny are the same person, Zack is a shape shifting lizard from the future and the P.I is M. Night Shyamalan in one of his cameo roles.
    [–]makeybussines 198 points199 points200 points  (11 children)
    My sandwich is cold and my cola stale. I smell like shit, haven't done laundry and will not get out of the house today.
    We all sacrificed for this.
    [–]wurz81 129 points130 points131 points  (24 children)
    I should be sleeping. I gotta go to work in 4 hours.
    [–]swarmed100 144 points145 points146 points  (21 children)
    I'm having exams and instead of studying I'm watching this thread.
    [–]Carapassa 56 points57 points58 points  (11 children)
    I'm on the same boat and, to be honest, I always find something incredibly distracting and/or addicting while I'm supposed to be studying for exams.
    [–]shitsack 624 points625 points626 points  (20 children)
    ITS BEEN 32 MINUTES OMG SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD 4 LIVES ARE FALLING APART AND I HAVE TO WAIT TO READ ABOUT IT FUCK
    edit: 2 HOURS LATER AND NO UPDATE?! WTF IS GOING ON IS OP ALIVE? edit2: REJOICE! OP has delivered.
    [–]Windows95Guru 248 points249 points250 points  (11 children)
    That's what's so crazy about this. Some guy and his brother are having their lives brought down around them and I'm sitting here taking a shit waiting for the next update. What a time to be alive
    [–]digital_end 4306 points4307 points4308 points  (591 children)
    1 hour, 4292k upvotes, 2112 comments...
    In their heads they're being sneaky, but thousands of people are following along at home.
    What a time to be alive.
    Edit: This page is locked due to traffic.
    OP has made a new thread.
    [–]fluter_ 2851 points2852 points2853 points  (366 children)
    It was #2 on front page 7 minutes after the upload. I am at the point where I don't even care anymore if it's fake or not
    [–]thebestisyetocome 2319 points2320 points2321 points x10 (68 children)
    Fake or not, we will all tell our kids of this one day.
    Daughter: "Dad, you actually remember when Jenny cheated with Zach? Like, you actually heard about it as it was happening?"
    Me: "I sure was. I was sitting on the rocking chair with you asleep in my lap. You were only about 8 months old then."
    Daughter: "Wow.... You are basically famous dad."
    Me: "I know sweetie, I know. I even got close to thirty comment karma during the whole ordeal. I'm pretty sure people know my username even."
    Daughter: faints
    extra edit
    Daughter: wakes up I didn't have time to ask before I fainted. But did anyone ever gild you because of your hilarious and insightful comments?
    Me: You know.... I don't really remember that far back......
    edit
    Me: You know what, I remember now! I did get gilded!! Now go to a friends house so your mom and I can celebrate my 10 year gilding anniversary.... ;)
    Daughter: Ew, dad.... I'm completely grossed out.
    Me: Nice to meet you, completely grossed out, I'm dad!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahhaha
    story continued
    Wife: Hey, I hear we are celebrating that one time 10 years ago that you got gilded over TEN times for one comment.
    Reddit: FUCK YOU!
    continued story
    Me: That's correct! I still can't get over that day. I always told myself that if I were to get gold, i would never be that annoying guy and thank everyone for the gold
    Wife: Yeah those people are annoying. What kinds of things do they say again?
    Me: Stuff like, "Thank you so much for the gold. Seriously, you guys are so awesome and I'm having so much fun here." Stupid shit like that ya know?
    Wife: Yeah, I'm glad you never said stuff like that.
    Me: So are you ready to celebrate??
    Wife: Well... I would, but I have a girls weekend with my sister. Thanks for the breakfast! See you in a few days!
    It-- It worked....
    [–]Halo_Goodbye 51 points52 points53 points  (4 children)
    I will tell my kids about you and your comment too.
    Edit: I was going to make a little scenario about it, but instead I just wanna tell you that your username autocorrected to testosterone. Enjoy.
    [–]Exposedo 2881 points2882 points2883 points  (256 children)
    I expect an amazing reveal by OP at this point. I'm just too invested now, I skipped leg day just for this.
    Edit: Waiting for reveal, not relieve.
    Edit 2: HOW DARE SOME OF YOU INFER THAT I WOULD HAVE SKIPPED LEG DAY ANYWAY! LEG DAY IS LOVE, LEG DAY IS LIFE. BUT DAMN IT, AN OP LIKE THIS ONLY COMES ONCE IN A LIFETIME!
    Edit 3: One of my Top post contains proof that I skipped leg day. How can I even look my bros in their eyes now? Brodin will never forgive me...
    Edit 4: I JUST GOT GOLD FOR SKIPPING LEG DAY!? HOW DO I GIVE IT BACK? THE IRON GOD WILL NEVER BLESS MY GAINS NOW!!
    Edit 5: I can't live without the blessing of Brodin. I will now travel to his shrine and beg forgiveness. Brb.
    [–]jdepps113 852 points853 points854 points  (19 children)
    Jenny and Carly walk up the front walkway.
    Climb stairs to porch.
    At door now, fumbling for key...
    Key in lock, doorknob turning!
    Open the door
    Get on the floor
    Everybody walk the Dinosaur.
    [–]ToastofDeath 1995 points1996 points1997 points  (109 children)
    ME TOO I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 50 minutes
    Also what the fuck is that shiny gold thing on my post?
    Jesus fuck these upvotes are ridiculous
    [–]DickButt420yoloswag 681 points682 points683 points  (46 children)
    Don't worry about those 50 minutes of lost sleep my lad. I guarantee the reveal of dickbutt or tree fiddy will be worth it. We are currently in a legendary thread and IT'S ONLY THREE WEEKS INTO 2015 BABY!
    [–]DuhTrutho 164 points165 points166 points  (4 children)
    Legendary username spotted.
    [–]King_Allant 137 points138 points139 points  (6 children)
    (5:09pm) 1/18/2015: Jenny burst through the loched door, making a ness in the process. Suddenly, I saw her in a new light. After what she had done, the woman I had previously loved was gone. In her place, there was only a monster. She looked me straight in the eyes, held out her hand and said:
    "I need about tree fiddy."
    [–]_171_ 384 points385 points386 points  (50 children)
    It's crazy how involved we can get in a random persons secret life
    [–]noc-a-homer 2727 points2728 points2729 points  (80 children)
    It's not too late to send Zach a dick pic!
    [–]beatauburn7 841 points842 points843 points  (6 children)
    OP pls
    [–]BEGA500 658 points659 points660 points  (18 children)
    Establish Dominance.
    [–]ILostMyKids 263 points264 points265 points  (17 children)
    Its never to late to send dick pics, just ask all of my exes.
    [–]Velast 381 points382 points383 points  (7 children)
    I'm not one of your exes, man.
    Please... Please stop.
    [–]M4nifesto 411 points412 points413 points  (44 children)
    I feel like everyone on Reddit is here
    [–]Lowky2012 577 points578 points579 points  (24 children)
    Since she offered to watch a movie and also said "your pick" you should play the video of her making out with dickface Zack tonight.
    [–]Ancients 1440 points1441 points1442 points  (33 children)
    Just saw this thread. MFW: https://i.imgur.com/phrl12s.gif
    [–]QuinineDjinn 2434 points2435 points2436 points  (93 children)
    Dude, listen, you and your brother should go to your friend's house to watch football and not be there when they get home. For two reasons: one, they won't think anything is up, and two, they might talk about things they wouldn't talk about around you two, not knowing that there are recording devices.
    Edit Poop, too late. At least the Packers are winning.
    Edit2 Why you gotta do this to me, Pack :(
    Well, OP, one of two things is happening right now: You're either so happy that the Seahawks are going to the Superbowl that you don't care about your life falling apart, or you're so sad that the sadness dwarfs the sadness of your life falling apart.
    [–]CCBaxter79 458 points459 points460 points  (12 children)
    That's solid advice, OP.
    [–]Captain_Cthulhu 353 points354 points355 points  (21 children)
    Let's send zach glitter bombs
    [–]Fearismyweapon 941 points942 points943 points  (109 children)
    I'm still here with you buddy!
    [–]couchst 293 points294 points295 points  (8 children)
    Clearly this will end by him finding a safe at Zach's house but not telling us what's inside.
    [–]swarmed100 61 points62 points63 points  (2 children)
    We're not talking about that anymore.
    Nothing to see here people, refresh to see if there's a new update!
    [–]cjaddy 322 points323 points324 points  (26 children)
    based on how rapidly the points and post are coming in thousand of people are still watching this opera unfold. Sorry for the bad times but thank you for the sharing it's been gripping and exciting real or not its a great story.
    [–]jrad151 269 points270 points271 points  (20 children)
    Fake or real its still entertaining as shit
    [–]Ewannnn 166 points167 points168 points  (6 children)
    This shit is like daytime TV without the ads
    [–]ineedabout 260 points261 points262 points  (6 children)
    well it was about that time that I noticed this "Jenny" was about eight stories tall and was crustacean from the paleozoic era.
    [–]xxglowxx 604 points605 points606 points  (33 children)
    Was hitting refresh on my phone too much...battery died. Used wife's phone and just found out she's cheating on me.
    [–]Took-the-Blue-Pill 34 points35 points36 points  (1 child)
    Updates pls
    [–]xxglowxx 68 points69 points70 points  (0 children)
    "Brb".
    [–]Cyprinodon_Martius 571 points572 points573 points  (24 children)
    Grabs popcorn
    Sorry for my lack of empathy, but this is pretty gripping stuff.
    [–]Salsadips 106 points107 points108 points  (14 children)
    I don't think ive ever seen a post get this many upvotes in such short space of time. 700 in less than 10 minutes, wtf.
    [–]phroug2 81 points82 points83 points  (8 children)
    OP may be losing a wife, but at least he'll be gaining some sweet sweet karma
    [–]Beelzy69 1451 points1452 points1453 points  (100 children)
    incoming tree fiddy
    [–]Tress33 755 points756 points757 points  (46 children)
    I honestly wouldn't even be mad.
    [–]smawwww 270 points271 points272 points  (6 children)
    that would be fucking legend mate
    [–]xSkiLLzo 101 points102 points103 points  (2 children)
    I wouldn't be able to handle a tree fiddy right now.
    [–]textrant 113 points114 points115 points  (8 children)
    His wife is clearly the Loch Ness Monster
    [–]BolognaPwny 86 points87 points88 points  (3 children)
    She's definitely a monster, just not sure if she's a giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era.
    [–]RagingRuby 509 points510 points511 points  (14 children)
    CNN should be covering this shit
    [–]populista 366 points367 points368 points  (5 children)
    Wolf Blitzer: "We interrupt our continuous coverage for the search of MH370..."
    [–]thugeee 164 points165 points166 points  (9 children)
    This is the first time TIFU is happening in Real Time. I can't do this, give me all the seasons or dont give me anything.
    [–]Gibslayer 341 points342 points343 points  (21 children)
    If this turns out to be the most complex Tree Fiddy joke, I will die.
    [–]mostdope28 731 points732 points733 points  (21 children)
    Thread of the year in the first 3 weeks of 2015
    [–]WaterStoryMark 30 points31 points32 points  (5 children)
    Don't we do this every year? Two dicks guy happened early last year.
    [–]LawlsaurusRex 196 points197 points198 points  (6 children)
    Just caught up on everything. I feel like I finished binge-watching a TV show on Netflix and now I have to wait a week in between episodes. Brutal.
    [–]scoreoneforme 441 points442 points443 points  (21 children)
    Don't say Anything
    Let her dig herself into a deeper hole with more lies.
    If anything, ask simple questions about her night out.
    Simple as, "How was last night?" "Did you girls have fun?"
    Let the lies begin.
    [–]tardmancer 114 points115 points116 points  (10 children)
    Or she'd reply 'yeah, best night ever' and totally kick his heart in the ass.
    [–]badrowbot 182 points183 points184 points  (4 children)
    My daughter wants to go to the park. DAMMIT I CAN'T LEAVE WOMAN!
    [–]WiLiamWith1FuckingL 794 points795 points796 points  (42 children)
    fake or not, this is super entertaining!
    [–]Please-Continue 316 points317 points318 points  (30 children)
    I agree, reddit soap opera
    [–]ExileOnMeanStreet 561 points562 points563 points  (19 children)
    Days of our Neckbeard Lives
    As the Fedora Tips
    General Hospidull
    The Young and the Sexless
    All My 90s Children
    The Colbys 2012
    [–]timewaitsforsome 217 points218 points219 points  (12 children)
    nice you can post football updates as well
    [–]tokeaphatty 163 points164 points165 points  (7 children)
    (3:27pm) 1/18/2015: They've left the grocery/gym area, they could be heading home. They're 20 minutes away, just in case they come here, what should we say?
    ask if they want to go to starbucks. they might be thirsty.
    [–]Richo262 158 points159 points160 points  (19 children)
    Maybe she was on the phone to the bank wondering why she has no access??
    [–]MyLifeSuxNow[S] 171 points172 points173 points  (16 children)
    Yeah, you could be right.
    [–]Amosral 54 points55 points56 points  (0 children)
    Whatever else this woman might have done, she's costing you a fucking fortune in overpriced coffee.
    [–]GenXer1977 19 points20 points21 points  (3 children)
    If she asks about the bank account, here's the easy answer: they suspected fraud because of a charge that they consider to be outside of our normal spending pattern. I take credit cards for things that most banks consider unusual and this happens to my customers probably 70% of the time. The bank normally texts you and advises you that your account has been frozen and to call the fraud department immediately. Tell her you called right away after you got the text (which you have since deleted) and they are closed on Sunday's.
    [–]DocDiggler 156 points157 points158 points  (53 children)
    Anybody else who's been cheated on got that burning sensation in their chest right now reading this?
    [–]PM_ME_YOUR_VVIFE 25 points26 points27 points  (3 children)
    That's called a heart attack.
    [–]DocDiggler 21 points22 points23 points  (2 children)
    OPs wife may as well be cheating on me too.
    [–]noveaupatch 239 points240 points241 points  (13 children)
    Hey OP, for your sake and your brother's sake you both should get STD tested. You didn't provide a timeframe for the cheating so I'm going to assume it's been going on long enough. Who knows if she's had more than one partner, right? Just to be safe, get tested.
    [–]MyLifeSuxNow[S] 2213 points2214 points2215 points  (201 children)
    Wow. Way more people are following this than I thought. Thank you all for the support!
    I WANT TO EDIT THE POST BUT IT'S ON READ ONLY MODE. WHAT DO I DO?? BEEN TRYING TO EDIT FOR A WHILE NOW
    [–]curlycal 1335 points1336 points1337 points  (80 children)
    I feel like we deserve updates on your life now from here on out.
    [–]Schorl 420 points421 points422 points  (51 children)
    I second this motion.
    [–]My_Three_Droogs 263 points264 points265 points  (48 children)
    The motion has been made and seconded. Now we vote.
    [–]Schorl 403 points404 points405 points  (10 children)
    We're on the edge of our seats. This is better than the soaps.
    In all seriousness, though, sorry that this happened to you. I hope you end up happier after everything is said and done.
    [–]elitecloud 97 points98 points99 points  (3 children)
    Here I sit
    All broken hearted
    tried to refresh
    but brb
    [–]nothingofyourconcern 140 points141 points142 points  (16 children)
    Jenny reminds me of my EX......she was a redditor when we were together...
    CLARISSA YOU WHORE!!!!
    [–]OMGFIREsale 446 points447 points448 points  (3 children)
    To the guy who put this on /r/bestof ... you da real mvp.
    [–]EpicGibs 86 points87 points88 points  (4 children)
    Don't take anything less than 10million for the movie rights.
    [–]8ctostoned 111 points112 points113 points  (5 children)
    I feel like I'm watching a big moment in Reddit history unfold. The suspense is real!
    edit: this thread already has 11k comments, it's only 4 hours old holy fuck.
    [–]kamenoko 35 points36 points37 points  (616 children)
    I'm F5ing as hard as I can!
    [–]eric82 189 points190 points191 points  (24 children)
    (3:02pm) 1/18/2015: Bank came through and as requested yesterday afternoon, joint bank account is frozen. I will be notified about any withdraws from my personal account (in case info was stolen) for the next 2 weeks.
    She will find this out real soon if I had to guess. I would think you could buy yourself a day by saying you'll check into why the account is frozen but that's about it. As soon as she finds the frozen account your clock to reveal information starts.
    [–]Tinglenator 72 points73 points74 points  (1 child)
    inb4 tree fiddy update at 3:50
    [–]Dressy_Ent 33 points34 points35 points  (3 children)
    I just read 2~3 days of surveillance to get here and see "brb."... Balls are the deepest shade of blue.
    E: in sorry OP :( this sucks so bad. YOULL GET PAST IT
    [–]IceandFire_3 150 points151 points152 points  (17 children)
    What if he doesn't come back and WE NEVER FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED AND THIS IS JUST SOME FUCKED UP SOCIAL EXPERIMENT?!
    [–]jutct 63 points64 points65 points  (4 children)
    This update (3:46) PM and then the wait is like waiting for season 5 of breaking bad.
    [–]Cha0s_s0ldier 87 points88 points89 points  (6 children)
    As someone who has been in the position you have (albeit with a significant lack of resources to do anything but deal with it on my own) I know exactly the feeling you get when you first get that confirmation. The feeling in your chest. The emotional kick in the balls and the emptiness you feel after... it sucks.
    You have conducted yourself like a goddamned champion so far. Keep your composure. If you and your bro casually do stuff sometimes, or with friends, then GO. Don't sit around and go in circles with yourself trying to think of ways to extract information, or hide what you know. Let the cameras do their work. Act like nothing is wrong. Make sure she knows you "ate a bad burrito" or some other BS so you can decline sex (should she even bother to initiate with her guilty conscience) or excuse yourself whenever you start shaking with rage.
    The rage will help. You haven't even begun to feel it, you're still in shock. Remember not to let it dictate what you do or say, because when it subsides you can't ever get it back like it was and you'll have to deal with the emotions and reality no matter what.
    No matter what she says, this was premeditated, and she went out of her way to hide it. Maintain your honor. Maintain the moral high ground and do not let her know anything until you and your lawyer are prepped and hand her paperwork in the lawyers office with your attorney present. Not at home alone.
    SHE TEXTED HIM WHILE LAYING IN YOUR BED WHILE YOU SLEPT NEXT TO HER (experience here too :/ ). Remember that when she cries and tells you she is sorry.
    [–]buoyak 135 points136 points137 points  (1 child)
    I know exactly what you say when they walk in http://imgur.com/MZ4tXm2
    [–]RobertTheBloke1 61 points62 points63 points  (2 children)
    To me, this is the equivalent of binge watching a TV show
    [–]makeybussines 275 points276 points277 points  (25 children)
    GO WATCH THE GAME AND DON'T COME HOME TILL AFTER SHE'S ASLEEP!
    [–]JennVastra 29 points30 points31 points  (6 children)
    (6:00 AM) 1/19/2015: "Welcome to the morning edition of 7 ABC News. Today's top story is about a sick out sweeping the nation. Early reports indicated it was in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, but in a 7 ABC News exclusive, we've learned that the millions are actually taking off to read the ongoing updates of "Jenny," "Carly," and "Zack" on an underground website called, "Read-It."
    Let's turn to our Cyber Correspondent, Amy reporting live from her computer. Amy?"
    "Thanks, Roger, this is quite the story. It began unfolding on Friday evening, when an Anonymous Reddit user wrote a post on the "Today I Fouled Up" forum on the popular website. He detailed his foul up in reading his wife, Jenny's, text messages and learned of her infidelity with a flat-house dweller named, Zack. Simultaneously bragging about his fortune while lamenting his current misfortune, he painted a compelling picture that struck a nerve with readers. He immediately received hundreds of posts giving support and advice.
    These posts and comments began to snowball when the Original Poster, known only as "OP", started providing live updates about hiring a divorce lawyer, two private investigators and telling his brother, whose wife Carly may or may not have been cheating as well. It is still unclear at this time whether she is an innocent wingwoman or another cheating wife.
    The real-time drama captivated Reddit users throughout the weekend, with more than 20,000 comments posted in a 48-hour period.
    7 ABC News reached out to some of these supportive commenters, but most seemed reluctant to talk, saying only "Fake!" or "Tree Fitty!" We are still researching the deeper meanings to these comments.
    The drama culminated when Jenny returned home at 3:46 pm on Sunday. Since then, OP's posts have been sparse, and millions of readers are waiting impatiently to see if "OP delivers." As a result, businesses across the country have been flooded with sick day requests this morning. 7 ABC News checked with local hospitals and urgent care centers; patient visits this morning are actually the lowest the have been since before flu season began.
    This is a developing situation, Roger, and we'll be monitoring it throughout the day. Back to you."
    "Thanks, Amy. In related news, the White House has indicated they will be postponing The State of the Union Address if this tawdry affair is not resolved by Tuesday evening.
    After the break, is your house killing you?"
    [–]Collide-O-Scope 102 points103 points104 points  (6 children)
    (4:00) 1/18/2015: Jenny walked in, I told her I've got her number...
    8-6-7-5-3-0-9
    [–]whiskeyfritz 319 points320 points321 points  (107 children)
    That's strange. isn't hotel checkout usually around 11 a.m.?
    Edit: who would gild this? Thanks anonymous internet friend!
    [–]KanadianLogik 1084 points1085 points1086 points  (77 children)
    How dare you question the details of the story. This elite, big dicked, hacker that makes 200k+ a year and has sex with his gorgeous wife 4 times a week and gives her multiple orgasms each time would never lie to us and truly needs our support right now.
    *edit Nice, gilded. That's a first, thanks stranger.
    [–]Rocket_hamster 91 points92 points93 points  (14 children)
    you should print out all of zachs nudes and print them on poster paper so they are on the walls when she comes in.
    [–]bsolidgold 129 points130 points131 points  (12 children)
    Hey, so I know this is just a username and stuff... but your life doesn't suck now. It just got infinitely better! It took 8 years to figure it out, but the woman you married doesn't deserve you. Now you are free to go find a woman who does. You're armed with a higher emotional IQ than ever before so you'll be able to sense when something is not right and get out while you can. You're going to end up with the most incredible woman possible for you. When the time is right, of course. Take some time for yourself. Like, seriously... do things that you've always wanted to do. Think of things that you would do when you were a kid and do them! Getting in touch with the kid inside of us can lead to some of the most effective healing possible.
    The world is your oyster.
    [–]rpgwolf 64 points65 points66 points  (3 children)
    (3:47pm) 1/18/2015: Act III begins. Reddit holds its breath.
    [–]Xenidious 82 points83 points84 points  (13 children)
    I have the suspicion that if this story is indeed true, either Zach or the other guy has seen these threads.
    [–]LittleEmmy 117 points118 points119 points  (18 children)
    She's offering up movie night because she feels guilty. Try to limit the cuddling to keep things neutral. Maybe you could feign a headache or other illness?
    [–]Cyae1 148 points149 points150 points  (8 children)
    Narrated your post OP
    [–]nigeljd 144 points145 points146 points  (15 children)
    1. Private Investigator : $2,000
    2. Cameras : $400
    3. Expression on your wife's face : Priceless.
    [–]somedude456 108 points109 points110 points  (2 children)
    OP, if they come home, play stupid. Don't drop any bombs before talking to your lawyer.
    [–]Hater_ 61 points62 points63 points  (9 children)
    I think Russell Wilson is paying more attention to this thread then the football game.
    [–]1ThousandRoads 42 points43 points44 points  (0 children)
    It's 6:30am here in South Korea and I'm awake in the dark on my phone. Can't believe how compelling this is.
    [–]flamingtoastjpn 78 points79 points80 points  (5 children)
    Holy shit, 24,000+ people on the /r/ in the last 15 minutes, jesus OP if this is fake you are going to be a legend
    If this is real, man that totally sucks, at least you have the upper hand at this point
    [–]glennjaturtles 134 points135 points136 points  (9 children)
    I'm baffled as to why I'm so interested in a possibly fake internet story about someone I've never met. Yet here I am, still enthralled. Good luck brotha
    [–]_IAmAdam 55 points56 points57 points  (4 children)
    Can't. Stop. Refreshing. I must know what happens.
    [–]Imthecoolestdudeever 18 points19 points20 points  (2 children)
    I've been sitting on the toilet for so long I can't feel my legs anymore. I guess I'm in this for the long haul.
    [–]atheistcoffee 81 points82 points83 points  (29 children)
    Still no explanation for why they would text and out each other for cheating... and then go together and pick up guys to cheat.
    Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement (updated) and Privacy Policy (updated). © 2015 reddit inc. All rights reserved.
    REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.
    π Rendered by PID 28231 on app-61 at 2015-01-21 21:25:01.740484+00:00 running e8771a1 country code: US.
    0%
     
    10%
     
    20%
     
    30%
     
    40%
     
    50%
     
    60%
     
    70%
     
    80%
     
    90%
     
    100%