Some things you’re meant to forget, others you can’t put behind until you set them right. Today’s post is about the latter.
Back in 2010, I flopped a full-riding scholarship in Japan. And, in a fit of self-righteous vindication, I wrote an essay for a well-known foreign activist website detailing what I assumed, at the time, to be the only reason for my epic flop.
Here’s the thing. The scholarship program wasn’t perfect, but neither was I – a fact that I conveniently overlooked in 2010 and for years after. I was so desperate to put the blame somewhere other than myself that I ended up hating the whole damn country for a few very specific faults. When you’re miserable, all you see –all you want to see – is misery. And I needed people to commiserate with me.
I wrote my essay under a fake name.
Then, I shared the link on my public DeviantART profile under my actual, searchable name.
Looking back, I was an idiot, and not just because of that.
Back then, I also used to blog about life in Japan. As my life deteriorated, I slowly let my disappointment get the better of me. My would-be funny, witty or sarcastic posts – collectively titled Land of Absurd – were transitioning from sarcasm and satire to full-fledged hate. A thing that Sora (空), a Japanese blogger who’d traced me through my DeviantART profile, brought to my attention and blogged about extensively. A thing that Sora’s commenters said repeatedly, pointing out the racism and vitriol that was indisputably there.
A thing that I conveniently chose to overlook and dismiss as trolls and hate even though, as justly pointed out, my blog was the hateful one. I wrote some pretty nasty sh!t. There’s no other way to sugar-coat it. It took me five years to realize it, but there you have it: I was in the wrong. I was wrong to attack a whole country and culture because I felt wronged by some of its elements myself*. I was wrong to focus on the negative and dismiss every good thing that happened between ’07 and ’10. Yes, I was embittered and physically ill at the time, but I was still wrong.
I already wrote to Sora back in 2011, but I felt it necessary to write this in order to a- set things straight (better late than never, right?) and b- get true closure on this whole damn thing. There’s also a few clumsy Japanese words that more or less sums up that whole thing. It can also be read here.
あの当時、あんなにひどいことを書いていたとは、
今の私には、信じられないくらい恥かしいことです。
ちょっと、つらいことや、嫌なことがあったからといって、その国の人々や、国全体について悪く言って、嫌悪するなんて、 民族差別・人種差別 そのものですよねーーー言い訳のしようがありません。
問題を絞って、その賛否についてみなさんと、冷静に、理論的に、議論すればよかった、と後悔しています。
自分の考えは間違っていた、と今では思いますし、悔いています。
2011年は空さんに直接メッセージを送りましたが、今回はブログの読者のみなさんにそのことをお伝えしたくなりまし た。
そして、在日外国人の皆さんーーー外国にいて、周りにネガティブなことが起きても、 ポジティブなことがおきていることも見逃さないでくださ い。
あの当時の私にはネガティブのことばかり目に入って、それを不当に一般化する愚を犯してしまいました。
* Hello, Paris syndrome… well, OK, Japan syndrome, but the principle still applies. As one of my dear friends pointed out back then: If we were to send you to the most beautiful country on Earth, and parachute you over their capital city, in a week you’d be writing about how much it sucks there.
** TBF rather than TBT; I meant to post that one yesterday and didn’t realize I already had another post scheduled. Ups.