I (27/M) am not happy with the "open" part of my open relationship with girlfriend (25/F). Together 2 years, "open" 6ish mo. (self.relationships)
relationships
32 ups - 14 downs = 18 votes
Ok. This is long but I have a lot to get off my chest.
How we met: We met about 2.5 years ago on OkCupid. She lived close, we met up and got on well. After a few months we decided to get together. We were not open at this point. The relationship was great emotionally. She was sweet, attentive, caring and supportive. We also had a lot in common and had fun together, which is what I lacked in previous relationships so I was keen to keep this one and still am.
Becoming open: Around 6-7 months ago give or take, I found myself feeling disconnected from her and the relationship. I was looking at other women quite a bit, and couldn't seem to stop even though I DID feel guilty. I ended up singing up to a sex-themed website (fetlife.com). This is NOT a dating website, I wasn't planning to cheat when I signed up, it's more a social network and I was mainly interested in looking at pictures posted there.
When I was on this website it was like I found what I thought I was missing. Loads of hot girls, who seemed happy to interact with me, mainly. I started commenting on pictures and girls started talking, flirting with me. I knew things were getting inappropriate for the relationship but I couldn't stop. I really wanted to hook up and date again, and experience these other women.
Not meaning offense to my girlfriend, but she's a big girl (had been since I dated her though so I didn't feel it was my place to say anything) and while I enjoyed her body, I can't deny that the draw of all the hotter women on the website who were seemingly interested in me was too much and I was feeling more and more disconnected from my relationship with this gaping hole in my needs not being met. I still loved my girlfriend and she fulfilled me emotionally, but physically my desires were completely elsewhere. Eventually I realised that the best thing for me to do would be to open up the relationship or break up with my girlfriend.
I spoke to her about this and, well, it broke her heart at the time. She was sobbing on me the whole night of me talking to her about it, saying she wanted to be monogamous and she didn't like the thought of an open relationship at all. She asked for a couple of weeks to think about it, which happened, but when we spoke about it again she told me she still didn't want to do it. I had to tell her at this point it was this or break up as I didn't feel fulfilled. At this, she said okay, she would try the open relationship.
So, in short, she agreed to the open relationship even though she hated the idea as she didn't want to break up. She wanted to know how an open relationship worked so I set down a few ground rules and boundaries which we both agreed to. Mainly things like.. sleep with whoever you want whenever you want, but always with protection. Casual dating is allowed as long as the person you're dating knows the situation (since it's hard to sleep with someone without a date first). Our relationship shouldn't suffer and we still need to be there for each other. etc.
My Problem. Less than two months later from this, she's signed up on FetLife too and now 100% enjoying herself. There are men crawling all over her, her profile, her pictures she's put up. I know for a fact that she's been on a heck of a lot of dates, both with people from the website and off it, and I also know she's been intimate with many of them too (I keep seeing comments on her pictures saying vulgar things like 'God I miss my mouth around those beautiful breasts' etc from other men who I know she has been on dates with..)
Me, on the other hand? I've not hooked up with anyone, and only had one date. All the women who seemed to be interested in me turned out to only want to flirt online and only wanted attention, and when I brought up meeting up with any of them I got rejected. The only women who wanted to at all meet me or go out with me I wasn't attracted to. I went out with one local girl from Fetlife just to give it a chance, because my own girlfriend had found so many dates/hookups, but I just couldn't bring myself to be attracted and nothing happened. I havn't been able to find anyone else who wants to sleep with me off the website either. Me and my girlfriend still date and sleep together of course, but besides that I'm completely dry. I don't think this is at all fair on me considering how many dates she's been on and I imagine how many guys she's fucked.
It got worse recently. Just this past Friday night I go out to the late night shop, and on the main road I find my girlfriend standing outside a pub with a guy, holding hands and making out. He was at least 6'4, muscles everywhere you look, arms covered in tattoos (which I know my girlfriend likes). I feel like shit. My girlfriend sees me, immediately breaks away from him and comes over smiling all over her face. She hugs me, kisses me, then the guy comes and introduces himself. It was awkward as fuck honestly, but my girlfriend didn't seem to notice at all. After stupid chitchat I tell them I need to get going, at which my girlfriend tells me she loves me, kisses me and that she will text me the next day as she wanted a date with me the next night. She then says she's going to go into the pub to visit the bathroom, and asked her "date" to wait outside for her and then after they'll "get going" (back to her place I assume..).
So I start to walk away as she goes into the pub to the bathroom, and I hear the guy say "Hey" behind me. I swear he had the biggest shit eating grin all over his fucking face. He said to me "Mate, you're a better guy than I am. If I had a lady like that I wouldn't let anyone else touch her. Lucky for me you guys have this open thing going on". He said it like he was pretending to be friendly, but obviously it was a dig because he could tell I wasn't happy right then. I just nodded and walked off.
My girlfriend rang me Saturday afternoon and I told her what happened and what the guy said, but she swears that he was just being complimentary/polite to me and that he's from FetLife, and knows all about our relationship and my own profile on there which is why he was chatting to me. I told her that I still thought his comment was inappropriate and that I didn't want her dating this guy again, to which she said 'Okay' but she obviously wasn't happy about it. I didn't ask if they had hooked up, because I could already tell they had with how she was all over him. I told her I didn't feel like I wanted to hangout that night. She hasn't contacted me since then.
I feel like utter shit. I'm going to be honest and say I have no idea why a guy like that is interested in my girlfriend and not out with a hot girl. I had no idea my girlfriend would get this much attention and it makes me feel like shit. I now realise if it's not this guy, it's going to be another with his hands all over my girlfriend. She has guys all over her, most likely just using her, but most of them more attractive than me and god knows what else............ and I only manage to get one date with someone I wasn't even attracted to. I still feel unfulfilled.
I'm on her FetLife profile now while writing this and I have to look at this shit every day, and her relishing in it without ANY thought to my lack of dates. Not once has she asked me about my dates or who I've met off FetLife, and it's obvious my profile is barren of any interaction compared to hers.
I can't really fault the relationship I have with my girlfriend if I'm honest. She's still her sweet, supportive self and she does make time for me, but I feel this open relationship has gotten really unfair now.
So that's it. I don't want to break up with her but I want it to stop, and to close the relationship again. But because it was my idea to open it, and we went through that difficulty before she started enjoying it, I don't know how to bring it up or what I say when I do. I just know it's got to stop now and this can't be healthy for either of us.
tl;dr: Asked my girlfriend for an open relationship so we could both date and sleep with other people. My girlfriend has been on way too many dates and I'm sure she's hooked up with a good few too. I havn't. Feel the open relationship has gotten way too unfair towards me and I want to close it, but because it was my idea I don't know how to bring it up to her. Need advice on how to do this and close the relationship again.
98 comments submitted at 00:37:14 on May 12, 2014 by closeopenrthrowaway
I'm starting to realise that other people on reddit view me as a selfish hypocritical prick, but I don't think I am. I thought suggesting an open relationship would save the relationship I had with her, because it wasn't like I was having much success with suppressing my urges at the time. It's not like I knew it would turn out to be this unbalanced, and it's not exactly fair on me is it?
It is fair on you. Open relationships aren't about both people having the same number of partners over the same time span. You wanted this, you and her set to and agreed upon ground rules, now this is what happens. What happens if you close the relationship back up? Nothing changes from what it was before. You're still "stuck" with this big girl when there are hotter girls out there. Then she's "stuck" with this stupid boyfriend that doesn't think she's good enough for him because he thinks he can do better, and has bordered the 'cheating' line in the past because of it. Reap what you sow, dude.
For a 27 year old you have the reasoning capability of a hormone fuelled teen. Take a step back and realise that you're judging yourself by your own intentions and others by their actions. When a chorus of voices has a unanimous comment to make about your character, don't outright reject it but embrace the alternative perspective and consider what about yourself led them to that conclusion.
What wasn't fair was the ultimatum you issued, what wasn't fair was the fact you wanted to sleep with 'hotter' women, what isn't fair is that you're abusing your partner for companionship and don't have the ability to be caring back. What isn't fair is that you honestly think you can close this again, just how high of an opinion do you have of yourself to even consider that a possibility? Those other guys probably appreciate her more in their brief encounters than you have in your entire relationship. Your opening post made that very clear to us if it's in the least bit accurate and representative of your relationship as a whole.
An open relationship requires an extraordinary level of personal insight and compassion, you need to work on both, and you might want to consider doing it alone, away from all of this.
> people on reddit view me as a selfish hypocritical prick
You've only shown people the selfish, hypocritical prick side of you so far, so what do you expect? You have to actually do unselfish, non-hypocritical things to be seen as that type of person.
And honestly, if your relationship was on the rocks before you "opened" this relationship, what makes you think closing it again will change anything?
> It's not like I knew it would turn out to be this unbalanced
You knew it would turn out unbalanced, just not in her favor.
>
Guy, if like EVERY PERSON on the thread is telling you you're wrong, do you think...you might be...wrong?
I wont lie. Some things have hit close to home but mostly I think people are just being unnecessary and refusing to see things from my point of view.
I am a super open-minded person, and if you check my comment history you will see I took a big hit trying to suggest another OP look at things from her partner's POV.
Also, my husband and I are not monogamous. So I hope you will take what I have to say seriously and not just brush it off as some closed-minded jerk with no empathy.
And what I have to say is that my jaw literally dropped as I read your post. You needed a serious wakeup call and you got it. You are at a crossroads now and you can either go down the path of the asshole, and continue to rationalize your bad behavior, or you can go down the path of a good and decent partner and learn to truly value and respect the people you date.
Alright then. Is the only reason that you want to close this because you haven't had any luck and she has? Or is it that you've come to the conclusion that she is all you need and this was a mistake?
And yes, you didn't know this is how it would turn out, but like I said, if the roles were reversed and you were sleeping with 10-20 girls and she had slept with 1 or 2 or no men, would you feel the same way?
> it's not exactly fair on me
You're the one who's responsible for getting these dates. You're not expected to be drowning in pussy, but if you had played your cards right you could have made it more balanced yourself. What, you're entitled to X amount of pussy just for signing up?
The failure to land chicks is entirely your own fault, and it's not hard to see why - you sound like the shittiest little prick imaginable, can't fault the ladies for steering clear!
You basically forced her hand into this. You wanted this. YOU made your bed, now lie in it. This is what you wanted, maybe not the outcome exactly as you dreamed, but you pushed for this.