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How Is Polyfidelity Not Monogamy? (self.polyamory)

girlaboutoaktownearnest contrarian slut が 投稿

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[–]quik_livesgenderqueer dyke, anarchist-ish triad 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (17子コメント)

Hadn't seen you around for a while, /u/girlaboutoaktown ... Had hoped you were off being happy and less bitter somewhere. See I was wrong.

[–]throwawayBobDobsinfinite love, finite patience -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (15子コメント)

Personal attack. Stay classy.

[–]quik_livesgenderqueer dyke, anarchist-ish triad 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (14子コメント)

No, just an honest assessment of her long term contributions to this sub.

[–]Arch-duke 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (8子コメント)

Can't speak as to her long term contributions, but I had an unpleasant encounter with this poster a while back and haven't posted here since. Not to be melodramatic, I'm hardly traumatised or anything; I think it just soured my experience.

When she gets called out she's all like 'I call it how I see it, and am giving the community tough love' - no, /u/girlaboutoaktoun, you're just a petty bully who apparently gets off on making others feel small. In my last entanglement with her, she amused herself by mocking my writing style; I can't see how that's for the good of the community.

[–]quik_livesgenderqueer dyke, anarchist-ish triad 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (1子コメント)

You're not the only one with that experience, but I hope it won't continue to stop you from posting here.

[–]Arch-duke 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I hadn't realised that it had, until just now. I'm a mite contrary myself, so I'll likely make it a point to post here. Plus, things on the polyamory front have been progressing well.

[–]throwawayBobDobsinfinite love, finite patience -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (5子コメント)

Why did you post this same gripe twice? You said in the post below that you wanted to warn others off taking her seriously, but you're taking her far more seriously than anyone I've seen on here in a while.

So a user is abrasive on a subreddit. That can be annoying, and she definitely can be abrasive, Lord knows, but I haven't seen her get directly insulting or even especially personal about this stuff, which is exactly what you're doing.

[–]Arch-duke 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (4子コメント)

Why did you post this same gripe twice?

Responding to different commenters.

You said in the post below that you wanted to warn others off taking her seriously, but you're taking her far more seriously than anyone I've seen on here in a while.

I'd hazard a guess that, like me, a lot of other people who collide with /u/girlaboutoaktown's snarking aggression simply simply have their experience soured, consciously or unconsciously being put off from the sub. I'd say /u/quik_lives was taking it more seriously by posting in the first place, with the same reason that I took the time to back her up - this person makes others feel small, and it's nice to take the wind out of the sails of a bully, especially for the targets of their derision.

So a user is abrasive on a subreddit. That can be annoying, and she definitely can be abrasive, Lord knows, but I haven't seen her get directly insulting or even especially personal about this stuff, which is exactly what you're doing.

She gets directly insulting and especially personal. Anyway, you are right, it's just another abrasive, anonymous poster. The several posts I've sunken into supporting /u/quik_lives in calling that out is more than enough. I don't bat an eyelid when I encounter this sort of thing elsewhere; I think the thing is that I (and people I know and care about) use this community as a resource for support and information, find it very welcoming and constructive in that regard, and conversely find /u/girlaboutoaktown's contributions incongruous with the tone and culture here. People post personal, vulnerable stuff here- and it hurts when Sir Snark-a-lost trots over basically to scoff. A lot of people wouldn't bother posting if they knew ahead of time that this wasn't a support forum so much as a place to get disqualified and mocked. Not much to be done about it, but sure, I'll toss in my two cents if somebody else crops up voicing the same opinion.

[–]throwawayBobDobsinfinite love, finite patience 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (3子コメント)

It's one thing to mock someone, but it's quite another to call someone out for shitty behavior. I've seen quite a few instances on here of people describing behaviors that are clearly abusive and then demanding that folks be nice and respect their approach to their relationship. Does calling that person out hurt their feelings? Yes.

This forum has a lot of people looking for guidance and support, and to ignore bad/abusive/wrong-headed behavior so that someone can feel good about themselves does more harm than good. Polyamory is a tricky relationship model that requires real care and maturity to make it work without falling to pieces. The very nature of it should be treated with some gravity and if that means identifying problematic actions, so be it. And honestly, if you're not ready to take some emotional blows without tears or grabbing your toys and going home, then it may not be the right relationship style for you; a poly life is going to see you feeling left out or threatened or just sad. That happens. The people I know who make poly work in the long term do so with thick skins and emotional maturity.

[–]Arch-duke 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (2子コメント)

It's one thing to mock someone, but it's quite another to call someone out for shitty behavior. I've seen quite a few instances on here of people describing behaviors that are clearly abusive and then demanding that folks be nice and respect their approach to their relationship. Does calling that person out hurt their feelings? Yes.

Right, but we're not talking about that. We're talking about being pointlessly abrasive and meanspirited, to folks who aren't posting shitty behavior.

This forum has a lot of people looking for guidance and support, and to ignore bad/abusive/wrong-headed behavior so that someone can feel good about themselves does more harm than good.

Right, but we're not talking about constructively setting people right.

And honestly, if you're not ready to take some emotional blows without tears or grabbing your toys and going home, then it may not be the right relationship style for you; a poly life is going to see you feeling left out or threatened or just sad. That happens. The people I know who make poly work in the long term do so with thick skins and emotional maturity.

This feels like a bit of a cheap shot. Poly absolutely is the right relationship style for me, regardless of my opinions and impression of an online message board. There's no tears, and I haven't taken my toys and gone home- I've just chimed in on a discussion about a user who I agree is meanspirited and unhelpful. Just voicing an opinion; hardly invalidating my suitability for a lifestyle I've been successfully living to some extent or another for several years. Are you trying to say that this subreddit should tolerate unconstructive derision in order to 'haze' would be polyamorists? Prove that they can hack it?

Nobody is saying there isn't a place for straight forward hard truths; this isn't cuddle club, and I'm not advocating for unconditional love and acceptance. I'm just saying that OP is a bit of a bully, in response to a discussion tree raising that fact. You clearly disagree: ok, that's that - your two cents, my two cents.

[–]throwawayBobDobsinfinite love, finite patience -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (1子コメント)

No, you made personal attacks and now you're backing off claiming that you just want a reasonable discussion.

[–]Arch-duke 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm not backing off shit; I stand by what I said. I chimed in to support someone's testimony that OP is bully who engages in passive aggression and personal attacks. There's not much else to say, and only so many ways to rephrase it for your (weird) persistence and investment in this line of conversation.

You're right, I have repeatedly tried to steer the discussion back on topic. You're uninterested in discussing the actual topic reasonably, and I'm uninterested in further discussing /u/girlaboutoaktown.

[–]throwawayBobDobsinfinite love, finite patience 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (4子コメント)

It's not an assessment. It was nastiness for the purpose of being nasty and added nothing to the conversation.

[–]Arch-duke 1 ポイント2 ポイント  (3子コメント)

Chiming in to say that /u/quik_lives is telling the truth. /u/girlaboutoaktown is meanspirited, confrontational, and rude; a glance at her comment history here shows that.

I'd hate to admit it, but I think she actually successfully chased me away from posting with her disqualifying derision, and personal attacks. I was super happy, and posting about my formal debut into polyamory proper when I fell into an intense but brief polyamorous relationship with a great girl amid her travels. She mocked me for considering a weekend love affair as a 'relationship', and then just started mocking my writing style (too many semicolons, apparently). For what it's worth, I'm still in touch with that great girl, and am making plans to visit her overseas in July 2015. I've also been in a couple of polyamorous relationships since (apart from the one I've been in all along), and it's going great. I shall have to consciously put in an effort to remember to post again; screw getting put off posting by embittered bully.

I get that it comes off as petty to have a go at her straight off the bat, but she's toxic and hurtful, and really has earned that reputation. Plus, it can be helpful to (a) see that you're not alone in having a bad experience with her, and (b) warn others not to take her too seriously.

[–]dragontheoremopen, pan, cis f | SF, CA 2 ポイント3 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I agree with you; in addition, I like your semicolons.

[–]throwawayBobDobsinfinite love, finite patience 0 ポイント1 ポイント  (1子コメント)

I remember you. She criticized your writing style as florid and using poor punctuation. She also said that a weekend tryst was not a relationship.

That may have been harsh. I found it a bit harsh at the time, but I didn't disagree.

Now what she didn't do, and you are repeatedly doing is making personal attacks. You're assaulting her character because she had some opinions that you didn't like. That's really not appropriate.

[–]Arch-duke 3 ポイント4 ポイント  (0子コメント)

She said my writing was 'tortured', 'turgid', 'obnoxious', 'disturbing', and 'embarassing shit'. It was overly hostile, petty, and not at all concerned with this subreddit, or my post.

I'm just backing up /u/quik_lives; this poster is unpleasant, and needlessly abrasive. She was then, and she is now. Sad thing is, she has a worthy point of discussion buried somewhere in all that bristling edginess.

[–]girlaboutoaktownearnest contrarian slut[S] -1 ポイント0 ポイント  (0子コメント)

I'm quite happy, full dance schedule, all that. I just like to see if the polyamorous community is willing to confront hard questions once in a while and all that.

It's funny, when I'm condemning heterosexism or just plain ol sexism in polyamory you were quite a supporter of mine. Guess you only care about well-intentioned criticism when it's in a particular direction. Shame.