Feminist Roosterteeth

It’s kind of complicated. No, I didn’t always know I was trans, far from it. As far as I knew, I was just a ‘tomboy’ (which is a concept I know kind of despise). I kind of flirted with the idea that I was trans when I was in my early-mid teens, but it seemed too hard and I had never met anyone who was trans or seen any kind of positive representation of trans people, and especially not of trans men. I had this idea, perpetuated by media & by society in general, that trans people were ‘freaks’ and ‘weirdos’ and whilst I knew I wasn’t comfortable in my gender at all, I didn’t want to be that, so. That’s internalised transphobia for you.

It kind of didn’t really hit me as possible until I met a trans guy at uni. I didn’t even know he was trans to start with (and funnily enough I had a bit of a crush on him but that’s neither here nor there), but when I did find out I realised that it was possible. Here was a guy, just living his life, and he was trans. And idk it was like something clicked into place for me. I’m not saying I suddenly KNEW or anything, there was still a lot of self-doubt and I took things slowly.

Also, for a lot of trans people, it’s a really life or death thing, and it was never like that for me.My dysphoria has never been tangible, or painful. More a disconnect with my body than a true discomfort. I could have probably gone on being perceived as a woman, at least for a while, I think. I might not have been 100% happy, but I could have done it, but I didn’t see the point in doing that if I could live in a way that would be true to myself.

Once I did venture beyond tentative experimentation with my gender, it was easy for me, I suppose, compared to some. I didn’t struggle with it much and I’m pretty stubborn and single-minded when it comes down to it, for better or worse. I knew what I wanted and I pursued it as doggedly and as quickly as the medical system in the UK would allow. Once I make a decision, I tend to be quick to act on it. But my experience there isn’t reflective of all experiences, and there have still been moments of self-doubt. They’re only natural, when you’re making big decisions and big changes with your life.

There’s no doubt in my mind that I am not the gender I was assigned at birth, but I still sometimes wonder if I am male or if I just identify as such because it’s the easiest option for me. So yeah, there are still doubts now and again, they’re a part of life.