scooping it out would probably be less work than sawing the whole goddamned thing in half like a sugar crazed lumberjack

If you're not poor and have good knives, you can slice through that almost immediately. I'd wager even if you have a Target set, you can slice through that almost immediately.

the place where the lid meets the container is going to leak like a motherfucker as soon as your hand-heat starts melting the ice cream i.e. immediately

Nope. Just tried it out - worked fine.

if you can't walk to the fridge to put the second half back you probably didn't need to be eating the first half of it anyway

I don't get it. Have you never gotten a bit of ice cream to watch something where it breaks the developed mood to pause, get up, and come back? Or I guess we can just assume your oversimplified understandings are correct all the time.