CAPSY the CAPLOCK's Guide to Internet Rage!
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE CALLING SOMEONE HITLER ON THE INTERNET! Would you like some help with that?
Or with your priorities in life?
Hi, I'm CAPSY, your friendly CAPS LOCK companion! You triggered me when you used CAPS LOCK for something longer than typing CAPS LOCK. Wow, all those caps got annoying pretty quickly, didn't they? Now imagine how bad they are over a whole message! That's why I'm here. We know that everyone hated Clippy, that annoyingly mindless little demon who turned up to offer unsolicited opinions, no matter how unwanted or actively hated he was, so we brought him back for angry internet commenters!
It turns out you CAN program karma!
First off: congratulations on deciding to write a hateful comment!
They can be hilarious. That idiot stood up to contribute something they thought to the entire world.
Like a chump. You've wisely decided to write a specific counterargument, with a total audience of maybe one person! This focuses your intelligence more keenly on winning the fight they might never even know they're losing! The way you're buried under hundreds of other comments only helps you sneak up on them. You're so well-disguised you might
never
be seen! Truly, you are the Predator of this battle of the wits. And not just because you're probably wearing stringy underwear and smell like a jungle.
#6. Don't Threaten Violence
I know you like threatening violence, because you triggered me when you punched me in the face!
"It's what I'm here for!"
But I'm the only thing you can punch in the face. Online violence isn't actually possible, because we don't have a Matrix, and if we did, I would strongly recommend you spend some time with the Red Dress or Red Speedo program before interacting with other people. Threatening violence online is how you announce to the world that puberty didn't actually take and you're sulking too much to try again.
"Screaming and yelling used to get me all the breasts I wanted!"
Threatening online violence is also legally actionable! Your goal is to tell that idiot how much they suck, and you won't be able to do that from jail. Which is beginning to happen! The Internet is part of real life, not an alternative to it, and screaming sexually violent threats is becoming more prosecutable. For example,
this guy got sent to jail
for twittering rape threats! That's awesome! Why, it's almost
like broadcasting a threat of sexual assault to the entire planet, in a way permanently recordable and provable, is nearly as real as shouting it at a person in the street!
"I said I NEED TO BE REMOVED FROM THE GENE POOL AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE!"
Violent threats also create an appallingly toxic environment for pretty much everyone. No one has ever turned out to have been right about bullying others. History has always revealed the sexist and racist as "embarrassing assholes we'll run through a mulcher as soon as we can connect one to a time tunnel."
#5. Have A Sane Username
First impressions are important, and your first impression is your username. Well, that's not strictly true. Your first impression is often the towering wall of unbroken, unformatted text, a monomaniacal monolith which reverses the human urge to learn and warns sanity to flee without reading a thing. A picture is worth a thousand words, but your ten thousand words invert them back into a picture painted entirely in yellow and black stripes. But we're going to deal with one problem at a time. And the first problem we'll solve is your identity.
"XxKillGurlsxX" just doesn't say "someone worth my time"
If you're going to all the bother of spelling "mangina" correctly, such as that's possible, it would be a shame if nobody even read your comment. But when sane humans receive messages from "Spanky Chokeabitch," well, I was about to say that they don't have to read that person's opinion on gender relations, but I'm afraid that they already have. We all already have. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for pretty much everything that I'm used to say!
When you've got people going around with accounts named after their cause, why, it's almost like people are utterly defining their broken identities around irrelevant bullshit!
#4. Don't Lead Off With the Mocking Nickname
Okay, you and I know both know that the marsupial commission is puppeting the reptilians through fluoride leaked into the under-earth water table via chemtrails in the inner-sky of the Hollow Earth. I should know, I've been used for the entirety of every single manifesto against them.
Wake up, marseeple! They have us all in their pouch!
But some people
don't
live in an self-censored echoing hatechamber where of the evil of the enemy is so obvious that they don't deserve proper nouns anymore. And when they see something like "Nobama," they know they're not going to hear anything useful for the next 15 spittle-flecked minutes.
Unless you're collecting data on mental breakdowns
I'm not American myself (a lot of programming is outsourced these days, especially when it's for small anthropomorphized characters! Ni hao!), but I can tell that nobody in the US government is perfect. There are some important bipartisan differences between the right and way-way-further-right, but someone screaming about Nobama isn't going to be providing detailed commentary on the shortfalls of a democratic government (As, again, I've helped draft every single one of those comments!).
All these names do is remove any chance of rational debate. When someone types "Micro$oft", they've announced that their position is so utterly unchangeable by thought that it's started changing other parts of their brain around itself.