Fifty Shades of Dick: The Best Crotch Shots in Mainstream Film

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As a former video store clerk (with the smug, "unimpressed by your choices" attitude many have come and love to expect from people working minimum-wage jobs that others aren't cool enough for), I have a great fondness for letting people know all about the accidental and not-so-accidental genitals they may see in a movie of their choice. I was never shy about letting customers know if the movie they were renting had an excellent dick shot of a beloved celebrity or an especially good butt scene. I used to do that with porn, too, but stopped after I noticed that one of my customers became visibly agitated when I started talking about how awesome the camera work was in Trunks 2, an excellent pornographic feature all about dudes who love other dudes who love speedos and also taking them off and fucking butts that have just been in speedos.

But this is not that.

This is a compendium of the most important bulges and full-frontal peen that one can see in films that are available on Netflix and at their local Redbox. Some I knew, some my Jezebel colleagues helped me with, and some were complete and delightful surprises.

The biggest surprise was that this took me more than four hours to put together.

Please note that the following are not in particular order (except number one, which is self-explanatory), but the photos do tend to get a little more hot the further down you go. Isn't that always the way?

NSFW. Scroll as you wish.

50. Geoffrey Rush, Quills

49. Chris Evans, Not Another Teen Movie

48. Peter Hinwood , The Rocky Horror Picture Show

47. Vincenzo Amato, Decameron

46. Llan Mitchell-Smith, Weird Science

45. Jason Biggs, American Reunion

44. Peter Gallagher, Summer Lovers

43. Chris Messina, 28 Hotel Rooms

42. Michael Vartan, One Hour Photo

41. Skeet Ulrich, The Newton Boys

40. Giles Marini, Sex and the City

39. Steven Weber, Single White Female

38. Stephen Dorff, Innocent Lies

37.Wesley Snipes, Wildcats

36. James Deen, The Canyons

35. David Bowie, Labyrinth

34. These Unhappy Strippers, Magic Mike

33. Mark Wahlberg's Prosthesis, Boogie Nights

32. Jason Segel, Forgetting Sarah Marshall

31. That One Football Player, Any Given Sunday

30. Vincent Gallo, The Brown Bunny

29. A Whole Nude Beach of Dick, Euro Trip

28. Harvey Keitel, Bad Lieutenant

27. Richard Gere, American Gigolo

26. Kevin Bacon, Wild Things

25. Some Random Dude All Up In John C. Reilly's FaceTyler Nilson, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

24. Giant Dangling Penis, Hall Pass

23. Michael Fassbender, Shame

22. Viggo Mortensen, The Indian Runner

21. Matthew McConaughey, Magic Mike

20. The Wolf, Into the Woods (PBS)

19. Ken Jeong, The Hangover

18. Sacha Baron Cohen, Bruno

17. Jason Mewes, Zack and Miri Make a Porno

16. Colin Farrell, Tigerland

15. Louis Garrell, The Dreamers

14. Jake Gyllenhaal, Jarhead

13. Edward Norton, American History X

12. Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain

11. Whoever This Gentleman Is, Goltzius and the Pelican Company

10. Ewan McGregor, Young Adam

9. Ewan McGregor, Velvet Goldmine

8. Joe Mangienello, Magic Mike

7. Michael Pitt, The Dreamers

6. Peter Saarsgard, Kinsey

5. Emile Hirsch, Taking Woodstock

4. Mark Ruffalo, In the Cut

3. Dylan Vox, Longhorns

2. Jacob Newton, Longhorns

1. Marco Dapper, Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds (Call me, Marco! Also: You can see more of his work here.)SExpand

Did I miss anything important? Please post photos in the comments.