I tried for over a year to get a job and could get nothing. I had people I interviewed with not even call me back letting me know they picked someone else. I couldn't even get a three month temp stint at Old Navy (and was subjected to a humiliating and uncomfortable group interview only to come up empty handed). I had a woman tell me I was shy, then not even call me to let me know they chose a different person.

I went home three hours into my shift yesterday because I was so upset and not feeling good. I am petrified that I will get canned. Hard as it may be to believe, I work hard as hell at my job and go above and beyond to help customers 90% of the time. I will actually walk with customers through the store to help them find something they need, and help elderly customers with dementia and Alzheimer's by walking them through the process of running their card. I am almost always willing to stay late to help out the CSMs and cover shifts for cashiers who have doctor's appointments or things with their kids. Speaking of kids, I admit that I am an asshole much of the time and ignore people's kids because I am generally not a kid person and people's kids all up in my business makes me nervous, but I can usually muster a smile. And through it all, I even manage to keep a positive attitude MOST of the time, and laugh at customers' stupid jokes, and be polite, even to rude people who creepily try to hit on me. Let me remind anyone and everyone that I have done all of this while dealing with the depression that I was born with, all without medication, for years.

So excuse me if I occasionally have an off day where some stupid guy who thinks he's funny pisses me off and I call him a few less than complimentary things. And may I remind people that cashiers are a captive audience and are generally forced to listen to your shit. Being respectful of that fact would be much appreciated. Cashiers don't want to listen to you talk at length about your personal problems, listen to your dumb jokes, or tolerate your creepy come-ons. In fact, the majority of the time, cashiers would love it if you would say hello politely, ask how they are, get your stuff rung up, and leave.

One exception is one girl I work with who has actually been spoken to by management. Not only because she publicly gropes her boyfriend (who also works there) in the break room, but because her customers numbers are extremely low. And it's obvious why: she once spent 20 minutes babysitting a customer who was lonely and needed someone to talk to, while other customers grew more and more pissed because they were in a hurry. I like to think I offer the best of both worlds. If a non asshole customer wants to talk to me, I'm game. But most of the time, I assume people have places to go and stuff to do, so the bare minimum conversation is best.

And you know what? I've been there going on half a year and am only now having problems, unrelated to my job performance. I have held down this job all this time. So they obviously want to keep me. Right now I am scared that I could lose my job. Really scared. Because I won't be able to find another one right now. Yes, even with a college degree. The economy is terrible and I have to hold on to this job for dear life, like a life raft. I can't let myself sink. Which is why I'm so angry and pissed at myself for allowing my bad moods to make me leave yesterday. I let everyone down. There was even someone who took my shift today because I was supposed to work let yesterday. Well, now he took my shift for nothing, and I feel terrible. I feel absolutely terrible about going home early and creating a problem for everyone, because I was supposed to close. After I left they had to scramble, make phone calls, ask people to stay late. I feel like bug shit. Does that sound like someone who doesn't care about their job?

I really don't give a crap how long that was. I am sick of people making assumptions about how lazy I am and how I'm a shitty cashier.