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Series: Jessica Valenti column
Men deserve everything women get: waiting periods, purity control and science-free sex education
It’s time to end the battle of the sexes and protect men with the same zeal as we do women
As state after state
strips women of their access to abortion
and the US supreme court rules to strip women of access to contraception, it seems only fair that men should be “helped” in the same way that women have been “helped” all these years. Right? After all, the laws are said to be there
to protect us,
from ourselves, and we wouldn’t want men to feel left out.
So, before engaging in any sexual act that could lead to procreation, what if all men had to undergo years of male-centric, abstinence-only education to learn about the horrors and all-around grossness of male sexuality? And what if the standards for how we legislated male sexuality and what we taught about it were based on scientific data of the same quality as that which is applied to women?
Boys, for instance, might be taught that each time you put your penis inside a different woman, it gets smaller.
It’s “true”! Don’t
leave your future wife
with a bummer boner – abstain from sex until marriage.
Young men would also need to learn how to truly respect themselves and their bodies, because women have certain needs, and are stimulated visually. Gentlemen, if you go around wearing shirts that show off your biceps or jeans that hug your bottom (or, God forbid,
your “package”), young women will think that you’re that
that kind of guy.
If you don’t aim to please, don’t aim to tease!
When a young man decides that he’s ready for sex – preferably within the confines of marriage – he would be taught that he is expected to be the sole party responsible for birth control? Yes, boys, maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll meet a woman who’s on the pill. But most women find that taking a daily hormone really lessens their enjoyment of sex, so you’d have to be prepared
to get gel injected into your scrotum
as often as needed to make sure the woman to whom you give your body doesn’t have to choose between really
enjoying sex ... and the potential negative consequences of having it without birth control.
But don’t get too excited! Before you’d be allowed to actually have sex, what if you had to
wait 72 hours
to make sure that’s really
what you wanted to do? It’s a serious decision after all, with adult consequences, and men are not generally known for their ability to think while aroused. During that 72-hour waiting period (which you’d have every time you want to have sex, not just the first time), you would be treated to a battery of invasive medical procedures making sure you’re free of all sexually transmitted infections. (I’ve heard this involves something like a pipe-cleaner going into your penis-hole, but I try not to think too hard about dude stuff – it’s pretty confusing down there!)
Once your waiting period is over, you might have to get yourself to your nearest men’s health center – which can legally be as far as 150 miles from your hometown, which is
not far enough
to constitute any real burden – for education on child support and information about the psychological damage men can incur from having sex and how it
probably causes penis cancer. You could also be shown a video about how women generally find men who have premarital sex to be disgusting and shameful.
Now, we couldn’t guarantee that all of the “medical” information you’d receive would be scientifically accurate, because the doctors there might actually required by law to read “facts” from “studies” that comport with what we all feel is probably true about male sexuality, even if they have been rejected by the medical community. We could call those the
Men’s Right to Know
rules, because we care!
After that, if you’re a minor, you could be required to obtain a note of permission
from your parents
before you can move forward with sexual activity. If you’d prefer to get a judicial waiver from needing this parental consent, you’d have to go before the court where you might be: cross examined by a district attorney; required to submit evidence that you understand what sex is; and even have your sperm given its own attorney, because, goodness knows, we can’t trust
you
with it!
All this said, if the woman gets pregnant, it would still be sort of your fault and ultimately your responsibility – I mean, she couldn’t get knocked up on her own! Besides, men are just better equipped to take care of children. They’re on average bigger, and can reach the baby formula on high shelves at the pharmacy more easily.
But here’s the good news: When you’re done with all this, you would be presented with a contract indicating that you understand all the risks – emotional, physical, and psychological – and that you’re ready to have sex. Once you sign, you’d be good to go!
The bad news: then you’d be a psychologically damaged slut.
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3 people, 3 comments
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DoesNotComputer gumball000This comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs.
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Chanelle47 gumball000I just wish I knew what I'd just read. I know it was a rant but I was waiting for a punchline that never came.PS Jessica "each time you put your penis inside a different woman, it gets smaller."No, its gets bigger. Trust me.
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veritasnumquamperitThis comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs.
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3 people, 3 commentsmimpiviewScience-free sex educationThe most powerful orgasms are generated by enormous amounts of conscious outflowing love through the eyes, total absence of imagination and crude slave-master addiction-fear emotion and in its place apperceptive experience of the fine inner feeling-sensation of intense, subtle and ever changing life-vibe flowing around the united body-eggs. A perfectly still penis is important too.
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3 people, 4 commentsEdgeleyRecommend31Good satire probably has a point behind it.This work makes me think that JV would rather men really did have the difficulties she lists than that women have such difficulties removed.
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3 people, 3 commentsSamvaraRecommend21But don’t get too excited! Before you’d be allowed to actually have sex, what if you had to wait 72 hours to make sure that’s really what you wanted to do?Only 72 hours? I think most men would consider that a big improvement.
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Chanelle47 SamvaraI waited over 22 years to first have sex. An extra 72 hours would have been a piece of cake.
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5 people, 5 comments
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EyebrowofDoom OpinionatedFrogThis comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs.
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Fr33d0mhawk OpinionatedFrogYeah! I mean who would actually force men to go through the humiliation and BIG GOVT intrusion that women go through? Don't the feminists know that the penis is a man's personal business and its society's responsibility to make sure every man can achieve and maintain erection, whereas its obviously we all know that a woman's vagina is property of BIG GOVT, then second in command of a woman's vagina is the male sexual partner, no consent required, then her parents', then her children's, possibly even the family pet has a legal say so, and finally, in last place is the woman herself. What a wonderful small government conservatives provide for our women, government so small it can fit into every woman's orifice on her body, or maybe just the orifices where the sun doesn't normally shine, but hey, BIG GOVT shines down there brightly- all according to the less intrusive government ideology of right wingers. Its not an intrusion if the woman doesn't have legal ownership of her own vagina.
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Chanelle47 Fr33d0mhawkRanting aside, it is a political faction of the United States that Valenti is railing against here. Not men, not women, but conservative Republicans.This isn't a man vs woman issue.
Show 2 more replies Last reply: 06 October 2014 5:29pm -
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2 people, 2 commentsMihangelapYrsRecommend25"All this said, if the woman gets pregnant, it would still be sort of your fault and ultimately your responsibility – I mean, she couldn’t get knocked up on her own! "
I thought that that was the status quo?-
BalerionZinn MihangelapYrsRecommend15Hey now you, coming in here with your reason and such-a-such. Shoo, I say, shoo!
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2 people, 3 commentsBjerkleySatire!I understand the point being made, but it seems rather pointless.Yes, women's sexuality and reproduction is policed and that is a bad thing, which all should fight to change. But this article implies that men aren't subject to shitty messages regarding sexuality and reproduction, or parenthood - and I'd be willing to bet that some of those negative outcomes would be one that Valenti supports (as would I, being in some cases the best of bad options).
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Bjerkley paulrudolphOr effective, yes. Was just pre-empting any idea that we might not get that this is a joke.
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PrakashShahRecommend23They’re on average bigger, and can reach the baby formula on high shelves at the pharmacy more easilyThis article is so daft. Baby formula is always on the lower shelves, usually those where children can reach it from the seat in the shopping trolley, along with sweets and glass bottles that can smash. I thought everyone knew that.My point negates the whole article of course.
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4 people, 5 commentsStVitusGerulaitisRecommend17Of all the hardships, oppression and violence women face around the world, these are what you come up with? Some shitty laws, nutty theories and bad sex education that affect a few states in the conservative parts of the US?
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TerribleLyricist StVitusGerulaitisThis comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs.
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ID4625022 StVitusGerulaitisAh of course, the old 'something worse is happening somewhere, so you're not allowed to be concerned with other bad stuff' line.
Show 2 more replies Last reply: 06 October 2014 5:23pm -
2 people, 2 commentstimthemonkeyRecommend11men are not generally known for their ability to think while aroused.Having seen some of the pairings leaving my local nights, I'm pretty sure women don't think that clearly when they are desperately horny either. If you want more proof, some "lucky" women have slept with Michael Gove.
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2 people, 2 commentszak999Most of the issues above seem to be more a critic of living in a society where religious fundamentalism is wielding too much power. You need to treat the cause, not just the symptoms.
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Chanelle47 zak999And there we draw a blank. There is a rump of religious conservatives who will not be going away anywhere soon. I do wish that Valenti would be honest about who the opponent is here though. If it is stated simply as men it is both wrong and polemical.
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4 people, 5 commentsmetalvendettaRecommend11
Or buy condoms, as both genders are at liberty to do?When a young man decides that he’s ready for sex – preferably within the confines of marriage – he would be taught that he is expected to be the sole party responsible for birth control? Yes, boys, maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll meet a woman who’s on the pill. But most women find that taking a daily hormone really lessens their enjoyment of sex, so you’d have to be prepared to get gel injected into your scrotum as often as needed to make sure the woman to whom you give your body doesn’t have to choose between really enjoying sex ... and the potential negative consequences of having it without birth control.-
AQuietNight metalvendetta"Or buy condoms, as both genders are at liberty to do?"Not in American Liberalland.
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geewillikers metalvendettaThe supreme court has stripped women of their right to contraception though, it's in the first line and can't possibly be some hyperbole about legislative changes to ObamacareWomen no longer have the right to access contraception, Ms Valenti said so and that's enough for me
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unheilig geewillikersDid you actually understand anything about the issues raised by the Hobby Lobby case?
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geewillikers unheiligyeh some people said it was against their religion to fund employee's contraceptive choicesthat has no impact on women's right to contraception, of course, the right is still there and nobody is preventing women from buying contraceptives
Show 2 more replies Last reply: 06 October 2014 5:32pm -
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2 people, 2 comments
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itin78 ChummieBattle of the sexes?
No such thing.
Men are your servants,it's like that and the way it is.
Not a problem with me.
I honestly believe that females are more valuble to the species than males.
A little like drones in the hive,men are expendable.
My father and grandfather were send off to the killing fields and trenches.
In earlier times,the women of the tribe knew that when the blokes left the cave to hunt,they may become the prey and not come back.
To belong to a generation that has swerved that fate,has been like a lottery win.
Do not waste too many resources on me.Google,"Man's life summed up in one picture."
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AQuietNightThis comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs.
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RealDealBillMcnealThis comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs.
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3 people, 3 commentsJa KoeGreat article! As a woman long past having to worry about this stuff, I still think the anti-abortion crowd should promote vasectomies for all males. Sperm could be frozen. Vasectomies are much cheaper, simpler and safer than trying to treat the women. It could be a rite of passage.
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JonPurrtree Ja KoeI'm sure you haven't thought of any of the consequences of that.Any particular group of men you'd like to start with?
And what happens about men who come from abroad. (just tell girls not to have sex with them). Like myself if you're saying this from a USA point of view.
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2 people, 2 commentsKellyMac234I cannot believe you wrote that with a straight face. And I do believe you made at least half of it up. Granted I'm approaching the half-century mark, but 72 hour waiting period for sex? Jessica, you can do better. I know you can.
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Arkleseizure KellyMac234I get the impression that, having been unable to write it without laughing, she wrongly assumed that it was also be impossibole for anyone to read it without laughing.
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2 people, 2 comments
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Chanelle47 ZakidaIts the cheeky smile that does it for me. Gets me every time. Then I start reading. Jeez Louise.
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4 people, 6 commentssaintzenoThe bad news: then you’d be a psychologically damaged slut.But, but, but I thought "slut" was good now!
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CaptainGrey OpinionatedFrogRecommend10If I were a man-slut, persumably all the women would only want me for sex with no commitments. What a living hell that would be.
Show 3 more replies Last reply: 06 October 2014 5:23pm -
2 people, 2 comments
KellyMac234And how are we stripped of access to contraception? How about we give men an option? I think it's safe to say most would jump at the chance of birth control rather than rolling the roulette wheel of 24 years of child support every time they have sex because they have to trust that she really took her pills?
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MickGJ KellyMac234
According to the link, the Supreme Court has ruled that one (1) company can opt out of covering some forms of contraception through their medical insurance as, for religious reasons, they consider those methods to be abortifacients.how are we stripped of access to contraception?I don't know if Valenti is just being silly when she claims that all women in the USA have thus been "stripped of access to contraception" or whether she churns out so many of these things she hasn't actually got time to read her own copy.
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FreddySteadyGOThis comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs.
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ZakidaThis comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs.
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5 people, 5 commentsnorecoveryMy little pet peeve: men deserve urinals as standard equipment in bathrooms; then they wouldn't make such a mess.
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metalvendetta norecoveryThat's what the bathroom sink is for; it's the perfect height to avoid missing
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Sidfishes norecoveryPiss in the sink, there's no mess and if it's the kitchen there's dishes in it it takes the dried gravy off.
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Pode norecoveryIf they don't want to make a mess they could just sit down...Just because you *can* write your name with it doesn't mean it's mandatory.
Show 2 more replies Last reply: 06 October 2014 5:18pm -
richmanchester"Before you’d be allowed to actually have sex, what if you had to wait 72 hours to make sure that’s really what you wanted to do?"The link contained in this s to an article about abortions; not sex.
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2 people, 2 commentsdieterrothWhen I read the headline, Men Deserve eerything women get, I was hooping for unsolicited advances by the opposite sex, which would be rather nice in my state of decrepitude.But come on! I thought this article was going to be about states banning abortion and a woman's right to choose, not a whinge about the etiquette of contraception,Get over yourself and buy a condom. Even in my youth in the 70s, women had condoms in their bags, just in case they came across a hunk like me. (Now past his sell-by date I'm afraid.
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randeknight dieterrothYep, the last time a woman started a conversation with me and gave me her phone number, it was 1995.
...come to think of it, that was the only time.
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3 people, 4 commentsrichmanchester"After that, if you’re a minor, you could be required to obtain a note of permission from your parents before you can move forward with sexual activity."This one too.
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richmanchester richmanchesterIs the author actually unaware of the differecnce between having sex and having an abortion?
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BewilderedMark richmanchesterIs the author actually unaware of the differecnce between having sex and having an abortion?There's a difference?
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UndyingCincinnatusRecommend13I'm disappointed in myself. Every day I tell myself "no, I won't open whatever clickbait shite Valenti comes out with" but I always do it anyway.I hope you're proud, Guardian. You have the literary equivalent of an addictive drug here. -
richmanchester"required to submit evidence that you understand what sex is; and even have your sperm given its own attorney, because, goodness knows, we can’t trust you with it!"Same with this one.Really? Sex, abortion, can't tell which is which, or just desparate fro some copy?
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2 people, 2 comments
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GiulioSicaThis comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs. -
3 people, 3 comments
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CaptainGrey JonPurrtreeThis comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs.
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MillbrookNYWhat woman has been stripped of access to contraception? This is just ridiculous hyperbole. Contraceptives are widely available in the US, there isn't a woman in the country with no access.This is what makes it so difficult to take some people seriously.
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2 people, 2 commentscbarrto learn about the horrors and all-around grossness of male sexuality?Isn't the intent of every feminist article in the Guardian to educate us thusly?
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son_of_kinsThis comment was removed by a moderator because it didn't abide by our community standards. Replies may also be deleted. For more detail see our FAQs.
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2 people, 2 commentsFlorence5this is brilliant, well done JV! Really shows the whole thing from the opposite perspective and of course it sounds absolutely ridiculous.
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2 people, 2 comments
GamerDad86While we're at it, let's make sure women get following: Automatic penalties(like tracking anklets, house arrest, etc.) enforced for sex crimes before proven guilty, let's make sure women feel ostracized if their spouses earn more than them, let's flip the laws in most states so that the husband is automatically favored in child custody cases, make men ineligible for the draft - only women can be forced to enter service now, and for one week a month I'm allowed to say whatever I please to you and you aren't allowed to get angry or upset because "it's just the hormones talking".
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ID4625022 GamerDad86Your comment is a nice combination of made-up sexist guff, and 'what about the poor menz'.
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Mike GraceAfter 150 million women have unfair restrictions, we should condemn 3.5 billion men to the same degradation in fairness.That's not how fairness works. Or Feminism. Or Egalitarianism. Or Journalism.Please don't continually attack half the population for the failings of a bunch of elected officials. It only seeks to poison your own chalice.
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4 people, 5 commentsMichael ThomasAnd reproductive equality? Such as not having children forced upon them by another person?
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Michael Thomas BabylonRockerNo... I'm talking about the option of not being a parent, a federally protected right of every woman in the USA, and a right that no man is granted (if a baby is born, men are legally obligated to support it).
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geewillikers BabylonRockerIf my gf gets pregnant and she wants to keep it and I don't, then I have no say in the matter at all. Then, when the baby is born, I have to pay child support, and if I don't want to endure the scorn of my peers, I have to be an engaged father figure too and see the little bastard occasionally.(fortunately this has not yet occurred to me)I don't know if there is any egalitarian solution to this state of affairs and by no means am I saying that the current state of affairs ought to change, although I also don't intend to say that it should stay the same.
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ID4625022 Michael ThomasGosh, I'm under the impression that I've explained this one to you before.You are aware prior to sex, that it may lead to pregnancy, that you do not have a say in what a woman does with her womb, and that if you have a child with a woman, you have a duty to support your own child.You have full reproductive control. If you don't want to reproduce, have a vasectomy or don't have sex.However, what you really want, is the fun of having sex, but not the responsibility of supporting any child that might ensue.
Show 2 more replies Last reply: 06 October 2014 5:32pm -
geewillikersThe US must be so backwards - they have condoms in every supermarket here in the UK. Ms Valenti, come and visit and be amazed by the egalitarian mecca we offer. I would have assumed that condoms and other contraceptives were widely available across the US, but there ya go, learn something new every day.
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2 people, 3 comments
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JonPurrtree bobbysixtyReally? ... oh you mean the children's toy.Its freudian you know. In the woman's other hand, just out of shot, she's got a big pair of scissors.
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