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IT HAPPENED TO ME: I Asked Reddit to Rate My Appearance and It Went Terribly

What was worse than being insulted was that I felt I needed the approval of others to legitimize my own happiness.
Raquel Melody
Sep 8, 2014 at 2:00pm | 350 comments
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I'm a feminist. I care about women's rights. I despise non-consensual objectification, and all the bullshit we have to put up with when it comes to how we look. In our society, our beauty defines our worth to an extent, and it pisses me off.
 
But I'm human, too. As a new member to Reddit, I came across a subreddit that caught my attention: the "Rate Me" page. Scrolling through the endless pages of selfies and glamour shots, I just couldn't shake the feeling that my own self-confidence needed to be justified.
 
I'm not delusional, am I? I'm totally pretty. At least above average. My mom and dad tell me I’m pretty all the time. The reason I've been single for most of my life has to be because I'm really intimidating, right guys? Right? 
 
I guess I have a penchant for masochism.
 
Sometimes we do things that don’t make sense: Straighten our hair when it’s raining, post more than one selfie in a row on Instagram, date guys that we know aren’t good for us. Looking back on my life, I’ve been known to do some pretty cringeworthy things (my freshman year of college, I tried to friend request nearly everyone in my class as a way of making new friends... yeah, no) just to expand my horizons and see how things fare. For my own curiosity, ego, and self-conscious, I wanted to settle the matter once and for all: Was I attractive? 
 
 
image
Apparently I look angry in this photo... I’m not!
 
The results were harrowing. 
 
Ever since I was little, I’ve struggled with who I was. I have a distinct memory of being in fifth grade walking through the cafeteria with my tray of spaghetti and meatballs, and for the first time, noticing that my thighs were larger than every other girls’. Similar visions have haunted my existence since then. I was the girl who cried in a Hollister dressing room after realizing that no pair of jeans would ever go past her thick, Latina thighs. And that no pair of knee-high boots would ever zip up over my large calves.
 
I would spend days locked in my room ugly-crying and wondering why my hair was wavy instead of straight, why my arms never fit right in long sleeves, how some girls could wear short dresses without the back being four inches higher than the front.
 
Now that I’m older, my attitude has veered more toward self-acceptance and even celebration. Where I once saw big thighs, I now see pin-up-worthy curves. Where I once saw fat calves, I now see strength. It helps to see women who look like me in the media, too. (Thank you Jennifer Lopez and Nicki Minaj for never being ashamed of your curves.)
 
Needless to say, though, the dark thoughts still creep up on me once in a while -- particularly when I stupidly put myself in precarious situations of vulnerability such as this one.
 
image
My face when I read all the comments about me.
 
Within minutes of publishing my “Rate Me” post -- complete with seven photos from my OKCupid profile -- the scores came pouring in. At first, most of them were super uplifting. It was nice to hear that people thought I was attractive and pretty, even if the happiness it gave me was rather fleeting. I was getting scores that totally matched up with how I felt about myself, and I was happy to know that I was not unreasonably self-confident.
 
That same night, I went out to a bar with some friends. Between laughter and sips of beer, I would casually check up on my Reddit post for updated scores. I watched as the ratings quickly dipped from 7s and 8s to “just alright,” “fat and average,” and “a solid 3.” It hit me like a train; all the negativity piled on, and it seemed to be an obvious explanation for all of the reasons I had failed in life, especially in love. I felt queasy attempting to digest that reality.
 
I tried my best to respond gracefully to every comment, typing out a quick “Thanks!” or even a silly, optimistic-sounding retort as opposed to completely losing my cool. I knew before I started that not everyone was going to think I was the cat’s meow, and I had tried to mentally prepare myself for a few negative comments.
 
But despite my best efforts, by the end of the night, I was barely focused on my friends as I felt a tight knot forming in my stomach. My stomach sank with every downvote, and the happiness I felt in the beginning of the day felt distant and unmerited. 
 
I looked at pictures of myself over and over again, effortlessly rediscovering my problematic eyebrows, fat legs, and average face. Who did I think I was anyway? I suddenly became that sad girl ugly-crying in Hollister again. As I quickly said goodbye to my friends, I tried my best to wipe away stray tears so as to avoid the embarrassment of explaining why I was so disheartened.
 
I ended up taking the photos down, refusing to willingly undergo any more harsh scrutinization. I wondered if the rest of the world -- passing strangers, family, friends -- was silently judging me as cruelly as the people who saw my post. 
 
Since then, I’ve tried reflecting on why the words of strangers stung me so sharply. What I realized was this: Being a sensitive person who tries to think of other’s feelings in every situation, the thought of deliberately going out of one’s way to bring someone else down felt exceptionally cruel. It hurt. 
 
Yet I realized what was worse than being insulted was that I felt I needed the approval of others to legitimize my own happiness. It’s completely ridiculous and unhealthy to live your life on eggshells like that, constantly wondering what the next person will think of you.
 
Before I asked for others’ opinions, I was happy with how I looked. I expected almost everyone to agree with me. Even though some of them didn’t, it still didn’t change who I was, and within a few days I started feeling like myself again. My fat ass isn’t going away any time soon, so the world might as well get used to it. And I never want to care what anyone else thinks of it again.
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      • Creative Pros 23 days ago
        I know it will be said....but Reddit is seriously not the right medium for that.
          see more
          • originall > Creative Pros 23 days ago
            Definitely, I recently became a "Redditor" and knew immediately what would come of this as soon as I read the title. Along with wondering how and why they replied the way they did you have to examine the who's and the whats. Some people on this site are known for what is called circle-jerking and fishing for karma. So when you have a site with a considerate amount of young hormone filled faceless boys, it becomes a perfect storm of what you experienced.
            Luckily not all of the site or the subreddit for that matter, is filled with these type of people, hence the mixed reaction you received for you pics.
            Good luck and as you alluded to in your post it gets easier as you get older and you literally learn to give less fucks. It's a blessing darling :)
              see more
              • CH1EF_QUEEF > Creative Pros 23 days ago
                Seriously, WHY would anyone do that and expect any other result than the one she got? Honey, you look perfectly fine and attractive. Nobody in real life is critiquing your appearance because nobody gives a crap. You just threw chum in a shark tank. For the sake of your own mental health, please don't do that again.
                  see more
                  • pierrots > Creative Pros 23 days ago
                    Who in the world would honestly believe a bunch of strangers sitting around rating each other is a good idea? It's the same thing as the hotornot site from way back. She gets zero sympathy from me to be honest. And what is she trying to achieve posting a picture of a herself again? M E S S.
                      see more
                  • ParisTiger 23 days ago
                    Thank you for writing this. It could not have been easy. Unpacking why so any of us seek validation from strangers is a worthwhile pursuit.
                    But to be honest, most of the people who put themselves up on the chopping block, so to speak, tend to fall within society's beauty standards and are just seeking validation that they are, in fact, "attractive." I see this all the time on Instagram. Those on my feed who ask the internet for constant feedback on their looks tend to be on the slimmer side, and either White or with European features. My friends who are larger or who are darker-skinned people never seem to do that.
                    Long story short, I think that you thought you fit society's definition of "hot" and "attractive" and wanted that validated. You were essentially fishing for compliments. When people were a--holes (on Reddit, who woulda thunk?!) you got upset. Lesson: Stop fishing for compliments. And as my Mom would advise (about everything), go read a book instead.
                      see more
                      • Dana Scully > ParisTiger 23 days ago
                        Hijacking this thread. Any good book recs?
                          see more
                        • SheWastheNazz > ParisTiger 23 days ago
                          Isn't this exactly the conclusion she came to in this article? Right down to her reasons for posting in Reddit?
                            see more
                            • ParisTiger > SheWastheNazz 23 days ago
                              Yes, true. I guess I wish that the author would own her narcissism a bit more explicitly, i.e., "I went on the internet trolling for compliments on my looks and it backfired."
                              In my mind she seems to suggest that her reason for posting on Reddit was due to low self-esteem. To me it seems like almost the opposite... The people I know who are actually self-conscious about their looks due to their size, their hair texture, the broadness of their nose, etc. barely upload pics of themselves to their own Facebook pages for fear of a--hole comments. This seems like a pretty girl wanting people to call her pretty on the interwebs and realizing people on said interwebs would rather be dicks than stroke her ego.
                                see more
                            • Atheros > ParisTiger 23 days ago
                              There's another side to that. Perhaps she honestly believed she wasn't attractive, even if people told her she fit into that "hot and attractive" mold?
                              The need for validation is pretty universal--very, VERY few people don't have it. Most of the ones that don't are sociopaths. The rest are hermits. I mean, until you walk out into a city naked, force yourself to vomit on a cop, and then fling some feces at a passerby, all because you felt like it, you haven't escaped the need for some kind of validation.
                              What I got from this was a young woman, unsure of how she felt about her body, seeking external validation because it is prioritized in a society that values popularity and passes it off as some sort of objective (as opposed to the subjective clusterfuck that it is). When she didn't get the validation she needed (that we all need in some form), she realized that she could validate herself and that she could seek validation from people who care about her.
                              Honestly, I think your post involved a whole lot of shallow thinking. I can see a possible pathway to how you arrived at your conclusion, but it's primary vector is bias--you've seen similar situations, this must be a similar situation. Good rhetoric, bad analysis, and in my opinion, wholly unfair to someone who is trying to learn from an experience.
                                see more
                                • ParisTiger > Atheros 23 days ago
                                  Ok, we'll have to agree to disagree.
                                  I think if she wore a size 20 dress size and had acne scars on her face she never would have posted to Reddit asking strangers if she was attractive. I legitimately think that she thinks she is conventionally attractive (she is) and wanted to bolster her ego by having strangers agree with her. When that didn't go according to plan (because Reddit) she got bummed.
                                  I don't think she posted asking strangers to weigh in on her attractiveness because she was really confused by whether she was attractive or not. I think she wanted strangers on the interwebs to be like "Damn, girl, you FINE" because she believes she's attractive and having people tell you that you are attractive feels good. And if she really thought lots of people would consider her unattractive and tell her so on the World Wide Web she never would have posted her pic on Reddit.
                                    see more
                                    • Boo > ParisTiger 23 days ago
                                      Exactly. I see a lot of my high school self in this article. I'm conventionally attractive and any time I was feeling insecure about some aspect of my appearance I would bring it up because I knew I looked conventionally attractive enough to get people to reassure and compliment me. If I gained a couple lbs I would tell my friends and ask if I still looked okay in my dress, knowing perfectly well that I looked fine and they would probably tell me I gained all the weight in my boobs anyway. It's not that I wasn't feeling insecure about the weight gain, but I never would have brought it up if I wasn't sure their response would be that I looked good.
                                        see more
                                        • Rachel > ParisTiger 22 days ago
                                          I also can't help but think that posting the story here is another way for her to seek the validation she didn't get from Reddit.
                                            see more
                                            • SybilJane > ParisTiger 19 days ago
                                              Yep. I had a friend growing up who was conventionally very attractive and did stuff like that allll the time. Me...well, I knew I was ugly so I had no need for validation. I have surprisingly high self esteem and am pretty happy with my life so at least I have that. I've learned not to focus on my looks and try to be happy in other ways.
                                                see more
                                              • Rachel R > Atheros 23 days ago
                                                There's a subreddit for that, though. It's called /r/amiugly. Some people there are dicks because, yes, it is still Reddit, but more often than not, commenters are gentle and offer up constructive criticism.
                                                  see more
                                                  • rock > Atheros 23 days ago
                                                    Thank you Atheros for this comment. I fully admit to being an idiot for wanting validation from other people. It's counter productive to anyone's well-being. Thanks for putting so much thought into what I wrote. It means a lot. -OP
                                                      see more
                                                      • Atheros > rock 23 days ago
                                                        Not a problem and I'm glad to hear that it means something to you. =)
                                                        Everyone needs external validation. And anyone who says they don't is either blatantly lying, or doesn't understand the concepts of "other people" and "validation."
                                                        But since we all crave it, there are two tricks:
                                                        pick who you ask for that validation, which it looks like you're on your way to figuring out! =)
                                                        And the second, less popular trick, is to learn to say "fuck you" significantly more often when you ask the wrong people. I'm still figuring that one out myself :P
                                                        So, in my opinion, don't call yourself an idiot for craving it. I saw nothing idiotic in your post. You made a mistake, not even a huge one. And you learned something from it in the process. If that's idiocy, the smartest, best people in the world are complete and total morons.
                                                          see more
                                                        • Charlotte > Atheros 19 days ago
                                                          Wow. It's pretty offensive that you view people who don't need validation from others as either hermits or sociopaths. There do exist people in this world who don't need the opinions of others to shape their days, who neither shut themselves up or lack morals. Is self-confidence really so rare from where you hail?
                                                            see more
                                                            • Atheros > Charlotte 18 days ago
                                                              You don't need your parents to tell you that they love you? That they're proud of you? What about your partner? Your friends?
                                                              You are confident enough, need no validation, to that point that you could walk outside naked? Handle getting arrested for it? You don't mind saying something stupid in front of someone you admire? Doing something humiliating in front of someone you hate?
                                                              There's a difference between needing external validation and letting it shape your life. There is a difference between self-confidence, and the daily bits of validation we need to remember that we exist. Remember--every time someone speaks to you, they are validating your existence. Could you accept no one ever speaking to you again? If every single person on the face of the planet decided to suddenly ignore you...
                                                              The need for validation affects us all to different extents, but it exists in everyone who doesn't have some sort of unusual ontology (RE: Hermits, Sociopaths, etc.)
                                                              And no. Self-confidence is not rare from where I hail. But it's a self confidence not born out of inconsiderate thought, but one hard won through thorough self-reflection--which is the kind of self-confidence most of the people bugging the OP seem to lack.
                                                              People who truly feel self confident in any given moment see no need to bring down other people. Those who do, are usually seeing something in themselves they don't like, or seeing a possible version of themselves they wouldn't like.
                                                              So, yeah.
                                                                see more
                                                          • Lady Gray 23 days ago
                                                            Wha????? You asked reddit to rate you and it wasn't nice?
                                                              see more
                                                            • ATWYSingle 23 days ago
                                                              Being a sensitive person who tries to think of other’s feelings in every
                                                              situation, the thought of deliberately going out of one’s way to bring
                                                              someone else down felt exceptionally cruel. It hurt.
                                                              But, were they really going out of their way to hurt your feelings or were they answering the question you asked by posting photos of yourself to what was basically a Hot or Not thread?
                                                              It's one thing if you wrote about something completely unrelated to your looks and people logged on strictly to write criticisms about your attractiveness. But you posted your photo on a thread that was asking people to rate you on your attractiveness, and so they did.
                                                              And now you've posted your photo here again, and now everybody will come in and tell you you're attractive. So, it's kind of a repeat of the cycle, no?
                                                              This would have had a much bigger impact had you not posted photos of yourself in the article. And before people go, "But...SELFIES ARE REQUIRED!" No, they're not.
                                                                see more
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