What the fuck is this?

No, really. What the fuck is this?

I was wandering around Walmart of all places and found a bunch of cheap Batman tee shirts to add to my collection. (Yes, they were in the juniors section. No, you may not judge me. I am the only one allowed to judge here.)

In the back of a rack, I saw a flash of the Batman symbol. I also saw pink. Normally I hate pink Batman stuff but I wanted to see the shirt before I decided to hate it. I dug my hand in the back of the rack and pulled out this shirt.

And now I have some questions.

Batman Doesn’t Have a Wife

Batman isn’t the marrying kind. He has too much baggage for a successful relationship. His life is too dangerous. So “training” for that position is just stupid.

And what would Batman’s wife even do? What are you training for? Besides trying to ignore her husband constantly having flirtations with evil villainesses? Besides pick up Batman’s tux from the cleaners for yet another fancy party somewhere? Besides picking up his utility belt when he leaves it on the floor of the bat cave? Besides making sandwiches for him and Robin when they get back from a night of kicking ass?

Dude, that’s Alfred’s job.

Fuck being Batman’s wife. I want to be Batman. I want to wear a skintight bat suit the color of dark justice. I want a utility belt. I want to drive an impossibly fast car or a tricked out motocycle. I want to save people. I want to be the biggest badass in Gotham. I want to be talking to someone at a boring party at the mayor’s house, see the bat signal over someone’s shoulder, and say “Excuse me. Someone’s calling me.”

Don’t Buy This Shirt For Your Kid. . . Or Anyone Else

The idea that you should settle for being married to or sleeping with someone awesome instead of being the awesome person is insulting. This just happens to be aimed at a young girl. I resent the idea that she should “train” to be so Batman’s wife. I’d rather her train to be the Joker, Penguin, or Catwoman. At least she’d be doing her own thing.

Let’s want better for ourselves and the people we love buy tee shirts for.

I left that shirt at the store and I hope you did, too.