Going to the movie theater to work out: fat activism, playing videogames and a love letter to a dear friend
Posted by
GuerrillaFem
on Wednesday, August 20, 2014 · Leave a Comment
Andy Bruce
[TW: ableism, fatshaming, fitness]
![Caption: “Nah, na, na, na, na, na! My combo is better than yours!” Description: [Image: A ¾ view of a red In the Groove 2 video game cabinet. On a ledge attached to the machine is a short cylindrical hard container, mostly yellow with an eyeball centered on the top. On the cabinet’s digital screen screen: a dark grey background, top and center is the word “INSTRUCTIONS” in red lettering. Under the word “INSTRUCTIONS”, to the left, a line four white directional arrows: left, down, up and right. Still on screen, under the set of arrows is a lighter grey square with directional arrows in a cross formation: the up and down arrows are red and the left and right arrows are blue. Under the cabinet screen are two side-by-side sets of four buttons in a cross formation: a top rectangular green button, a bottom red rectangular button. In the background a yellow UFO catcher arcade cabinet.]](https://archive.today/o/lAsjz/http://www.guerrillafem.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/TheMachine.jpg)
Caption: “Nah, na, na, na, na, na! My combo is better than yours!” [Image: A ¾ view of a red In the Groove 2 video game cabinet. On a ledge attached to the machine is a short cylindrical hard container, mostly yellow with an eyeball centered on the top. On the cabinet’s digital screen screen: a dark grey background, top and center is the word “INSTRUCTIONS” in red lettering. Under the word “INSTRUCTIONS”, to the left, a line four white directional arrows: left, down, up and right. Still on screen, under the set of arrows is a lighter grey square with directional arrows in a cross formation: the up and down arrows are red and the left and right arrows are blue. Under the cabinet screen are two side-by-side sets of four buttons in a cross formation: a top rectangular green button, a bottom red rectangular button. In the background a yellow UFO catcher arcade cabinet.]
My good friend Kelly Bennett is one of the most amazing people I know: they have have been a gigantic source of support, inspiration, friendship, and social justice knowledge. I love them to bits. Every time we talk about self-care they always remind me:
“Continuing to exist in a world that marginalizes and oppresses on a day to day basis is activism.”
I am not going to credit Kelly with coining this ideology but I do thank them for bringing this healing philosophy into my life. I always value Kelly’s advice but sometimes I don’t have the lightbulb moment right away.
Whenever exhibiting self-care I feel guilty that I can’t always back-up a friend having it out with a poop-head. I feel bad when I am too tired or too upset to talk with someone asking me to “chat” about some form of social justice. I learned the hard way that I need to disengage or I get too burnt out, too on edge or too distraught and I am not of any use to anyone, including myself. I acknowledge my privilege because I have the choice to disengage but I still feel selfish for going away and doing things I love, like playing video games.
Because of my size I feel a bit awkward when it comes to fat activism and speaking out. Full disclosure, I sit around a size 14-16 pants and plus-size tops are baggy. Even when I was a competitive swimmer swimming 22 hours/week and attending national level competitions I never dropped below a 12. I have trouble finding clothing because I tend to exist in the gray area between plus size and non-plus size stores; too small for plus size 14 but not quite small enough for the size 14 in other stores. Most of the time I default to small “male” geek themed t-shirts and jeans from Old Navy.
I probably play too many video games. I play pretty much every genre of game but I really LOVE rhythm games;
Dance Dance Revolution,
Bust-A-Move/Bust-A-Groove, Elite Beat Agents,
Pop’n Music, I love them all. I also hate exercise.
So I hate exercise? What does that have to do with rhythm games and fat activism? I have leveraged my love of rhythm games to trick myself into supplementing my regular physical activity by playing
Dance Dance Revolution
and, more often, its clone In the Groove
(ITG).
The best local dance game machine is an
ITG2
machine located in the small arcade of a movie theater. Two to three times a week I go to the theater with my male partner and we stomp our hearts out on the metal pads. We are okay at the game, scoring over 85% on 9-10 difficulties. The layman thinks we are good. People who play ITG
regularly know 13+ difficulty is worthy of praise.
![Caption: Our local In The Groove 2 cabinet. Description: [Image: A ¾ view of the digital results screen of an In the Groove 2 game cabinet. To and center, cut in half, is the image of a rainbow, outlined in red. On the far right hand corner of the screen a small rectangle outlined in red with “11 Hard” written in red on the inside. Two rectangles outlined in white separate Player 1 and Player 2’s results. Inside the right side rectangle, in the top right corner of Player 1’s rectangle is a large “A+”. Beside the A+ are three lines of text: the top line reads in a small white text reads “4x, Overhead, Cel”, a middle line in medium sized yellow text reads “87.54%” and the bottom line in a small green text reads “Machine Record #3”. Under the A+ and three lines of text is a graph in yellow and green. Under the graph is a blue bar that reads “505” and next to it, a yellow bar. Under the bars is a red line. Below the red line are two white boxes side-by-side. The left hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Fantastic 405”, “Excellent 219”, “Great 81”, “Decent 0”, “0”, and “3”. The right hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Jumps 48/49”, “Holds 115/115”, “Mines 8/8”, “Hands 0/0”, “Rolls 1/1” and “Max Combo 505”. Inside the left side rectangle, in the top right corner of Player 2’s rectangle is a large “B+”. Beside the B+ are four lines of text: the top line reads in a small white text reads “5.5x, 655% Min., Overhead”, a line in a small white text reads “Cel”, a line in medium sized yellow text reads “76.33%” and the bottom line in a small green text reads “Machine Record #6”. Under the B+ and three lines of text is a graph in green. Under the graph is a blue bar that reads “447” and next to it, a multiple green bars. Under the bars is a red line. Below the red line are two white boxes side-by-side. The left hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Fantastic 317”, “Excellent 211”, “Great 153”, “Decent 9”, “Way Off 3”, and “Miss 13”. The right hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Jumps 48/49”, “Holds 115/115”, “Mines 8/8”, “Hands 0/0”, “Rolls 1/1” and “Max Combo 447”. At the bottom of the screen centered is a green rectangle beside the words “to continue” in white]](https://archive.today/o/lAsjz/http://www.guerrillafem.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/BiggerCombo.jpg)
Caption: Our local In The Groove 2 cabinet.
Description:
[Image: A ¾ view of the digital results screen of an In the Groove 2 game cabinet. To and center, cut in half, is the image of a rainbow, outlined in red. On the far right hand corner of the screen a small rectangle outlined in red with “11 Hard” written in red on the inside. Two rectangles outlined in white separate Player 1 and Player 2’s results.
Inside the right side rectangle, in the top right corner of Player 1’s rectangle is a large “A+”. Beside the A+ are three lines of text: the top line reads in a small white text reads “4x, Overhead, Cel”, a middle line in medium sized yellow text reads “87.54%” and the bottom line in a small green text reads “Machine Record #3”. Under the A+ and three lines of text is a graph in yellow and green. Under the graph is a blue bar that reads “505” and next to it, a yellow bar. Under the bars is a red line. Below the red line are two white boxes side-by-side. The left hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Fantastic 405”, “Excellent 219”, “Great 81”, “Decent 0”, “0”, and “3”. The right hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Jumps 48/49”, “Holds 115/115”, “Mines 8/8”, “Hands 0/0”, “Rolls 1/1” and “Max Combo 505”.
Inside the left side rectangle, in the top right corner of Player 2’s rectangle is a large “B+”. Beside the B+ are four lines of text: the top line reads in a small white text reads “5.5x, 655% Min., Overhead”, a line in a small white text reads “Cel”, a line in medium sized yellow text reads “76.33%” and the bottom line in a small green text reads “Machine Record #6”. Under the B+ and three lines of text is a graph in green. Under the graph is a blue bar that reads “447” and next to it, a multiple green bars. Under the bars is a red line. Below the red line are two white boxes side-by-side. The left hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Fantastic 317”, “Excellent 211”, “Great 153”, “Decent 9”, “Way Off 3”, and “Miss 13”. The right hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Jumps 48/49”, “Holds 115/115”, “Mines 8/8”, “Hands 0/0”, “Rolls 1/1” and “Max Combo 447”.
At the bottom of the screen centered is a green rectangle beside the words “to continue” in white]
Description:
[Image: A ¾ view of the digital results screen of an In the Groove 2 game cabinet. To and center, cut in half, is the image of a rainbow, outlined in red. On the far right hand corner of the screen a small rectangle outlined in red with “11 Hard” written in red on the inside. Two rectangles outlined in white separate Player 1 and Player 2’s results.
Inside the right side rectangle, in the top right corner of Player 1’s rectangle is a large “A+”. Beside the A+ are three lines of text: the top line reads in a small white text reads “4x, Overhead, Cel”, a middle line in medium sized yellow text reads “87.54%” and the bottom line in a small green text reads “Machine Record #3”. Under the A+ and three lines of text is a graph in yellow and green. Under the graph is a blue bar that reads “505” and next to it, a yellow bar. Under the bars is a red line. Below the red line are two white boxes side-by-side. The left hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Fantastic 405”, “Excellent 219”, “Great 81”, “Decent 0”, “0”, and “3”. The right hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Jumps 48/49”, “Holds 115/115”, “Mines 8/8”, “Hands 0/0”, “Rolls 1/1” and “Max Combo 505”.
Inside the left side rectangle, in the top right corner of Player 2’s rectangle is a large “B+”. Beside the B+ are four lines of text: the top line reads in a small white text reads “5.5x, 655% Min., Overhead”, a line in a small white text reads “Cel”, a line in medium sized yellow text reads “76.33%” and the bottom line in a small green text reads “Machine Record #6”. Under the B+ and three lines of text is a graph in green. Under the graph is a blue bar that reads “447” and next to it, a multiple green bars. Under the bars is a red line. Below the red line are two white boxes side-by-side. The left hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Fantastic 317”, “Excellent 211”, “Great 153”, “Decent 9”, “Way Off 3”, and “Miss 13”. The right hand box has results that read in a list (The numbers are yellow and the rest of the text is white): “Jumps 48/49”, “Holds 115/115”, “Mines 8/8”, “Hands 0/0”, “Rolls 1/1” and “Max Combo 447”.
At the bottom of the screen centered is a green rectangle beside the words “to continue” in white]
Playing is sometimes emotionally very difficult. I am insecure about playing in such a public space. My insecurity has a few components:
1-I’m female doing a physical activity which attracts attention.
2-I’m a fat female doing physical activity which attracts attention.
3-I’m a fat female who sweats mega-buckets (I have been asked why my face was weeping) doing physical activity which attracts attention.
I have been videotaped without consent by an former friend (he claims to have deleted the footage but I am not entirely convinced that this was an isolated incident nor that the footage was deleted). I am fairly certain I have been photographed and filmed by strangers behind my back. While playing I have been mocked and laughed at. The paranoia of being mocked doesn’t help me feel any more secure.
One day I caught a little girl watching me, smiling and pointing me out to her mother. Not my partner, me. Another time a little boy went up to my partner and said “You’re pretty good but she’s better.” Last night a little girl kept pulling her dad back to watch me play. I waved at her and gave her a thumbs up one of the times I caught her staring at me. She smiled shyly at me. Each time I remembered what Kelly said:
“Continuing to exist in a world that marginalizes and oppresses on a day to day basis is activism.”
In a world where girls are still fighting for respect in the geek community and fat people are challenging outdated medical opinions just so they can be seen as people, this is activism. If one young person sees me not giving a shit, enjoying myself, sweating my cares away playing a videogame and thinks about how society sees gender and fat, I win.
![Caption: Trust me, this is mild and I am wearing a Batman tank top. Description: [Image: 90% of the image is taken up by a white woman from the shoulders up. She is in her early 30’s and is visibly sweaty with multiple sweat drops rolling down her face. She is flushed. The woman has blue eyes, brown hair and thick black rimmed glasses which have fallen down her nose. A piece of sweat soaked hair is hanging down in the middle of her face. She has no discernable emotion or expression. She is wearing a thin silver chain around her neck and has two sets of wide tank top straps: the top set is black and the under set is magenta. In the background is the screen of an In The Groove 2 arcade cabinet with a list of songs on screen in white text.]](https://archive.today/o/lAsjz/http://www.guerrillafem.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Sweaty.jpg)
Caption: Trust me, this is mild and I am wearing a Batman tank top.
Description:
[Image: 90% of the image is taken up by a white woman from the shoulders up. She is in her early 30’s and is visibly sweaty with multiple sweat drops rolling down her face. She is flushed. The woman has blue eyes, brown hair and thick black rimmed glasses which have fallen down her nose. A piece of sweat soaked hair is hanging down in the middle of her face. She has no discernable emotion or expression. She is wearing a thin silver chain around her neck and has two sets of wide tank top straps: the top set is black and the under set is magenta. In the background is the screen of an In The Groove 2 arcade cabinet with a list of songs on screen in white text.]
Description:
[Image: 90% of the image is taken up by a white woman from the shoulders up. She is in her early 30’s and is visibly sweaty with multiple sweat drops rolling down her face. She is flushed. The woman has blue eyes, brown hair and thick black rimmed glasses which have fallen down her nose. A piece of sweat soaked hair is hanging down in the middle of her face. She has no discernable emotion or expression. She is wearing a thin silver chain around her neck and has two sets of wide tank top straps: the top set is black and the under set is magenta. In the background is the screen of an In The Groove 2 arcade cabinet with a list of songs on screen in white text.]
Some days when I go play
ITG
I now say: FUCK my insecurities and FUCK anyone who thinks I am selfish for indulging in my video games. Somedays going to the theater, playing a video game, becoming a sweaty hot mess and taking a selfie in the Batman workout gear I got from Walmart is activist enough.
_________________________
Andy Bruce is a Biochemistry B.Sc. graduate and former animator. Dog owner and sometimes output-er of some things that resemble visual arts of sorts. Comic fan, gamer, pseudo-competitive Magic: The Gathering player, former WoW player and former otaku.
Andy Bruce is a Biochemistry B.Sc. graduate and former animator. Dog owner and sometimes output-er of some things that resemble visual arts of sorts. Comic fan, gamer, pseudo-competitive Magic: The Gathering player, former WoW player and former otaku.Copyright © 2014 · All Rights Reserved · Guerrilla Feminism
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