victims frequently try to convince themselves that they weren't violated, as part of the coping process.

Frequently? How frequently? How do you distinguish this effect from a false positive in the Koss classification? You cannot simply ignore the opinion of the victim, when that opinion can ultimately decide if the crime has taken place. This is exactly what Ts'o is talking about - a lack of precision that could lead to misleading uses of the term. You've also cherry-picked from one of many statements - the spirit of his argument is that rape is not one thing, not one nightmarish extreme. It is lack of consent, and that comes in many forms, most far more casual than people would suspect. If two drunken people have sex, they have raped each other because they both lack the capacity for consent. Should we think of this the same way as a violent rape at knifepoint? No, to do so is either absurd or insulting. Uncomfortable as it is to consider, rape happens in degrees. The law acknowledges this - "forcible" and "aggravated" rape definitions exist. His point is that people seem to gladly ignore them and consider all rape "equal". The blowback from his comments is evidence of this. Which I'll say, again, is incredibly insulting to victims.

I know that everyone has a fear that giving an inch means the misogynists and actual rape apologists will take a mile. That does not mean inflated statistics or inflated warnings are justified. Misrepresenting the issue actually helps these bastards because it means they can frame you as hysterical rather than rational.

Im sceptical whether you have even given any thought to this.

Just the kind of condescending nonsense that poisons rational discussion. Please try to avoid making this personal, rape is already a sensitive enough issue.