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(NSFW) Getting Screwed Thousand Times (self.Jokes)

imanc18 が 投稿

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. " She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

...

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

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[–]TheEnKrypt 1676 ポイント1677 ポイント

Well, looks like Johnny's cheap tricks finally worked.

[–]conradical30 1128 ポイント1129 ポイント

bravo, dude... bravo

[–]SuckMyDax 167 ポイント168 ポイント

Johnny on the spot with that fucking pun.

[–]CGiMoose 39 ポイント40 ポイント

I'll hook you up, whadya need boss?

[–]NickFolzie 27 ポイント28 ポイント

Sorry, can't make it right now!

[–]KingLucas45 16 ポイント17 ポイント

I'll bring it by.

[–]Swaggy4jesus 8 ポイント9 ポイント

Okay! I got stuff to do!

[–]Ostriching 4 ポイント5 ポイント

I'll get there as soon as I can!

[–]darklordwaffle 3 ポイント4 ポイント

Well done.

[–]MR_sunflower 2 ポイント3 ポイント

My daddy died and left me all he's got.

[–]falshami 1 ポイント2 ポイント

Bravo... Johnny Bravo....

[–]last_idea 4 ポイント5 ポイント

That was painful.. >_<

コメントをもっと表示する (28 返事)

    [–]Abohir 25 ポイント26 ポイント

    Phase 1 of plan complete, but now what...

    [–]ReptarSonOfGodzilla 39 ポイント40 ポイント

    eehhhhhh MA MA

    [–]delusions- 22 ポイント23 ポイント

    eyyyyy pretty mama

    [–]GrouchyMcSurly 12 ポイント13 ポイント

    ... are you japanese?

    [–]Johannes_Joestar 35 ポイント36 ポイント

    Oh my god, Grouch. You can't just ask people if they're Japanese.

    [–]GrouchyMcSurly 15 ポイント16 ポイント

    I... I'm sorry... What I meant to say was "ReptarSonOfGodzilla, are you Asian-American?"

    [–]KernelTaint 4 ポイント5 ポイント

    What makes you think he's American?

    [–]GrouchyMcSurly 0 ポイント1 ポイント

    I was just kidding/making a forced political correctness joke!

    [–]vapebig13 0 ポイント1 ポイント

    I wish I had gold, I would give it all to you for this!!

    [–]Johndough99999 2 ポイント3 ポイント

    No, but I think I'm turning...

    [–]WhatTheFhtagn 0 ポイント1 ポイント

    I know I act a fool but

    [–]Jdomingo22 6 ポイント7 ポイント

    Opening this link on mobile.... Suddenly a cutout of Johny covers my screen

    [–]rickscarf 2 ポイント3 ポイント

    I don't recall seeing a transparent image on mobile reddit before. Was happily surprised.

    [–]TheEnKrypt 0 ポイント1 ポイント

    I wasn't aware that it was transparent myself.

    You're welcome.

    [–]FUCKYOURPUSSYHOLE 2 ポイント3 ポイント

    Hu hwa

    Hu

    [–]showersintears 1 ポイント2 ポイント

    somebody photo-shop a bunch of coins being thrown from his hands.

    [–]calvinswagg 517 ポイント518 ポイント

    45 minutes... That's pretty impressive.

    [–]sprucenoose 349 ポイント350 ポイント

    He only needed £100 of change to do her. The boyfriend had to get greedy though. The guy probably finished early, then felt bad and just helped helped her pick up the rest of the change he tricked her with.

    [–]Slbarnett97 305 ポイント306 ポイント

    That fictional guy did probably do that.

    [–]Faladorable 12 ポイント13 ポイント

    That's what I hated the most about english class When people try to imagine stuff that the writer didn't say "Maybe after he got to the cave he found his long lost horse"

    NO BITCH

    THE STORY ENDED THERE

    THERE'S NOTHING ELSE

    [–]The_Great_Kal 12 ポイント13 ポイント

    To be fair, if you get into a story, you might wonder these things. Like a couple argues next to you in a restaurant and one gets up and storms off. Unless they end up in the news the next day, they're pretty much out of your life. You're telling me there's no chance you'd wonder where they were going or what they were doing? That's not a fictional example, but they're strangers and likely will stay that way. It's not like you're going to investigate. So at best, you just wonder what might be happening. That's what it's like with stories. The window closes on a stranger's life and not every question's been answered. Even the dumb questions.

    Tl;dr, to be fair, I am posting regarding a dumb joke about banging your secretary, but I get it.

    [–]Miindlapse 2 ポイント3 ポイント

    Not only that but a good writer will have anticipated (or attempt to anticipate) the impressions that the reader receives through reading the writing, and will have carefully crafted their writing with precise intentions of certain impressions that are not written explicitly.

    [–]syphonmax 1 ポイント2 ポイント

    So, what about fanfic then?

    コメントをもっと表示する (1 返事)

      [–]Apocalyte64 12 ポイント13 ポイント

      Man this guy is clever! He saw right through that! Wooowee!

      :/

      コメントをもっと表示する (61 返事)

        [–]GingerRabbitt 389 ポイント390 ポイント

        What the fuck are these comments

        [–]I_cant_speel 98 ポイント99 ポイント

        Good thing school is almost back in session.

        [–]NarstyHobbitses 292 ポイント293 ポイント

        Cause that always solves the problem of idiots on the internet

        [–]EnvisionRed 150 ポイント151 ポイント

        Yeah, since kids literally can't go on the internet during the school year.

        [–]traizie 23 ポイント24 ポイント

        This was posted 5 hours ago on a tuesday. Kids WOULD be in school right now

        [–]_the_halfman_ 86 ポイント87 ポイント

        I'm currently in my AMDM class. High school is but a slight hindrance to my redditing.

        [–]Not_a_vegan_ 44 ポイント45 ポイント

        we all know thats code for MDMA.

        been courting molly eh? shame on you, son.

        [–]Aardvarkinaviators 3 ポイント4 ポイント

        Let's be honest though AMDM hardley counts as school though

        [–]taurine26 0 ポイント1 ポイント

        Get on his level!

        [–]Trini_redd_Mk_II -1 ポイント0 ポイント

        Lol. Touchè

        [–]ClemClem510 8 ポイント9 ポイント

        Lol, it's touché, French has like 4 accents

        [–]Trini_redd_Mk_II 11 ポイント12 ポイント

        I was doing the Belgian one. The è is tht way in Belgian.

        Source: I'm talking bullshit and the other e came first in my options.

        [–]Jon-Osterman 0 ポイント1 ポイント

        That's Chinese. French has 3.

        [–]ClemClem510 3 ポイント4 ポイント

        é è ê ë I count 4

        コメントをもっと表示する (1 返事)

          [–]Trinitykill 11 ポイント12 ポイント

          In your time zone perhaps

          [–]Canihaveyourmilk 1 ポイント2 ポイント

          Which means they are even more likely to be on reddit.

          [–]BirdofPrey343 0 ポイント1 ポイント

          It's actually in a week or two, I think.

          [–]shaneathan 0 ポイント1 ポイント

          It depends. One of my nieces is already back, other ones don't go back till the 25Th

          [–]ILikePuhtaytoes 0 ポイント1 ポイント

          That depends on where you live...

          [–]Blackwind123 0 ポイント1 ポイント

          Southern hemisphere people have been in school for a while now.

          [–]tibialgnu5 0 ポイント1 ポイント

          And? They would still be able to post on breaks.

          コメントをもっと表示する (1 返事)

            コメントをもっと表示する (5 返事)

              [–]Idoontkno 0 ポイント1 ポイント

              I can't wait til internet school is back in session, guffaw!

              [–]Juicysteak117 12 ポイント13 ポイント

              I don't get why people say this. I still go to school, and I'm on reddit just as much as when I'm out or not.

              [–]ewk_is_a_faggot 0 ポイント1 ポイント

              I am in school.

              コメントをもっと表示する (1 返事)

                [–]gaso 1 ポイント2 ポイント

                The cesspool of the internet...

                コメントをもっと表示する (7 返事)

                  [–]dijabooty 173 ポイント174 ポイント

                  I hate when I confuse /r/jokes posts with /r/tifu

                  [–]willsilent 44 ポイント45 ポイント

                  Well to be fair, both are a nice read until you realize what subreddit you're in.

                  [–]aquafemme 12 ポイント13 ポイント

                  But they all begin with TIFU..

                  [–]Peas320 25 ポイント26 ポイント

                  But they all begin with TIFU..

                  But they all begin with "This was actually some time last month..."

                  FTFY

                  [–]flugsibinator 5 ポイント6 ポイント

                  This was about 6 years ago...

                  [–]ImGladDobbieDied 5 ポイント6 ポイント

                  "This actually happened to my friend in 1986, but what the hell right?"

                  [–]Conexion 1 ポイント2 ポイント

                  "A long time ago in a galaxy far,

                  far away...."

                  [–]Miindlapse 1 ポイント2 ポイント

                  "This didn't even happen, but it's possible that this exact scenario could happen to me in the future"

                  コメントをもっと表示する (1 返事)

                    [–]Woozl 81 ポイント82 ポイント

                    Belong?

                    [–]Sloppy1sts 140 ポイント141 ポイント

                    There is never any reason for the NSFW tag to be used in r/jokes.

                    [–]umbral_moonshine 11 ポイント12 ポイント

                    Well if you think there's never any reason for the NSFW tag, then you can just ignore it when you see it on /r/jokes. They're useful for other people.

                    [–]noneabove1182 24 ポイント25 ポイント

                    A sexually explicit joke might be valid, I wouldn't want to read a particularly raunchy joke in front of my parents or anything like that... This joke wasn't of that level but I think saying its never needed is wrong

                    [–]brocahantas 56 ポイント57 ポイント

                    Who sees something and instantly starts reading it out loud to other people before knowing what it is?

                    [–]EuphemismTreadmill 5 ポイント6 ポイント

                    the very naive

                    [–]elle989 1 ポイント2 ポイント

                    They ask me what I'm reading, so I start reading out loud. If they hear something they don't want to, too bad.

                    [–]fork_yuu 0 ポイント1 ポイント

                    Twist: His parents can read minds

                    [–]noneabove1182 2 ポイント3 ポイント

                    tons of people i know, besides i mean there are other applications, filtering for example. I just don't see the big deal with something being marked NSFW here, does it take away from your ability to read and appreciate the joke?

                    [–]DigitalChocobo 5 ポイント6 ポイント

                    It takes away from the usefulness of the tag when people start putting on things that aren't even close to NSFW.

                    [–]Mentally_ill_hippo 2 ポイント3 ポイント

                    No, I just expected it to actually be NSFW and avoided it like the plague until I got home.

                    [–]noneabove1182 4 ポイント5 ポイント

                    I'm sorry but I'm not going to feel bad that you couldn't read a joke at work cause you were afraid it was NSFW and it turned out not to be...

                    [–]brocahantas 0 ポイント1 ポイント

                    Word. Any text based posts marked NSFW just seem like they're using that to get people's attention.

                    コメントをもっと表示する (1 返事)

                      [–]gmancometh 6 ポイント7 ポイント

                      Yeah grandma, people submit jokes and other people vote on them, here I'll read one to you. The top one should be good, 'getting fucked a thousand times' it doesn't have a 'not safe for work tag' so it can't be explicit at all I will just read the entire thing out loud right now.

                      [–]noneabove1182 0 ポイント1 ポイント

                      did you even read what i said? I essentially said it didn't apply here but saying that you NEVER need it is wrong, there are tons of jokes that have an innocent title and start off sounding innocent but aren't at all.

                      [–]stickyystuff 3 ポイント4 ポイント

                      Not safe for work

                      Tell your prude parents to shove it or block in the interwebs if they don't like it.

                      [–]InfanticideAquifer 4 ポイント5 ポイント

                      Sexually explicit jokes are also not appropriate for most workplaces. But, regardless, "NSFW" just means "sexual content". And "NSFL" means gore. That's just what those abbreviations mean now.

                      [–]stickyystuff 0 ポイント1 ポイント

                      You missed reading the comment I replied to saying his parents might be looking over his computer screen reading /r/Jokes

                      Do you work with your parents?

                      [–]Not_a_vegan_ 1 ポイント2 ポイント

                      youve obviously never been on a job site.

                      [–]MrGMinor 3 ポイント4 ポイント

                      I'mma bee, I'mma bee, I'mma I'mma I'mma bee, I'mma bee, I'mma bee, bee, I'mma I'mma bee.

                      [–]InfanticideAquifer 0 ポイント1 ポイント

                      None of my jobs have involved locations that were called "sites", no. I'm a teaching assistant at a university.

                      コメントをもっと表示する (3 返事)

                        [–]DragonRaptor 0 ポイント1 ポイント

                        that's why i click anyways, not like it actually stops you from opening it if you see it's a self post, I always just open them anyways since I know they are just text.

                        [–]redditlinkfixerbot -5 ポイント-4 ポイント

                        /r/jokes

                        I am an automated bot. To have me not reply to your comments anymore, send "Please blacklist me from redditlinkfixerbot!" in the body of a private message.

                        [–]422blame 16 ポイント17 ポイント

                        But we're already here...

                        [–]PM_ME_UR_ThisIsDumb 15 ポイント16 ポイント

                        ^ Most helpful bot 2014 ^

                        コメントをもっと表示する (1 返事)

                          [–]liontamarin 24 ポイント25 ポイント

                          You ruined the punchline in the title.

                          [–]bathroomstalin 54 ポイント55 ポイント

                          It also makes barely sense

                          [–]middbro 57 ポイント58 ポイント

                          So does comment your

                          [–]bathroomstalin 12 ポイント13 ポイント

                          Open your pants - Take off your mind!

                          [–]EuphemismTreadmill 3 ポイント4 ポイント

                          Damnit, I read both of these without seeing anything askew. I think I'm getting dyslexic.

                          [–]ilikeeatingbrains 2 ポイント3 ポイント

                          ehu ehu ehu

                          [–]ScrithWire 3 ポイント4 ポイント

                          cents

                          [–]bathroomstalin 0 ポイント1 ポイント

                          *dollarydoos

                          [–]iMrDot 3 ポイント4 ポイント

                          You think so? Now bend over and pick up those coins so we can pay OP to fix the damn title.

                          [–]ilikeeatingbrains 4 ポイント5 ポイント

                          Cumshots arced over my back as I rolled into the cubicle on the left. I quickly barricaded the opening with a hastily scibbled picture. I took one last look at /u/liontamarin's jizzmangled corpse and dove through the window. As I fell, the Internet Police sprayed downvotes and ejaculate out the window after me. This could be my last stand.

                          [–]Fleckeri 1 ポイント2 ポイント

                          The title would be pretty clever if it were $200 instead of £200, because "getting screwed thousand times" rhymes almost exactly with "getting two thousand dimes," and 2,000 dimes = $200.

                          [–]G3n0c1de 1 ポイント2 ポイント

                          /r/titlegore

                          コメントをもっと表示する (1 返事)

                            [–]alternateonding 1 ポイント2 ポイント

                            You can pretty much guess the punchline half way through.

                            [–]gnice3d 4 ポイント5 ポイント

                            "Pen-nie-ie-ies.... Ev-er-ree-where-uh-uh-uh-uuh"

                            [–]maximenz 4 ポイント5 ポイント

                            This joke is funny. The comments however, funnier.

                            [–]5unbr0 -3 ポイント-2 ポイント

                            she belonged to someone else

                            belonged

                            U wot m8

                            [–]pornstar_writer 4 ポイント5 ポイント

                            http://i.imgur.com/YWv9Pt2.jpg

                            [–]5unbr0 2 ポイント3 ポイント

                            Damn. Kinda fucked up.

                            [–]pornstar_writer 3 ポイント4 ポイント

                            http://www.tmz.com/2014/08/12/war-machine-christy-mack-death-threats-tattoo/

                            Watch the video

                            [–]5unbr0 2 ポイント3 ポイント

                            Pretty fucked up doesn't cut it.. I don't mean to pry into other's relationships but that one looks pretty messed up.

                            Also 18 broken bones and a ruptured kidney, fuck! You could get hit by multiple cars and come out less fucked up.

                            [–]pornstar_writer 11 ポイント12 ポイント

                            When I say pornstars are unstable, unhealthy, self-destructive and attracting negativity by the very nature of their identities; people on Reddit just downvote and insult me.

                            Porn is overwhelmingly seen as healthy and even cool by the vast, vast majority of Redditors. I've been in the business for over a decade and yet I'm a huge asshole for sharing anything I know about the business. How DARE I talk about someone I don't know and a business I know nothing about!

                            On Reddit if you're not famous, nobody gives a shit what you have to say. If it is unpopular, nobody will listen.

                            I did a bunch of research on those two, this just scratches the surface of their public abuse of each other. Look at the tattoo of the small skull on Christie's hand, War Machine and her got it to celebrate their first abortion.

                            These two are perfect for each other.

                            He comes across as a villain because he used violence to have power over her. She comes across as a saint, yet she uses her sex to have power over others. Opposite sides of a very similar coin.

                            Both got massive attention for playing their characters in public.

                            [–]5unbr0 0 ポイント1 ポイント

                            Dude/tte I don't are what others say/rate; that actually sounds quite interesting!

                            Would you mind sharing some of your knowledge on the matter? Or even have an AMA?

                            I personally think that porn is unhealthy, but I unfortunately am a consumer.

                            P.s: really need to get some sleep now (5h until work but would love to read/talk sbout that later today/anytime you can!)

                            P.p.s: upvoted because haters gonna hate

                            [–]pornstar_writer 1 ポイント2 ポイント

                            Reddit always gets a huge hard-on to hate me, so I will casually turn down the AMA.

                            Porn is a meat-grinder of a business. If anyone you know that you care about wants to perform in it, advise against it

                            [–]jott44 -3 ポイント-2 ポイント

                            Started reading it in Canadian English. Changed to British English after the £

                            [–]Architectphonic -2 ポイント-1 ポイント

                            But she belonged to someone else...

                            EHHHHH

                            [–]Loki_Doki -5 ポイント-4 ポイント

                            Hahaha. Johnny didn't pay for anything. She called her boy friend while Johnny was balls deep inside her. Johnny thinks it's weird, but it gets her super wet. Plus he met her boyfriend at last years Christmas party. He was a jerk who kept making autism jokes about Johnny, who's actually just quiet and reserved. Turns out though, Johnny is autistic. Autistic for pussy. Biotch.

                            コメントをもっと表示する (67 返事)