Journey to the Sacred Heart

trigger warning: singletism, ableism, fat shaming, transfat shaming, cutting, doctors, hospital, mental hospital

Jenn here. Sorry I haven’t been posting. I recently suffered a terrible injustice at the hands of a bunch of singletist, ableist bigots. It all started when I was having dinner at my parents house. My mother inevitably made several cruel remarks about my weight, my veganism, and the amount of food I was eating. She started talking talking about the possibility of decreasing my food allowance even more or cutting it all together and buying all my groceries herself. Eventually, she told me I needed to see a different therapist as well as a nutritionist because apparently purposefully gaining weight is insane. According to her transfatness isn’t real and I am just addicted to food. 

I was furious but I tried to stay calm for the sake of my headmates as well as for the sake of my food allowance. Derek was present and listening the entire time. Derek hates the body and resents being trapped in it. He is also very prone to harming it. At some point I lost control. Derek took over and swore at my mom then ran to the bathroom. Algoral, Carlotta, Momo, Toshi, and I were present the entire time. Derek found a razor and started cutting. He hadn’t bothered to lock the door. My mom found him and wrestled the razor out of our hand while my dad dialed 911. 

I ended up fronting at the hospital. A lot of what happened is a blur. I tried to explain that I wasn’t self harming and that I am part of a multiple system. The doctor had no idea what I was talking about and asked my parents if I had been evaluated for schizophrenia. My parents basically told the doctor that I fake DID for attention. 

The doctor forced me to be put on a 72 hour hold. The mental hospital was a separate hospital so I had to be taken there in an ambulance. I honestly don’t want to recall too much about it. Let’s just say that the medical and mental health system in this country is deeply, deeply ableist as well as singletist. I had to lie about my multiplicity, a large part of my identity, just to get out of there. I had to tell my headmates to lay low. They were not allowed to front for 72 hours. If any of them did, we all would have been forced to stay in that prison where we weren’t allowed to be ourselves and where some of us weren’t even allowed to merely exist. Not only that, but they had me on a reduced calorie diet while I was there… (scoff) no surprise, really.

We were released some days ago. The others have been fronting a lot to make up for lost time. My parents are angry at me and insisting that the whole ordeal was just me being attention seeking and taking it too far. They keep telling me that I don’t have DID and when I tell them that I in fact do not— that I have what is called natural multiplicity— they tell I’m making up illnesses. Natural multiplicity is real and it is not an illness or a disability! I wish they would allow me to educate them about these things since I actually know a lot about them seeing as I experience them ONLY EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Yeah, obviously I’ve been fighting with my parents a lot more than usual, but they haven’t decreased or cut any of my allowances so I guess I can still handle all this arguing for now.

Again, I’m sorry for my absence but I’ve been a bad place, both literally and figuratively, and I have a lot to think about. I should be posting more regularly now. Thank you all for bearing with me.