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Discovered my partner visits here. Kind of frustrated, but also want responses. (self.DeadBedrooms)

submitted by deadbedthrowaway123

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[–]dbRealization 55 ポイント56 ポイント

The few times a month that we do have sex, very little time is spent on me. Once, no time was spent on me at all, and it was after he had told me that it was very very important to him that we do something physical because that was what love is to men, and that is how he shows his intimacy ... but then he came within a few minutes, while I still felt uncomfortable and invaded and not at all intimate... and I started crying. He accused me of ruining it. When I left the room to sleep in our guest bedroom he said, "Now you'll use this as an excuse next time."

This part is horrifying. You were crying after sex and his reaction was to yell at you? Does he often act this way? Im sorry you had to go through that... ugh.

[–]deadbedthrowaway123[S] 14 ポイント15 ポイント

I think he was frustrated because it was immediately after sex. He thinks that I overemphasize how uncomfortable I am during sex in order to avoid it in the future, and I'm not sure what else to tell him other than "I'm not."

[–]dbRealization 18 ポイント19 ポイント

The fact that it was immediately after sex and his reaction was so poor makes it even worse. Of course I don't know both sides of the story, but if a girlfriend came to me with this story I would warn her about possible emotional and sexual abuse from this man.

It sounds like he's very selfish/negative when it comes to sex and that is the worst thing he can do if he wants more of it. If the rest of the relationship is good and you feel that you want to stay with him, start an open dialogue with him about sex. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he simply doesn't know that he needs to be more sensitive and also spend more time on foreplay.

Edit: From reading your other response where he verbally manipulates you into having awful sex, you shouldn't continue this shit relationship. Without knowing more details, he sounds like an awful partner and it sounds like borderline abuse.

[–]nothercoldsatnite -16 ポイント-15 ポイント

It sounds like she's very inhibited/selfish/negative when it comes to sex and the worst thing she can do is shame him further for having a healthy sex drive. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that she simply doesn't know how her body works and doesn't know how to shed her inhibitions and enjoy the cool tricks her body is capable of.

Edit: From reading her articulate responses, it sounds like she knows herself very well and regards her partner with disdain and disrespect. She sounds like a very cold partner capable of emotional abuse.

(Note: I feel like shit writing this; I'm in no position to pass such judgement and neither are you. These are real live people here, struggling to find common ground and agreement. Coming in here to spank and shame either of them isn't the least bit productive or kind. We all project, but you've taken it very far. Take a step back and let's attempt to help them work this through. We could learn something here.)

2nd edit: for those downvoting me, please read again for the hyperbole, and while you're at it, note that the OP has belittled her husband's stamina over and over. And note that this is a throwaway, and that I don't care about downvotes. I really find the OP's blinders to be ugly and destructive.

[–]1PantherA33 12 ポイント13 ポイント

You are the perfect example of the problem.

[–]deadbedthrowaway123[S] 4 ポイント5 ポイント

I am not belittling his stamina. I don't care how long he lasts in the actual act, but I would like to feel something other than discomfort. I care about how much time is spent on me, which is currently none. He will not touch me before, says he is too excited and then he asks me to lie down, and afterwards he wants to go to sleep and even complains about cuddling.

[–]dbRealization 4 ポイント5 ポイント

Interesting perspective. I understand that without more details, making an unbiased judgement is impossible. That is why I said that that was my opinion based on what is being presented in this thread, without knowing both sides. The edit in my post was after reading that OP's partner would say things like:

"I feel like if we aren't intimate soon, I will begin to lose my feelings for you"

Without knowing the full context, that sounds horrible and very manipulative. I sincerely hope that OP is not being emotionally abused or manipulated, but if she is then she needs to know to leave.

If I'm wrong (and I do hope that I am) and the rest of their relationship is still good, then they really need to work on communication. With each other. Not with the internet.