(cache) MommaDerp comments on Discovered my partner visits here. Kind of frustrated, but also want responses.

Discovered my partner visits here. Kind of frustrated, but also want responses. (self.DeadBedrooms)

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[–]marriedscoundrel 4 ポイント5 ポイント6 ポイント 1 日前

There are a lot of issues here, many of which I don't even want to try to address (that's between you two!) but I'll try to give you some HL perspective if nothing else.

He lists the amount of sex we have as less than we do. We actually have sex about once or twice a month. He said in a few comments that we have not had sex in months. I realize that less than he wants is less than he wants, but I feel like he is making it sound worse than it is to get support against me - which he seems to get sometimes.

Minor details, and you're kind of being defensive here. The first step to recovery is admittance. Once or twice a month is still pretty low. To me, once or twice a month, and "haven't had sex in months" isn't all that different. Anyway, my point here is that trying to defend yourself here isn't exactly conducive towards making progress forward.

He does not mention that I have suggested fun date nights, and indicated that this would put me more in the mood.

Okay, maybe he should have shared that, but I have a question for you - why do you need to be put in the mood? And are you making it his responsibility to put you in the mood? Carefully think about what I'm asking you before you answer.

He sometimes makes fun of the things I find romantic (very lightly, I often find this teasing to be cute and funny and endearing, I do not wish to convey that I am hurt by it - but it hardly works to get me between the sheets when you're referring to my idea of Romance as "Disney in a nutshell", does it? It's not sexy to mock your partner, even if she laughs.)

Wait, I'm confused. You find the teasing to be cute, funny, and endearing. Yet you also find it mocking and a turn-off?

I'm confused, so I can't imagine how your partner feels.

The few times a month that we do have sex, very little time is spent on me.

Have you talked about this?

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[–]MommaDerp 30 ポイント31 ポイント32 ポイント 1 日前

[–]marriedscoundrel 16 ポイント17 ポイント18 ポイント 1 日前

You obviously completely missed the point I was trying to make.

He can do nothing, ultimately. He can wine and dine her, take her out...do all the chores in the world, draw baths with rose petals and scented candles, give backrubs...but unless she is ultimately receptive to it, all of that will be for naught. Don't believe me? Well, why not take the word of another LL who posted earlier today.

Went on a weekend away and I wasnt really in the mood for sex - I knew he'd probably be expecting it but I just wanted to enjoy the hotel and relax and get some sleep without the pressure of sex and clean up and everything.

But our OP here seems to be at the very least receptive. So, yay? But that brings me to my next question - why is it his responsibility?

Don't get me wrong. I feel that it's up to both partners to be active in the effort. Both partners. And whatever he can do to her, she can do to herself. She can self-motivate herself to have sex, turn herself on. We HL's do this all the time, most of the time with little awareness that we are.

She came here asking about what she can do. I'm not going to tell her what her partner can do for her. I'm going to tell her what she can do. If she wants to raise her sex drive, that's something she's perfectly capable of doing on her own. Not sitting back and telling her partner to seduce her.

Again, I think it should be an active effort from both parties, so the guy doesn't get off the hook. But that doesn't mean the LL just sits back and says "Well, you put in the effort to make me want to have sex!" either.

[–]deadbedthrowaway123[S] 16 ポイント17 ポイント18 ポイント 1 日前

He can do nothing, ultimately. He can wine and dine her, take her out...do all the chores in the world, draw baths with rose petals and scented candles, give backrubs...but unless she is ultimately receptive to it, all of that will be for naught. Don't believe me? Well, why not take the word of another LL who posted earlier today.

That person isn't me, though. He doesn't do any of these things. I'm not even asking for baths with rose petals, I'm asking for a night out, or in, or whatever, where I am the focus, as I know in the end sex will focus on him. We're still making it happen once every two weeks - I'm not saying "this, or nothing at all", I'm saying "If you think this is insufficient, meet me halfway, as I am meeting you halfway."

She came here asking about what she can do. I'm not going to tell her what her partner can do for her. I'm going to tell her what she can do. If she wants to raise her sex drive, that's something she's perfectly capable of doing on her own. Not sitting back and telling her partner to seduce her.

I'm not asking him to seduce me, I just want there to be mutual focus on intimacy if that is really what he thinks sex is. He says intimacy, but then he doesn't want to do any foreplay beforeward, he doesn't care how I feel during, and he only cuddles awkwardly afterward for as short of a time as possible, which is off the table if I leave the room to pee or cry or get water.

[–]marriedscoundrel 5 ポイント6 ポイント7 ポイント 23 時間前

[–]Smittit 0 ポイント1 ポイント2 ポイント 11 時間前

I'm not saying "this, or nothing at all", I'm saying "If you think this is insufficient, meet me halfway, as I am meeting you halfway.

Sex every 15-30 days is you going half way?

he doesn't want to do any foreplay beforeward, he doesn't care how I feel during, and he only cuddles awkwardly afterward for as short of a time as possible, which is off the table if I leave the room to pee or cry or get water.

Honestly, why would you let him get straight to intercourse if you know he's going to finish fast and leave you wanting?

Just tell him to eat you out, or whatever gets you off, and play with him while he's working on you, and if he doesn't want to do what you need, why would you be with him?

To a certain degree, you have to be selfish. You have to tell him exactly what you want. If you don't ask for it, it's completely unfair to expect him to read your mind and give it to you.

Finally, he says every few months, you said in the original post every 2 to 4 weeks, and now it's just every 2 weeks? Are you actually keeping track, or this is how often you feel/expect sex to happen?

[–]MommaDerp 6 ポイント7 ポイント8 ポイント 1 日前

[–]marriedscoundrel 8 ポイント9 ポイント10 ポイント 1 日前

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[–]marriedscoundrel 5 ポイント6 ポイント7 ポイント 1 日前

[–]TheDankPuss 14 ポイント15 ポイント16 ポイント 1 日前

[–]NiftyDolphin 3 ポイント4 ポイント5 ポイント 20 時間前

[–]TheDankPuss 1 ポイント2 ポイント3 ポイント 17 時間前

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[–]sexagon 5 ポイント6 ポイント7 ポイント 1 日前

[–]Middle_aged_TA 3 ポイント4 ポイント5 ポイント 1 日前

[–]marriedscoundrel 8 ポイント9 ポイント10 ポイント 23 時間前

I feel that "my body is different! You have to make me want it!" is just as much of a cop-out.

I've always been a private person. I'm not one for chit chat, too many words. I come home after a hard day of work and I don't particularly want to talk. And hell, it's my body/vocal chords, I can do whatever I want with it. No one can force me to have a conversation. But my wife wants to talk to me...has been waiting all day to tell me all about her day. Wants to hear about mine as well.

I can say "Sorry honey...I just don't feel like talking. I'll be more receptive to it though if you can create an environment to make me want to talk. Maybe a backrub, bring me a cold beer, and wear something nice." I'm within my rights to do so. And maybe once in a while this is okay. But if I only voluntarily wanted to have a conversation with my wife twice a month, and every other time she had to cajole me into it...I'd be a pretty terrible husband, wouldn't you say? I can say "this is who I am, deal with it" all I want, but that doesn't make the situation any less one-sided. I'm sure my wife would start to think at some point "Why can't I just have a conversation with him without having to put him "in the mood" to want to talk to me? Why can't he just want to talk to me?" At some point she may even start to feel depressed over it. It may start to eat away at her ego.

And that's just conversation. If I'm an unforgivable old curmudgeon and really only want to conversate once or twice a month, and my wife gets lonely...and the cute cable repair guy who comes over decides that yes, he really is interested in how her day has been, no one is going to call her a terrible human being for having a conversation with him over tea, nor would I be justified for calling for a divorce if I did. Actually, I'd still be the terrible husband.

But more than that though...do you know what it's like to feel desired? Maybe you take it for granted, it's something you don't have to work for anymore. The feeling of being desired is fucking awesome. It's like winning at life. There's someone in this world who wants you for who you are. Maybe it's your looks, maybe it's your personality, maybe it's just because they love you so damn much. Hell, maybe they spent the day looking at porn and built up their own energy. But all of it is focused on you, and that is a wonderful feeling.

And that's a feeling that you can give to him. If you expect monogamy from your husband, it's a feeling that only you can give to him. It's a wonderful, awesome, incredible feeling, and not only are you not giving it to him...your position is "Hey, thanks for directing that feeling at me! But if you want me to respond to it, here's what you gotta do..."