Discovered my partner visits here. Kind of frustrated, but also want responses.

dbRealization · 1 日前

The few times a month that we do have sex, very little time is spent on me. Once, no time was spent on me at all, and it was after he had told me that it was very very important to him that we do something physical because that was what love is to men, and that is how he shows his intimacy ... but then he came within a few minutes, while I still felt uncomfortable and invaded and not at all intimate... and I started crying. He accused me of ruining it. When I left the room to sleep in our guest bedroom he said, "Now you'll use this as an excuse next time."

This part is horrifying. You were crying after sex and his reaction was to yell at you? Does he often act this way? Im sorry you had to go through that... ugh.

Mysta02 · 1 日前

I'll start by saying you both have issues you need to deal with.

He needs to be a more giving lover. No one wants sex that isn't pleasurable and of he's using you as a human fleshlight consistently, he's ruining any chance of a healthy sex life.

For you, please let go of the anger at his exaggeration before taking to him. I assure you it won't help.

In three same way that LLs say, "all (s)he wants is sex!" when frustrated, HLs can exaggerate too. But it does honestly feel a certain way to both sides. LLs feel like they're pressured daily, even if they aren't, and HLs feel they don't have sex, even if it happens occasionally.

As for the dates, you may very well both be right.

When my gf and I started going downhill in the bedroom, she'd say, "you don't try hard enough to turn me on", and she was right, but I had my reasons too. I did try so hard to do nice things and take her on dates, and sex still wouldn't happen.

Relationships are supposed to be two-sided, but why would anyone put in outrageous amounts of effort when their partner refuses to put in any...

Let the exaggeration go; he's frustrated and honestly feels what he wrote. I can almost guarantee he's not being malicious. He is hurt and he's come here where he feels he can talk openly.

Don't take that from him; it will do much more harm to your already suffering relationship.

Talk again with him! Be calm and friendly and loving. Tell him you need to feel some satisfaction from sex if you're ever to enjoy it. Tell him you require foreplay and that you'd love to cum with him. Tell him you'd like to work on it, but that you need him to try harder to please you as well.

Tonight, have a shower, throw on something sexy, and initiate sex. Show him you want to make things work. If you don't, your conversation will feel to him like excuses and words.

If he goes straight for the prize, tell him no (nicely) and that you want something more. Guide his hand or mouth where you want and with a little guidance, I'm sure he'll be happy to please you. Touch him too, as much as you can. Body/penis/everything. When you're ready, tell him you need him now.

Don't stop trying after tonight. Put in effort. Make both of you excited again for fun sex. He'll start trying too as he realizes his effort is worth something again.

Both partners are responsible for their love life. Make the first move and you can both be happy again.

SpotlightZero · 1 日前

I am a male. I read this thinking it could be my wife at first, so I'll share what my response would be if it was.

Part of me is upset that we aren't having this conversation in person. But then I have some blame in that because maybe I don't communicate well either. I just don't know how to bring it up without upsetting you or feeling like I'm making it worse.

This stuff is important to me. I feel slightly guilty for thinking that sometimes, but it's who I am. I like sex. I like feeling close to you. I feel guilty for masturbating, but you should know I do, even though we don't talk about it.

I would like to get a little kinkier. I think it would help have some of that experimental element we used to have when we were first leaning each others' bodies all those years ago.

Yes, i over exaggerated. It's the internet. I am also known to have a 14 inch cock and a 6 pack here. ;) But as another user said... If it feels like months, then it feels like months to me. It just means it feels like we have gone a while without being close. Everyone is different, but we at least know wee have a difference in libido here, so let's address it.

But I need to know how to talk to you about it. How do I bring it up safely? How can I get you to tell me some kinky things you want to do? Or even non-kinky... The stuff I usually do, what would make it better for you? I want to know, but I just feel like we can't talk about it.

I know it's not the only problem we have in our relationship, but this one seems like it could be solved if we just talked more about it. How can we talk?

NiftyDolphin · 21 時間前

He lists the amount of sex we have as less than we do. We actually have sex about once or twice a month. He said in a few comments that we have not had sex in months. I realize that less than he wants is less than he wants, but I feel like he is making it sound worse than it is to get support against me - which he seems to get sometimes.

This is why I keep a log: a classic he-said/she-said situation.

Having hard data @nukes that BS from orbit.

catofnortherndarknes · 21 時間前

Man, based on the upvotes and downvotes I'm seeing in here, I'm really amazed at the lack of empathy being shown to you, OP.

Just as your husband's side of things wasn't telling the whole story, and yours may not be, I'll bet he got a hell of a lot more support in here than you are.

A lot of the answers in here seem to be impregnated with the resentment and hostility the respondents are feeling about their own relationships, to the extent that anything but abject contrition and assumption of all responsibility on the part of the person with the lower libido is not worthy of respect or empathy.

Frankly, I hope your partner sees this also. And if he does, here's one vote saying I think he's a selfish jackass. So many in here maintain that the sex is not the thing, but that intimacy is. Yet what you describe, if an accurate and dispassionately observed assessment of your situation, sounds like a glorified pump and dump.

This is a problem that the two of you share. It's not simply up to you to solve. If nothing else, he doesn't get to expect you to look towards fulfilling his needs more thoroughly if he belittles and ignores yours. In what fucking universe do people really believe someone will want to have engaged, enthusiastic sex with them when they're an unpleasant prick?

All I can say is, good luck. Sincerely. If you love this guy enough, outside of the bedroom, to keep working on it, I'd say that you both need to be responsible for looking at the way things have been done thus far, and working to change it. Not just you.

Fuckin' A, I would feel betrayed, too.

The_Sponge_Of_Wrath · 1 日前

The few times a month that we do have sex, very little time is spent on me. Once, no time was spent on me at all, and it was after he had told me that it was very very important to him that we do something physical because that was what love is to men, and that is how he shows his intimacy ... but then he came within a few minutes, while I still felt uncomfortable and invaded and not at all intimate... and I started crying. He accused me of ruining it. When I left the room to sleep in our guest bedroom he said, "Now you'll use this as an excuse next time."

That there is a dumping offence. Dump him.

See? Problem solved.

OsmanthusJelly · 1 日前

I don't have a dead bedroom. I'm here out of curiosity. I'm a woman.

I read your post, and to be honest, your partner sounds like a selfish and negative person. There are a few things that I personally will not tolerate in my own marriage, but out of all of the things you listed that I think are unacceptable, this is the least acceptable of all:

The few times a month that we do have sex, very little time is spent on me. Once, no time was spent on me at all, and it was after he had told me that it was very very important to him that we do something physical because that was what love is to men, and that is how he shows his intimacy ... but then he came within a few minutes, while I still felt uncomfortable and invaded and not at all intimate... and I started crying. He accused me of ruining it. When I left the room to sleep in our guest bedroom he said, "Now you'll use this as an excuse next time."

That is not okay. He is not allowed to yell at you because you were crying, especially not when you cried because he treated you like a whore. If he wants sex at all, he needs to make sure you are satisfied every time. He should not finish until you are done. If he can't do that, be it impotence or whatever, he needs to amp up his foreplay or find other ways to satisfy you. You are not his whore. You're not required to have sex with him, and your feelings matter just as much.

I think you need to start communicating with him and if he has anything he is dissatisfied with, he needs to tell you so you can work it out. Passive aggressively griping about you on Reddit and not talking to you about them is not okay.

Also, personally, I will never let my husband tell me my idea of anything is "Disney in a nutshell." I'm a super girly girl. I use pink for everything. I'm in my 30's and my car is decked out in Hello Kitty seat coverers. I wear Totoro earrings. I insist on watching every Disney film and I'm just as likely to sing "Let It Go" out loud as a 4 year old. All that said, if he dared to say anything I like do is "silly" then he needs to prepare to sleep on the couch for the next month. Nothing I do is silly, especially not when I am his wife, and I demand respect suitable for a wife. You too deserve respect. Even if he thinks your ideas are silly he needs to respect that you want to do them, and you are not a silly person, therefore, he can disagree with how romantic it is, but he cannot call them silly. Besides, you're not supposed to always do things he likes to do. Both of you are supposed to make time to do things each other like to do. For example, my husband loves sports and I have no interest in them. Even so, I will sit down and watch soccer with him or go to a bar to watch a UFC fight with him. He has no interests in musicals, but he still goes to musicals with me. We do this because we're a partnership and we love each other. You are your partner's equal too. You deserve just as much say in what you do on a date as he does. If he thinks your idea is silly, then he can go on a date with his right hand.

doublenut · 20 時間前

I am really interested in your situation and am glad you posted.

For what it's worth (I don't know if you were affected or took personally comments on your husband's posts) whenever I read someone's account and comment on it, I can only take their word for their situation. I understand that lots of people will lie or exaggerate their situation to feel the satisfaction of martyrdom or get sympathy from strangers, but you can't really constantly just be asking "Are you sure?" and "Maybe that's not true."

Overall, I see dead bedrooms as a failure of a relationship's mechanisms to solve problems and accommodate both partner's mutual desires. I don't necessarily see them as someone's "fault." If you don't have a lot of desire for your husband, and don't much want to have sex with him, that's a fact. It may be totally justified because your husband is selfish, insensitive, and not much interested in you. Or it may be unjustified because you are callous and uncaring about him. That moral judgement doesn't make a difference to me.

Many of us who are called "HL" in this sub are unlike your husband, and our natural inclination is to empathize, in the literal sense, with the person in a relationship who feels rejected. Another thing I often forget is that, as a partner who sought sexual affection from my wife and was often rejected, is that I tried everything; from direct communication, to long pressure-free periods, lots of non-sexual physical affection (when I could get it, I was starved, in the end, for this, too). Being challenging and assertive, being sexually pleasing, taking over household tasks (to the extent that, by the end, I was doing them all)... and I tend to assume without really thinking about it that most HL partners are in the same boat. I think it's really useful to me to get your perspective as a reminder that that's not true.

By the way, I'm sorry to see you both in this situation, to be honest, it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot of caring for each other on either side, and that saddens me. None of us know the chicken-and-egg dynamics of who started it or who's at fault, but it's unfortunate. It's almost like you need a reset so you can start dating and falling in love again.

randallkennedy · 19 時間前

Since we are at it, I would like to comment on the somewhat separate issue, that has came up here. The issue is: HL always tend to underestimate the amount of sex, while LLs tent to overestimate it, in their reports. Particularly in situations where it is rare. I'm pretty sure there is scientific evidence for it. This higher estimate of once or twice a month is indeed pretty rare that it is in a "black swan" territory. Implying that the method of determining this number is flawed with uncertainties. Indeed for HL to come up with the number he has to remember every single act in last year. What he remembers is a big blur of rejections and frustration, so he genuinely believes that he has it once a few months. LL on the other hand only remembers constant nagging and unpleasant submissions she has to do, so she also genuinely believes she did it more than it actually happened. There is not enough reliable data to distinguish between 1/month or 1/4months. This also implies that most of the reported rates here are wrong (except that excel spreadsheet guy). The reported rates nevertheless represent real feeling that the partner feels. Therefore the advice is: never make the actual rate a subject of argument. Just avoid it. Even if you in fact keep spreadsheet avoid this topic anyway "it's childish, and obnoxious". Just a suggestion to all of you: try to start a log and ask your partner in a few months what sex rate (s)he thinks you actually have. That will be pretty interesting finding.

Glarks · 17 時間前

Tell him these things, not us.

FMKtoday · 18 時間前

Seems like you are just realizing how much of a problem this is. For him this has been a problem for a long time. Think about the first time he mentioned anything about it, it was a problem long before that. You keep bringing up dates and all these other things he has to do before you will have sex with him. I don't think you understand what it feels like to get rejected. Imagine it's valentines day, you get dressed up, make him dinner, look forward to the night all week, he comes home you Give him a big hug and kiss, say honey I made dinner. He says nothing, but sits on the couch, starts watching tv, you again try to show him everything you've done. He says I already ate. You ask to go out he claims to be tired and doesn't speak to you again that night. That is what it feels like every time you reject him. He is likely unwilling to put himself out there anymore. This is why deadbedrooms turn into just penetration. Or him asking sex tonight? You've been crushing his feelings for years even if not on purpose. He has a lot of anger about this and isn't jumping through hoops for it just to be crushed again.

ughthatguy · 1 日前

The few times a month that we do have sex, very little time is spent on me.

What would you have him do? Maybe he doesn't know.

marriedscoundrel · 1 日前

There are a lot of issues here, many of which I don't even want to try to address (that's between you two!) but I'll try to give you some HL perspective if nothing else.

He lists the amount of sex we have as less than we do. We actually have sex about once or twice a month. He said in a few comments that we have not had sex in months. I realize that less than he wants is less than he wants, but I feel like he is making it sound worse than it is to get support against me - which he seems to get sometimes.

Minor details, and you're kind of being defensive here. The first step to recovery is admittance. Once or twice a month is still pretty low. To me, once or twice a month, and "haven't had sex in months" isn't all that different. Anyway, my point here is that trying to defend yourself here isn't exactly conducive towards making progress forward.

He does not mention that I have suggested fun date nights, and indicated that this would put me more in the mood.

Okay, maybe he should have shared that, but I have a question for you - why do you need to be put in the mood? And are you making it his responsibility to put you in the mood? Carefully think about what I'm asking you before you answer.

He sometimes makes fun of the things I find romantic (very lightly, I often find this teasing to be cute and funny and endearing, I do not wish to convey that I am hurt by it - but it hardly works to get me between the sheets when you're referring to my idea of Romance as "Disney in a nutshell", does it? It's not sexy to mock your partner, even if she laughs.)

Wait, I'm confused. You find the teasing to be cute, funny, and endearing. Yet you also find it mocking and a turn-off?

I'm confused, so I can't imagine how your partner feels.

The few times a month that we do have sex, very little time is spent on me.

Have you talked about this?

nothercoldsatnite · 1 日前

We actually have sex about once or twice a month.

How often did you have sex in the first year you were together?

angryguy77 · 1 日前

My response is going on the assumption your SO is a decent person.

1-Once or twice a month is terrible. Regardless if he exaggerated, that number is far too low for a relationship to have a chance. Refusers often claim there is more intimacy than they are actually happening. What's interesting to me is you didn't give a specific time recently to discount his claims. To be honest, it's not very convincing. I'll let you in a little secret: had he said just 2 a month, he would have had loads of sympathy just with that. If he's a reg user here, he would know that. I find it odd why a person who comes here, would arbitrarily pick a number. If he was going for sympathy, it would have made sense to make it even longer gap.

2-While I believe a man needs to always date his wife regardless of time together, the romance excuse is used about as much as "he doesn't help out enough." Yet no matter how much the refused person does, there is another goal they are given to meet. I highly doubt a nice time out once a week with you is going to get this man more intimacy. Consider this, do you think he doesn't romance you because he's not getting any? Stop and think when the romance ended and when your intimate life tapered off. Cut a man/woman off from what they need and they will be less inclined to provide you with what you need.

3-If a man doesn't get it regularly, he isn't going to last very long. It's much like running: the more you do it, the longer you can go. " I still felt uncomfortable and invaded and not at all intimate." I'd like to know why you feel that way. Is it the act itself, or something else? I'm not saying he was right in saying what he did, but when you're refused time and time again, you grow resentful and are going to say hurtful things. I'd like to add one thing for you to consider to be a possibility for how he is in bed with you: Do you think it's possible that he doesn't make an effort to please you because you show very little need for sex? If he's under the assumption that you're cold blooded, why would he put forth the effort? It's entirely possible he feels that you find him repulsive and you have no desire for it to be a mutual experience. I'm not saying this is the case, but just one aspect for you to explore. For you to understand him and understand his actions, you must first understand what the constant rejection on your part has done to his mind and how he views intimacy with you.

4-Feeling like you stopped because you "got him" isn't an uncommon belief for a person to hold when their SO decides to put intimacy on the back burner. One thing you have to understand is just because you were there for him during that time, doesn't mean other areas cease to be important to him.

I realize there are parts about him you are not happy about, but the meat of your post is: "he doesn't do "x" and that's why our sex life is terrible." I've seen this reasoning in almost every single story regarding couples with these issues. The people that refuse always point out one or two things about the other, and they place the burden on them as away to absolve themselves. If you love him, and find him to be a good man, that should be enough for you to want to satisfy him, not use intimacy as a tool to get what you want. If he's a good man, he will return the favor in areas outside the bedroom for you. If he is so terrible to you that you don't find him desirable at all, then you need to leave and let him find someone that will love him the way he needs. You also will be able to do the same.

With all that being said, I'm in no way saying a person has to jump in bed with another regardless of how they are treated. However, I do believe the refused person has to be a pretty terrible individual for it to warrant him/her not getting their emotional and physical needs met. When you go down the path of saying "they don't do enough of something, and they won't get any until they do" you have started the death spiral of your relationship. Nothing good comes of refusing a person you love. It in most cases won't change them, what it will do is breed resentment in them towards you and cause other areas of the life you have together to suffer.

"It would never have come to this if we actually spoke" This is where you need to start. Talk to him. I suspect he's tried to talk, but it didn't get anywhere and that's why he resorted to posting on a site like this. I can tell you, if someone is here ranting about this issue, it's often because they didn't get anywhere with their SO when they have talked. It's highly possible that he didn't leave this page up by accident, but he did so for you to see it and spark more conversation about it.

Good luck to the both of you, I hope you can work it out.

jsh1138 · 15 時間前

He does not mention that I have suggested fun date nights, and indicated that this would put me more in the mood.

you realize how sick this is, right? it would be like you saying he couldn't eat without you eating as well, but you won't be hungry unless he takes you out dancing first.

if your SO is just flat out lying, address the lies, but you expecting him to bribe you for sex each and every time is ludicrous

whajoosay · 19 時間前

I'm too lazy to read through all the comments, so maybe this has already been said, but I think this happens a lot. People post their side of things through their own perspective, and many times when I read their posts I just know if their partner were right there we'd hear a whole host of other reasons they aren't sleeping together. I wouldn't tell him you read his posts, but it sounds like more communication is in order, and I would use what you read to help you understand his perspective (however skewed it might be). Knowing what he's thinking/feeling deep inside will help you formulate the conversations going forward.

duffman4evr · 15 時間前

Thanks for bringing your perspective. We often only get the HL part of the story over here in these long introduction posts, and I've always been a little skeptical around the facts presented there.

In the end, its just impossible to figure out if someone is even being a good partner when they are only giving you their side of the story. Yet another reason why counseling is still one of the best suggestions to make on this forum.

arrantwanderlust · 15 時間前

Don't listen to everyone who wants you to blame yourself. There's nothing in that. Nothing in blaming him either, if you really want to find a solution and make it work. As Mynameisnotdoug said, if you really want a solution, you have to be willing to look at things from his perspective first. If you can't, or if that doesn't change anything, it sure seems like you've served your time. But don't waste your time pondering the unsupportive responses on here. That is not the point of the sub.

girlaboutoaktown · 15 時間前

I'm sorry that some users here have been unkind to you. Your husband is clearly being a very selfish lover, and fuck the people who don't see that/disagree.

Honestly, if my husband approached sex the way yours did, I wouldn't be fucking him at all, and I'm HL. It just wouldn't happen. I'd cut him off completely until he was able to restrain himself enough to realize that partnered sex means you do pleasurable things to and for each other, and that you're not just a human fleshlight.

He is an adult man who is in control of his actions. There is zero reason he can't wait for PIV sex until you're warmed up. There is zero reason he can't make sure you get off before PIV, or after, or both!

76vibrochamp · 1 日前

You are so caught up with the fact your husband misrepresented his sex life to a bunch of imaginary internet people that you are invading his venting space to put him on blast.

This won't end well.

fuckpasswordrecovery · 19 時間前

Have more sex with him. Then he'll unsubscribe.

Caffin8 · 19 時間前

I hope he sees this and dumps you immediately. You don't seem love him, you don't seek him out to have sex with him, you don't pursue him, but you complain he doesn't pursue in a manner acceptable to you?

You two are not in a dead bedroom you are in a dead relationship.

AberrantRambler · 1 日前

I think the most telling thing is that upon finding your partner here you post a long, defensive post instead of reflecting upon the fact that your partner feels the need to post here and learning from that information.

gigashadowwolf · 20 時間前

I'm not really defending him but understand this subreddit is a release for many of out frustrations. I assume most people are exaggerating on here slightly. They are communicating how they FEEL more than how it actually is. It's cathartic. It's like a form of therapy. He needs the sympathy at this point. It's actually probably keeping him from exploding and preventing fights with you when he posts like that.

Now personally one part where I REALLY agree with you is that he has to put in at least as much effort as you. It sounds like he is putting all the responsibility on you and that's not fair. He needs to work at it. I would do anything to learn how to turn my S.O. on again. I have much more fun the times she is really into it too. This is why I kind of don't like the whole "just buck up and do it LL" solution you see on here all the time. It seems like a band-aid. It's important that the couple start an open forum where they can work on it together. The LL needs to help the HL learn how to turn them on and be patient that it may take a while and will be annoying sometimes. They need to be careful not to shoot down the HL without giving them a fair chance, but the HL needs to take all that help to heart and really work on it. It's a joint problem that requires a joint effort.

Diggitydawg83 · 1 日前

To be honest this entire issue sounds like the sex life might be to vanilla. How is your sex life? You seem to debate the quantity but not the intensity.

Deceptions · 16 時間前

imho, your both going about this the wrong way. The fact that you had to make a throwaway account to try and call him out on a sub reddit probably means that this was done and over a while ago. As opposed to going and talking to him about it.

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