I don’t feel like devoting time for this but real quick for the record -
A mod said something stupid in modmail. Specifically, that “you can’t be anti-feminism without having some misogyny,” or whatever; I don’t have the screenshots and can’t be bothered to look them up. Now, being that I run a blog entitled I Don’t Need Feminism, I was straight up pissed-off at that. I consider it completely insane, and it’s something that I would expect to see (and have seen) posted in TiA. So something like that coming from a TiA mod - zero tolerance policy, you understand?
So I called him out on it, in a manner I wouldn’t consider out of line. Harsh? Yes. So what? I was given to understand that the TiA moderators were all on friendly terms with each other and viewed ourselves as a little modmail family. I say “fuck you” to my friends all the time. It’s not a big deal. That’s just the way I talk.
EFS thought otherwise and said something snippy to me and threatened to ban me in front of all the other moderators. I thought that was a huge overreaction and something that should have been sent via PM. I didn’t like his tone and I won’t be talked to that way. Hey, maybe it’s different because I actually work in the professional world and I’m not a fucking drug dealer, but if you have a problem with a staff member, you take them aside and talk to them out of view from everyone else. You don’t scold someone publicly. That’s way out of line and ridiculous.
I of course messaged the mod I was referring to right away, apologizing and clearing the air. He hadn’t even seen the message, and said that while I could have been nicer, he understood that I was pissed off, and clarified what he meant, ready to continue the conversation. Direct quote, “So um… I don’t really care.”
EFS did not like that. I clearly acquiesced on what he was berating me about (“I’ll phrase it nicer if you want next time,”) but remained firm that I was going to stand for my beliefs. Again, I asked him about his attitude towards me. He seemed extremely irritated over a very minor issue and I figured he must be on something. He’s usually high, and I figured he was angrier than usual for that reason. I thought we had resolved everything and that was that. The matter was settled, and while I wasn’t 100% okay with his decision, I was ready to move on with my life.
Then I got unmodded.
I had no idea why this had happened. I still don’t. I do not believe it was over the comment to the other moderator, who, again, did not have any problem with what I said to him and understood that I was reacting to his argument, not to him personally. There was only one other time that I had snapped at a mod like that. The other mod and I agreed to disagree on that point and were quite friendly; fuck, she sent me nudes, and there you go now you know who it was. I do not recall any other time that I said anything untoward to another moderator. Nothing was ever said to me about my behavior and I was never given any indication that another moderator had a problem with me.
Imagine my surprise, right?
I messaged the other mods to find out if they knew what was going on. I spoke to a couple immediately, who were concerned and clueless. I sent messages to a few others who were asleep at the time. I addressed them casually as friends, paying no attention to what words I used. Apparently, you aren’t allowed to call your friends “baby.” I find it very difficult to believe anyone was weirded out over that, either; everyone jokingly hit on everyone in modmail. It was one big orgy. At this point, I did not think EFS was serious about this - I thought he was fucked up and reckless. His last message to me was, “I’ll consider it, I just think you need a timeout for a while at least.”
I was discussing things with another moderator, and we were discussing the long-term ramifications of what EFS had done. We knew it would cause friction amongst the mods (sides were clearly drawn) and we knew that friction would splinter the sub as well. Yes, you do think about things like this when you’re moderating a subreddit consisting of tens of thousands of people. You do things “for the good of the sub.” If EFS wanted to give me a timeout, he could have said so and I would have done it. Removing me from the modlist isn’t just a “time-out,” it was removing my seniority amongst moderators. It wasn’t a logical reaction to what he claimed had happened, it didn’t fit with our relationship as I understood it — it just didn’t make any sense, none of it made any sense.
Think about it politically. We knew, from actual polls of the subreddit, that I was the second-most-popular moderator. I hadn’t been the most active lately, but my internet access was restricted, and that just happens sometimes. I had never had a problem with anyone (as far as I knew, at this point) and had just been removed from the modlist for no reason. No one that I spoke to thought the removal was because of what I’d said. I was trying to figure out what was going to happen when people heard about this. If the sub split into factions, it would destabilize the entire community; making a move that immediately threatens your subreddit rather than exploring other, “safer” options (such as just talking with me about fixing my behavior) is clearly not rational. It doesn’t make any sense if you think about it strategically for two seconds.
This was a rash decision made in the heat of the moment. It was a child throwing a tantrum. So I scolded EFS for it.
My last message to him was, “You could have just told me that and I would have done it! I hope you’re thinking about what you’re doing, man. This could easily kill the sub. Did you even consider that?! This isn’t going to be pretty. You’ve just brought a metric ton of drama on us all when you could’ve just used your words.”
I was told later he thought this was a threat. It clearly isn’t. I wanted what was best for TiA, and I simply recognized what I could do rather than what I was going to do.
By that morning, I was being ripped apart in the modmail. Old moderators had come out of the woodwork trashing me. The newer mods braced themselves in firmly neutral positions. I realized that this was for good.
I didn’t want to harm the community. I didn’t want to start a war against EFS. But I did think that what happened was unfair. It was needlessly rude to me. This wasn’t just being unmodded from the sub - this was a friend turning on me and badmouthing me behind my back, leaving me clueless as to why. I was hurt, but I was more so ready to move on - I didn’t want to be re-modded if he was going to treat me that way. I don’t want anything to do with people like that. I knew it as soon as I heard what he was saying about me, I was never returning to TiA and that was final.
I guess I still don’t publicly want to say what I think the real reason behind my removal was, but I will tell you if you ask me. I just don’t want the drama that will bring.
I had put so much of myself into TiA, though, that I wanted to say good-bye. I wouldn’t disappear quietly, but I didn’t want to lead a rebellion, either. That letter did exactly what I wanted to, even if it did result in my reputation taking a beating. I could have come out and pointed fingers, I could have explained my side of the story, I could have started a new subreddit and waged a war, and pitched a fight and hauled out a ton of drama.
But I didn’t want to. I just wanted to say I gave you all I could, I loved doing it, this wasn’t my choice, and good-bye.
I never had a problem with any of the other TiA moderators. I don’t know why they’re acting like this, and I don’t get why, if they felt that way, they wouldn’t use their words and sort it out - you know - the way adults do. Instead of all this upheaval, a simple conversation - “hey, you’ve been a bit too harsh lately. I know you’re going through some things, but it’s affecting your behavior in appropriately. Please watch what you say.” - could have prevented everything! But no, nothing doing. I don’t get how people can behave that way - if you don’t tell someone you have a problem with them, they’re never going to know, and they’re never going to be able to change.
It’s very sad and strange. But I can hold my head high, because you know what? I did the right thing. I’m walking away and I’m letting TiA begin its slow decline into demise without me. And I’m better for it, because I do not need those two-faced people in my life.