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"I Love My Gays!" 10 Things Straight People Say That Make Me Want To Throttle Them

A member of the majority using the possessive about any member of a minority is always, ALWAYS a social faux pas.
Chloë
Jan 29, 2013 at 1:00pm | 632 comments
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Boo, let me give it to you straight: There are definite no-nos for speaking to members of other sexualities.
This week, I reached out to my fellow homos and posed the question: How do your straight friends irritate you? What insensitive terms, insipid platitudes or arrogant assumptions really get your blood boiling with people you otherwise adore? Could we put a stop to stupidity by gently correcting our hetero biffles?

Let me enlighten you as to the things you do that are so ridiculous, we either cringe, vomit or subtly mock you.
1. "Men are so awful/confusing/difficult, I wish I was a lesbian. It would be so much easier.
"

Leading the pack at number one is a statement both ubiquitous and absurd.  
In what universe are women simpler than men? I’m not trying to go all ya-ya sisterhood; I’m just asking. Do you honestly believe men are more complex than women? Than you? Would you date you?
No, of course you wouldn’t, because you’re a total psycho. Even if you’re not actually psychotic, I have yet to meet a girl who isn’t secretly convinced she is insane. Womanly intricacies aside, dating as a straight person is easier than dating as a gay person in any context. There are so many of you. Straight people breed like rabbits.


2. Using the possessive (“I love my gays”).

A member of the majority using the possessive about any member of a minority is always, ALWAYS a social faux pas. No matter how many sexy duct-tape-covering-mouth pictures you pose for, we are not owned or even indebted to you. It’s fabulous that you support gay rights, but not actively oppressing someone does not make you their owner; it makes you not a horrible person. Do you refer to African-American friends as "my blacks"? Yes? Please stop immediately.


3. “I’m just going out with my girlfriend.”
This isn’t offensive so much as confusing. Whenever a straight female begins gabbing about her "girlfriends," I am reminded of the great chasm between the world they live in and the one I occupy.
When you refer to your friends as girlfriends, you confuse men and women alike on the nature of your relationship. Furthermore, it’s dated and downright unrefined to denote cisgender before every statement. Does it really matter if your friends are women or men? Don’t you think we’ll know that "Mary" might be female? Do yourself a favor and tailor your speech for the audience.
4. “Sexuality is a spectrum.”

Congratulations, you paid enough attention in psych 101 to regurgitate Kinsey. Welcome to the upper-middle class.

There’s nothing more grating than straight people lecturing gay people on the many special shades of our own rainbow. I am familiar with bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, and whatever other sexual you are just dyingggg to tell me about.
It’s a phenomenal step forward for human sophistication that all aspects of sexuality are receiving the recognition they deserve, but spare me the talking points. I’ve heard them, and I’m still gay: gay gay, as in solely attracted to women. You can sit anywhere on the spectrum you desire, but don’t put your shit on me. I’m very happy on my side of the fence, and fought incredibly hard to get here. Don’t you dare try to tell me what it means to be gay.   

5. “You’re so pretty for a lesbian.”

Actually I’m pretty for any girl, ever. Thanks though!

Enough with the ugly lesbian stereotypes. Just enough. There are far more ugly straight people than ugly lesbians -- probably because there are far more straight people than gay people.
"Ugly girls are gay, pretty girls are bi" is an irritating stereotype that rears its head regularly in my day-to-day life.
First of all, it ascribes straight standards of beauty to gay standards of beauty. They are not the same. I’m attracted to androgynous, athletic, cosmopolitan dykes who look like they could doddle me on their knee while detailing their last trip to Home Depot. These girls are in no way unattractive, and are, in fact, very desirable in the gay community while being totally undesirable in the straight community.
At the other side of that, there’s nothing I’m less attracted to than an overly coiffed blonde coated in frosted lipstick and adorned in only a pink bikini; yet, any trip to Hooters tells me this look has always and will always be in for those in the straight community.

6. “Oh, you’re a lesbian? Well, one time I got wasted and let my lesbian neighbor go down on me.”

Yo, I don’t want to hear about your boring straight sex or cliche girl-on-girl experience.

Sometimes I feel like straight people mishear, "I’m gay,” as, "I’m kinky, promiscuous, and down hear every drippin’ detail of your odious fuckery." Perhaps you should all see some type of hearing specialist.
In all seriousness, I appreciate you’re trying to find common ground and truly, sincerely appreciate that consideration. You clearly have good intentions. However, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean all commonly acceptable standards of conversation and etiquette are out the window; I’m a lesbian, not Dr. Drew.
7. Drop "fag," "dyke," and "That’s so gay" like you’re one of us. 


Imagine this scenario: You see me, in all my diminutive glory, strolling up to a table of women. The women -- all zaftig -- turn to say hello, and I respond, “WASSUP FATTIES?" Not cool. Never cool. Same applies to fag, dyke, and "That’s so gay."
I can say these. You cannot. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But that’s not fair,” I would like to remind you that life is not fair and if not being able to use a homophobic slur is the least fair element of your life, you’re leading an extraordinarily gentle life.

8. Straight Guys Joking About "Going Gay" For One Another.
Bromance has to be the least interesting pop culture phenomena since the pet rock. I don’t really hang out with straight men because we have nothing in common. I generally dislike their appearance/demeanor/personality -- and when we get drunk, they inevitably feel obligated to remind me how if I wasn’t gay they “would just fuck the shit out of me.”
In the odd case that I am surrounded by guys, I’m horrified to witness the unending, double-entendre-ridden monologue that is straight dudes joking about being gay.
9. Creep On Lesbians.
What a wonderful thing it is to be gay. Gay men are physically harassed for public affection. Lesbians are sexually harassed and then physically harassed for public affection. Last week, not once, not twice, but three times did straight men verbally and physically harass me for kissing a girl. At a gay bar. They were there with their girlfriends, who really just needed to dance.
Please, if you see a lesbian couple with the audacity to behave like a human couple in public (hugs, hand holding, arm over shoulder) just leave them alone. We are trying to live our lives in peace. We don’t need your commentary, however "flattering" you think it to be.

10. My gay friend --------------------.
You mean your friend? 

I’ve had this discussion with my mother approximately 17 times and she still refers to Carlos as her "gay friend Carlos." She can’t be stopped as she is a very aggressive middle-aged Greek woman, but maybe you can. Take a moment to think about how fucked up it is that you define me as gay before anything else. How disturbing it is that "gay" is placed before my name?
I don’t care if you tell people I’m gay, but my name is Chloë, not "Gay Chloë."


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      • Aja a year ago
        I think about half of these can apply to any minority group if you just change a word or two. I've definitely heard "You're pretty for a black girl." "My black friend so-and-so", "Lemme just say this N word because I like hip hop and I have black friends", "I love black people", "I wish I were black". None-the-less, super annoying.
          see more
        • Avatar
          Guest a year ago
          Again, sentiment valid, condescending execution pretty awful.
          "Let me enlighten you as to the things you do that are so ridiculous, we either cringe, vomit or subtly mock you."
            see more
            • Ms.FickleFuckingPickle > Guest a year ago
              True that Sparklebutt!
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                • reckoner > Guest a year ago
                  I'm just interested to know what this universal "appearance/demeanor/personality" of straight guys the author refers to is. I wasn't aware of it until now.
                    see more
                    • Doc Holligay > reckoner a year ago
                      I hang out with tons of straight dudes, so I'm going with no. That did annoy me. BUT, I've also had a bunch of the shit she's annoyed by slung at me, as well, and I do wish people would listen to this/stop saying it.
                        see more
                        • reckoner > Doc Holligay a year ago
                          I wish people would stop too, the things listed in the article are rude and hurtful. And I also get that straight men can be some of the *most* rude and hurtful people when it comes to sexuality, and that needs to be addressed at every opportunity. But we're not all like that, and we don't have a one-size-fits-all demeanor or personality, or appearance for that matter. Just like lesbians, bisexuals, gays, transgender people, and whoever else don't have a dress code and an inherent personality matrix.
                            see more
                            • Doc Holligay > reckoner a year ago
                              Yeah no, I totally agree with you, and as shitty as this sounds, it makes me wonder if she's just never had a decent dude friend. My best friend is a guy and wouldn't ever say any of this stupid shit, ever.
                              But yeah, straight dudes can sometimes be the worst. And also, I wish people would get that some of this attitude comes out of hearing this shit the same thousand times. If I'd written this column, I can see myself getting sassy as shit about it, and I'm pretty laid back!
                                see more
                              • Five Second Rule > reckoner a year ago
                                No, not all men are like that. Not even most. But there are enough of them out there that I get this treatment on an almost daily basis. I would be SO thrilled to be able to share a story of even a single time when a straight man stepped in and told another straight man that what he just said to me was not acceptable. I know those great guys are out there, but it's hard to focus on them when I've never had that encounter and have so often had the agresssive/offensive encounters.
                                  see more
                                  • reckoner > Five Second Rule a year ago
                                    I think that's a perfectly reasonable way to feel and much better put than what the author said, which was a rhetorically precarious statement on ambiguous, universal "straight guy" traits.
                                      see more
                                      • edtastic > Five Second Rule a year ago
                                        Don't expect men to get in a fight defending you. That's a really outdated concept and in this day and age you should be standing up for yourself. If you are a female doing so, you stand less of a chance of getting into a physical altercation.
                                        A man calling out another man is some serious line crossing which may never be forgiven. Don't put the burden on them when it's your respect you want defended.
                                          see more
                                          • Five Second Rule > edtastic a year ago
                                            My point was that while not all men are assholes, I still have to deal with the ones that are. I don't ever expect a man to fight for my honor, but I do appreciate when a human being of any gender steps in to call out their friends on harmful or insensitive behavior. Do most men really face the chance of being beat up by their friends if they say "hey man, that's not a cool thing to say," and do you really think women aren't physically harassed when they stand up for themselves? What sort of people are you hanging out with that calling them out for shitty behavior "is some serious line crossing which may never be forgiven"?
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                                              • edtastic > Five Second Rule a year ago
                                                There is the threat of a altercation but more likely the male who condemns the other will have damaged the relationship when he has with his friend. Before you insist he take a stand on principal you ought to speak up for yourself. At that point you have enabled him to back you up because it's been made clear that you find the behavior unacceptable.
                                                I can't tell you how many times I have heard men say rude things to women only to see those same women become involved with the man who said them. Standing up for yourself, makes more sense than pushing the burden on to others to do it for you especially when they don't what it is you do or do not find offensive.
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                                                  • Five Second Rule > edtastic a year ago
                                                    I definitely stand up for myself when these things happen to me. Every time, even though it's exhausting. And still, not a single man has ever been willing to stand up for me after I have tried to stand up for myself. I suppose it's better to those men in question to preserve their friendship with a bigot and/or asshole than it is to defend someone who has done nothing to deserve the treatment. I have corrected friends who were rude before. Usually it doesn't strain the friendship at all, but if it does then I can't help but wonder why I would be friends with someone who was so deeply bothered by me defending someone who I feel was right to be defended. Get better friends.
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                                                      • edtastic > Five Second Rule a year ago
                                                        I think you need to get over the idea that other people are obligated to defend your honor when they are not. If we were talking about children I might agree with you, but we are talking about the interaction between adults.
                                                        You also have idea what conversation those guys had after you left, so the fact you didn't see it doesn't mean much. They could have been supportive and ridiculed you or they could have ridiculed their friend for getting lectured.
                                                        We aren't entitled to have strangers defend us from rude people. My sister says outrageous things all the time that are sure to cause offense but I don't make a habit of telling her to shut up.
                                                        This issue transcends gender and sits firmly in the realm of common human misbehavior. Abrasive rude individuals mouthing off is nothing new and the only thing gendered about it, is the expectation that males will come to the aid of any women at the receiving end when it's a male being rude.
                                                        I for one prefer to let people be who they are and to let other people decide what is too much for them. I have heard some unbelievably rude things from both men and women but I'm not about to start shaming and blaming their friends for not coming down on their friends who say them.
                                                          see more
                                                          • librarygrrl64 > edtastic a year ago
                                                            I don't see that Wren is trying to get some guy to Sir Galahad her. She just wants a little support. Two different things.
                                                              see more
                                                              • T J > edtastic a year ago
                                                                I'm a hetero male and after reading this, having just turned 21, if I found myself in a situation as wren described I would most definitely stand up for or back up anyone who is being harassed by someone regardless of gender or sexual preference. No one deserves to be treated that way, in my opinion that is.
                                                                I don't believe wren thinks she's entitled to anything except for basic rights as defined by the constitution, however, wren is makes a point on common human decency, in this case pertaining to straight men, but universally can be applied to all situations.
                                                                To do the right thing in a situation which involves strangers and your friends can be tough especially if you do not know the stance of the stranger which is a point edtastic made that I do agree with.
                                                                On another note, I too have a sister who is older who says incredibly ignorant statements and if the timing isn't appropriate I won't call her to save her embarrassment but I will definitely tell her. But family relations are different depending on the circumstances we may not see eye to eye on everything but I hope you understand that relations between friends can always be mended when both parties are willing, and if they aren't, I would say they aren't worth being friends with.
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                                                            • Pat > edtastic a year ago
                                                              I like how you can say whatever horrible thing you want without "damaging the relationship" but I can't say "Don't be evil."
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                                                                • edtastic > Pat a year ago
                                                                  Lets be honest about what constitutes harassment in this context. We are talking about people making suggestive comments while two women kiss which is far from EVIL. We are talking about behavior which can easily be passed of as benign flirtation not ethnic or gay slurs. Going out of our way to escalate everything to the extreme isn't constructive. We don't live in a reality show and it's time we learn to separate genuine harassment from foolishness.
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                                                                    • Pat > edtastic a year ago
                                                                      That is evil harassment, and it's obviously not flirtation or benign. The reasons why that excuse can not possibly fly should be readily apparent.
                                                                        see more
                                                                        • edtastic > Pat a year ago
                                                                          No it's not and if we relied on maladjusted hysterics to set our social customs free interaction would become impossible.
                                                                          Humans flirt and sometimes is more welcome than others. When it's not it's annoying. When it's persistent (same individual) it's harassment. When it's been made clear it's unwanted and it continues forcefully then we might be able to call it a potentially evil act of intimidation.
                                                                          Instead of listening to just the women who like to complain about men, try talking to the ones who welcome male attention. There is a whole spectrum of humanity out there. We shouldn't make ourselves slaves to the biggest malcontents in the bunch.
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                                                                            • Pat > edtastic a year ago
                                                                              It's pretty clear that it's unwanted by a lesbian couple. Since they are A) lesbians and 2) a couple.
                                                                              So since YOU said it's evil when clearly unwanted... This is your definition, hon.
                                                                              And you're the one who called it flirting in the first place. It never was.
                                                                              I never said anything about actual flirting, nor to my knowledge did any of these imaginary women who like to complain.
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                                                                                • edtastic > Pat a year ago
                                                                                  We are way past assuming any girls kissing girls are automatically lesbians. Unwanted sexual attention is not evil. Persistent sexual attention when it's clear that it's unwanted can be seen as malicious or evil. I sexual teasing while people kiss is not malicious, persistent, or evil.
                                                                                  You make way too many assumptions about people I don't think you have the right to make. The world is not black and white. We come in lots of varieties with lots of preferences. One of my best friends is married to bisexual women who took me to my first gay pride parade. If she was kissing a female she might still be interested in male attention considering she married one.
                                                                                  Get off the high horse and stop trying to persecute people for flirting. Thin skinned people can be jerks too.
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                                                                                    • edtastic > Pat a year ago
                                                                                      It's also clear that what they actually said that constituted harassment and assumption that their taunts were of a sexual nature is common sense considering they were observing a sexual act.
                                                                                      The whole tendency to portray males as monsters for expressing sexual interest in women is out of control. The fact they are lesbians doesn't make expressing sexual interest in them harassment anymore than it is for a gay man to hit on a straight guy which has happened to me several times.
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                                                                                        • Pat > edtastic a year ago
                                                                                          No, see, YOU are the one suggesting that men are sexual monsters out of control.
                                                                                          I suggested they not pester women who are obviously not interested. Which I thought you also suggested was a good thing, until I pointed out that the guy in question was not doing that.
                                                                                          Did these gay men who expressed sexual interest actually communicate that fact with you, or did they make crude and unfriendly remarks? And did they do so while you were on a date with your girlfriend?
                                                                                          And in a location that specifically caters to straight people making the chance that you might reciprocate essentially null?
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                                                                                            • edtastic > Pat a year ago
                                                                                              I made it quite clear was not gay but was pestered for quite a while on both occasions and I was never in a gay bar when this happened. They didn't make crude remarks but if you unless you count the repeated offers for blow jobs, which most women would.
                                                                                              This experience did not cause me to think men are sexual monsters even though it made me uncomfortable for a while. I don't jump to the conclusions where I assume other people are monsters for wanting sex. Someone who hates men might do that but not me.
                                                                                              I can empathize with a person having a strong sexual desire and doing all they can to be persuasive and I could understand why women would be uncomfortable being pestered by such a person. That doesn't make them oppressed or victims of evil males.
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                                                                                                • Pat > edtastic a year ago
                                                                                                  That has nothing to do with men being sexual monsters, but YOU are the only person who said that.
                                                                                                  And "never in a gay bar" is not at all the same thing.
                                                                                                  So we see several differences between the two cases... but, hey, you just did say they "pestered" you and that they made you "uncomfortable". So I guess you DO think their behavior was bad! And despite being gay and male I AGREE with you, and I would be offended if you suggested that it was related to their being gay and/or male rather than offended if you didn't.
                                                                                                  But only when it's done to you. Not when it's done to lesbians in a situation that has several factors that make it worse.
                                                                                                  Noted.
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                                                                                                    • edtastic > Pat a year ago
                                                                                                      They are human beings pursuing what they sexually desire and we shouldn't be shaming people for asking or flirting with people. It doesn't matter if your gay, male, or female. We are born with a natural desire to have sex with other human beings and asking for sex directly or indirectly should not be viewed as some great evil that needs to be purged because these activities on occasion make some people uncomfortable. For sure we should encourage courteous behavior but fact people on occasion make a bad pass isn't a social crisis.
                                                                                                      What I see from people like you is a desire to control everyone around you. That's not going to happen and it's time you adjust to life among free humans instead of insisting everyone conform to your rigid ideals.
                                                                                                        see more
                                                                                        • Roger Fancher > edtastic 3 months ago
                                                                                          Ordering anyone to do anything that goes against their concienscous objections as if homosexuality was elete is unconscionable
                                                                                            see more
                                                                                            • Roger Fancher > Roger Fancher 3 months ago
                                                                                              As for drafting someone to prepare a cake for a gay wedding contrary to their conscientious objections, there is absolutelyno threshold that can make that necessity possible-no matter how many(or few) prospective bakers. If there are plenty of willing bakers, drafting one would be a waste of time because they don't need to. If there are NOT any willing bakers, the cause isn't "popular" enough. I've heard a number of things about these issues-both ways, but if the law is making anyone do this, That's sexual harassment PLUS! Any way you look @ it. Sexual harassment laws need to apply equally across all orientations. Nobody has a "right" to not be agreed w/.myself included..If I can live w/ it, so can everybody else.
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                                                                                      • Avatar
                                                                                        Guest > edtastic a year ago
                                                                                        Um. Don't you think you'd be more likely to listen to your friend than a random girl?
                                                                                        "A man calling out another man is some serious line crossing which may never be forgiven" <-- that is some world-class bullshit right there.
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                                                                                          • edtastic > Guest a year ago
                                                                                            I'd be more likely to listen to my own judgment rather than have random people assert their moral authority over my actions so that I may serve them however they see fit. I see the attempt to shame others into acting on your behalf as manipulative and controlling. You can state your own principals and practice what you preach but you cross the line in asserting it's everyone else's duty to behave the way you do in every situation.
                                                                                            This is even more important when you consider the line between harassment and flitting can be vague. One person's harassment can be another's humorous flirtation. That's why I think it's best to leave it up to the individual to make their own call and stand up for themselves when they feel a line has been crossed. Why put others in the position of having to be mind readers?
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                                                                                            • Mel > edtastic 11 months ago
                                                                                              I'm going to call you on this. A guy shouldn't call out another guy to 'save' some girl. He should call out another guy to save himself. If he hears a man representing his gender in a way he doesn't agree with, and he keeps silent, he should know by now that is seen as agreement. He should be speaking out to distance himself from that representation of his gender, not to 'save' some girl. ;-)
                                                                                                see more
                                                                                              • librarygrrl64 > Five Second Rule a year ago
                                                                                                That sucks. :-(
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                                                                                                • Cat Kelley > reckoner a year ago
                                                                                                  Spot on. Be my boyfriend.
                                                                                                    see more
                                                                                                    • Cait Lin > reckoner 4 months ago
                                                                                                      BINGO.
                                                                                                      Using a stereotype to argue against using another stereotype is sloppy and dumb. Really takes away from your point.
                                                                                                        see more
                                                                                                      • Miss Marmalade > Doc Holligay a year ago
                                                                                                        I kind of wish you could be our new Lesbian Issues Contributor!
                                                                                                          see more
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