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A PSA: rape happens...a lot. (self.TwoXChromosomes)

submitted by Langlie

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[–]NatureBorg -63 ポイント-62 ポイント

Wtf can you explain how it was rape if it started off consenual and you didn't fight it?? I mean at what point mid sex could it become rape? I am genuinely curious and this thread just makes me feel like a rape all my girlfriends but they don't say anything :(

[–]clumsybat 85 ポイント86 ポイント

Well, I was in a lot of pain and I did tell him to stop, and he told me no. I told him to again, he didn't, and I was wincing in pain and crying.

I didn't scream or fight, but I felt that I was firm and clear. I don't really feel comfortable discussing it further. Sorry.

[–]sparkledarkles 22 ポイント23 ポイント

Yes,that was a very clear stop. Thanks for sharing your story.Usually a guy who worries about being accused of rape and says so,or says he was,is someone to not trust.There are the rare exceptions,but in general it's a red flag.

[–]kochipoik 3 ポイント4 ポイント

I wouldn't say that's a clear red flag - it could also be a sign that they're wanting to ensure that their behaviour is acceptable. Which is a good thing

[–]sparkledarkles 0 ポイント1 ポイント

It could be.I did say there were exceptions.And usually there are other red flags combined with that one that means run away from this dude.

[–]lavenderblue 1 ポイント2 ポイント

Thank you for sharing your story; hopefully it enlightens this individual somewhat. Just a gentle reminder that you don't owe your story to anybody, especially not some rando on the internet, and you don't have to tell it if you don't want to.

[–]laceyolacey 64 ポイント65 ポイント

If she says 'no, stop, I don't want to do this anymore' and you keep going, that's how it becomes rape. She doesn't have to physically fight or yell in your face to convey that she doesn't want to keep having sex, a simple no should be adequate.

[–]pillow_kitty 39 ポイント40 ポイント

Not the OP, but I can give an example of sex starting consensually and becoming non-consensual. She might have consented to sex, but it started to hurt halfway through, so she asked him to stop. Or she might have started feeling nauseous and asked to stop. There's a lot of reasons that someone might stop wanting to have sex in the middle, which is why its important that no means no, including in the middle of sex.

I wouldn't worry about raping your girlfriends unless they are requesting that you stop and you ignore them and say "give me a few minutes, I'm almost done".

[–]type40tardis 2 ポイント3 ポイント

It doesn't really matter why; if someone says "stop", then you stop. It need only be as simple as their wanting to stop.

[–]psycoatde 19 ポイント20 ポイント

I would imagine he did something she wasn't comfortable with and she went into shock / had the freeze reaction from fight/flight/freeze. Many rape victims do, which is why the 'didn't you fight/scream?' question is so problematic.

Honestly, if you are interested in your partners' enjoyment during sex you shouldn't have huge issues with this, just please look into enthusiastic consent. There IS a difference between lying there and taking it with wide eyes and consenting enthusiastically. Even if your partner is more quiet you can still prompt them, it really is NOT a turnoff to make sure you have consent with something as simple as "Yeah... do you like that? How about when I do this?"

Same with trying new stuff. New stuff could trigger your partner, new stuff could excite them. Why would you risk it? Just ask! "Hey, I read this magazine and they had an article about using candlewax during sex... Wanna try it?"

Thats all it takes.

Also, this is relevant regarding enthusiastic consent and the channel in general is amazing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TD2EooMhqRI

[–]horseyhorseyhorsey -5 ポイント-4 ポイント

So are you telling me that it in your opinion it could be possible that I (as a male) could be engaging in what started out as fully consensual sex, but unbeknownst to me I am actually raping someone simply if they change their mind mid-intercourse and fail to inform me?

[–]psycoatde 6 ポイント7 ポイント

Is that really what you took out of my post? I did mention asking questions, communicating with your partner, watching your partners' reactions...

Again, there IS a difference between just lying there wide eyed and enthusiastic consent. Please don't tell me you don't know that.

In any case: if you are not sure? Friggin' ask ffs! A bit of embarassment or a chuckle (sex should be fun anyway) is worth avoiding actually raping and hurting someone! At least it should be.

[–]mightyflynn 7 ポイント8 ポイント

you pay attention to your partners' reactions during sex, right? If she says "ow", you change what you're doing, right?

This is just like that. She says no, ow, stop - the person you were responding to started wiping in pain.

If you even remotely pay attention, you're fine.

And if someone is crying in pain, and you don't care, then you're a terrible person.

[–]truffaldino3359 2 ポイント3 ポイント

If you can't tell that your partner is suddenly not into it any more then you might want to check what you're doing.

[–]MinionOfDoom -1 ポイント0 ポイント

If they are not under the influence of any drugs (to the point that they are verbally unresponsive), are of legally consenting age, and are fully capable of saying no, but they don't, then no, it's not rape. The only way it would be rape in that situation is if there has been a history of intimidation in the relationship where she has said no previously, been ignored or abused because of it and has decided to shut up for future altercations because she's afraid.

[–]lavenderblue 10 ポイント11 ポイント

Oh good lord. If you think you could be raping your girlfriend and don't know it, either you are having terrible sex or don't care at at ALL about your girlfriend.

If she says no and you don't stop, it's rape. You don't need to have bruises or scratch marks from her fighting you for it to have been rape.

[–]Nonna9 [score hidden]

Seriously. I cant believe someone could say 'stop' and start crying and the dude wont even at least pull out or ask of you're ok. Where are these guys having sex? On active airplane runways? Pitch black death metal concerts?

[–]TangerineX -4 ポイント-3 ポイント

I feel like he's asking a genuine question. As a guy, it's not completely obvious how "it started out concensual" and "I didn't fight it" can turn out to be rape. I confess that I had the same question upon reading the post.

As some advice, try to word your questions a bit more carefully, or else people will be quite upset with you.

[–]refanius [score hidden]

I agree. I think it's worth discussing. I dunno what the down votes are about.

[–]DefinitelyNotFreud [score hidden]

"Please stop"

Is that so hard to figure out?

[–]TangerineX [score hidden]

In fact, it is, which is why rape is such a problem in the first place. Many people believe that once consent is given, the result should be permanent. Regardless of whether or not this point of view is "wrong" or not, we cannot dismiss that this point of view exists. Although people who don't believe in evolution are "stupid", we can't just pretend that they don't exist, and that "how hard could it be to figure out"

I think NatureBorg may have had a first thought about whether or not that clumnsybat somehow decided that it was rape after the sex. From just the description that clumsybat said, she would have 0 chance of getting her then boyfriend convicted of rape in court. From the description, I don't think you can rule this out as a possibility just from the first statement, and thus NaturBorg asks for clarification.