Grumbles Textily

Depressing Lists

Things I am:

1. disgusting
2. fat
3. ugly
4. gross
5. disproportionate
6. ugly face
7. stupid
8. over emotional
9. whiney.
10. needy
11. obsessive
12. controlling
13. overly attached
14. dramatic
15. irrational
16. noisy
17. obnoxious
18. annoying
19. pathetic
20. lazy
21. Short
22. Zhy

Things I wish I could be/have:

1. attractive [or think I’m attractive or see what other people see]
2. quiet
3. less noisy
4. less talkative
5. less distracting
6. less obnoxious
7. more respectful of others
8. more selfless
9. better dressed
10. longer hair
11. eyes that are symmetrical
12. breasts
13. proportionate limbs
14. thin thighs
15. wrists that bracelets would fit on.
16. normal sized body
17. average height
18. deeper voice
19. more open
20. better at communicating my needs and feelings

What I feel:

1. Depressed
2. ugly
3. fat
4. disgusting and disgusted
5. horrible person
6. horrible friend
7. like I shouldn’t be allowed to exist
8. that everyone around me is either a robot or is trying to get something out of me or just trying to be excruciatingly polite and these are the only reasons they treat me so kindly because I really don’t deserve it I should be abandoned in a fucking trash dump
9. That people secretly are lying to me on a regular basis to make me feel good but really they just hate me and can’t find the way to make me leave them alone. 
10. that I’m never good enough
11. that I will never be good enough
12. that I have never been good enough
13. that I’m the ugly duckling that will never turn into a swan because I’m just an ugly duckling forever. 
14. lost child in a train station except instead of finding my parents someone pushes me in front of the train and lets me die. Angel of Mercy.
15. hopeless
16. that I should give up on anything I do hope for
17. I should just die
18. waste of time
19. wasting everyone’s time
20. crazy
21. over emotional
22. piece of worthless shit

Things I wish I could do:

1. cut
2. starve myself
3. get thin
4. get better
5. be a robot with no feelings or emotions
6. have an on off switch for my emotions
7. be numb
8. be empty. I don’t know if I’d rather be empty or full of emotions but idc rn.
9. get drunk and not have it spiral my depression even worse
10. fuck all the people I want to fuck even though that’s rape and bad and I don’t even want to have sex. 
11. save the people I love
12. protect the people I love
13. give the people I love the version of me they deserve
14. save myself for them
15. love myself like they love me 
16. keep them from feeling anything I have ever felt or anything they have ever felt.
17. protect them from me
18. erase me from their memories so if I die or go crazy they wont’ hurt so much
19. erase them so if I decide to kill myself I won’t feel guilty [if you feel anything afterwards? I’m too scared to anyway]
20. actually appreciate cuddling rn, instead I just want to die
21. communicate what I’m feeling and have myself truly understood and respected for what I have to say by the one person who should 
22. cut my head off; it’s not worth anything anyway
23. take a long vacation from being aliev
24. have more anti depressants
25. stop taking this stupid fucking medication that makes me feel too much even though it gets rid of my dysphoria
26. go the fuck to sleep. But i’m too depressed to sleep.