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I follow people who inspire me to smile on my darkest days. I tweet in hopes to return the favor. If that sounds corny, blow me.
I sniffed so much cocaine the dollar bill I used to sniff it turned into courtney love's birth certificate
In this day and age, the closest most of us will get to finding happiness is free wifi and an economy-sized tub of Nutella.
Just like Santa can't be at every mall, Santa can't peer into every window. That's why he has helpers, officer.
Our son keeps writing Santa asking why there was nothing but a pool of vomit under the tree last year.
I'm green in the way that I'll run my air conditioner to offset the heat put out by my enormous television.
If you let a mate drink at your place because his wife doesn't like him drinking, you'll soon discover why she doesn't like him drinking.
"Hey now, I'm a locksmith, I cut your locks off, get paid..." -Probably what the singer from Smash Mouth does nowadays