Around this time last year, a bouncer at a Brisbane nightclub was furious - he’d lost his favourite shirt.
As I dug through my wallet to find my driver’s licence and mentally rehearsed my usual lie (“How many have you had?” – “Just a couple”), he told me he had sifted through every drawer and looked under every seat in his Commodore.
“Oh yeah it’s always the last place you look or something,” I mumbled as I pulled out a Target gift card.
Then he dropped this little pearl: “Yeah it’s pissing me off ‘cause it’s almost Aussie Day and I won’t be able to tell ‘em ‘we grew here, you flew here’.”
Excuse me? Tell whom, exactly?
The truth is, we all know exactly who my burly friend was talking about. One of my mates, Michael, falls right into his target audience.
Michael is half Swiss, half Lebanese and definitely ‘grew’ here.
Last Australia Day he was walking to the local Night Owl when a car-load of boozed-up yobs pulled up beside him and shouted: “Happy Australia Day… ya f—-ing ethnic!”
Classy. No doubt they continued on their merry way to salute the flag by pouring a slushy over the Indian bloke’s head at the Night Owl.
First up, you should know that I love Australia Day – as well as Australia.
It’s a day when we celebrate our tenacity, our ability to unite when faced with hardship (the floods are an awe-inspiring example of this) and those few traditions we call our own.
This is a land of opportunity. We’re inventive, spirited, welcoming and neighbourly.
Well, most of us anyway.
There is a small, but vocal minority, who seem intent on spoiling our national day of celebration for anyone who isn’t white, sports an accent or doesn’t enjoy glassing people as a way of winning sports-related arguments.
My parents immigrated to Australia in the early 80s from New Zealand (they were both born in Kenya).
They’ve both worked hard, paid their taxes and often volunteer for various things.
They were both extraordinarily proud to become citizens and have rarely uttered a bad word about this country.
I can still remember the intense rage I felt when some fool pulled that “F—- off, we’re full crap” in Year 7.
In reply, I used some very grown up words.
He told me to shove it because he was a “fifth-generation Aussie”.
I (not-so-politely) mentioned the scores of “fifth-generation Aussies” that were lying around various parks in Cairns and selling pot to 12-year-olds beside Digger’s Corner, the local convenience store.
For almost 20 years, I told him, my parents had been supporting these clowns through their taxes.
These same leeches are often the ones who use Australia Day as an opportunity to tell foreigners to get back on their boats.
They’ll parade through Surfers Paradise draped in flags, snarling at the same Asian tourists who keep the glitter strip glittery, before getting stupidly drunk and tying up the courts for months.
Again, these idiots represent only a tiny percentage of Australians – the same miniscule group who managed to globally humiliate the rest of us through their despicable antics at Cronulla.
The vast majority of people are more than content to host a pool party, chuck some beers in the esky and fire up the barbecue come January 26.
Those who insist on promoting their bizarre and embarrassing form of patriotism generally seem to be the ones who contribute the least.
Australia’s achievements will never be their own.
There is nothing viler than brandishing a Southern Cross tattoo or flag as some kind of hate banner.
This isn’t an attempt to fuel debate about asylum seekers or immigration policies.
I’m simply talking about respecting all Australians - not just the ones that fit some dated stereotype.
I know plenty of Indian, Chinese, Italian and Lebanese immigrants who would jump at the chance to defend our shores and risk their own lives if the situation called for it.
Our defence forces are full of such people – many of whom will be spending Australia Day in the Middle East.
On January 26, let’s not let a handful of bitter fools taint our day of celebration, or defile our national symbols of solidarity.
Most of us know Australia Day is a chance to reflect on how lucky we are and raise a glass to those who helped build this nation – whether they grew here or flew here.
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