I'm a little high on vicodin (took it so I can sleep and not get my schedule really really fucked up).... and I'm buzzing from too many red bulls and a weekend of reuniting with my only real "life long friend" who was touring through Portland with another friend's band... blah blah blah.

It's actually really funny, because the get-together wasn't exactly the most amazing experience I've ever had... actually ranked pretty low in terms of fun, excitement, interesting events, etc.

... but there was a depth there I haven't experienced in a while, because I really felt connected in a cosmic love kind of way to my traveling friends which I haven't really felt with anybody else recently. I mean, I haven't seen them in over three years, yet when they were here it was like nothing had changed... if anything, the fact they were all the way here in the NW (they're from Austin) was a beautiful testament to their desire and motivation to expand musically, socially, etc.

... and through that, I felt my own recent turn of events was reflected in a similar way, because I too am taking bold strides to move forward with my dreams and aspirations.

So all in all it was epicly inspiring, and I've already been on a wild rocket-ride forward with my dreams and goals in the past few months, but this was just... I dunno... karmic icing on the cake to be around people I cared about who were pushing forward as well.

I've never felt so alive before.... and this isn't the vicodin talking. This has been on-going for a while now... actually really starting when I had to let Lara and Lily go.

For those who don't know, Lara, a friend of mine I met a while back here in Portland, had been building pedals for me for quite a while now.

... then a month or two ago, I had saved up quite a bit of money and decided to hire on more help and just fucking punch through pedal orders until I was caught up and then some. This was inspired by the way Malekko (and probably most other sane pedal companies) handles business... always having pedals in stock, never having to build-on-demand.

So I had Lily and Lara building pedals, and I was as well... and then November rolled around and there was a decent little back stock, but no more money coming in, and I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have to my parts inventory, so I knew there was going to be a week ahead of me that I couldn't afford to pay for any help... Lara included.

The thing is too, there was no guarantee orders would come in the next week so that the ball could keep rolling.

Lara said she couldn't promise to stick around, and I'm in need of contract labor that can make me a relative priority when things pick back up, which she couldn't, so that was that.

It was just me again. It -is- just me again, building pedals.

... no I'm not hiring. More on that in a second.

So why did I have such a problem financially to keep building back stock after the week I was short on parts. I mean, I've had all this help.... pumping out pedals to retailers, clearing out old orders, etc. etc.

... well ... I finally fucking did it.

Here's where the personal side of things come into play... and I've been debating back and forth whether I wanted to talk about this stuff, but I really feel like being open right now, so here I go.

For those who don't know, I was born with a pretty serious hormonal disorder. Too much testosterone, not enough estrogen... which has lead to the masculinization of my body to the point I grew up looking like a guy, so my parents raised me as a guy, but I'm not a guy, so as you can imagine life has been a bit of a living hell until I decided to take steps to make things right... which I've been doing the past few years.

The related surgeries, hormone treatments, facial hair removal... have all cost tens of thousands of dollars... I'm probably already into the $100k range with everything I've had to go through up until now.

This is why my business has never seen the kind of explosive growth companies like Malekko have. Not only have i had to deal with the financial burden of these physical corrections, but there's been the mental and emotional burden of putting all the fucked up pieces into place.

... and fortunately the mental emotional side of things have been improving steadily as I get closer and closer to correcting all the biological mistakes brought on by my hormonal imbalance.

So yeah... what did I fucking do that I'm so excited about? Why did I have to let some good contractors go so suddenly? Why am I about the happiest little devi that could ever exist ever?

... well, it's because I finally was able to save up the money for corrective facial surgery.

This is why you never see me in the videos. This is why even though I've put up my pictures in the past, even done vlogs where you could see me, I've always taken them down... because at the end of the day I'm not happy with the way I look. It's not a self-esteem body dysmorphic disorder thing... I have some seriously masculine-looking characteristics of my face which are only there as a result of testosterone influencing my skull to develop in the shape of a man.

It's horrible... heavy brow bone (like a fucking neanderthal), freakish Jay Leno sized chin, wide squared jaw, and unfortunately a high hairline I wasn't able to fully recover before correcting my hormones.

The thing is, I've learned way to manage these flaws to the best of my ability... I wear bangs to cover my forehead.... long hair to mask the squareness of my jaw... but my chin can't be hidden, and I'd like to not have to hide my face and have people STILL sometimes mistake me for a guy before actually talking to me and realizing I'm not.

The worst of it is putting on make up actually enhances in the masculine qualities even more and I end looking like a cross dressing man which is no fun at all.

So yeah.... I managed to save the money.... I set the date... and I'll soon be heading down to San Francisco where the world's leading surgical expert in regards to such corrective surgeries will be spending a 10-12 hour surgical work day going to town on my skull to make things right.

I'll be on a morphine drip for a few days in the hospital... will have to deal with packing and staples and dissolvable stitches for a few weeks... and then suffer the agony of waiting anywhere between 6 months to a year for all the swelling to go down to really see the full results of the surgery. On top of that I'll be left with numb spots on parts of my face and head (an unfortunate side effect of such intense surgery... a pretty severe scar that will fortunately be hidden by my hair... and I'll have fun bits of wire and some screws in various parts of my head.

BUT... all the rough edges will be gone... shorter, tapered chin, rounded jaw, smooth brow bone, normal hair line... and some other small things that go into making everything look normal.

There is still uncertainty though... of the result. This isn't like getting a hair cut... always the chance of complications, no guarantee things will heal evenly, etc. ... but I'd rather look like a woman who's had a little work done than an androgynous creature often mistaken for a man.

But this is about you as much as it is about me... because you're here for the fuzz, and I'm the bearer of fuzz, and the fuzz is here for me to move forward with my love, which came from the fuzz... ahmen.

I might have to hire help again... (no I'm not hiring, please don't ask)... but I don't think I'm going to have to. I realized that Lara and Lily were ultimately doing the same amount of work I could do on my own if I worked -really- hard.

... and the numbers don't lie. In a few months I was able to save up for this surgery (which I will say this much... is in the tens of thousands of dollars) while taking care of my normal day to day expenses + paying for help + keeping the business running.

So with out the need to save up for such an expensive surgery again... and not having to pay for help, I will be able to save up even more money purely for the business, which means better things are ahead for everyone!

My ultimate goal for the business now is pretty simple :

1) First and foremost get production out from underneath me without me having to directly manage people myself. This simply means I am going to have to find a manufacturing plant, preferably here in the USA, to build my products for me. That's going to require forward capital and a new way of looking at my products so that I can easily have my entire line of fuzz built via a factory without me having to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on initial production. Fear not, I have this all fucking figured out.

2) With a factory taking care of production I will need to hand off management of the company to someone I trust, because my next personal goal is to work on music and art full time, while living off royalties from my own business. This is probably the grayest area for me at this point because the only person I trust for this job is Josh at Malekko and I'm not quite sure if he'd be interested. This is the kinda thing I'll have to see what happens when I get my pedals in full production via a factory.

3) With production and management out from underneath me, even though I'll be moving on to do music and art full time, I'll be spending part time spear heading new product development for the business which I'm hoping, funded by what I'm hoping will be an incredibly exciting and lucrative direction for where the original line is heading, will turn into a Line 6 style industry-game-changing kinda company.

So all that being said... it's a make it or break it deal for me this next six months. I'll be pushing forward with every ounce of energy I have to get through step 1 by summer 2011. The most exciting part of step 1 is the fact that there is absolutely NOTHING standing in my way other than doing the work. The idea I have to get there is fully laid out, I just have to write up the design documents, find the right manufacturing company to work with, and save up the money.

Demand is still amazing, and production has been a breeze for me recently (as it should be seeing as I've been building pedals for 7 years and still continue to make the process more efficient for myself).

So once step 1 is rolled out, it's simply a matter of success or failure. Having the pedals made in a factory and thusly always being in stock for when retailers are ready to order is either going to help push things further for me financially quickly, or prove that I'm in a dead end game and need to find a new way to make money... but as I'm sure you all can imagine, things have never really slowed down for me, so I'm confident that it'll be a hop skip and jump into steps 2 and 3, and I wouldn't be surprised if by early 2012 we start seeing new non-fuzz products headed into production, and a lot more of me out there touring and playing music.

So yeah. Surgery is in a month or so. My mother will be there to support me, my brother will be taking care of my house and cats and then spending time with me and my mother afterwards... and even though I'll have a few weeks of serious recovery time, I'll be right back in the saddle kicking ass... and by the time the pedals get into a factory come summer 2011, I should be relatively well healed to show my face on the internet... though sometimes I fantasize about not, and forcing people to come watch me on tour when I start playing music to finally see the whole package for the first time.

So yeah. Fucking life changing shit is going down my friends... I used to be all talk and a little play, but now the fucking play is on mother fuckers.

Game... fucking.... on.

P.S. As always with times I get real personal, I may very well delete this post in the near future. It's a devi thing I do, so don't be surprised, and thanks for sharing this moment with me while it was here.

That's really exciting Devi I really admire the way you've started to take control of your goals and be successful with them. I wish you all the best with your surgery!

You know we're always here for you Devi. It's a tough old ride, especially in the US where you have to pay for everything yourself.

It's a good economic case for better/affordable/free health care, so then more money can go into epic fuzzes to boost the economy

Of course I still have to pay for laser and a private psycholady(she's German, it's worth it) so I can't dump money into fuzz ATM either Sucks to be us.

It's a tough life being so awesome.

Yeah I agree. Everyone wants a piece of you and like yo bitch there's only so much of me to go around.

Good luck with everything, things seem to be looking really upwards for you. You are an epic person.

May the fuzzx be with you.

Im very happy that you are looking forward to that surgery. Things like that are not easy. But in the end, im very sure you will be a changed person. And im also looking forward to your plans to expand the bussiness. But trust me if i say: you need to learn how to trust people. You cant do things like that all by yourself, or even with 2 people. Its hard work, and even if you manage to get a factory, its still a job that needs attention every day. Because, in the end, there is nobody other than yourself that can the things YOU have envisiond.

Despite my age i have a lot of experience on starting companies (thanks to my dad). If you ever have any quesions or doubts, feel free to ask me anything.
Good luck with the company, and more important, with your life

Good luck and a quick recovery!

It's all coming together, and it's gonna be great!
You've worked very hard for a long time. I personally think your brilliant, and fully capable of anything you wish to do. My respect for you is huge!

Good luck Devi and a speedy, uncomplicated recovery!

Devi you should not delete such a compelling and inspiring post. But hey it's your game. I'd like to say that I feel like I understand a little more now. I had a few silly questions in my head that you just answered for me, so thanks. Not that your personal life is my business. But (and I'm sure I'm not the only one here) I admire and look up to you. You've been one of the reasons I've started recently doing some pedal work myself lately. And I tell everyone I know about your pedals. I'm always like "Look at this stuff, it's fucking amazing, and I'm like this is a chic building these things," always hoping to Inspire the females around me!

And this is probly a good time to ask just one basic question: If I buy pedals directly from you are you making more money that way than if I buy from one of your retailers? Because if so I will strictly buy direct so that I know it's helping you out financially.

I wish you the best for everything you plan to do. You seem to be a very strong person so I'm not really worrying for you, good luck and godspeed !

The best of luck with everything and hoping for the fastest recovery possible.
The world of Fuzz needs you.

Fo' real, gal. You have to let us know about this point. I only buy direct right now anyway, but I can spread the word that people should buy direct. Some people prefer to buy from big companies because of their return policy (and the price is the same from them...), but I figure you can't get a better warranty than from the lady herself.

BTW, you already are a game changer in your fuzzy world. We really love you, Dev.