I met my husband 11 years ago. I was carrying my guitar into my dorm room on freshman move-in day at the University of Southern Maine. I saw him eyeing my guitar with great interest. When he knocked on my door and introduced himself, he said, “Hey! I’m Adam. I live across the hall. I’m a computer geek!”
It was a bold move on his part. Being a computer geek ten years ago wasn’t exactly “hot” and he was either socially ignorant to this fact, or he just didn’t care. Regardless, I was in love. I wasn’t even a computer geek myself at the time, but I was smitten with his forwardness and his apparent lack of concern about his own geekery. Finding out that he also played guitar sealed the deal. Fate would have it that he lived directly across the hall from me.
In the following weeks, months and years, he was able to hold my attention as he ranted about hardware specs for his gaming machines, his god-like status in Unreal Tournament matches, his ColdFusion senior project application, and his long explanations on programming theory. I sat and watched in amazement as he built and tore down PCs. I listened to him talk through programming problems and watched him build websites. All the while I was planning some vague career with political science and english, but I was nonetheless interested in Adam’s life.
It was no accident that years later I knew that “Ruby” wasn’t just July’s birthstone and that “Ruby on Rails” wasn’t a rebellious act of sacrificing precious gems on railroad tracks in hipster neighborhoods. I spent years actually being engaged in his interests. And when he fell in love with Ruby in late 2005, I was supporting him all the way and knew exactly why Ruby was incredible. Several years later, when I decided to learn Ruby, I came out with a post on my blog about the Ruby community. A lot of people were confused as to how a Ruby newb could already understand the Ruby community so well. Truth was, I had been following the community for quite some time before I ever decided to learn to program in Ruby. I knew all the big names, the trends, and the history before I ever opened up TextMate and saved a .rb file.
Do you get that glazed, faraway look in your eye when you partner starts talking about a programming problem, or the newest testing framework? There’s no need to be bored. Ask questions, try to understand! When I meet women today, I don’t avoid talking about the work that I do, my love for pc gaming, or my fascination with D&D and other such geekery. Often I’ll get a response along these lines: “Programming? My husband does something like that I think.” To which I always inquire, “Oh really? What language does he work with?” Their response is always the same: “Language? huh. I have no idea. There’s more than one? I don’t really know what he does. I don’t pay attention to that stuff.”
This always blows my mind. You’re married to someone, and you aren’t interested enough in the person to know anything about what they do with nearly 40-50% of their time, aside from their job title? Is it dangerous to draw a correlation between high divorce rates and the lack of interest that people have in their partners lives? It’s easy to fall in love with the “idea” of a person when you first meet them. But I think it would be hard to endure a lifetime of ups and downs, trials and tribulations and the everyday challenges that life throws at two people, if those partners didn’t have a truly vested interest in each other’s passions and life’s work. And if you don’t have even a basic understanding of what your spouse does with 40+hours of his/her week, then you’re not on a team.
I’m not suggesting that you give up your own individuality and personal interests when you meet someone special. But open your mind enough to experience the world through your partner’s eyes. I admit there were occasions when Adam would be on his third diatribe of the evening on meta-programming, and my mind would start to wander. But I was generally engaged in his interests. And why wouldn’t I be? Falling in love involves getting to know a person. And getting to know a person usually involves talking about and understanding each other’s personal interests. Adam certainly had to endure hundreds of hours listening to Ani Difranco, Dar Williams, and Iron & Wine albums, along with my absurdly psychotic analysis of all of the lyrics. He learned to play tennis at my prompting, although I have to swallow losing nearly every game to him now. He watched my ballet performances in college, and even knew how to pronounce a few of the positions. Below is a photo of Adam and I embarking on a hike up Tumbledown Mountain. It captures Adam’s willingness to step away from the computer for a day and partake in my interest in the outdoors. He was a trooper.
hiking up Tumbledown Mountain in Maine
It should not be hard to be engaged in your partner’s interests. If it is that hard, you might want consider the possibility that you might be full of yourself. Even amongst my friends, I make a concerted effort to listen and understand their individual interests and passions. I always learn something new, and sometimes I get to discover a new passion for myself.
Professionally, I wouldn’t be where I am today, if I had daydreamed my way through Adam’s geek rants. Our relationship resulted in thousands of hours of video gaming, late-night programming tutorials, brainstorming sessions for new apps, some camping trips and lots of folk music. Even if you don’t follow a similar career path as your spouse, being interested in their work and their hobbies can open up other doors for you. It broadens your world view and helps you to suck less as a human being. It’s about being part of a team that works together. I don’t professionally program like Adam; I’m not built that way. I understand programming, but unfortunately I wasn’t given Legos to play with as a child, math skills were never encouraged in school or at home, and the engineering/problem-solving side was never nurtured. So, while I enjoy programming, it comes a lot harder to me than it does for others. But writing is a strength, and programming and technology is a huge interest of mine - so scoring a gig as Intridea’s Community Manager really rocked my world. I keep my eye into the world that I love, my finger on the pulse of it, and the work that results is always rewarding and fun.
So if you’re with someone new, find a way to be interested in the the things they like to talk about. And if you’re with someone old, rediscover the love of your life by asking about their work and listening to their response. Don’t feign interest. And please, don’t be one of those girls that doesn’t know what language her husband programs in. Be the cool wife that surprises her husband’s dorky friends when she knows Java is, and can engage in a short discussion on the evangelicalism of the Ruby community without asking, “Honey, I didn’t know you were a jeweler!”
Thursday, 12. August 2010
interesting, saw it on reddit !
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Every well written, you are a lucky couple !
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Nice post.
Your husband is very privileged to have someone with such an open mind and curiosity.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Nice post. I will make an effort to learn about my gf’s dancing after reading this
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Your husband tolerated hours of Ani Difranco? That dear is a sign of true love, you better keep him.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
hum,
you sure you’re that happy with adam^H^H^H^Hrubby ?
maybe you should try ocaml !
(just kidding).
Thursday, 12. August 2010
10 years too late! curses! you’re pretty awesome.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Great blog, glad I came across it on Reddit. I’m still a college sophomore but I’m hoping that special someone can be just as open as you are. I know I will be.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Very well said, and very well written. Great attitude from both of you. The word ‘team’ in a marriage makes so much sense!
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Renae-
You hit it on the spot right here: “It should not be hard to be engaged in your partner’s interests. If it is that hard, you might want consider the possibility that you might be full of yourself.”
Its funny, the most interesting people I have ever met have nearly nothing in common with me, except their desire to be excited about what excites other people.
I am not married. But I do know that if you value someone in your life you need to be excited about the things they are excited about…otherwise you are just a downer to their ups. Its so awesome to see how well you have articulated this aspect of your relationship here.
Thanks!
Thursday, 12. August 2010
you are very nice i like to fuck you hard in the pussy
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Well written article, Renae. Being open-minded and thus socializing with and learning from people, is the best way to enrichen yourself and your experience in this (small) world.
I wish you a nice, long future with your ‘geek’.
A Belgian Java software engineer
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Thanks. I think I can now imagine making an effort to get involved in my wife’s wildly complex clothes-making patterns and planning. I had a guilty moment when I realized that I do daydream when the details start flying
Thursday, 12. August 2010
As a completely anecdotal counterpoint, relationships do work even if your partner doesn’t understand what you’re doing. At least in my case.
I am a developer, my partner is a jeweler. She really has no idea what all this stuff is about. The thing that makes it work is that she’s interested, and willing to listen. She won’t ever explore - god knows I tried to get her addicted
- but that’s OK.
I’m not that into jewelry making, either. Sure, I got the basics, but that’s it. I’m completely uninterested in acquiring the particular set of skills that goes with doing things well in that field, so I stay out of it.
We still talk about our fields, and it has the benefit that it forces us to explain as we’d explain to any other lay person - but with a vested interest that the other person understands. It has certainly made us better teachers in our fields.
So, long post short: It doesn’t matter if you know the particulars of your partners field, or what the Ruby community is like. All that matters is that you care about them and are interested enough to listen. (At least IMHO)
Thursday, 12. August 2010
nice article…got my girlfriend reading it and hopefully may have effect on “us”
Thursday, 12. August 2010
you have a wonderful mind,
and i loved reading your post
thanks!
Thursday, 12. August 2010
I will anonymously send this link to my cherished girlfriend who even did not try the Wii I bought for her
Btw, you do not seem to tell everything … you even studied Computer Science at the University of Southern Maine apprently …
Thursday, 12. August 2010
I really enjoyed your story. You guys are very lucky enough to have eah other.All the best for your programming lessons
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Nice read,
Everything you described here is one of the concepts in “How to win friends and influence people” - By Dale Carnegie. A great book, terrible title.
I highly recommend people read this book if you enjoyed Renae’s article on this subject.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Very nice article. Very well written. Kudos
Thursday, 12. August 2010
I totally agree with you!!! I try to get involved with what my fiancee is doing and interested in. What better way to spend time with the one you love and get to know them better.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
right on target! We “try” to do the same. I’m in IT and my wife is in biotech. I read and learnt about stem cells, genome, sequencing etc. along the way and she knows a thing or two about java and machine learning now - good enough for us to talk things out with each other. This blog just motivates us further.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Excellent post, very interesting. As I was reading it I was thinking of my girlfriend and how she shows little interest in my work and hobbies, but I realised I am guilty of this too, and as a result I am going to make the effort to know her better.
You strike me as a very curious and enthusiastic person about learning, and it’s contagious.
Peace!
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Your husband is a very lucky man, my ex wife thought that I got paid for just sitting in front a computer and one of the reasons why she left me is because I love videogames and movies.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
It’s fantastic to see a lady take such interest in her husbands career!
It shows massive respect for your husband which is awesome as most men would rather be unloved than disrespected.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Very interesting indeed. i like the article and i hope someday i will meet someone like you! it’s a good lesson for other people also!
this is a good article and those who like to use vulgar language, please excuse us!
merci beacoup et bon chance a tous……….
Thursday, 12. August 2010
I’ve always felt that by choosing to become a programmer I have chosen one of the most creative paths in life.
I brainstorm, I design, I architect every single day. In my programs data flow in viaducts, along highway, through tunnels - I vision it, I form it, I shape it and unlike most other creative jobs I also get to build all of it. Yes thousands of lines of code and massive amounts of complexity - it’s very rewarding when it finally comes alive. A system that lives and breathes and it carries my human touch!
Only downside is that no one else sees it or understands it.
I keep doing it because I like to build stuff and only to a lesser degree because I’m payed to do it - motivation comes from the inside and I can’t stop.
To family and friends I just sit in front of a screen - they probably think I should have chosen something more creative..
But like I said motivation comes from the inside, I don’t need anyone to praise my work but it must be nice to have a wife that understands what it is you do
I think I can speak for many programmers when I say we envy your husband.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Awesome account
Breathed more life into my soul. Thank you!
Thursday, 12. August 2010
I am a programmer, my wife is a teacher.
2 worlds colliding, to say the least. She has got the tendency to fall asleep when I talk geeky stuff, and I am not too interested to hear about teenagers
going nuts @ school.
Divide and conquer, the world is big enough. And find some shared interests
Thursday, 12. August 2010
>> if you don’t have even a basic understanding of what your spouse does with 40+hours of his/her week, then you’re not on a team.
There, precisely!
Adam and Renae, you are a very lucky couple! Like they say, ‘made for each other’.
How I wish … well, leave it.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Good post, I have been living with my “Geek” for 27 years. I have “Hacked” into damaged floppy discs and gotten the information I needed, but I can’t tell you exactly how I did so. I have learned much via osmosis and understand what he does and what langauge he likes to work in.
I wish he would try to understand the things that drive me, but I have accepted his one sided stance.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
wow! lucky guy that Adam of yours, I have no idea how this post was opened while I was at facebook, but it’s really interesting. something to keep in mind …and in practice.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
I’m only 17, but I can still relate to this greatly.
Every time I tell my girlfriend about my work, my latest project, or my great code I just wrote, she attempts to be happy for me, and be supportive, and this is all I can ask for.
I tell her of my love of Ruby, and my work with Rails, and she remembers this just as I remember things related to her interests, such as Americas Next Top Model related stuff.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Adam you are lucky man
this open mind what we want our men
thank you very much
I hope that my girl understand this
this article in my facebook and twitter
Thursday, 12. August 2010
Very very lucky couple.. wishes for another century of love and understanding relationships
Thursday, 12. August 2010
THANK YOU! I’m with a DB2 DBA/developer and none of our friends “get” what he does and don’t seem to understand why I am interested in it. I’m delighted that another woman gets it as I do and has also played with the software that makes up his world.
It strengthens our relationship so much to talk about each others’ work even though they don’t relate (I teach) and it really does mean a lot to the other party when you are interested in what they do. I also often meet women (at conferences, work parties etc) that don’t know what their men do - even if that is the only income in their home! …frightening.
Thursday, 12. August 2010
excellent article, i enjoyed reading it! seems to be a very an happy couple!
Thursday, 12. August 2010
I agree that part of being a good spouse it to know what your better half does. I am currently a homemaker and was recently at a week long class with my husband, who works in the Oil/Gas Industry. At a social event everyone was talking about what they were learning and how it applies to work. I spoke up to give my input, and I was asked for which company I work. I was proud to say, “I’m a homemaker, but I listen to my husband when he talks about work.”
Thursday, 12. August 2010
I was very happy to read this. It is nice to know there are good people out there who get it. Who tune in and make time for each other. Congratulations and good luck with the rest of your lives. Whatever joy you find you will have created as well. Bravo.
– Smiling
Thursday, 12. August 2010
WaO·～～Nice article ·～～
Friday, 13. August 2010
its good… but the comments make me wonder if the same thing had been written by a male programmer showing interest in his wife’s Psychology thesis or Freud’s theory of development.. Would there be as many appreciative comments..makes me really think about male chauvinism !!
No offense to the author just amazed at so many male comments..sharing is one thing but losing your individuality is another. Learning that the author has also studied computer science makes it easier to understand her interest in her husband’s work!
Friday, 13. August 2010
Can you be my wife also?
Friday, 13. August 2010
It a good blog..learning that the author has studied computer science too makes it easier to understand her interest in her husband’s work.
I see a lot of male comments on this blog appreciating it.. makes me wonder if there would be as many of them if a husband would have written this blog of how he shared a interest in his wife’s psychology thesis or Freud’s theory of development…sad at the display of male chauvinism
Friday, 13. August 2010
My computer consultant/programmer husband gave me this article to read because it reminded him of me. He programs in 16 languages. I have listened intently and daily to his rants and successes on the computer. We were both married before to spouses who were semi to non interested in what we did with our lives. They were just roommates, not partners. This article hit home to him and me. We are mad at the marriage world for not being more personal with each other. That is the loving thing to do. We are crazy for each other in every aspect. Thank you Renae.
Friday, 13. August 2010
you are most 1337
Friday, 13. August 2010
Wow.
An amazing blog post. Your husband is really lucky to have someone like you :).
This is an eye opener for both programmers and their wives to step back and think about what’s going on in each others lives.
Thanks a lot for the post ! Enjoyed reading it.
Friday, 13. August 2010
Hi Renae,
Awesome post. I am thoroughly impressed by your willingness to be open to new interest, especially in when the topic results in glazed eyes for most girls.
Cheers to a happy journey ahead for you and Adam.
Friday, 13. August 2010
hahahaa my fiance made me read this article! I thought he was joking! He’s Adam (but sadly I am not Renae). Thank you for articulating a very important message to the female half: if you want to have a long loving relationship with the tech-geek in you life, you must do better than blanking out when he gets going about .net!
Friday, 13. August 2010
Great article, saw on reddit. Greetongs from France
Friday, 13. August 2010
Nice reflexion, my girlfriend thinks like you!!.
Greetings from Andalusia.
Friday, 13. August 2010
I am really amazed.
Best luck from Lithuania.
Friday, 13. August 2010
First of all, EXCELLENT POST!
Second, everything sound familiar … except the Ruby stuff! I’m more a Java guy …. ahahahah … ok, ok, lets stop here!
Third, you said: “… Ani Difranco, Dar Williams, and Iron & Wine albums, along with my absurdly psychotic analysis of all of the lyrics.” YOU MUST BE KIDDING, NO? My wife knows ALL the lyrics, especilly from Iron & Wine (I also LOVE the music)
And last, I bet she is capable of programming a lot better than some called programmers, and she is not from computer science.
Bye.
Friday, 13. August 2010
You are a my dream girl..
Friday, 13. August 2010
Very refreshing!
Friday, 13. August 2010
An eye opener. Very nicely written.
Friday, 13. August 2010
Hi renaebair, can I translate it into Chinese and post it on my blog just for my girlfriend to read? Of course I’ll include the original link in my post.
Friday, 13. August 2010
Good luck with your career and life, or rather it doesn’t look like you’ll need luck when you two take interests in each others life like that.
May you live long and prosper.
Friday, 13. August 2010
Very nice and lucid article.It’s the same thing we have with our best friends! and if you do same with your partner then he will be your best friend too!
too the point and very good flow of writing.
Foundation of your relationship is rock solid!
Friday, 13. August 2010
Adam, I can’t believe you used to be a ColdFusion developer. I will never let you live this down.
Kidding, of course :). Great post Renae.
Friday, 13. August 2010
Totally agreed!! My hubby is a developer and while i dont allways understand what he is talking about, I ask questions and get involved! Its the way to do things if you want to live with your best friend and not just cohabitate
Friday, 13. August 2010
@renae: i think this stands as a perfect example to show that true love happens only when one respects every aspect of his/her partner.
Kudos to u, as though u r from non-technology side yet, this has n’t been able to overshadow ur desire to learn things from what i can guess is mere observation.
Friday, 13. August 2010
I am a software engineer too…
Truly touching…
Saturday, 14. August 2010
You sound like an awesome wife.