Selected Columns
Kaleidoscope of the Heart: Let something go
Recently, Naoko Yamazaki has been in the news a lot. She's an astronaut, she has a husband and child, and she stays on top of her makeup and fashion sense. We may not mean to, but I believe when many of us look at someone like Naoko Yamazaki, we can't help but think, "Just look at me, compared to her ..."
It's April now, and we have many new TV programs to entertain us. People of talent and success seem to appear on the screen every day: musicians, economists, political scientists, business owners... the list goes on. Among them are women that could be mistaken for movie actresses; they have great figures and graceful expressions. They don't look a thing like the old stereotypical images of women scholars and CEOs.
And it's not only looks. When we hear these women say that no, they haven't devoted their entire lives to their pursuits -- in fact they are married and have children! -- we are reduced to thinking to ourselves, "I've failed... I'm nothing compared to her."
These days, we hear more and more about people who "have it all," while those who don't are left out of the spotlight. "I'm too busy with raising my child to worry about fashion." "I always devoted myself to my work, and before I realized it, I was old and single." No matter what reasons people give for their circumstances, they're often just taken as excuses.
Many women who come to see me wonder the same thing:
"Is there something wrong with the way I live? Am I lazy?"
No. There are limits to the time and energy a person has. Living within those limits, we cannot have everything. We may be able to make others think we do, but at a cost. To have one thing, you have to sacrifice something else. Even if it's frustrating, we live by continually giving things up, either entirely or in bits and pieces. Otherwise, we can't move forward. This is what I believe.
It is not a failure or an embarrassment when we give something up. It is a gracious and commendable act. "I'm so busy with work that I don't have any hobbies." "I keep telling myself 'I have to go on a diet, I have to go on a diet,' but I'm so stressed from taking care of my family that I eat without thinking." When people in my office tell me such things, with their heads hung in shame, this is how I respond:
"With so much of your time and effort going into one thing, you don't have the time you'd like for everything else. You're having to sacrifice; that's natural. It shows how hard you are working. Have confidence. Be proud of yourself."
We can't have everything, and we don't need to have everything. The one or two things we see in front of us? That's already a handful. Living within these limits is, I think, what life is. (By Rika Kayama, psychiatrist)
Click here for the original Japanese story
(Mainichi Japan) April 18, 2010