Just who is telling tall tales of whales

For such a scenario ever to befall the Olympic champion and world 100m and 200m record-holder, however, he would have to make a remarkable number of extremely poor decisions.

These would culminate in a final decision to delay evasive action until it was too late. In the case of Usain, that would be very late indeed. The Jamaican can cover 10m from standstill in just 1.7 seconds, which is one reason he has thus far avoided any freight train-related mishaps.

It's also helpful that Jamaica transports barely anything by rail. All of which brings us to last week's Southern Ocean clash between the Shonan Maru No. 2, a lumbering, 500-tonne security vessel accompanying Japanese whaling vessels, and the Ady Gil, an ocean racer operated by the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society.

Like Bolt, the Ady Gil is a title-holder. Under its previous name of Earthrace, the twin-engined trimaran claimed a record for circumnavigating the globe.

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It's fast, which is why Sea Shepherd were so delighted at the Ady Gil's October unveiling (the ship is now named after a Hollywood whale fan who bought it for Sea Shepherd's use). "The Ady Gil gives us the speed necessary to catch and stay with the Japanese whaling fleet," said Sea Shepherd's Chuck Swift.

According to a press release, the Ady Gil would be used "to intercept and physically block the harpoon ships from illegally slaughtering whales".

That's an interesting plan, considering that the Ady Gil only weighs 13 tonnes or so. Oddly-shaped and nimble it may be but so is Lady Gaga and you wouldn't back her to stop the Melbourne Storm. Anyway, you've already seen the collision footage. Frankly, Gaga might've held out a little longer.

Australians love whales, so are inclined to sympathy for any group attempting to stop their slaughter. Being largely unaware of Sea Shepherd's history - it's led by a messianic goon shunned even by other environmentalists - most also viewed the collision as an act of brutality committed against innocent idealists.

The most popular video shows the Shonan Maru closing on the Ady Gil and seemingly turning hard tight to take out the little activist boat. It isn't an accurate picture. Objects weighing 500 tonnes aren't capable of such abrupt changes of direction. The rough sea evident (the Southern Ocean weighs more than 500 tonnes) may have something to do with things.

Also, that video was shot from Sea Shepherd sister craft the Bob Barker, moving from left to right across the path of those colliding ships. The angles you see aren't taken from a static position.

On Sunday, the New Zealand Herald editorialised: "Experts who looked at footage of the incident seem to agree that the Ady Gil is not blameless and may be mainly, if not entirely, to blame for what occurred."

Video can be deceptive, much like Sea Shepherd leader Paul Watson, who calls himself "captain" but doesn't hold a sea captain's licence.

A 2007 New Yorker profile of the publicity-addicted Canadian contains the following: "Watson believes that whales are smarter than people and that earthworms are more important; Watson claims that Sea Shepherd has sunk 10 whaling vessels (the New Yorker could only count two); Watson has a 'tendency to bend the truth' and a 'willingness to risk lives or injury for his beliefs (or for publicity)'; Watson was thrown out of Greenpeace; Watson claims to have been tortured in Iran ('bamboo slivers under the fingernails and a few strokes with a lash'); Watson has 'claimed responsibility for damage to ships that in fact was caused by accidents or by other activists'; in his book Earthforce!, Watson advises activists to simply make up facts when they need to; and Watson believes 'cancer is a cure to nature's problems'." When it comes to Watson and Sea Shepherd, it doesn't really matter where you stand on the broader issue of whaling. These people are clown shoes and they shouldn't be given mainstream credibility just because they champion a cause many here feel for.

The best video (of three to surface so far) hit YouTube over the weekend.

Shot aboard the Ady Gil shortly prior to its nautical nosejob, it shows skipper Pete Bethune and his crew relaxing above deck after a long day aiming lasers at Japanese sailors, firing butyric acid capsules at their ship, trying to tangle its propeller with cables and repeatedly cutting across the Japanese vessel's bow.

It's all high-fives and kisses, then the Shonan Maru looms in the background. It's trying to keep in touch with the whaling processor Nisshin Maru up ahead and is barging through waves that toss the ship left and right and cast water high across its deck.

More than one minute behind the Ady Gil, the Shonan Maru sounds a piercing warning alarm. Bethune's reaction? "Ooooh! So scared!" A crewmate joins in: "Somebody get me outta here!" They're still laughing as the Shonan Maru draws closer. Bear in mind that the Japanese ship's top speed is only 13 knots. The sleek Ady Gil can hit 45, if anyone could be bothered firing up its 1000-horsepower engines.

Instead, they do nothing (well, one crewman tries to take pictures) until it's too late. They've made the precise set of errors that would see Usain Bolt hit by a train, if he was unusually stupid and somewhere other than Jamaica.

Hilariously, skipper Bethune subsequently blamed "a wave" that picked up the Ady Gil and "carried us another metre or so into danger".

Now, remember these earlier words from Sea Shepherd HQ: "The Ady Gil gives us the speed necessary to catch and stay with the Japanese whaling fleet."

Everything changed after the collision. According to Sea Shepherd lawyer Liesbeth Zegveld, the Ady Gil was actually a victim of the rapid and elusive Shonan Maru: "It was sent out and equipped for following and harassing the Ady Gil."

In other news, Jamaican trains mainly attack Usain. These people are insane.