Author: Elisa

Title: Just Breathe

Rating: R for language

Word Count: ~1500

Summary: Most men go to sleep after they have sex.

Note: No actual sex (sorry, lol). Alternately at my writing journal here: http://elisafic.livejournal.com/1538.html#cutid1

Just Breathe.

Afterwards, they lie together on the large bed and let their breathing, slowly returning to normal, fill the room.

After a while, Chester rolls onto his stomach, bunching the pillow up underneath him, and contemplates Mike, who has both eyes closed and an arm tucked behind his head. Chester nudges him, thigh against thigh, and one of Mike’s eyelids open.

“Mm?”

“What did the guy at the label say to you today?”

It takes a long time to get a response, and when he does it’s not very satisfying.

“Not much.” He gives a little shrug and, after a moment, closes his eye again.

Chester waits.

As if feeling Chester’s focus still on him, Mike opens the same eye again, and then the other.

“What?”

“Not much?”

Mike shrugs again. “Yeah.”

Chester sighs. “Anything else?”

“…well, what do you want to know?”

“What did you talk about?”

Mike stiffens; it’s a subtle, barely there movement, but Chester feels it nonetheless. Mike’s reply is stilted.

“We talked about homophobia.”

“…oh.” He lays a hand on Mike’s arm.

“Yeah, oh.”

“So?”

“What do you mean, so?”

“Well, where did the conversation go? Stop being purposely obtuse.”

Mike shifts on their bed. “He went on to inform me of what we can expect if this gets out.”

“Oh.”

“And how we can expect it to affect sales and revenue.”

“Oh.”

“And how we’re basically ruining our careers.”

Chester swallows. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you.”

Mike shakes his head. “No, Ches, you needed to go to that parent teacher meeting. It’s okay.”

“It’s not.”

Silence overtakes the couple again; Mike closes his eyes again, and shifts onto his side.

“Mike?”

“Hm?”

“You didn’t…um, you didn’t believe it, did you?”

Mike rolls over to face him again. “What?” Chester clears his throat nervously.

“Well, you didn’t buy into any of that you’re ruining your career bullshit, did you?”

Mike hesitates.

“Mike!”

“Well…well, he’s got a point!”

“He does not.”

“Chester, he does. You know how homophobic people can be. And – and if we do this…”

Chester has to swallow very hard suddenly, and he forces his voice not to shake.

“Are you having second thoughts about us?”

There’s a brief, startled moment of silence. Then:

“Ches – Ches, no. God. Don’t ever think for a second that I don’t want you, that I don’t want this, because I do, so badly. I just – I just wonder…”

“What?”

“…I just wonder, sometimes, if, um. Well, if you won’t look back in five years or whatever and regret this.”

“What?”

“Well, I just…you’re so talented, Ches, and to do something that would limit your career, it seems…I just don’t want you to regret this. I don’t want you to suffer from it.”

For a long moment, Chester is silent.

“You’re an idiot, Mike,” he says finally, and Mike is horrified to hear a trace of tears in his voice.

“Ches - ” he starts, but Chester cuts him off.

“Don’t Ches me,” he says angrily, hands clenching. “You motherfucker, Mike, I can’t even believe you’d think that.”

“I just -”

“Yeah, you just,” Chester sneers. “Well how about you just shut up?”

“I’m sorry -”

“Well, you should be! Don’t you know what you mean to me, you asshole? God, you think I’d have left my wife for you if I didn’t love you so much it was like a physical fucking ache? You’d think I’d sleep with a man after being fucking molested if I wasn’t sure about him? You think I care about our careers more than this? God, you don’t know anything.”

Their bedroom is silent for a long time after this proclamation, and Chester gives a huff of disgust and is halfway out of their bed when he feels a hand on his arm.

“Then show me,” Mike says softly, not looking at him. “Tell me what I don’t know.” His face is open and vulnerable, and suddenly Chester sees this for what it is: Mike’s deep, long ingrained insecurity. The anger falls abruptly off him.

He climbs slowly back into bed and kneels beside the other man, who lies propped up on the pillows.

“Mike…” he whispers, and leans in to gently kiss the corner of his lover’s mouth. “Don’t you know,” he murmurs as he runs his lips down Mike’s neck and to his bare chest, pausing at various places to suck and nibble, leaving a red mark at each location, “don’t you know,” and now he backs away a bit, running a hand up Mike’s torso and neck to tenderly place his hand on Mike’s cheek, forcing the other man to meet his eyes, “that I adore you? That I’m so in love with you that I burn with it?” He lets his voice show all the love he feels for the other man, trying desperately to convey the emotion he feels.

He moves now, to stretch out and attach himself to Mike’s side, nuzzling his face into Mike’s neck and letting his fingers trail idly over his chest before wrapping his arm around his torso and letting his thumb stroke Mike’s ribcage gently. “I love you so much,” he says slowly, musingly, “and I don’t tell you that enough. But I do. I love you so, so much - ” His breath catches. “I love you so much, and I love everything we do together. I love that I can trust you enough to never have to worry in the bedroom. That’s something I’d never experienced before you, that absolute trust.”

The world is quiet except for the sound of Mike’s lightly ragged breathing, the constant feel of his chest expanding mesmerizing. Chester speaks as if in a trance, letting his innermost thoughts spill out.

“And I love how compatible we are. We always had that, as friends, and musically, and on stage, but now it goes even farther than that. The sex with you is…god.” He suppresses a little shiver. “It’s wonderful, Mike. I can’t even properly express it.” He pauses and draws in a breath.

“I was scared, that first time. I tried not to be, because I do trust you, but I was scared nonetheless. And then it was…it was…Mike, the feel of your cock inside of me is the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. Being under you and letting myself go, giving myself over to you…I’ve never trusted anybody enough to lose myself during sex. But I can let go with you.”

The words are too intimate, too real, and he can feel the burn on his face. He turns his face further into Mike’s skin, inhaling the familiar scent there, and tries to go on.

“And – and sometimes when we’re in the same room but not next to each other, I get distracted by you. Your eyes, and your smile. You distract me all the time, actually. You do it on stage sometimes, with the way you say things…it just…and you don’t even realize, do you?” He lifts his head and looks into Mike’s teary eyes. “You don’t know, do you? How amazing you are? How fucking perfect you are? How fucking much I love you?”

Mike closes his eyes briefly and two tears spill down his cheeks; Chester makes a noise in the back of his throat and reaches up to gently smooth them away.

“I know,” Mike says quietly, and opens his eyes. “I think I knew already. But I – needed to hear it.”

Chester smiles at him softly, before bending down to kiss him delicately, their lips pressing together in a smooth, chaste kiss.

“And, you should know,” Mike goes on hoarsely, “You should know that it’s mutual. All of it. That I love you so much it’s hard to breathe sometimes, with the enormity of it. The impossibility of it, that you could love me back. It’s – it’s everything.”

“It is,” Chester agrees. “It’s everything. So don’t you dare doubt us again. Alright?”

Mike smiles. He’s still sniffling a bit and Chester’s eyes are still a bit watery, but the smile is bright and honest and Chester returns it. “Alright.”

Chester links their fingers then, settling back down to rest his cheek on Mike’s shoulder. Mike curls that arm around Chester’s back before reaching up to smooth Chester’s hair. It’s a possessive, loving gesture, and it makes Chester smile; Mike can feel it against his skin.

“I love you,” Chester whispers once more, nearly asleep, the words just barely stirring the air.

Mike affectionately smooths the palm of his hand over Chester’s hair again. “Love you too,” he returns softly, keeping his eyes closed, just this side of sleep.

The room falls into a contented quietness then, with only the deep and even breathing of the two lovers breaking the silence.