8 Outrageously Annoying Tech Videos
-
By Brian X. Chen
- September 25, 2009 |
- 4:00 pm |
- Categories: Miscellaneous
Most TV commercials are annoying, but the tech industry takes the cake for making ads so bad that you have to question if it was intentional.
Ever seen Snakes on a Plane? Now imagine that the creators were given the Microsoft account and told, “Make us look cool with one of those ‘viral videos’ that we hear the kids are so excited about these days.” What else explains the awfulness of these commercials and infomercials?
Who, in their wildest imagination, would think a video of a woman puking on her husband — three times — would increase the appeal of Internet Explorer 8? Or that a creepy, unbelievably diverse group of weirdos hosting a “Launch Party” would help sell Windows 7? We were close to puking ourselves.
Those are just a few examples of what you’re about to witness. Here, we round up a list of the 8 most God-awful, weird, and horrible-beyond-apprehension tech video ads we’ve ever seen. In Jay Leno fashion, we’ll run down the list in reverse order, from least offensive to most offensive, for the sake of your stomachs. Hang on tight.
8. MSI’s Butt-Crack-Compatible Notebooks
We can only imagine the altered mental state that MSI’s marketing team was when it concocted this bizarre ad. We’re sure these spandex-clad actors aren’t really catching notebooks with their butts — and it’s a little funny — but geez Louise, it tickles us. That doesn’t mean we’re perverts, does it?
7. Nintendo’s Cross-Dressing Legend of Zelda
In conversations about the Legend of Zelda videogame series, we’re well aware that a lot of people mistakenly call Link, the main character of the game, Zelda. That’s a funny mistake, because Link is the dude, and Zelda is the chick. Perhaps Nintendo was poking fun at the Zelda-Link mixup when the company decided to cast a woman to play Link in this old Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past commercial. That or Nintendo is just weird. Actually, the rap song and the dancing make the latter theory seem stronger.
6. GE’s Soulful Tribute to Its Locomotives
Why are there even GE Locomotive commercials? Who the hell is going to go out and buy a locomotive after watching a video on YouTube? We can tell this was an attempt at a clever joke, but the grizzly, bearded actors, who are probably just glad to have jobs at all in this day of industrial offshoring, don’t deliver. Bonus: There’s a keytar!
(Thanks for suggesting this one, @CycleFreak!)
5. Pets.com’s Tone-Deaf Sock Puppet
Pets.com should’ve taken a tip from the Taco Bell chihuahua, who was a charming cutie. Boy was this website lazy with this sorry excuse for a puppet. It looks like it was haphazardly stitched together by Rosie O’Donnell’s character in Another One Rides the Bus. If you’re a pet community website, just use a real freaking dog! And this video, which features the sock puppet singing in a painfully off-key way, is the worst of the bunch. Even the nameless Wired.com staffers who kinda liked the sock puppet hate this commercial.
(Good call on this one, @AlexisMadrigal)
4. Palm’s Creepy Ice Maiden
An affectless, eyebrowless lady soft-talking like Christian Bale certainly sent shivers down our spines, but we doubt it really helped sell Palm Pre phones. Bonus: parody videos like this one!
3. Microsoft’s Cringeworthy Songsmith Spot
Microsoft should publish a book called How to Annoy Consumers and Humiliate People. In American Idol fashion, Microsoft must have done a casting call for people with laryngitis, just to demonstrate that Songsmith can give even the worst vocalists the power to sing. Well, the ad convinces us of the complete opposite. Thanks to the trauma from watching this video, I probably have a psychological trigger that compels me to immediately punch a person in the jaw if I ever see them singing in front of a computer.
(Kudos for calling this one out, @a1by and @pushkin504!)
2. Microsoft’s Cheesy Windows 7 Launch Party
This one’s especially astounding because the Windows 7 operating system is surprisingly cool — so it was difficult to conceive that the product’s marketing team could be so utterly lame. You’d have to be a neutered space alien to identify with any of these soulless beings gathering for a “launch party” for Windows 7. Because, sure, sane human beings do that. The last time I saw a video with such an awkwardly eerie vibe was when I wrote a research paper on the Heaven’s Gate cult. Yeah, you know — that video they shot right before they committed mass suicide. Same feeling. The only thing that saves this informercial is that there’s a shorter parody video, which is hilarious.
This video is so bad, it almost takes the cake for the most horrible tech promo video of all time — except for the fact that Microsoft made one even worse earlier this year.
1. Microsoft’s OMGIGP, a.k.a. That Puking Video
When Microsoft met with me to talk about Internet Explorer 8, the company reps said Microsoft’s goal with IE8 was to erase perceptions of Internet Explorer 6. Apparently lurid images of puking were part of that strategy. Sorry, Microsoft, but I still remember the atrocious IE 6 as clearly as the time I suffered from near-death pneumonia. And your puke-fest video makes me want to keep a more-than-safe distance from IE 8.
I would totally buy that Zelda game if they released it here though!
The pets.com sock puppet was voiced by the same guy who played Johnny Blue Jeans in Viva Variety. I did not shoot J.R.!
They did release it here, for the SNES and for the GBA, I believe.
just, wow…. what in the living hell were people thinking making up these ads? The Zelda one was the least-bad, and that’s saying a lot
Dude, the IE 8 commercials were hilarious.
I still sue Firefox though…
sue should be use.
I fail at posting, sigh.
“I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” Let that add campaign die.
#s 8, 3, 2, and 1 were amazingly bad. In the cases of the other ones, I think you either find them funny or you don’t. The Zelda one was actually kind of appealing for some reason.
I can’t take this list seriously if there is no KPMG.
.
“KPMG | A Firm You Can’t Touch | 2008 KTV Employee Video Contest”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lq0neyJobUg
.
“IT Anthems: KPMG”
http://resources.zdnet.co.uk/articles/features/0,1000002000,2124072,00.htm
@daren_gray, that KPMG video is *atrocious*. Ouch!!!
Hmph, I STILL say that the songsmith video should have been #1
No apple commercials at all, how surprising.
http://www.cultofmac.com/seinfelds-puddy-stars-in-apples-latest-tv-ad-but-fails-to-make-it-funny/15003
>> No apple commercials at all, how surprising.
.
Well, you’ve got the copy-paste on your computer. Go find some and post.
Okay, admittedly, KPMG is not a tech company.
I found the creepy Palm ice maiden to be hot.
Here’s my favorite Microsoft parody
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZrr7AZ9nCY
Here’s my second favorite Microsoft parody
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeXAcwriid0
How could you possibly do an article about terrible commercials and not mention the two most boneheaded Quiznos spots ever created - The singing SpongeMonkeys and the one where the employee has clearly been having unnatural sexual relations with the sandwich toaster? The spongemonkeys almost sank the company (revenue tanked after they aired those spots) and then the perverse gay toaster-humping sandwich maker ensured that I will absolutely never eat there again!!
Ok I get it that this article was about tech company’s poor commercials - but I still think Quiznos has the worst ads ever…
no sock puppet dog guy thing? bad? No. No. No. sock puppet dog guy thing…good! microsoft anything video…bad.
The video you posted of the Palm Pre ad is downright silly.
If you’re going to upload a scream video on a “credible” news site, at least WARN your users that you’re about to show them a scream video.
One of the key parts of a news website is trust, you’ve just lost mine.
When I saw the zelda commercial, the first thing I though of was takurazuka.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takarazuka_Revue
A little known fact (in the English-speaking world) is the new Japanese PM’s wife - the one who eats the sun, was abducted by aliens, and was friends with Tom Cruise in a previous life - was a Takarazuka performer (in this life), though she never rose to the coveted status of otoko-yaku.
what’s up with these Wired guys? they used to be cool. nowadays they are most like college girls, ganging against the one that everybody is jealous of. come on wired, be cool again; stop hanging around Starbucks “writing” stuff.
Anybody noticed the macbook in #3?
Haha, that IE8 one is hilarious.
Did anyone notice in Video #3 how the little girl is using a mac inside a Microsoft commercial??
all linked from youtube?what are you,seven?
I love Wired but whomever put the Pets.com sock puppet on this list is an idiot who doesn’t even get the joke. Must not be a State fan either.
“”Microsoft’s Cringeworthy Songsmith Spot”‘
IS MICROSOFT NUTS
they are using macbook s in the commercial
are they like that fen crazy
holly shit really
they just put fen circles over the apple logo
am i delusional and just seeing this, can someone confirm
I actually found #1 mildly funny. I’m surprised that this didn’t make the list: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swFlU-FKg30 (boring parts edited out).
Can’t stand the “jackpot” pizza hut commercial it legitimately raises my blood pressure. and the windows 7 final countdown kid crap is completely turning me off from using it ever
What about Verizon, the grand poobah of idiotic tech commercials? There are so many to choose from:
1. The ‘fat nerd’ who desperately pines after his super cool, ambiguously ethnic friends’ phones
2. The psychotic father who dumps sprinkles on his daughter’s ice cream to demonstrate “all the people in his extended network!”
Or my favorite -
3. Two moronic drones, straight out of Mike Judge’s worst nightmares, banter about their new phones. At its nadir, the black worker exclaims “that’s sick!”
This was my idea to improve the Seinfeld/Gates commercial I did last year.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/22273791@N07/sets/72157607370773648/show/
Wired, you’re biased. There’s absolutely no way a list of the worst tech vids can not be entirely comprised of MS stuff. They’ve perfected that standard to a level no one will ever be able to match. Their experience in the field is just too great.
The non-MS videos on your list fail at making anyone murderously furious to have seen them. No such feebleness from Microsoft.
I have proof.
MS-DOS 5.0 (you may not want to live after seing that, consider it a test of your ability to endure the other ones)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmEvPZUdAVI
Windows 1.0 (warning: contains Balmers)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sforhbLiwLA&feature=related
Windows 95 (so it isn’t the actors’ lack of talent, then. What else could it be? The company?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrq0HQrYN6A&feature=related
Windows 98 (almost as very, very long as the previous one, apparently trying to convey the time it takes to send a single message using the product)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6veXwhlhsg&feature=fvw
Vista SP1 (watch it, I dare you. Now, don’t you wish you worked for this company?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPv8PPl7ANU&feature=related
That’s the kind of thing Applestore employees defecting to Microsoft stores will subject themselves to. I can’t wait for their subsequent blog posts.
You forgot to include all those Mac commercials; but that would be unbiased journalism, wouldn’t it…
Any spot telling how great Windows is gives me the runny shits.
Dude, the Microsoft puking commercial was freaking awesome. You guys are crazy.
@duk242, Brian did mention it was a parody video.
The one from Holiday Inn, you know where the IT guy is too busy, also deserves a few stars for dumbness… As an IT specialist, I decided for myself that I should remember never to rent a room there…
OMG - is that Superman talking about Internet Explorer 8?
I don’t ever want to live in Microsoft’s world.
I’m so impressionable. I just bought a GE locomotive.
*sigh*
the funny thing is that the laptop used in the songsmith add (which btw allmost made me puke) is actually an apple laptop, with a clever little sticker to cover up the apple logo, way to to marketing people, you know the target group well…
hrmm… no wonder i always had dirty thoughts about Link.
That Quizno’s ad with the SPONGmonkeys was great….weird but great!
Ugh. These videos are terrible. At least they don’t replay them over and over on TV though. If you want to laugh at annoying TV commercials check out: href=”http://www.adnoxious.blogspot.com/”>adnoxious.blogspot.com
On Zelda, going with a girl actor for a male part has been done many times - look at ANY stage production of Peter Pan. And besides, the geeks that would buy the game would probably LOVE the idea of 2 girls hooking up!
All great chuckles, except #1 - did this thing EVER air? Poor Dean Caine, how the mighty - or SUPER - have fallen.