Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Note: I don't drink your milkshake!! (Mainly because in Maine we call 'em frappes...)
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By the Numbers: Iraq
Days 'til Easter: 4
Days since the Mission Accomplished banner was hung from the bridge of the Aircraft carrier: 1,785
Expected monthly cost to fund the Iraq quagmire in 2008: $12 billion
Projected interest payments on money borrowed to fund the quagmire: $816 billion
(Source: The book The Three trillion Dollar War via AP)
Maine's contribution to the war so far: $1.35 billion
U.S. casualties since the Iraq War began: 3,990
(Source: icasualties.org)
Average per year since the war began: 798
What that amounts to if we stay in Iraq, as John McCain insists, for 100 years: 79,800
Estimated Iraqi civilians killed: 150,000 to 1.2 million
(Source: Meteor Blades)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 168 (including one speech by a Democrat promoting unity and four Bear Stearns executives forced to sell their mansions). Soul Protection Factor 32 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Oh, this is unacceptable. All 6 minutes and 25 seconds of it. (I'm so outraged I watched it three times.)
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CHEERS to the Barack Heard Round the World. Well, that was quite the speech. Even the conservatocrasy gave Obama a polite golf clap yesterday. In a nutshell, this was our next president's response to the Jeremiah Wright controversy: "People we love and respect sometimes say stupid things. Duh!" Very inspiring, and my only quibble is that he mentioned whites, blacks, browns, Asians, Latinos, the old, the young, the rich, the poor, the male, the female, the Republicans, the Democrats, the religious, the non-religious, the dog owners and the cat owners...but nothing about gay people. As an offended single-issue voter (specifically, creation of "gay dollars" that are tied to the Euro), I'm holding my breath until he calls me on my cellphone to apologize. But first...I should probably go buy a cellphone. BRB.
JEERS to the party of the perfect past. It's no revelation that Republicans long for the sepia-tinted Norman Rockwellesque days of yesteryear---the fabulous 50s being their golden age. But Atrios adds a little perspective on how this mindset applies to the conservative church leader:
The narrative from the Right---and its representatives in the conservative religious community---is of an America which was once the garden of Eden, until its tragic fall at the hands of (feminists, liberals, civil rights movement, whatever), and they wish to bring the country back to its former state. Thus they can hate the America that is while dreaming of the perfect America that was. Thus there's no conflict between their unquestioned patriotism and their hatred of the country, as their patriotism is for the True America that was, not its current corrupted incarnation
While the mirror image rhetoric from the Left is about a country which was flawed, often tragically so, but which has the capacity for improvement. Be disgusted with the country as it was and is, while hoping for an evolution to a better country.
A more perfect union, even. What a bunch of bomb throwers we libbies are.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Cable Teevee. Holy crap! Yesterday before, during and after the Obama speech, I believe a majority of commentators and guests on the cable networks were black (Fox News diluted the percentage by having Bill Kristol and an all-white cast of jawboners). Even more amazing, the world survived! (Although it's stormy here today so maybe God has our destruction on a slow fuse...) See, producers? It's not so hard. [pat pat]
JEERS to John McCain. Last night I went out and asked every six year-old I could find whether or not the Sunni members of al Qaeda were going to the Shiite Iranians for guns and training. They all said, "No, you twit...any idiot knows that!" Well apparently not John "Twit" McCain. Wow, imagine that: shocking ignorance on a vital national security issue. On the bright side, if he ends up succeeding George Bush, at least we know the transition will be seamless.
P.S. Joe Lieberman whispered the correction in McCain's ear. If you listen to the raw audio carefully, you'll also hear him say, "I don’t want to be like you. I want to be you." Paging Dr. Freud... (or should that be Dr. Ruth?)
CHEERS to cheap money. Yesterday Ben Bernanke said, "Oh, what the hell" and cut interest rates by 20 points (or, as he said it, "80 quarter points"). So now if you get a loan the government will send you monthly interest payments. Hooray! One little snag: no one's getting loans. But if you open a checking account you'll get a free toaster.
CHEERS to Tom Allen. The Democratic congressman from Maine's 1st District, who's facing Susan "I Voted For The War With All My Heart And Soul" Collins in November, marks the fifth anniversary of Operation Sweets and Flowers:
"Almost 4,000 American service members, including 30 from Maine, have died. Tens of thousands of American soldiers have been wounded. And we have spent half a trillion dollars, including more than $1.35 billion from Maine," Allen said.
"If we continue in this direction we will spend at least another half a trillion dollars. Some experts think we will spend $2 trillion. But these monetary costs do not take into account the brave men and women who will lose life or limb in the coming years if we don't bring them home," he added. I opposed this ill-conceived war from the beginning and have been working to bring our troops home ever since. It is time to end this war---now."
Meanwhile his campaign put together a video of ordinary Mainers voicing their sentiments on the war, and they probably echo people in your neck of the woods. Allen wants a timeline for withdrawal, while his opponent, Collins, simply wants to nebulously "change the mission." I have a better idea: let's change the senator.
JEERS to being homeless. C&J feels bad for all the rank-and-file employees at Bear Stearns whose lives have been turned inside out, and we hope they get back on their feet quickly. But first things first---we must ensure that the muckety mucks are helped immediately. They're really taking it on the chin:
For James E. Cayne, the firm’s chairman and former chief executive, holding on to his Bear stock was a point of pride, and he rarely, if ever, sold. A billionaire just over a year ago when Bear’s stock soared past $160, his 5.8 million shares are now worth about $28 million at Monday’s closing price of $4.81.
There was talk Monday that with their life savings nearly depleted, some executives had moved quickly, putting their weekend homes on the market.
We hear that a few have even had to give out pink slips to their butlers. Sucks to hit rock bottom. Time for a telethon?
CHEERS to the wisdom of newbies. Kossack Seenaymah---who lives in Canada, which I believe is part of Old Europe---joined the C&J splashers for the first time yesterday and promised to behave like a responsible adult:
I solemnly promise never to post in candidate diaries. I'm Canadian, so I feel no need to comment on your schizophrenic, wasteful, practically incomprehensible election shenanigans. I'll just sit up here with my strong beer and my universal health care and my married gay friends and laugh (lovingly, of course) at all of the antics.
To which we issue a simple two-word response: adopt me?
CHEERS to the Rocket Man. Author Arthur C. Clarke has died at 90. He got an Oscar nomination for adapting his 1951 short story into the screenplay for 2001: A Space Odyssey, in which a bunch of apes break things and the viewer is taken for a long, scary, incomprehensible ride. How he foresaw the rise of modern conservatism so early is beyond me.
P.S. We agree with Clarke: "Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories."
CHEERS to avian homecomings. Once they make it through Customs, the swallows will be returning to the San Juan Capistrano Mission in California. Only this year they're coming to feast on human flesh!!! Which, of course, means the only surviving witness will be the Fox News reporter.
JEERS to sleeping at the switch. Thanks to a security breach at the Hannaford Bros. supermarket chain---where C&J gets its sustenance (jerky and hardtack)---"millions of [credit] card numbers were taken, leading to 1,800 fraud complaints." But at least company officials discovered the problem quickly...if by quickly you mean three excruciatingly long months that the hackers could use to charge thousands of cards to finance a villa in Peru. Which reminds me: starting next week we'll be blogging under the name Billermo in Peru. Please make a note of it. Ta Ta, luvies.
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One Year Ago in C&J: March 19, 2007...
CHEERS to Humpty Dumpty's big fall. The first cover story of the newly-revamped (Jazzy! Snazzy! Pizzazzy!) TIME magazine concludes that the Republican party of today is...
...one that is more a collection of interest groups than ideas, recognizable more by its campaign tactics than its philosophy. The principles that propelled the movement have either run their course, or run aground, or been abandoned by Reagan's legatees. Government is not only bigger and more expensive than it was when George W. Bush took office, but its reach is also longer, thanks to the broad new powers it has claimed as necessary to protect the homeland. It's true that Reagan didn't live up to everything he promised: he campaigned on smaller government, fiscal discipline and religious values, while his presidency brought us a larger government and a soaring deficit. But Bush's apostasies are more extravagant by just about any measure you pick.
Except one: Jelly Belly™ consumption is way down.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the fountain of Ruth. My partner Michael's grandmother turned 95 this week. Ninety five! She still lives on her own, has all her marbles, and plays racquetball twice a day. Let's see what was going on when she was born...in 1913:
The National Woman's Party formed
The 16th Amendment establishing the income tax is ratified
Woodrow Wilson succeeds William Howard Taft
The first U.S. paved coast-to-coast highway opens
The Shubert Theatre opens in New York
Henry Ford starts using a moving assembly line
Gandhi arrested for leading miners march in South Africa
First modern elastic bra patented
The Panama Canal opens
First drive-up gas station opens
Charlie Chaplin started his film career
and... President Wilson says America will never attack another country.
It's been awfully quiet ever since. Happy Birthday, Gram...and many blessings on your camels.
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Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Put together a ranking of the worst ideas ever conceived and ’Cheers and Jeers’ would be at the top of that list."
---USOC spokesman Darryl Seibel
3/17/08
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