How to Survive Your Next Vacation (Travel Tips We've Learned from the Movies)

"Vacation" is a concept we normally associate with workless days of sun, sights and shopping. But relaxing by the pool is boring. If you're vacationing in a movie, chances are you're ending up in a madman's lair, jail, or casket.

'A Perfect Getaway' is the latest scarer to issue warnings on the stark dangers of holiday (thank you Hollywood!). So take heed of these 11 valuable lessons -- and retain those valuable organs of yours next time you travel.

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Always Research Your Lodging
Oh, you may scoff when your parents insist that the only good hotel is one certified by AAA. But for God's sake, listen to them -- because that "charming" fleabag motel off the highway just might house a 'Psycho' cross-dressing mama's boy with a fondness for knives. Bet they don't include that amenity in Lonely Planet.

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Do Not Leave Your Bags Unattended
It's a rite of passage: Graduate from high school, head to an exotic locale with your best friend, sleep with a cute stranger who plants heroin in your backpack, and get sent to a Thai prison called 'Brokedown Palace.' OK, maybe that's not how most teens spend the summer before college. But it's way more exciting than freshman orientation.

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Brush Up on Foreign Laws
If you're hell-bent on enjoying the hedonistic (read: illegal) pleasures that many Third World destinations offer, for the love of your neck, at least find out how deeply you're breaking the law. You do not want to be sentenced to hang like Joaquin Phoenix in 'Return to Paradise' for keeping a slightly too robust hash stash in your beach hut.

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Stay the Hell Away From Bratislava
FYI, that's the capital of Slovakia. Apparently the women are smokin' hot there, and they're eager to hop in the sack with Americans. But really they're just setting you up to be tortured to death for the enjoyment of others. OK, so maybe like Kazakhstan to 'Borat,' Slovakia gets a bad rap from 'Hostel.' But we're not taking our chances.

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Don't Accept Rides From Strangers
You may have learned this adage as a child, but under no circumstances should you accept a ride from creepy strangers -- even while stuck in remote locales like the Australian Outback (like the ill-fated folks in 'Wolf Creek'). You never know when that seemingly well-intentioned elderly driver will turn into a sadistic torturer.

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Don't Talk to Weirdos at Rest Stops
Admiring the bracelet of a man in line at a roadside convenience store seems harmless. But if you're like Sandra Bullock in 'The Vanishing,' it means you'll likely get chloroformed, kidnapped and ultimately buried alive. Moral of the story: Never trust men who wear jewelry -- especially if they hang out at rest stops.

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Stay on the Main Road
As a wise man once said of the shortcut, "If it were easy it would just be called 'the way.'" The Carter family learns this to the extreme when their RV breaks down off a beaten desert path in 'The Hills Have Eyes.' Actually a more accurate description of the hills is that they have a thriving community of mutant cannibals that want to eat your baby.

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Don't Go Too Deep Into the Back-Country
Having to squeal like a pig while getting your manhood snatched will almost certainly put a damper on your rafting adventure, but Ned Beatty, Burt Reynolds and 'Deliverance' pals should've known better than to waft through hillbilly waters dressed all seductively in life jackets. They were just asking for it.

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Don't Pick Up Hitchers While Rafting
In 'The River Wild,' Gail (Meryl Streep) may have been an expert at white-water river rafting but as a judge of character? Not so hot. And once you figure out you're guiding killers through the rapids, you may want to "accidentally" overturn the boat. And swim like hell. Just a thought.

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Know Your Fellow Scuba Divers by Name
If Susan and Daniel had only introduced themselves to anyone else on their chartered dive boat in 'Open Water,' they may not have been left behind to fend for themselves in the sea. That would've been a good move for Sue and Dan, bad news for surrounding sharks.

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Always Bring a Map
Pulling out a map every five minutes is a dead giveaway you're a tourist, but the sexy sextet of female spelunkers in 'The Descent' could have used one. At least then they'd have known where they were going while fleeing hordes of super-agile cave mutants. But hey, at least the mutants didn't think they were tourists.

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