C is for Common Courtesy, Civil Discourse, and Consequences

"Ashamed of being Jewish?"

Of the more than 600 emails I let pile up in my inbox over the holiday break, this is the one that really got my attention.  It was an email in response to my Winter post, which still seems to me to be an entirely innocuous post about my plans to go to western Colorado to celebrate Christmas with my family.

The question is inherently insulting, aggressive, offensive, and anti-Semitic.  Am I being overly sensitive?  Perhaps.  Let’s reframe it with some different examples:  Are you ashamed of being Hispanic?  African American?  Hindu?  Ashamed of being handicapped?  Republican?  Infertile?  Lesbian?  Left-handed?  Atheist?  Obese?  Elderly?  Polish?  Diabetic?  Christian?  

So I thought for a long while about an appropriate response and on Thursday, January 8th sent:

I'm finally getting through my post-holiday email and am quite happy not to have run across your email during the holiday season.  It takes some doing to get some [sic] much wrong in such a short sentence, so you definitely have that going for you, whoever you are.

Let me help you out -- being Jewish is nothing at all to be ashamed of.  If I were Jewish, as my husband is, I'm sure I'd be proud of my heritage and vibrant cultural traditions and community.  But I'm not even the tiniest bit Jewish.  Completely WASP all the way back to the British Isles on both sides, 100% according to my 23 and me genetic profile.

Maybe you can find time in the new year to learn not to leap to incorrect assumptions.

Happy 2009.

I thought that I was quite direct, and maybe even funny, and I was expecting an apology -- something along the lines of “Oh, I didn’t realize you weren’t Jewish, and I’m sorry if I offended you.  My bad.”

We could have opened a conversation about participation in religious communities in Boulder, and I might have had a chance to mention that I am indeed an atheist, which I would have thought was objectionable to a much wider range of people than being Jewish.

Instead, here's what I got back:

-----Original Message-----
From:  [name removed]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 5:48 PM
To: Amy Batchelor
Subject: Re: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns

I do not know what I have got wrong.  I am fairly convined [sic] that you and Brad are narcissists and possibly borderline.   That's what I tell folks in Boulder.   I am Dr [name removed] google
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

And then I started getting mad:

-----Original Message-----
From: Amy Batchelor
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 7:33 PM
To: [name removed]

And any kind of actual therapist requires MEETING a person in order to make a diagnosis.  My DSM code was adjustment disorder with abnormal grief before I completed therapy.  Where's your degree from, doctor?

And maybe a little petty:

From: Amy Batchelor
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 7:35 PM
To: [name removed]

And what an interesting last name you have [name removed]- those 3 [letter removed] make you quite unusual.  Or perhaps you can't spell your own name?  Or type either?

And I tried again to correct his incorrect assumption:

You got wrong your central premise - the "ashamed of being Jewish" part -- I'm not Jewish.  Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my last email.  I'll keep it to simple phrases for you, Doctor.

And then he got mean and scary: 

[name removed] Pls google.  Arrogant answer for Miss Fat BU [sic].   [initials removed]
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

At this point, I want this entire exchange to end, so I sent this:

---Original Message-----
From: Amy Batchelor
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 7:59 PM
To: [name removed]
Subject: RE: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns

Okay, I'm ready for my blog post with all of your emails now.  Are you ready?

Which did have the desired effect of backing him off, but only after he sent this:

From: [name removed]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 8:04 PM
To: Amy Batchelor
Subject: Re: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns

Yes, I assumed both you and Brad were Jewish.  You should have quiit [sic] while you were ahead

-----Original Message-----
From: [name removed]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 8:34 PM
To: Amy Batchelor
Subject: Re: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns

What does this mean?  Just unsubscribe me as originally asked.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

----Original Message-----
From: "Amy Batchelor" <amy@feld.com>

Date: Thu, 8 Jan 2009 20:40:12
To: [name removed]
Subject: RE: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns

You certainly did not ask to be unsubscribed -- you sent an email asking "Ashamed of being Jewish?"  That is not a request to unsubscribe.  I'm happy to unsubscribe you, and will likely add your email address to my spam blocker.

This means that even though you wanted to take our interaction off of my blog by sending email directly instead of commenting on my "Winter" post in a public forum, I still have that public forum in which to share our conversation.  If you prefer to remain anonymous or not have your email address included in my blog post, please express that preference now.

And finally, a borderline apology and retreat:

-----Original Message-----
From: [name removed]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 9:02 PM
To: Amy Batchelor
Subject: Re: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns

I do not know what you intend to write.  Iclearly was mistaken about your religion and desire to hide it. I prefer not to be mentioned on your notes

-----Original Message-----

From: Amy Batchelor
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 9:11 PM
To: [name removed]
Cc: Brad Feld
Subject: RE: The Latest from Thoughts in Random Patterns

I will honor your request to keep your incorrect query about my religion offline, as well as unsubscribing you from my blog posts and adding your email to my spam blocker.  I will be writing a blog post about the level of civil discourse common in the online world which will be about this exchange, and your query, but will keep you anonymous.  Of course, Brad already knows about this entire exchange, as I requested his support in the face of your rudeness at the initial receipt of your email on Christmas Day.  I sincerely hope our paths never cross again.

And even after that, he just couldn't quit:

You misunderstood me.  I hate waspy pretensions.  Imistook u for jewish coz of your husband Dislike your shallow blog as well. Hope u learn sommething about art

So first he hates me because I'm Jewish, and now he hates me because I'm a WASP.

Why try so hard to make an enemy of me about my solstice celebration?

And he thought what?  That I’d keep these hostile, aggressive, inappropriate, insulting emails a secret, alongside my putative shame about being Jewish?

Why would you do this?  As a confirmed pack rat, I will keep these emails FOREVER.  In a small community like Boulder, any time Dr. [name removed] comes up, I will tell this tale.  In fact, I will be telling this tale loudly and widely in a range of contexts, naming his name.

And what I feared has come to pass; which is that by being a “public figure” I’m opening myself to contact from the angry mob.  But it turned out not to be so scary in the sunlight of a new day.  I actually feel newly empowered to speak my truth, especially since the original post was entirely innocuous and devoid of any controversial, risky, or personal content.  I feel a new Courage and Conviction and Commitment to writing – if I’m going to be attacked over something completely innocuous, like spending Christmas with my family, then I’m going to go ahead and put actual risky things out there into the world.

One of the challenges of participating in the public world of blogs and twitter and online newspaper comments is that the level of discourse is often, sadly, that of an angry, drunk, 14 year old boy.  I thought I'd post the exchange in hopes of getting support from my blogging community about how to deal with people like this, people who want to take the conversation offline and into one-to-one email, perhaps so they feel shielded from community values.

I'll close with some deep wisdom from Rabbi Hillel:  That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the whole Torah; the rest is commentary.  Go and study it.

Comments

[Tara Anderson]

Amy, thanks for sharing this incredible exchange. It's interesting what happens when you start putting yourself out there in an online sense because you start to attract a unique sort of attention, as you can attest. I love that this Dr. inspired you to risk even more.

After I had been blogging for a year (on a work-related blog, no less), I had the "honor" of being named a bangable blog babe by a guy calling himself Maddog. Experiences like this are good for two things: excellent jokes and blog content (http://talltara.com/burdens-of-being-a-bangable-blog-babe/).

Looking forward to reading more!

[Craig Mische]

Tonight I download the Feld iPhone app and that is where I read your post. Pretty bizarre and sad. Sad that someone, especially a doctor, would have something in their life that would engender that level of meanness. This is a poor attempt at levity but hopefully he can blame it on alcohol.

[David Cohen]

C is for coo-coo. well played.

"Calling Dr. Wackjob - please report to the psych lab for your full frontal lobotomy."

[Gotham Gal]

I get crazy comments too...particularly people who love to go off on my views. My answer is, don't read me. Ignore people like that. You are not having conversations with people grounded in your reality. That's life in the virtual world.

[nancy compton]

Amy - From the comments, those that appreciate your writing outnumber those that visit your blog and do not.

Your recent posts since the new year are ones that cause thought and reflection. I, for one, am thankful that you have chosen to forgo the occasional negative comment to share your view with us that appreciate it.

You handled it with grace...

Happy New Year...looking forward to the letter D.

[Micah Baldwin]

There are a couple of thoughts that come to mind.

1) The concept of being ashamed for one's religion or ethnicity or whatever. There are two definitions of ashamed that I know of: a) feeling guilt; or b) feeling inferior.

In order to feel inferior, one usually is felt excluded from a larger group and when those feelings of inferiority are based on ones race, religion, gender, sexual identity or whatever, I see it as a failing of the larger group to be accepting, than of the individual's inability to change who they are.

When people have asked if I am ashamed of being Jewish, which if anyone spends more than 60secs with me will realize I wear my Jewishness on my sleeve--literally (which I am using correctly, so help me god I hope), I ask, "if I were ashamed, would be it my fault or society's?"

My biggest issue with american society is the requirement that a single entity shoulder blame, rather than collectively assuming that burden.

2) Being the, well, character I am, I deal with a ton of BS on a daily basis. My tact is always the same. I pat them on the head, give them a lollipop, and send them outside to play. Nice work Amy. I only hope that this one idiot doesnt sour your desire to blog. Otherwise where else would I be humbled by absolute perfect grammar, spelling and structure?

[Julie Anne McNary]

And S is for "Speechless", "Stunned", with a dash of P is for "Psychotic", "Pathetic", a vein of V is for "VERY angry on your behalf," and a big huge W is for "What the hell?"

My god, Amy, I cannot believe this exchange. On the eve of one of the most hopeful times in our desperately-in-need of hope country, I cannot believe that someone, perhaps even (although I just don't know what to believe at this point) a doctor or mental health specialist, would be so petty, so poorly behaved, and so randomly aggressive.

Whomever you are, Doctor in Boulder, get help soon! Nice People at Harvard and Wellesley are all watching you RIGHT NOW and we don't like what we see!!!

Hoping for the best,
Julie Anne

[Joel Kehle]

Sounds like the not-so-good "doctor" needs some therapy.

Please keep on writing and sharing no matter what kind of crazies come out of the woodwork.

Your words are a delight.

[pwarden]

That's a case-study in how to deal with an online bully. The change once he fears his behavior will be made public shows what a little man he really is. I'm just sorry you had to devote so much energy to dealing with him.

Experiences like that threaten to make me cynical about human nature. I try to keep some balance by remembering all the random acts of kindness strangers have done for me, but it's tough.

[Cheryl Peirce]

In your case, C is also for classy, contemplative, compassionate, and occasionally comically-intense. (I cheated.) In my case, C is for comment-my first ever, inspired by this post. Yay you. Yay me.