- Michael M.: Too much going on. Life in flux, etc..
- Sunshine: Wow, I was soooo happy to see a new post in my rss reader. I was hopping this is already the comeback! :(...
- gandalf: Did you only get caffeine through Dr.p or did you drink coffee as well? I’m interested, since...
- neeka: nine kilos… wow… :) happy holidays to you, michael, and to all your loved ones! veronica
- m: It was a bargain. No strings attached.
Ljubljana, Slovenia.
Temperature: 4°C Clouds: Broken Clouds
Maribor, Slovenia.
Temperature: 3°C Clouds: Scattered Clouds
Portoroz, Slovenia.
Temperature: 7°C Clouds: Cloud and Visibility OK
• AlienMelon
• Burger.si
• Heck
• Izklop
• si.blogs
• Sloblogi
• Blogorola
• Natalija Verboten
The Apple Store in Vienna A prison in Styria, Austria. (More pics)
If you look at these figures comparing crime in Austria and crime in the U.S. you’ll notice something odd: although the U.S. has higher crime rates in virtually every category (murder, forcible rape, robbery, aggravated assault, etc…) the Austrians triumph in one category: burglary. But why? Why is the rate of burglaries in Austria a whopping 40% higher than in the U.S.? I’ll tell you why: because Austrian minimum security prisons are fucking awesome! If you’re in Austria, and have a working brain, you should be trying to get into one right now!
Commit the right crime, and this could be your cell!
Hell, I live just a few kilometers from the border and I’m seriously considering heading over there this weekend and doing some serious damage. What’s the worst that can happen? Either I come back with a new kick-ass flat-screen television or they send me to some place like the Justice Center Leoben and I get a few months of all-inclusive paid vacation. It’s win-win!
Fun games of ping-pong help show you the error of your ways.
Indoor soccer teaches you that what you did was wrong because it’s like against society.
No costly, monthly membership fees for you at this glorious gym! Feel the burn! Rrrrr!
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “Michael, you’ve made a pretty convincing argument so far and, truth be told, I wouldn’t mind hurting an Austrian or two and maybe picking up some new Bose speakers in the process. But what about the fact that you’re restricted in prison? Aren’t you isolated from your loved ones there? That doesn’t sound like fun.”
Well, verily I say unto you: “Guenther (if your name is Guenther — otherwise substitute your own name instead) Austria’s enlightened prison authorities fully understand your concerns and they’re ready to help. That’s why they’ve set up some awesomely comfortable rooms for your conjugal visits.”
Aw, hell yeah!
You see? What kind of five-star prison wouldn’t have a love shack, baby? And afterwards, keep in mind that there’s no time for fighting or arguing or anything. Your partner goes home and you retire to your balcony to rest and reflect on your long day of ping-ponging and ding-donging.
Life can be cruel to people who aren’t in Austrian prisons.
By now you’re probably saying to yourself: “Well, Michael, I’ve got my ski mask on, my crowbar in hand and I’m ready to roll — are you sure there are no downsides to this place?”
And to that I’m afraid I have to say that, yes, Guenther there are. There’s always a catch to everything, isn’t there? For Leoben it’s this: you’ll probably have to spend a lot of time with an Austrian Sozialpädagogin (literally: “one who doesn’t know shit from shinola“) and you’ll have to do a lot of reflecting and do stuff like write poems about why you took that dude’s rolex. You’ll also be exposed to the word “auseinandersetzen”
(to “confront” or “deal” with an issue) thousands of times. Like in some Stalinist show trial, you’ll have to admit that the reasons you stole that kid’s Playstation are: your sense of alienation from modern life, an unsupportive family structure, an unclear concept of right and wrong, Austrian society in general, and the movie Pirates of the Caribbean 2 in particular.
Ugh. Now that I think about it, it’s actually not worth it. And even if you’d like to go, the place is booked to capacity: 205 “prisoners” at the moment. It’s probably harder to get into this place than it is for a woman to join the Vienna Philharmonic.
Still, if you have to go to prison — choose Austria!
UPDATE: Welcome, kottke.org readers! If any of you are planning a pan-Austrian crime spree this summer, let me know because I’d love to come visit you at this place. (Not a conjugal visit, though. Just to see it from the inside.)
1f6fComments
Comments for this post are closed.
I figure the other crimes would increase as well if your thesis were correct.
Y’all don’t have weapons, thus its easy to barge in tie you up (torture you?)and get away with 20x the loot of a convience store.
We don’t all have weapons, true. We like to keep you guys guessing. Shot luck, as it were…
Hilarious piece, Michael. Almost makes you want to go on a crime spree in order to spend some time at Hotel Leoben. But I’m sure, posh as it it, that there’s a waiting list and you have to know people who know people if you actually want to get in…
Never underestimate the stopping-power of a woman’s handbag. The shit they’ve got in there packs a punch equal to being hit in the head with a gold brick grated with lemon peel.
Michael: Great post, really. Just one downside you forgot. I think EU cititens serve their penalties in their coutry of origin. So you’d probably end up in some overcrowded Slovene prison together in a cell with a man named Ä?enan or Hrvoje. But then again, he might buy your Bose speakers
It would seem the Austrians aren’t paying enough EU contributions, if they can afford such a luxury …
In my former existance as a hardworking teacher I used to feel extremely grateful in situations where someone took care of my needs for a change. For example: at the dentist’s. I’d sit there, no need to talk whatsoever, and feel happy that someone is going to take care of my health…
I love the sarcasm of this post, really funny.
Wow. Just wow. If they ever decide to sell off the building they’d make a killing selling it as a high-class retirement home.
Maybe I should consider becomming a criminal …
Great article! Especially justification why there is higher rate in burglary in AUT then in USA. That really set a fundation for the whole story!
B5
It gives a whole new meaning to the term “breaking and entering”
Michael,
Just got back from a travel agent here regarding a possible Euro trip. She never suggested the Austro-LockUp scenic tour. Is this information you’ve so kindly provided on the hush-hush or is the possibility of such a sojourn only open to Euro members?
And, oh yes, health benefits? One question. If allowed to spend one;s tiem at this facility, would plastic surgery be counted as elective or as necessary surgery? And if elective, is it covered under the medical covergae policy at said establishment.
Awaiting a response.
Sincerely,
DarkoV
Prospective Inmate Candidate # 778567
Darko, I’m not sure how it works for foreigners and if they’re eligible for cosmetic surgery OR the aromatherapy treatments.
This story in Krone (in German) mentions, though, that there are people from 19 countries locked up in there. So not all foreigners are deported.
The prison in Koper also isn’t bad.
Are there similar facilities for female prisoners? …may be passing through Austria soon…..
If you aren’t an Austrian citizen, you can totally forget about bein treated that nicely in any Austrian jail. You have absolutely no chance. Zero!
Interestingly, if the extremely right-wing parties are right (which they rarely are), Austria doesn’t have more burglars than any other country, it just has more burglaries becuase of all the crooks coming in from Eastern Europe to go on tieving tours …
Me, I have no idea what the explanation could be. It can’t be the nice prisons, because it isn’t that much more work to live at an even better standard on unemployment benefits.
I want to become an Austrian prisoner when I grow up!
Typically, most of us don’t know Scheiße about Austria. I suspect they may simply have a much higher standard of living, and the wealth may be more evenly distributed than in countries like the U.S. Perhaps we better check out their hospitals, schools, and homes for comparison.
Incidentally, never trust a brochure.
If a sudden influx of comments on this post surprises you, Michael, be aware that it’s been mentioned on Kottke.
By the way, how are the zoos in Austria?
Now all you have to worry about is a gun-toting homeowner turning your innocent burglary into a “home invasion -slash- assisted suicide”.
Wait a minute! This is Austria - y’all ain’t got no handguns!
Once again Florida wins! Crappy prisons + castle rule (-lawsuits on behalf of newly deceased burglars) + cheap senior citizen taxpayers on a fixed income with gun permits = lotsa dead burglars who never saw the shot coming and can’t sue! Yippee!
Quite frankly, it’s more cost effective to shoot you dead in my house than to call the police! ;-))
(Note: this is sarcasm…)
Seriouly if this was in Maui, one room would cost 120,000 to buy. And the maintance fees would be close to 1000 a month! Go figure. Great blog Michael!
Perhaps I can come over for two weeks in October. Commit a crime - say steal a case of wine, and that has me locked up for two weeks, but on day-release of course so I can see the countryside and get my accomodation for free. Awesome.
core77.com just linked up to this article. nice work.