Daily Dose - 021028 - BUSES, BIZARRE NEWS, smoking a cigarette, DDL, Rotten News
BUSES
A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, officer," The blonde says, "How do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
____________________________
BIZARRE NEWS.....
Bizarre Trivia
Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive.
Clinophobia is the fear of beds.
The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on it's fur.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist. [Figures.]
Astronauts cannot cry. In space, there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.
A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.
In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.
********
"Doctors" Gone Wild!... Amateur Brain Surgeon Nabbed
CAIRO - Egyptian police have arrested a man who performed brain surgery on a number of people even though he had only a primary school education, court sources said Wednesday.
The 40-year-old saw around 200 patients a week in the town of Fayoum near Cairo. You'd think his pricing would've scared patients away... his charge a mere 22 Egyptian pounds ($4.74) per patient.
The fate of his victims was not immediately known.
********
Fake Paraplegic In the Doghouse
SYDNEY - Steven Craig Seach, 32, faces fraud charges after claiming to be a paraplegic who was robbed and left hanging upside down from a fence post.
He made his claim at a news conference packed with police and media people. Due to his claims, Seach received an abundant amount of donations from across the city.
After being caught, he apologized and asked the public to leave him alone, he's had a hard life.
His mother assured the public she would be keeping him on a dog chain from now on.
*********
The New Pussy Show... This Is Rated G?
Cats are people too. At least, that's the thinking of catfood maker Meow Mix Co., which this fall launches Meow TV, a half-hour cable show aimed at giving America's 85 million felines a break from the endless humdrum of The West Wing, Touched by an Angel and Dog Eat Dog.
CEO Richard Thompson foresees "a Discovery Channel for cats," though the firm will produce only a few episodes at first.
"There will be squirrels, bouncing balls, little fish swimming by, and all the things that cats love to watch," says Thompson.
*********
Man Eats Boiled Cabbage To Prepare For Hot Dog-Eating Contest
Olympic athletes beware... Ed "Cookie" Jarvis, 36, says his competition preparation is very time-consuming. He rides 29 miles on an exercise bike and walks a mile on an indoor track daily.
You'd think good old Ed would be thin, but alas the 420-pound Jarvis' competition doesn't allow for this. He is the world's pizza, ice cream and french-fry eating champ.
His records include consuming a 17-inch pizza in three minutes and devouring six pounds, 14 ounces of ice cream in 12 minutes.
*********
Charge It! Tummy Tucks and Liposuction
MIAMI - Two Miani-Dade County prison officers are facing 15-year prison terms and a fine up to $250,000 after using children's Social Security numbers to obtain credit cards to pay for plastic surgery.
In addition to tummy tucks and lipo-suction, cars and home mortgages were on the women's agenda.
They, surprisingly, did not repay the credit they obtained.
____________________________
A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
____________________________
DDL
There is a young lass of Valencia
For whom sex is a form of dementia.
For the first hour she's quiet
Then she builds to a riot
With a noise that grows quickly intensia.
____________________________
"Martha Stewart had an interesting show this morning. She showed people how to make bail."
--Jay Leno
***
"I'm sitting at the opera, and I'm thinking, 'Look how much work it takes to bore me to tears.'"
--Dave Attell
***
"My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living will. It's a document that gives her the right, if I become attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life. So yesterday, I'm on the exercise bike..."
-Jonathan Katz
_____________________________
Rotten News.... (true)
Wheelchair-bound granny turns it on for 300 yen a pop
By Cheryl Chow
Contributing Writer
Jan. 1, 2002
"I never realized just how much fun sex is when you're not worried about getting pregnant. And I"m lucky to have come here and met such wonderful men."
Although she's over 80 years old, Akiyo Okubo (not her real name) wears makeup and a contented smile on her well-shaped face, as she speaks to the Director of the Special Nursing Home for the Aged.
Twice, Okubo had been discovered in bed with a male resident of the home -- with two different ones, no less. When the staff confronted her with the naked fact, Okubo made no attempt to cover up. "I only charge the men 300 yen a night," she declared.
Enjo kosai -- compensated dating -- in an old folks home? Writing for Bungei Shunju (August), Teruyuki Kobayashi remarks that he's had to revamp the image he held of the elderly as withered people without an appreciable sex drive after touring old folks homes across the nation. He compiled his observations into an 18-page report, "The Gray Sexual Revolution," for which he won the Ooya Award for nonfiction writing.
Although she was confined to a wheelchair, Okubo is one of the more egregious examples of unabashed sexuality. When she entered the home, she instantly attracted attention with her expensive eyeglasses, stylish suits, blouses and accessories, and -- as was discovered come laundry time -- sexy underwear. And her makeup was impeccable.
The men were ecstatic. Not only was Okubo a "beauty," she was talented to boot: She delighted everyone with her beautiful singing voice during karaoke time. Soon, men who had been skipping this event started showing up.
Before long, Bungei Shunju ominously reports, Okubo became intimate with two men, Kenzou Matsukura and Yasuji Tokuzawa (pseudonyms), both wheelchair-bound octogenarians. According to Okubo, they all agreed that sex in their twilight years was far more meaningful and enjoyable than in their younger days. There was genuine concern about their partner's physical well-being, and since each act might be their last, it made sex all the more poignant.
Unfortunately, this story doesn't have a happy ending. The trio got along at first, but soon jealousy reared its ugly head. Matsukura and Tokuzawa wanted Okubo's exclusive attention, and decided to win her affections the old-fashioned way: through a duel. One moonlit night, they wheeled out into the garden and battled it out, with weapons of bamboo broom and umbrella. Tokuzawa, who had practiced kendo in his youth, emerged victorious, leaving Matsukura bleeding and unconscious. It proved to be a Pyrrhic victory. When Matsukura had to be hospitalized for his injuries, the victor and the damsel he fought so valiantly to win were so remorse-stricken that they broke off their relationship completely. And within the year, all three were dead.
Okubo and her gallant lovers are by no means the exception. Attendants at old folks homes say that they've often witnessed elderly couples locked in a naked embrace, hiding out in the bathrooms. And, the attendants gripe, no matter how meticulously they clean the toilets, they always end up covered with semen -- the "signature work" of men without partners.
Yet in Japan today, Bungei Shunju writes, there is a taboo on the open discussion of sex. And when it comes to sexuality and the elderly, there is a great deal of misperception and prejudice.
The magazine concludes, "We need to take a more understanding and magnanimous stance toward the issue of sex among older people in the 21st century."
After all, as Kobayashi points out, the Chinese character for "sex" is comprised of the symbols for "life" and "heart."
*******
Valrico Couple Fighting State to Keep '2 Dagos' License Plate
The Associated Press
Published: Jul 3, 2002
VALRICO, Fla. (AP) - A couple who wanted to express pride in their Italian heritage with the license plate "2 Dagos" are being told to return the plate to the state because some people feel it's an ethnic slur.
But Phil and Fran Lascola said they are fighting the request, saying they don't consider the term insulting.
"How in the world could they say this is obscene?" said Phil Lascola. "We're Italians, we're not slamming anybody."
Florida issued the license plate 18 months ago for the couple's BMW, but reconsidered its decision when it received a recent complaint.
The state says it has the right to withdraw or refuse to issue tags that are vulgar or objectionable.
Controversial ones have included "Atheist," "Mutiny," "H-8" (meaning hate), and variations of the "f" word. After a fight, the Gainesville man with the "Atheist" tag was allowed to keep it.
A Save the Manatee specialty tag with "EAT UMM" as the identifier was taken away from a Tallahassee driver.
The couple in suburban Tampa said they don't know who complained. Most people think it's funny or give them a thumbs up, Phil Lascola said.
But state officials don't agree.
The letter the Lascolas received provides them with a temporary plate until they can get "one of their choice," Sanchez said.
Phil Lascola doesn't want another plate. "This isn't a bad word," he said. "People call us dagos all the time."
*********
Nevada Town Holds Armpit Festival
By BRENDAN RILEY
Associated Press Writer
June 29, 2002, 11:12 AM EDT
CARSON CITY, Nev. -- Battle Mountain residents thought they took an unfair hit last year when a national magazine listed their rural northeast Nevada town as the nation's armpit. Now, many hope that story was opportunity knocking.
Reacting to the Washington Post Magazine article, the community is holding a "Festival in the Pit" -- with new events such as a deodorant toss replacing the old-fashion egg toss.
"You know, when you talk about armpits, you think it was an awful, horrible thing to be called," says Shar Peterson, executive director of the local Chamber of Commerce. "Armpits are stinky and sweaty. But it doesn't have to be something bad. We can springboard off this."
There were mixed feelings as the festival took shape. Peterson says some wanted more focus on the "armpit" theme while others wanted no references to the magazine article at all.
In the end, the "Festival in the Pit" planning took a middle road, with a mix of events favored by both factions.
For the "any publicity is better than none" crowd, there's the deodorant toss and the event's name. Miles away, down busy Interstate 80 that runs through Battle Mountain, there's a billboard that says, "Make Battle Mountain your next pit stop."
"This is small-town America, the heart of America," says Peterson, adding that armpits "are just five inches from the heart" -- a line borrowed from the sympathetic headline on the humorous article written by Gene Weingarten.
The town also was encouraged by a state Tourism Commission consultant, Roger Brooks, to incorporate the "armpit" designation into an "America's outback" campaign that would lure more tourists to town.
Brooks suggested replacing, removing or fixing some signs advertising businesses. One that was fixed was the Shell sign that illustrated the Post magazine article -- with the letter "S" in "Shell" burned out.
When Weingarten saw "hell" instead of "Shell," he joked that it was a sign from God that Battle Mountain should get the "armpit of America" title.
But he also said the designation might just be the catalyst for some sort of renaissance for the town of nearly 4,000. "All it will take is a little sweat," he quipped.
The Chamber of Commerce ran with the idea.
"We're not saying things were bad and everything needed to be changed," Peterson says. "But we definitely had room for improvement, and this definitely inspired it."