Why wives hate mothers-in-law
'She may be a feminist, but she's a mother first'
Men crack most of the world's mother-in-law jokes, but a new study says it's women who do the real suffering.
Nearly two-thirds of women studied by a British researcher reported their mothers-in-law had caused them long-term unhappiness and stress. Only fifteen percent of men offered similar complaints.
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The study was done over 20 years by Terri Apter, a psychologist at Cambridge University's Newnham College. She took up the challenge when she couldn't understand why she always felt smothered by her mother-in-law.
Apter studied 49 couples and 156 other people, including showing up and taking notes at birthdays, anniversaries and other family parties. (Religious parties, such as Christmas, were avoided because of the added stress.)
Daughters-in-law complained their mothers-in-law exhibited "unreasonably jealous, maternal love" towards their sons. Some wives said relationships with their husbands' mothers were "strained," "uncomfortable" and "infuriating."
One 29-year-old woman said, "She may be a feminist, but she's a mother first. She wants [her son] to be happy. And let's face it -- he'd be happier if I worked less, and looked after him more."
Some women said their mothers-in-law babied their sons too much.
"Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflict often emerges from an expectation that each is criticizing or undermining the other," Apter told the Telegraph of London.
One woman told a story about her mother-in-law answering the home phone during a visit. "I heard her say, 'This is Mrs. Caine.' I've been married to her son for 2½ years, but she keeps forgetting I'm Mrs. Caine, and I'm the Mrs. Caine someone wants when they telephone my home."
Daughters-in-law also complained about criticism from their husbands' mothers on housework and child care.
Mothers-in-law said they didn't understand the root of a daughter-in-law's hostility and that they were "quick to take offense" or take "everything I say the wrong way."
Apter called the strained relationships "a tragedy" because they divide "women who have much in common, and who could benefit from one another's friendship."
Although Apter's research was done in England, the divide is clearly not just within British families. One online story describing Apter's research began: "The 'saas-bahu' [mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in Hindi] saga is not just confined to India and Indian traditions, a study led by Dr. Terri Apter . . ."