Japan's air sex world champion licks himself into shape

( You have to read this entire article. It's solid gold from start to finish. -L )

Japan has recently claimed the world air guitar championship, but Weekly Playboy (10/2) notes that less well known is that Japan already had a world champ in another virtual sport -- air sex!

Just like air guitar pits competitors prancing around on stage empty handed but acting as though they were playing a hot riff, air sex requires players to simulate sauciness as though with a partner, but actually while alone.

"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex," J-Taro Sugisaku, the self-professed creator of air sex, tells Weekly Playboy.

Sugimura tells the weekly that air sex began when a mostly male group gathered at a theater in the trendy Tokyo district of Shimo Kitazawa earlier this year. They began talking about sex techniques, then started demonstrating them. Soon, a competition developed to come up with the most outrageous display of faked fornication.

"You must be warned, though... air sex can be very dangerous," Sugisaku says. "Normally what happens with a display is that you perform the same way you normally would when having sex. I've seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they're still virgins. I've also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous."

Japan's reigning air sex world champion is a fella who goes by the name of Cobra. His theory for successful air sex is that it involves more than just blowing.

"On the day that I reached the top, the day I became world champion, I was thinking of my girlfriend. No, my ex-girlfriend. She'd just dumped me two days before the contest," Cobra tells Weekly Playboy. "The air sex display I put on that day was, in my mind at least, supposed to be the farewell fling I really wanted to have with my girlfriend. It was the best possible condition I could have been in going into the competition."

Cobra then proceeds to put on an 8 1/2-minute display of air sex for the weekly, with moves including ear nibbling, sphincter licking, attaching a condom while kissing, ejaculation and afterglow. Cobra says that the knack of bogus bonking lies in openness.

"You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you. When you get down to air sex, you've got to immerse yourself in the air sex world," Cobra says. "Air sex can't be performed in half-measures. If it is, you're only asking for trouble."

Air sexpert Sugisaku agrees.

"If you get nervous, air sex is impossible," he tells Weekly Playboy. "A good start is understanding your own sexual habits and going on from there." (By Ryann Connell)

September 21, 2006

Dick kick narrowly avoided.

My boyfriend and I walked from the parking lot to his apartment the other night. We got to his door and then I remembered that I left something in the car that I needed. I headed back out to the parking lot by myself and he stood outside by his place waiting for me. I'm in the parking lot when I heard his idiot next door neighbor yell something, "DUDE!" maybe, to get my attention. Since I'm not a DUDE! and I knew he and his 2 guy friends were most likely trashed (night of the UT v. OSU game) I didn't look back because well... nothing good would have come of it. I got back from my car and walked up to the common area that my boyfriend and Idiot share. Idiot stood there with only a white towel wrapped around his waist trying to make nice nice with my boy. Idiot fixed me with the same sort of glare you'd give someone who ratted you out. What the fuck? I grabbed my boy and we went inside.

I ask him, "Um, was Idiot wearing pants?" My boy told me, "No, he only had a towel around his waist. I'm pretty sure he had the towel open when he stepped out of his apartment behind you and tried to get your attention. I think he wanted to flash you or something, but then he saw me standing here." Ahh, what the fuck, indeed. He got caught. Ick. So what we had here was a guy who thought I was alone walking through a dark parking lot, and thought, "Hey, you know what's fun? Making a woman fear for her safety." Truly a prince among men. Let's be honest, a stranger who wags his genitals around in a deserted and dark place at a lone woman has no good intentions. Perhaps he realized too late that hanging around in less than pants with his buddies threatened his sexuality and decided he needed to borrow a cup of dignity from someone else. Or maybe he'd been purposefully lying in toweled wait to flash the next woman who happened by, I don't know. Had I turned around and gotten an eyeful, he would have been fair game for a swift, ferocious dick kick because it wasn't funny or cute.

A couple who lived 500 yards from the north tower of the World Trade Center just released previously unseen footage.

Penn State failed me.

Hook 'Em Horns!