Friday humour - November 02, 2007
[ from Steve at Bluehaze]
Another mind numbing week of pollies rabbiting on here in Oz. There seems
to be some form of mass hallucination happening again like it does every 4
years or so. People are actually believing what they hear! When was the
last time any one of the pollies actually did what they said they were
going to do during an election campaign?
And another thing. How come, when the AFL season has been well and truly
FINISHED for more than a month, some ex-footballer on the other side of
the planet, who allegedly doesn’t do something, gets first story on a
national TV news above real news like a grandfather being bashed to death
for legally watering his lawn. Who GIVES A RATS about the ex-footballer!
At all! Please let those of us who don’t worship the code above all else,
get a little bit of relief from it between seasons. Well that's my
rhetorical vent over with.
This weeks collection is courtesy of Allnuts, Anatinus, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Geoff, Moose, Muse,
Nottingham Smithie, Rudolf from the West, The Great Gussius, Whizzbang,
Zalaga, and the unidentified anonymi.
My favourite for this week is:
Magic moments from the All Blacks at the Rugby World cup
Click here
Probably lost on those of you who don’t follow Rugger ....
Anyway, here we go!
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LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a
Meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They
rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each" so the eager senior manager shouted, "I
want the first wish. I want to be In the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have
no worries." Pfufffff. And he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In
Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff. And
he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two bastards back in the office after
lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
LESSON IS: "NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING"
LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when
the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are
you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you ...
Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of
'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am
I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON IS: "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"
LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a Frenchman,
who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie
appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He
said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a
wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the
pool of water to become,
then your wish will come true."
The Frenchman wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted,
"WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was
so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented
with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he
steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"SHIT!!!!!!!........."
LESSON IS: "THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES
ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN"
LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in
charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the
brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants
to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's
going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad. To
prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed
that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief.
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly.
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and Became unstable.
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred.
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body.
Day 6 - The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: "NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU
ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS
IN CHARGE"
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into heaven, you
had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go
into effect at noon the next day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of heaven. The
Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died.''No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor
apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her
lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife
was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just
as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his
fingers until he Fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed
in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.
This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the
first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was
so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day,it was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced,
'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, It was
John Howard.' Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to Hear about
what your day was like when you died.' Johnnie said, 'No problem. But
you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th floor
apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally
fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips
on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes
running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which
broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on
the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push
his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and
lands on top of me, killing me instantly.' The Angel is quietly laughing to
himself as Johnnie finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new
policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome
to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Howard enter.
A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost
too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr Warne , please tell me what
it was like the day you died.' Shane says,
'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......'
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The 11th Husband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
times.?"
"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art
method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't
sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ OH God I
miss him.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT" .. THIS TIME !!!! I KNOW I'M GONNA GET
SCREWED."
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The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South
Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South
Australia) were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they
want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a
Tooheys New."
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade
Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King
of Beers."
The bloke from Carlton says, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest
draught on the planet."
The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll
have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then
neither will I."
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu ...
+ Tourist: $5.00
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00 + Baked Democrat
or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference
for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
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A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then
hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming 'Run!!!'
The next batter hits a single.
The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers 'RUN!! RUN!!'
The next batter also hits a single.
The Scotsman listens as the crowd roars as a run scores, and cheers 'RUN!!
RUN!!'
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fourth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls: 'Walk.'
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.The Scot stands up and
screams, 'Run ye lazy bastard - rrrun!'
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, 'He
can't run --he has four balls.'
The Scot stands up and screams: 'Walk with pride, Laddie!'
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At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Yuma sits a Huge Mexican.
He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man
walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to
say something to the big Mexican. Leaning over towards him, he whispers,
"Do you want a blow job?" At this, the massive Mexican leaps up with fire
in his eyes and smacks the shit out of him, knocking him swiftly off his
stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving
him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican.
I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to
you?"
"I don't know," the big Mexican replied. "Something about a job."
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The Bible and PMS
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation the
entire range of human experience could be found in the
Holy Bible.
He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described
somewhere in the Holy Bible."
After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I
don't think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS."
The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS
somewhere in scripture.
During the following week he searched the Bible diligently, book-by-book,
chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.
On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find
any references to PMS in the Bible?"
The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
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APPRAISAL
A reader sends the following gems forwarded by a friend who works in local
government. These allegedly genuine appraisal reports have circulated on
numerous networks for a number of years, like sundry other classic 'real
life' compilations on the frontiers of plausibility (e.g. insurance
claims). They are included here since appraisal is topical issue and in
the interests of more picturesque speech.
"Since his last appraisal, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started digging."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
won't be."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it's only to change feet."
"This lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then constantly fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"He has a knack of making strangers immediately."
"He brings joy to others, when he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored - he's the other one."
"A photographic memory, but with the lens cover left on."
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
"Has two brains: one is lost; the other out looking for it."
"If he was any more stupid he'd have to be watered."
"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change."
"It's hard to believe that he beat a million other sperm."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"It takes him two hours to watch sixty minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
"This man would have to study for a month to pass a urine test."
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Top this for a speeding ticket...
Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an
unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great
North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the
speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised
when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped
working and the officers were not able to reset it.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in
fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a
low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North
Sea.
Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint
to the RAF Liaison office.
Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:
"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this
incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the
Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your
hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to
it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft
had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot
flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly
responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override
the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your
hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day Sir"
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Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured
princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once
a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from
you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought
to herself:
I don't freaking think so.
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The Real Story
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a
concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them and 8
months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
Medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman
was high on cocaine and she rode a horse right into a train head-on,
traveling at 90 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's
blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now
she's running for President."
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What kind of perversion is this!
Panty sellers roll in the cash by rolling off their soiled skimpies in
disabled toilets.
Safety and easy accessibility is increasingly transforming toilets for the
disabled at Tokyo's railway stations into marketplaces for schoolgirls'
panties, according to Spa!
Large numbers of high school girls are often seen going into the roomier
johns and those in the know say the kind of business they're getting up to
is not what normally goes on in public conveniences.
"They're actually engaged in burusera trading inside there," a writer
specializing on the adult entertainment world tells Spa!
Burusera, of course, is the name given to the panty trade, with the term
derived from the manufactured English phrase "bloomer seller."
"Recently," the writer continues, "many of the contact points specified for
meetings on burusera sites have been the disabled toilets at railway
stations. Girls selling their panties prefer it this way because they
don't have to go through burusera shops and can therefore increase their
margins."
That's been precisely the case for 17-year-old Maki, a schoolgirl who has
been using a disabled toilet at a suburban Tokyo railway station for the
past two years as the place to sell her soiled underwear.
"Customers prefer it this way, too, because you never know for sure if the
panties you buy at a burusera shop are the real thing.
There's always that doubt. And on top of that, buyers pay extra if they see
you take off your panties in front of them. We can barter together and I
can get somewhere from 5,000 yen to 7,000 yen if I strip off my panties in
front of the buyer," Maki tells
Spa! "You get more money for panties the longer you've been wearing them
and the dirtier they get. Depending on the circumstances,
there are some guys who'll pay as much as 20,000 yen for a single pair of
panties."
Girls like Maki have few qualms about carrying out their illegal and
illicit trade in toilets that are supposed to provide access to people who
struggle to use regular facilities. They say the disabled toilets provide
them with a safety not available with alternatives.
"Some of the weirdoes who buy used panties can be really scary, Sometimes,
they kind of leer at you as though they're going to swoop down on you any
second. If I'm in a station's disabled toilet, people can hear my cries
for help and safety is never far away," Maki says. "You can't get that
peace of mind in places like love hotels."
Maki adds there are also other convenient aspects about public
conveniences.
"Occasionally, and I mean really occasionally, there are perverts who'll
give you money if you spit, or piss, or shit for them," schoolgirl Maki
tells Spa! "At those times, doing business in the toilet makes things so
much easier."
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New Leap Year calendar from 2008
Due to the terrorist attacks on September 11, the USA Department of State
has proposed to permanently delete 9-11 and so alter the calendar from
2008 onwards.
"2008 as a Leap Year, is an ideal year to make the change and
simultaneously remove this ill-fated date." A spokesperson said. "The
extra day in the leap year will compensate for the day removed from 2008.
In future non-leap years, February 29th will remain and become a permanent
feature of a regular 365-day year."
In a press release issued by the White House, the President's Office said
"The minor inconvenience of September 10 being immediately followed by
September 12 will affect less than 0.3% of the population, many of whom
are known to be Muslim."
The proposal is due to be ratified by the United Nations General Assembly
before the end of the 2007 calendar year to allow sufficient time for
businesses world wide to adapt. The New York stock market responded
positively to the announcement closing up
1.3% on the day.
Rueters
April 1, 2007
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Catholic School
Little Morris Cohen was doing very badly in maths.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special
learning mathematics.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Morris down and enrolled him in
the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Morris came home with a very serious look on
his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight
to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Morris was
hard at work. His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner; to her shock, the minute he was done, he
marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back
hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Morris brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise,
little Morris got an "A" in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?" Little Morris looked at her and shook his head, "No".
"Well, then", she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Morris looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fucking
around."
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Terrorists
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks
"What's going on?"
Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Tony Abbott and Peter Costello.
They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse
them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking
up a collection."
The driver asks,
"How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
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The Wrong Badge
One day a 10 year old boy was walking down the road when a car pulled up
beside him.
I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" the driver said.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.
"No way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, then"? Quizzed the driver,
still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy "OK, I know what
you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", The driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car"? Asked the driver with A long
sigh.......
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."
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Wee Bit Of Catholic Humour:
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said,
"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The
priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
"You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so
she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
"cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
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Junior School Children Writing About The Sea.
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age
8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where
I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7)
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Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to
the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for
German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" Then, warming to his
theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask
me if I was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I
was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?"
The assistant said: "Well, no."
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a
gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was
French?" "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all
right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because
I asked for Irish sausages?"
The assistant replied: "Because you're in Bunnings"
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The Perfect Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate
point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a
rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud
as he typed...
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
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IRISH JOKE
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbour's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". He
goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still
barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Let's see how THEY like it !"
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Cheap modifications to get faster 1/4 mile ET ...
Click here
They just don't make ballads like that anymore
Click here
Just the job
Click here
Funnies from radio4
A History of Dung 25 October 2007
Click here
Men and their sheds 25/10/07
Click here
Saying Goodbye
Click here
PAW PAW, Mich. (AP) - A man was taken on a wild ride when his wheelchair
became lodged in the grille of a semi trailer and was accidentally pushed
down a highway for four miles at about 50 mph, authorities said. The 21yr
old man, whose name was not released,
was unharmed but was taken to a hospital as a precaution. He had been
secured to his wheelchair by a seat belt. "The man spilled his soda pop,
but he wasn't upset," said Sgt. Kathy Morton of the Michigan State Police.
About 4 p.m. Wednesday, a caller told police dispatchers, "You are not
going to believe this: There is a semi truck pushing a guy in a wheelchair
on Red Arrow Highway," state police said in a release. Authorities
initially wondered whether the report was a prank call until others called
with similar reports. Officers stopped the truck-wheelchair still
attached-at a trucking company. The driver didn't believe officers until
he stepped from his cab and saw for himself. "When he saw us, he was like,
'What's going on?'"
Morton said.
An investigation revealed the man in the wheelchair had pulled in front of
the truck at a gas station and it somehow became lodged by its handles to
the front grille.
Click here
Mans chain letter
Click here
My hero ... (cringe)
Click here
Simon Sez
Click here
How to spot a deer hunter with a DUI conviction ...
Click here
Skeleton Sex ...
Click here
Office Ronaldihno
Click here
Political promises
Click here
Pictures
Click here
Human tetris
Click here
Annual leave at Christmas
Click here
5 cases when its OK to use the F word.
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Every man's dream!!!
Click here
Need a room?
Click here
We had a "going away" party yesterday for a lady at our Little Rock claim
office. One of the supervisors called Wal-Mart and ordered the cake. He
told them to write: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that write "We
will miss you". As the picture shows, it didn't quite turn out right. It
was too funny not to keep it.
Click here
Spitfire (not what you think)
Click here
Pig Dog
Click here Click here
Who's afraid of flying?
Click here Click here Click here
Matching lavender outfit: $200
New pair of French sunglasses: $100
NIKE products Endorsements: $10,000,000
Having a "special place" to hold your putter . . PRICELESS
Click here
Stick people
Click here
Now That's a pool
Click here Click here Click here
The male brain relaxing!
Click here
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Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!
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[ End friday humour ]
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