HIMEKA in JAPAN

I need your votes.

If you were to pick my artist name. And had no restriction. Don’t think of the practical or logical issues.

How many of you would be happier if I went by ‘Catherine St-Onge’ (hence, my real name)?

How many of you would be happier if I went by ‘HIMEKA’ (my artist name and name that I’ve been personally using since 12 years ago)?

How many of you would be happier if I went by ‘Catherine’ (just my first name)?

How many of you would be okay with me being ‘Catherine-HIMEKA’ (that sounds highly uncool, but it’s probably the only way that I can incorporate the ‘HIMEKA’ part in my name)?

Please be honest! I’d like to know what you think.

The truth is… I don’t have a choice though, but I’d still would like to see what some of my readers/listeners think.

I want to make something clear.

I don’t want to be some jpop idol. If some of you mistook my words for that, I’m sorry.

I’m very happy to be starting as an anime singer. I couldn’t be happier.

But I wish I could truly BE an anime singer. Not just a one-time or two-time thing.

I am okay with doing a little bit of different things, but I want to mainly be known in the anime world.

Because I am very attached to anime. Not just from Japan. When I was a kid, I was a Disney kid. And my dream was related to animation. I don’t want to start typing out my life at the moment, but if you knew my past, you’d understand that animation and me are glued together forever. I will never hate animation. I might not like everything, but I love the world of imagination that exists in animation. And I have my own dream of what I want to do as a singer. My own project. HIMEKA. Because HIMEKA isn’t just a name for me. And my image of what I want to become as an artist and the kind of music I’d like to do is all related to that name.

Unfortunately, I am in a very bad position right now….as a future singer. And the people involved don’t mind me starting with a few anime things, but wants to make me into something else, something I have no interest for, no passion for. And the other problem is… I can’t have a way out. It’s that or nothing. That person ran after me and pushed me to a corner and because of that, I can’t get a different opportunity. I am very upset. For so many reasons…..but I can’t write them here, I’m sorry it seems so unclear.

I am so scared that my dream ends here. I can’t let that happen. I want to make the best decisions I can to make sure my projects can take shape later on. But even now… I have doubts that I can survive long in the music world with what this person wants to try to make with me. Because I know too well that I’m not what they want me to be, so it won’t satisfy anyone. No one will like a half-assed artist who’s got no passion and looks completely fake (because I can’t act what I’m not….nor have passion in singing only songs that are definitely not my genre). There are more reasons why I know if things go the way this person wants, it will still fail…but I’ll stop at that.

The only decisions I can make are the ones of who I should trust, what I should keep hidden for my own good and my project things…stuff like that. Since once I accept to sign this…it can’t be undone. Things will definitely not be decided by me. Like… nothing at all.

I just want to say one thing to all of you. My dream is not to be some pop/jpop idol. It never was. Which was the main reason why I never showed my face on my videos when I used to post under himeka4. I want my voice to be appreciated as it is and make you feel something. That you don’t have to imagine the visual aspects of me as you listen to the voice. That you relate my voice to whatever fan interest you have in the anime/show I sing for. That my voice is just a voice that tells a story that you can feel. That’s what the real love of music is. I admit there are a lot of good looking artists out there, but for true music lovers, it’s the music itself that matters. If you care about the looks of an artist more than their music, it’s probably cause their songs aren’t good or they don’t sing well. Or they’re just idols. Which is the opposite of what I want to be.

But there is one thing I promise. It’s if I’m being forced by someone who is my superior into making dirty idol pictures or videos (being half naked, panty shots, looking sexy, etc), I will definitely quit and not do it. Even if I’m still under contract. And that they threaten to sue me for breaking the contract. I plan to have such conditions written on a contract though, but I don’t trust too easily…

There are some things that I will never be able to make concessions for.

I will not be that kind of figure, I’m sorry. I’m not an idol. I might not be someone with a great voice like Celine Dion, for example, but I still think I have enough of a voice not to have to become that sort of half-nude idol.

If I’m being forced into a picture album but it’s not dirty, hence, pictures of me pretending to be cute (yeah right) or petting a cute cat or whatever, I won’t be too happy, but I’d do it. If it’s clean, then that’s what matters the most.

I don’t want to dirty my face and name that way. I’m sorry if some of you might be offended if you are fans of some idols who did that kind of thing. I don’t mean to say that it’s right or wrong. I think it’s a choice. A choice of how much you’re willing to sacrifice to get to a certain goal. For me as a person and as an artist, it’s a no. It goes against my principles and I would probably think of ending my life after I did it, so I couldn’t.

I’m sorry if this post sounds completely out of the blue. I’ve actually had many frustrations for a while. This is one of the things I’ve been wanting to say.

Nobody has asked me to do such a thing at the moment though, but I’m bringing it up because it’s on my mind. Maybe when you don’t trust a person for what they’ve said and done since you met them, it’s easy to imagine that they could possibly try to make anything of that nature in order to try to get money out of you.

Because yeah, it’s all about money and status. Small artists are poor. Which I am. I’m actually thinking of moving into a tent in some months away if my situation gets too bad. Please don’t laugh, I’m very serious. I’ve started elaborating my life needs to see if things make sense. Haha.

Okay, don’t forget to post comments about your favorite artist name. Or suggestions if you’re bored.

-HIMEKA

FIRST : Thank you to everyone who was able to watch my silly karaoke video!! And thank you for all the kind comments. The listeners are the life of the singer, so I’m grateful I got you. <3

Nana Mizuki is doing a concert in January 2009.

I AM SO GOING!! I don’t care even if I wouldn’t have the money.

I’m so sad I had to miss the one last time.

I’m most likely going alone because I don’t know anyone around me in Japan who is a fan of hers, but it’s ok!!! I’ll probably be surrounded by a bunch of Nana fanboys…haha. But I’m sure there are girls who go too! It’ll be fun, no matter what.

I finally took the time to sign up for Nana’s fanclub. Yay! I’m such a dork. Well, I’m not signed yet, but as soon as the steps are completed, I will get my members’ card! Woohoo! (should I be embarassed? lol)

I  bought a small thingie (I don’t know how to call it) or my laptop. Not a chair, not a table…just a small……….thing…. like… to use when you’re too small to reach something. You can sit on it too. I don’t know how to call it, but it’s very convenient! I don’t have to hurt my back nor crook myself anymore! It will probably also help because the laptop often overheats. I put it on a surface with no holes. But on this thing, I think there is plenty of air and freshness that won’t make it crash as much anymore. Hopefully.

I bought a cd today. I know I shouldn’t spend money but I wanted it.

A Suara cd. I loved her voice from before (when I first heard of her in 2006), but I suddenly realized I wanted one of her cds to listen to. Her voice is so rich and warm……..I don’t know how to explain it. But I feel so relaxed and peaceful when I listen to her voice. It makes me happy…. I first went to HMV that is the closest to me……….but……..even after looking again and again….they had NO Suara cd!!!! So I stopped by Tower Records. I’m starting to think maybe I should get a card from Tower Records too….

(Okay….I’m embarassed to admit it because I’m poor and worried about money and want to move…….but I bought another cd too. T_T KOKIA’s new album ‘KOKIA meets Ireland’. It’s so beautiful…. I love KOKIA’s voice and style…I couldn’t resist!!! ;0; forgive me……….then again, I’m the one who needs to apologize to my own self since it’s my own money and I’m punishing my own self…lol)

On my way, I stopped to see Yuki at her job!! She was so cute in her uniform..haha. I should have taken a picture. I also stopped at other food kiosks…bought some yummy breads. <3 It was all delicious.

I wasn’t going to post because I’m tired and need to go to bed, but I thought I’d post a little something at least. I feel so bad that I’m again making this too quickly and don’t have the energy left to do a japanese translation. =_= I’m feel so mean….. But I think there aren’t a lot of japanese people looking here anyway… (most probably because I wasn’t doing a japanese version of my posts in the first place…)

I have work tomorrow and on friday too and stuff to do in the evening on both days.

I’ll try to enjoy life as I can! Even when there’s duty, it’s part of life!

(When I was a kid, I thought if you pretend something is a game, it will become fun. So I taught my brother how to pretend to play while cleaning up. Haha. We pretended we were at a store buying stuff. So we put the items back in place after we bought it. Something like that. The good old days… I wish I can do that with work too! Pretend it’s some fun game… God, give me back my imagination and magic powers!!!)

-HIMEKA

Hi everyone.
I’ve been busy, as usual.

I was going to post something long, but I decided I’m just going to ignore the bad things going on.

Things aren’t easy, but I have to do my best.
I knew that since way before I was even able to come to Japan.
My situation is unusual, so I knew even before this that I would get more critic than encouragements.

But for the sake of all the things I sacrificed and left behind,
I will move forward and do my best.

And also for the sake of my friends and listeners/supporters.

It feels like a repeat of middle school, but adult version.
Can I overcome it this time?
Can I prove that I’m strong despite being so weak?
———-

I got my hands on the other Animax contestants’ e-mails!
I still haven’t written to anyone except one person.
Thank you so much…

Today I am going to meet one of my previous roommates I haven’t seen in so long.
It will be refreshing.

I’m very emotionally tired these days.

But I’ll do my best.

-HIMEKA

I…

I want fries. T_T

フライドポテト。。。（泣）

ANNOUNCEMENT :

FROM NOW ON, I AM 20 YEARS OLD.

You are not allowed to oppose this decision.

２０歳が決定！文句禁止。決まりました。

***I lost my mixi due to unfortunate circumstances (negligence??). Is there anyone on this planet that has a mixi who could send me an invite? T0T

-HIMEKA

Hiyo!

Yesterday I had work until late afternoon, then went for some more singing practice and a few errands.
When I got back home, I still had a bunch of things to do, but I also learned last minute that I had to go *sleep* at a hotel tonight.
I knew from before that I needed to go meet up for something today, and at a hotel, for interviews and stuff, but I thought it was a meeting and nothing else. I didn’t know what time until last night…

So it looks like there is no interview today after all.
But the 10 finalists have to sleep at the same hotel tonight.
We have to check out around 7am because we meet up at 7:15am and head out to the contest hall.

So I had to rush at packing up a suitcase, since I need a bunch of things to prepare for tomorrow morning. But I’m done. The only thing left to pack is my laptop. I have no clue if there is internet connection there, but I’m bringing it anyway.

Today I also went for a 3 hours singing practice.
My throat is very tired.
I’m not sure if I should try to go again tonight, if there is a karaoke place near the hotel/station.
I should head over there soon, since everyone should be signed in before 7pm (it’s already 5pm now).

It’s starting to hit me now.
The fear.
And I realize how big this event is and it’s stressing me out.
I want to sing well….
That is what I wish over everything else.
I want to feel satisfied about my singing. Not regret and feel like I didn’t do well.
I feel like no matter how much I practice, my singing is far from being flawless, and I’m thinking maybe I didn’t make the best song choices now…but it’s too late to be able to turn back, so….

I’ll do everything I can.
I don’t want to have anyone holding grudges against me.
I’ve been picked to be part of the finalists, so I have to do my best.
There is no other choice.

No matter how much I try…

When I wake up in the morning and remember how pointless my life is and how alone I am here,

I feel like crap again…

Oops…I did it again!
I made some posts ‘disappear’.

But I really want to say a huge thank you to all the ones who wrote those encouraging comments.
I can still see them (but you can’t!), so don’t worry. I cherish them in my heart.

I’m sorry I’m not a very strong person and I keep falling over and over again.
Today I really thought I couldn’t fall any lower, but I decided to kick myself in the butt.
No matter how tough and impossible things are, no matter how alone I am, I have to find a way through all this, somehow.
Even if not a single person would encourage me. Even if everyone would point their fingers at me…
In the end, it should come from within, the courage, the willpower to keep going.

I’m not saying that all carefree and stupidly like a sudden realization. I already knew that.
But I try to remind myself once in a while, when I feel like I’m running out of fuel.

It’s a constant battle though. It doesn’t suddenly become all happy and easy and I’m back on my feet. I’m regularly falling down…sometimes several times a day.

But today I went out. Intensive karaoke practice, 4 hours. Ack. My throat hurt right after, but I’m fine now. I actually didn’t want to come back to the dorm, so I kept extending my stay. After that, I decided to treat myself to some yummy breads in one of those bakery shops at Takashimaya. <3

Then I went to the book store to look for some possible japanese grammar books and such…

I love going to Shinjuku, for some reason. More than Harajuku and Shibuya. Probably because I don’t have any painful memory related to that place. Memories of things that are no more…. =_=

I have work tomorrow. Then I will probably run a few needed errands and go for some singing practice again.

On saturday, I have to meet up with the Animax staff related to the finals. I imagine I will get to see the other finalists as well…. I don’t know what time yet. But I’ll have to find time to practice on that day too.

Sunday (the finals), I have to be there at 7am, so I probably need to get up very very early.

Lately, since I haven’t had lots of work, I watched a bit of anime.
Itazura na Kiss (Mizuki Nana <3)
Vampire Knight (I’m anxiously waiting for the next season now, for some reason)
Kino no Tabi (who said I had to watch new ones only?)

I only started on Kino no Tabi, but I like it very much.
It’s full of life lessons and makes you reflect on things.
I like these kinds of simple but meaningful stories.

Lately the dorm life has been stressing me out more.
I’m trying to ignore the feeling a bit…

You know, how ironic it is….
How people do things for you that you don’t really need, yet they think that’s what you’d want and need.
And you do the same for others. You do what you think they might want and need, but you’re completely mistaken.
So people get sad and upset. And they feel like they’re not understood. Or that this person doesn’t care.

Isn’t it sad though?
Sometimes I wish I understood better….what to do for the people that matter to me.
I know that I can’t expect others to do the things I want, but if at least I could do it for others….
It must be so great to see someone’s true smile as you do what they hope you’d do.

Most of the time, I think people won’t ever say in words what they want.
It’s usually not so easy to guess.
And they’ll try to be nice and kind to you if you do something for them, even though they wished for completely something else.

I wish I were wiser and more intuitive…
Then maybe I could be of use to others, for real….

I think most people treat others through their own understanding and experiences in life, so they only truly understand themselves or people most similar to them.

Anyway..enough babbles for tonight.
Thanks to whoever read this through the end.

May you all be well, goodnight.

-HIMEKA

Dear mom,

several years ago, you left us on this day.
But I can’t ever blame you. Because you thought of us until the very end, over yourself.
And yet, you never got your reward.
I don’t understand why life is so unfair.
Why you had to go and why I had to stay.

I know you deserved life more than I did. So that’s why I never understood why I had to live.
I think it must be so I can pay back for something.
I just hope that if you are living somewhere, in any possible form, that you are happy now and that you were able to forgive me.

Even now, when I’m by myself, I think of you. And all the things I wish I could tell you.
But that is only my own selfish wish.

In memories of you, I’ll never forget these songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LYjusrFXjs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oul-lKr4t5I