HIMEKA in JAPAN

Today was my mom’s death anniversary.
I didn’t wanna see anyone. In the end, maybe it’s better I didn’t.

I hate when I look at previous posts and they are so pathetic.
Even though they are my feelings.
I’ll probably have to hide those again soon.

I just want to thank you all for the kind, comforting comments…
Even though I don’t think I truly deserve any.
To think that many people post for the first time just in order to give me an encouragement….
I should be very grateful.
I’m so heartless for not giving personal replies.
Even though I don’t know any of you personally… you took the time to write these things…

I don’t know what to think at the moment.
Nor what to do.
But I know I’m a pathetic mess.
I’ve actually been working on reuploading mp3s here, but I apologize…that will still have to wait.
I’m sorry.

I know it sounds even more pathetic but…
This blog is the only thing that I have.
So I’m sorry if I’m using it in the wrong way.
I’m clinging to it.

Who knows what’s waiting beyond the door tomorrow.
But at this point, it looks bad.

Dear mom,

several years ago, you left us on this day.
But I can’t ever blame you. Because you thought of us until the very end, over yourself.
And yet, you never got your reward.
I don’t understand why life is so unfair.
Why you had to go and why I had to stay.

I know you deserved life more than I did. So that’s why I never understood why I had to live.
I think it must be so I can pay back for something.
I just hope that if you are living somewhere, in any possible form, that you are happy now and that you were able to forgive me.

Even now, when I’m by myself, I think of you. And all the things I wish I could tell you.
But that is only my own selfish wish.

In memories of you, I’ll never forget these songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LYjusrFXjs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oul-lKr4t5I

I’ve been trying hard to put on some sort of fake smile onto my face lately but…

The truth is, I’m feeling so emotionally tired. I just want to go far far away.

Everything feels so pointless. Everything feels so heavy.

I’m sorry I can’t take any of your encouraging posts at the moment.

Everything feels too much for me.

I think it’s useless for me to post about all that’s going on or the reasons why I’m feeling this way, but I’m just sorry I can’t be genuinely cheerful. I already have to pretend so much elsewhere, but if only I can let it out, it should be here…right?

I’m so tired….

I feel so pointless. And small, right now.

I know how tiny and useless I am in life.

And to be honest, I really don’t want pity nor sympathy from anyone at the moment.

I honestly don’t deserve anything.

More than anyone else could see, I am aware of how useless I truly am.

Not just because of tonight. I constantly see the things I do. Or…all the things that I don’t and can’t do.

I know more than anyone……….how worthless I am.

And even when I try to do something, it ends up being so small that it doesn’t matter if I do it or not. Cause someone else will do it a lot better and in a truly helpful manner. And that goes in pretty much all the areas of my life. About me as a person, that is.

Why can’t I ever do truly good things……for the sake of others. Or even just for natural things, like work.

I feel so pathetic and shitty, I wish I could just die.

But then everyone thinks people who die willingly are horrible people, so that makes me even worse than everything else about me, right?

I just can’t stand myself…….why was I born at all if I’m just this piece of shit….

There really isn’t anything good about me, as a human being. So please don’t point out the singing part, if you end up commenting. This post is not about me and singing. It’s about everything else.

I doubt a lot of people could relate to this. I doubt there’s a lot of people who are as useless and troublesome as me.

I would whine infinitely right now. To an extent that isn’t funny.

But instead of that, I’ll post something interesting.

Do you want to know what inspired me to sing in the first place? The very first role  model that made me who I am?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00gsQ6zQIpE

When I was somewhere around 5-7 years old, this was my idea of a ’singing princess’. That is how I first learned to sing. And Aurora is what my image of what I wanted to be like was. An elegant lady. *_*

Since all the Disney princesses can sing, I thought I have to sing if I wanted to be like a princess. Yup. Because I wanted to be like a princess, I learned to sing. Haha. But my singing isn’t a ‘princessy’ as it used to be. It makes me a bit sad. I sound like a pop singer now. Not like a princess. I hope you can still feel the princess soul in me though. I try to keep a touch of elegance in my singing, still. T_T

So nostalgic.

-HIMEKA

I had decided to put myself on a diet for the next two weeks but….wow.
Why is my will so weak? Why is food such a weakness for me?
It’s not really about losing weight this time though………
Even though I wouldn’t be unhappy if I lost a little fat in the thighs….
But it’s about my face full of pimples.
I swear it’s not pretty right now (once again….)
And on top of that, it hurts.
I thought I’d try to put myself to a strict veggie-only diet or something….but….
Wow. I gave in so quickly.
But failure is when you give up. So even if you fall, as long as you get back up, it’s not the end!!! (or something)

Wow. You must all be thinking what kind of stupid person I am.
Lately I’ve been so girly-girly. Ew.

On top of that….there’s something girly-girly I’m doing right now.
I’m watching…………….girly anime. w00t.
I didn’t watch anime in forever.

The whole reason behind this is because I was really bored even though I should be thinking of important things….
And someone told me Mizuki Nana was the voice of the main girl in this…!!!!
Itazura na Kiss.
So I just started watching. Hopefully it’ll be entertaining for now.

I know I should be serious and focus on my life but….
At this moment the stress of decisions is building up and watching something cute and funny isn’t doing me any bad.

I really am not very mature. Haha.

Night!

-HIMEKA

Last night when I walked to the 99 yen shop….
I could hear a concert from a distance.
I thought it must have been at the Yoyogi place……….the whatever it’s called center. I dunno, but it’s just next to Yoyogi Park.
But I was like wow………I could hear the fans screaming even though it’s not right NEXT to the place I was at.
I kept wondering who it could be…….. so I tried to open my ears and hear the music even though it was hard.
When I walked back, wow, the fans were louder than ever, singing along. x_x
I wondered what kind of big artist it was.

Then I heard the last melody line of a chorus. Haha. It sounded like ARASHI. XD
I’m not 100% sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Oh boy. The fangirls were so loud.

And so I chuckled to myself as I walked back home.
Aaah. Sakurai-san. He’s so cute. *sighs* Wait a minute, I’m NOT a fangirl!
Hehehee. They seem to be on TV shows a lot now. They’re like the big thing.
A few years ago, TOKIO was the big thing on TV….but I guess people grow tired at some point.

Anyway, completely unrelated but…
I couldn’t sleep well last night.
I feel so shitty, emotionally.
I feel completely alone.
And I hate when my feelings are just making my life so much more complicated.
If I felt focused on something before and suddenly get an emotional down….I completely stop caring about what I’m doing.
Nothing makes sense and I just wanna go to a place where I could be alone and live as a hermit or something.
I’m feeling so alone though.
It’s really weighing me down.
I feel like there’s no one or nothing to turn to that could help me figure things out.
It sucks I’m so clueless at times. I wish I could get wisdom.
Anyone knows where I can buy some for cheap? (lol)

I have work tonight.
I really hate late shifts….
I have work tomorrow too, but it’s a day shift and I finish before the cleanup, so yay!
I’ve got a lot more free time in the upcoming 2 next week, which is convenient because I need time to get ready for the Animax contest finals. I still didn’t go shopping to find something to wear…
I have no clue where to shop in Japan…… and I don’t seem to have friends available to shop with. =_= *cries*

Alright, I guess I should go eat and maybe get ready for a bit of singing practice.
I feel like I’ve been so busy, I’m slacking off the practice….
I got so lazy after my days off just started. I guess I was too tired.

Love,

-HIMEKA

Yes. I’m still alive. This is a proof.

Sorry if I made your computer explode or your eyes bleed. Haha.

Don’t you think I look a bit like my mascot monkey??! XD Haha. Hilarious. <3

Okay, I’ve been busy and I’m heading out again right now. But I’ll post more soon.

I’ll do my best!!!

Love to all.

*chu*

-HIMEKA

SLEEP.

Thank you.