What’s worse than waking up at 3-4am and not being able to sleep anymore and feel like shit?
Being in bed until 3-4am and not being able to fall asleep and feel even more like shit.
Like wow……I wish I had some sleep medicine or something. I feel like it’s just gonna get worse….
I just feel so alone.
And tired.
It sucks waking up at 3-4am and not being able to sleep anymore and just feel like crying…
I wonder if it’s so abnormal to feel alone and wish I had someone by my side in times like these.
Like……..hold someone’s hand as you fall asleep….and know that they care and that you’re not by yourself.
I’m sorry if that is not allowed or weak to some of you. But please let me say this selfish thing tonight.
My boss made me finish earlier tonight because it wasn’t busy anymore.
I have to say I was happy about it. Cause before that, today was REALLY busy.
And I’m very tired these days.
So I treated myself to some ice cream.
And then I almost unexpectedly (previously unplannedly) encountered a giant peanut (with arms and legs) featured in this post’s picture. Haha. Okay, it wasn’t my idea to call her a peanut, but whatever!
This upcoming week, I have more days off work.
Most of the people I knew in Japan have gone back to their own country, but I still have to say goodbye to a few. So I’m gonna hang out a bit this week before they leave.
Other than that, I have other plans and duties for the week.
Right now, I feel like I went down again.
Sadly enough.
I feel crappy about myself.
I can’t master the songs I’m supposed to learn lately.
I don’t feel okay and comfortable with them.
It makes me frustrated.
I wish I could sing what I do best. To me, that would be logical enough.
I feel incompetent.
I thought I could sing anything….but the truth is, that’s a lie.
There’s plenty of genres that I don’t sing THAT well.
And then……I really feel self-conscious about my physical appearance.
God…..I really am ugly. And I do have fat thighs and look old.
Sorry…
Tomorrow I have to plaster another fake smile on my face, for the sake of my future.
Wish me good luck.
-HIMEKA
I got my pay for last month a little earlier, so I was able to go to practice at karaoke on friday night!
It has not been easy to keep money aside to go practice, but I think it will get easier now that I’m working a lot.
I have partly been practicing for the upcoming Animax anime song contest in 2 weeks.
I know that my weak point is my weak stage presence….and my incredible nervousness.
I still hope I’ll enjoy this experience as much as possible!
Who knows, maybe I will meet new people through this!
I had my first (one-time) vocal job ever on last thursday, along with Nano at her producer’s place.
I was so nervous, even though it was only for backvocals.
But singing is always a fun thing to do so….I’m always doing my best to remember to enjoy what I do. Music shouldn’t be only a duty. Music is about feeling and I’ll never change my mind on that!
I have a long shift tomorrow (now today…oops, it’s already passed midnight!). 10am until midnight. So I will now go to bed!
Goodnight!
No matter what, I won’t give up!
Thank you for reading.
And all the kind comments.
They mean a lot to me, especially these days.
-HIMEKA
I was supposed to do many important things today but….
I became weak after all.
I cried all day long.
I had to go buy a new tissue box.
I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to eat but…
In the end, I did.
Lately I’ve been in a very tight financial situation where I was managing so few that I ate much less than I needed. But the day before, a job came in suddenly and we were paid on the spot so…. it helped me a lot. My pay from my current job is on the 10th of every month so… I will be okay by then. I am very grateful that I’m okay. Not eating when you’re not hungry is one thing but…. not eating because you don’t have money and ARE hungry is something else.
Thank you for everything….
God, life, people….
For finding a way to let me be okay financially.
Even if I’m very tight with my budget, what matters is that I have enough to survive with.
I’m very grateful for that.
Thank you so much.
Right now, my emotional side couldn’t be worse, I think.
And yet, I can’t let myself fall down.
I have to at least face work.
I think the rest is even more painful though…
The days when I don’t work.
I’m really alone since some weeks ago.
I can honestly say that now, I have nobody close to me anymore.
I feel like a trash.
Like I’m not worth anyone’s time….. and love.
I don’t know how to occupy my time and thoughts from now on…
I feel so empty and dried of true personality.
I know I came here for a goal, the goal of singing but….
Right now, I can’t see anything.
And my emotional side is just killing me.
I wish I didn’t need anyone.
Then I wouldn’t be feeling those awful things right now.
I’m so tired….
I’m sorry for the few readers.
That my posts end up like this.
I know I’m not inspiring at all, being like this.
I guess it doesn’t help being secluded.
I wish I had at least the means to sing and record stuff so I could share them like I used to.
I’m so sorry I don’t…
Thank you for all the birthday wishes.
I was surprised that so many people took the time to leave a message.
About 3 weeks ago, I started working pretty much full time.
I’m very tired, but the timing is perfect because I was running out of money and I didn’t know what I’d do if I didn’t find a job that would give me enough hours.
I keep telling myself I’ll make an update but…
I keep thinking I should wait until I feel better.
And yet who knows when that will be.
I’m sorry this is not a music update.
To be honest, I wouldn’t be able to make any music-related updates unless something official happened….
I’ve been having nightmares lately.
And I don’t have a lot of money for food until my first pay comes in…. so I’m eating much less.
Even though I’m not in a great time, I’m sure it’s not helping my mental state.
It’s temporary though. Just one week left and I should be okay again.
I just feel so empty.
It’s like I can’t see anything ahead of me…
Or that it doesn’t matter anymore.
I know most of you probably wonder why I get depressed since I usually just whine and don’t explain.
I’m sorry.
I feel so alone.
Alone with myself and alone with my dream.
I wish I had a hand to hold. Literally.
Or a shoulder to cry on right now.
I’m so so emotionally and physically exhausted.
I’m sorry.
Today is my birthday.
July 20th.
And no matter what kind of bad times I’m going through, I hope today I can be happy and feel that dreams can come true. I don’t know to which extent it is possible for me to put my negative emotions and worries in a box for one day, but this is for my own sake and nothing else.
Yesterday was a tough day. I worked from 10am till midnight. And I couldn’t eat because I felt nauseated about everything. I ended up eating at 11:30pm, when my mind went completely blank as I was doing my best to work with a smile. At that moment, the only thing that filled my mind was food so. I was relieved even just for a little while. Thank you.
I will pray.
Please leave a happy comment. Whoever you are. It would make me happier than have views and no one saying anything…. -_-
Hello!!!
I just woke up and I’m so tired!!
Mizuki Nana is having a concert this weekend so close to where I live………..
And I can’t go because I’m having financial issues. T_T
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I think she has an amazing voice. And I love her stage presence.
I really hope I can go see her someday. And meet her. XD
I had started a new job but things didn’t work out so well….
So I’m job hunting again!
To be honest, I’m so worried about money.
I know that things don’t make sense right now and I won’t have enough, but I want to believe in miracles just this once in my life.
Somehow, I want to believe things will work out.
I’m sorry that I can’t talk about my friday meeting.
If it comes to something, I will definitely announce it though!!!
But….I had a good news yesterday.
I auditionned for a contest a few months ago.
And I got selected!!!!
It’s the Animax Grandprix.
So it’s an anime song contest.
It’s countrywide and there are 5 different cities where you can go to participate.
Then the finalists of each city will perform again later against one another to decide the winner.
At this point, I’m not thinking very far, I just really really want to go sing on stage again.
I think it will be good practice because I haven’t done it in 2 years.
It will bring back my motivation to want to be a singer, for sure!
I always get motivated the most when I know I have to prepare singing for an event.
And it will be entertaining to see all the people in costumes…hehe. I think it will be fun!
Oh yeah!
My birthday is coming up soon. On the 20th!
I don’t have money so I won’t be able to do much, but I’m crossing my fingers about going to see fireworks on the 26th, hopefully. I love fireworks!!!! And it seems like the ones in Japan are amazing!!! I wish I could get myself a yukata. *sniff*
So that’s my little (long) update for now!
Stay tuned!!! <3
-HIMEKA